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Monday, April 30, 2018


Isn't it funny, no, f*cked up, that I can tell people how loyal I am and nobody will believe it? Isn't it crazy that I can say I don't jump from dick to dick and it sounds like I did exactly that? Isn't it sad how our mind works?

Loyalty these days feels like an LV bag. The more prominent the logo, the more likely it is a fake. Nobody can afford loyalty anyway. Nobody is good enough to earn it, nobody is honorable (or stupid) enough to give it.

The result is we are looking at loyalty like the pearl brooch you found in Goodwill. It's probably worthless. Or like an item on clearance rack. It's probably junk. Loyalty is too good to be true.

A part of it is because how we perceive ourselves. I know I don't think I deserve loyalty. So I never expect it. I am too... difficult. I know people eventually will drift to an easier person to hang with.

Another part of it is the experience we've been through. I will always think that people will cheat, no matter what. A lifetime experience of seeing it happened around me, and with me, made me think loyalty is a myth.

These are my experiences, but look into yourself. When was the last time that special someone failed to answer your text/call/ whatever in timely manner and you immediately think he/she is being unloyal?

In the era where everything is nothing but fleeting moments, where nothing seems real nor tangible, where relationship is as seasonal as Target display, loyalty seems like a joke or as outdated as payphone.

I found myself questioning that concept many, many times. Why do I bother being loyal? To the place I am working. To my friends and family. To the guy I am not even in a relationship with. I don't trust them to be loyal to me anyway.

The answer hits me everytime, like a bitter pill to swallow. I am not loyal because they demand my loyalty, I did it because I choose to. And in any given time I am free to take it back and give it to someone else.

Just like love, loyalty is purely free will. Both cannot be bought. Both cannot be demanded. Both cannot be forced. Both has to be given freely. And yes, the recipient may choose to not reciprocate it.

In life I find this is difficult to accept, this is so unfair. But then, does it mean that my love and loyalty is insincere? That it was offered only for the hope of being loved or getting loyalty back? Is the feeling not pure?

In the end, what we present might not matter to the other person. What we perceive as precious gift might be seen as fake or bizarre, or filled with hidden motive. Loyalty, as we've discussed, is foreign these days.

Why am I still stubbornly loyal? Because that's who I am. Because that's how I choose to be. Because at the end of the journey I want to be able to look back and said to myself, with head held high: "Yea, we did our best".

It aint easy being loyal. It aint easy to steadfastedly stood for your choices, for your belief, weathering it through storms of trials and temptation. Yet cutting it loose is even harder. This is something I still need to learn.

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