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Tuesday, April 12, 2016

It's (Not) Over

Girl, you know it's over
It's over when the fat lady sing
So belt out that tune for me
and sing the sorrowful goodbye
It's over
It's over
It's over

Fragments of dreams and wishes
Are but drops of water on your palm
The harder you tried to keep it
The faster if flows down
To the ground
To the dirt
To the end

Unspoken words are like thorns
You need to get it out
But it will not heal the pain
And blood will still flow freely
From your body
From your soul
From your life

It's over girl, it's all over
It's the end of the end
The end of the edge of a cliff
The final stretch of the rope
It's finished
It's no more
It's all gone

Dreams are wonderful but morning is here
In the cruel light of day you awoken
Dazed and confused, Sad and weary
And you know you have to realized it:
It's over
It's over
It's over

So hug me one more time and cry if you must
Shed the tears, shed the fears
Cleanse your soul and strengthen it
But you will never be alone
I am here
You are here
We are here

It's over, but our journey has just started
We have a long and promising journey to go
So be with me, walk with me, talk to me
It's not over yet, not for me and you
Hug me
Hold me
Love me

It's not over yet...

Monday, April 11, 2016

The Promise Ring

#thepromisering

Ini ceritanya cincin berlian total berat 0.1 karat, konon conflict free. Selama ini saya pikir kalau berlian harus yang gede kinclong, tapi ternyata banyak macamnya lho. Berlian ada juga yang model begini, cimut-cimut dan ga terlalu terang. Harganya jelas jauh lebih terjangkau daripada berlian tunggal, walau dengan total karat yang sama. Tapi tetap berlian juga judulnya, biarpun lebih mahal tiket masuk Disneyland daripada cincin ini.

Kalau disini, cincin seperti ini sebutannya promise ring. Berkat kampanye diam-diam pedagang berlian dan perhiasan DeBeer dari tahun 1939-1948, engagement ring atau cincin tunangan menjadi suatu kewajiban, dan kudu diamond atawa berlian. Kalau argumen jaman sekarang, cincin mahal membuktikan kesiapan si calon suami dan betapa berharganya si calon istri di mata calon suami. Wajar kalau akhirnya banyak yang memilih memberi promise ring terlebih dahulu, yang terjangkau tapi nggak malu-maluin juga. Biar gimana, nggak semua orang bisa beli cincin seharga minimal $300-$500, atau bahkan ribuan dolar untuk pasangannya.

Tanpa saya sadari, ini sebenarnya promise ring saya yang ketiga. Padahal saya nggak tahu soal tradisi promise ring lho. Promise ring pertama saya dari pacar pertama saya. Saya yang minta, karena saya ingin hubungan kita mengikat. Pacar saya manut, keluarga saya ngamuk. Maklum, beda kasta. Tapi cincin emas mungil bermotif rantai itu tetap saya pakai bahkan setelah kami putus, sampai pola rantainya membekas di jari saya yang terbakar matahari. Cincin itu baru saya lepas setelah saya menemukan calon suami saya, yang memberikan promise ring kedua. 

Promise ring yang kedua ini simbolik banget: batu kelahiran saya dikelilingi batu kelahiran dia sebagai tanda bahwa saya pusat impian dan harapan dia. Makanya sampai menikah pun saya tetap pakai promise ring ini, karena janjinya bukan cuma sekedar menikah; sekarang walau saya punya promise ring yang baru, yang dari si Akang tetap melingkar manis di jari saya. Promise ring saya yang ketiga dan paling gres ini nemu di Amazon. Awalnya ngeliat daily deal engagement ring di app Amazon saya, lalu entah kenapa ngebet banget pengen beliin diri saya sesuatu yang berharga. Setelah browsing kanan kiri akhirnya ketemu cincin ini: bahan oke, kualitas lumayan, harga terjangkau. Apa yang dijanjikan kali ini? Kali ini saya menjanjikan diri saya bahwa semua akan baik-baik saja.

Walau hubungan saya dan mantan pacar serta hubungan saya dan suami baik-baik, promise yang dijanjikan lewat promise ring itu nggak serta merta terpenuhi. Sama pacar putus. Sama Akang juga kadang gonjang-ganjing banget. Bukan berarti waktu mereka ngasi promise ring itu niatnya setengah-setengah ya, tapi karena it takes two to tango. Nggak ada orang yang 100% mirip pemikirannya antara satu sama lain, apalagi dengan latar belakang keluarga dan pemikiran yang berbeda, clash/bentrokan mulai yang kecil sampai yang besar pasti terjadi. Belum lagi ekspektasi-ekspektasi yang tak terpenuhi dari kedua belah pihak, yang membuat saya terpekur dan bertanya: kok seperti ini sih jadinya. Padahal tahu kalau nggak ada yang namanya happily ever after, tapi tetap saja saat kebahagiaan terusik emosi biasanya langsung menggila. I deserve happiness and I will get it. Yang kalau dipikir-pikir jadi sebenarnya keliru banget berharap dari promise ring pertama dan kedua itu.

Kita tahu bahwa yang bisa diandalkan ya diri kita sendiri, that we can make a change. Kita juga sudah kenyang mendengar/membaca petuah motivasional soal mencintai diri sendiri/loving ourself. Tapi mungkin nggak banyak yang ngomongin soal trust ourselves. Percaya pada diri kita sendiri. Beda dengan pede yang lebih ke self-confidence, percaya pada diri kita sendiri itu lebih susah. We are our own worst enemy. Anda mungkin berani melakukan trust fall sama orang sekantor, tapi belum tentu anda berani melakukan trust fall sama kloningan anda. We are imperfect and we know that, and we hate that imperfection. Yang paling kenceng teriak "Ah, lu pasti ga bisa" itu biasanya diri kita sendiri kan?

Kadang yang begini korban lingkungan. Entah lingkungan yang terlalu tinggi standarnya atau yang dipenuhi orang-orang ga pede yang berusaha meninggikan derajatnya dengan menjatuhkan orang lain. Kadang yang begini memang terlahir seperti ini, karena nggak semua orang terlahir penuh percaya diri. Kadang memang terlahir beda aja: beda perspektif, beda pemikiran, yang membuat nggak bisa masuk/cocok di lingkungannya, ibarat segitiga di antara segiempat. Ini juga bikin down, karena merasa tidak diterima.

Padahal walau kita makhluk sosial, kita bisa berdikari. Kita memang harusnya berdikari, berdiri di atas kaki sendiri. Mau orang bilang atau berpikir apapun tentang kita, fungsi dasar hidup seperti mendapatkan pangan sandang dan papan akan tetap berjalan. Depresi berkepanjangan, suicidal dan homicidal adalah efek yang jelas tidak diinginkan; tapi bahkan saat itu terjadi kita masih bernafas, dan mungkin masih makan dan minum. It takes a lot for a person to just give on living like that, yang mendadak nggak mau makan nggak mau minum sampai meninggal. Insting pertahanan hidup kita kuat lho.

Tapi tahu itu satu hal, ngerasain itu hal lain. Kalau anda yang membaca ini merasa anda tidak percaya pada diri anda sendiri, saya mau bicara apapun ya percuma. Been there, done that. We messed it up once, we're bound to messed it up again. Kudu tahu diri akan segala kelemahan dan kekurangan kita, tapi terkadang terlalu tahu diri. Well, hidup nggak usah separno gitu. Seperti lagunya Shakira: "Don't beat yourself up, don't need to run so fast/sometimes we come last, but we did our best". Gimanapun juga, pada akhirnya kita harus hidup dengan diri kita sendiri kan?

Cincin ini promise ring saya untuk diri saya sendiri. Saya berjanji semua akan baik-baik saja. Sudah tak terhitung berapa kali saya bilang ini ke diri saya jaman dahulu kala, walau itu sebenarnya hanya kebohongan karena saya tahu semua tidak akan baik-baik saja. Saya pasrah mau dikasi apapun sama Tuhan, dan selalu menghibur diri dengan berpikir "Tuhan menguji ada alasannya, Tuhan nggak akan ngasi ujian yang aku nggak bisa lulus". Kedengarannya sih beriman, tapi kalau boleh jujur, itu saya yang tidak memiliki kepercayaan terhadap diri saya. Saya yang berpikir kalau saya tidak mampu lalu bersembunyi dibalik kata 'Pasrah'. Saya yang bukannya aktif memperbaiki keadaan malah menunggu sampai badai reda. Di tengah badai. Tanpa pelindung.

Sekarang, tiap kali saya galau saya melihat cincin ini dan tersenyum. I know I am gonna be just fine. Sudah sekian banyak yang saya alami sampai saya akhirnya bisa menerima diri saya apa adanya, bisa berdamai dengan diri saya; yang mana keduanya (penerimaan dan rasa damai) adalah dasar untuk trust/kepercayaan. Saya tahu saya akan baik-baik saja, karena saya percaya diri saya, siapa saya, akan bisa membuat semuanya baik-baik saja. Nggak lagi perlu berharap dari (janji-janji) orang lain, nggak lagi perlu ngumpet di balik 'kepasrahan'. I promise myself I will be fine, and I intend to keep that promise. I know I can keep that promise.

Have a good day/night, dear friends :) .

Thursday, April 7, 2016

Dear Internet

Dear NSA,
The dildos I bought, they're totally not mine. I can attest to that. You see, I have this other personality who seemed to cherish all things kinky; and I will have these blackout incidents and found them in the mailbox in horror. I swear that's what happen.

Oh and the champagne purchases that comes with the dildos are totally unrelated. I know it sounds veeery suspicious, like I am planning to have a raunchy rowdy delicious weekend with myself, but the champagne is for a good purpose. My goldfish is an alcoholic and he prefers champagne than water. Can you believe that?

Those sexually explicit e-mails and text messages are also not mine. Somebody might have hacked my phone or something. Yes, I know it has my name on it, but there are other people who also called themselves "ARY-AmazingReadynYearning", right??

I blame my friends. Yes, they are in Indonesia, but they are smart out there. I, dear sir, may live among challenging personalities, but I can assure you my morality is top notch and I am as prude as a 19th-century Victorian lady. Wait, you only spy a little about me?

Dear Google and other search engines,
I have no idea why you think I would want to buy nipple clamps and glycerin-free aqua-based-ultimate-silky-smooth-feeling lubricants. And how could you even mentioned about whips and chains and paddles that will mark butt with the word "SLUT". How dare you!

I was opening my browser with my date, trying to find food delivery for our movie night when your 'thoughtful' suggestion pop out, leaving my date and myself reddened with embarrassment. I am an honest-to-goodness person yet you made me look like I am ready for a good night of S&M that would make Christian Grey look like a helpless, hapless teenager on his first date.

This is slander, I tell you, slander! And no, I will not be persuaded with your 20% discount of adult toys and games. Wait, do you have anything for free shipping? I meant, no, you must stop this slandering at once!! Oh? You are not the only one that tracks my history?

Dear online stores and shopping websites,
I guess there is nothing else left to say. You and I, we both know what happens. You know the truth, and I know you know. I am at your mercy. Although you have kept my credit card info safe, at least so far, but you have not been so discreet about other things.

I can't keep on doing this. You can't keep on divulging my information, my deepest, darkest secret. Please… I beg you. You are ruining my life and I thought we are friends. I support you, and you support me. Haven't we done marvelous things together? We completed each other yet you betrayed me.

Please stop this nonsense. Nobody except you and me needs to know about "2 Dozen Gluttony-style Cupcake Totally NOT Fat Free" or the "Diet Destroyer Pizza With All The Bad Nasty Goodness To Eradicate The Salad Taste" that I purchased from you. They were supposed to be a one-time purchase. One time only.

Yes, I have bought them repeatedly, sometimes twice in a week, but that's because you kept on showing that to me! I was visiting you to buy some sawdust-tasting snack bar for weight loss, yet you tempt me. Oh how you tempt me.

And I thought we're friends. Not only you divulge my secrets across the internet, you also bring me down. From now on I am through with you. You double-crosser-back-stabber you. I shan't be back. Never. Just don't forget to e-mail me once in a while, especially if those two items are on sale.

With Love,
The Internet Addict

Tuesday, April 5, 2016

The Fat Cow

#thefatcow

I am fat. I know that. Which is crazy because I don't exactly fit into plus-size clothes. I am a size medium or a large, depends on what brand I wear. H&M, for instance, is definitely tailored for Fairy folks. I usually wear (long) sleeved shirt or loose-fitting clothes to hide my flabbiness. Which is not even that bad. But what other people may not realize about me is that I love myself, flabbiness and all.

I have no qualms on slipping into a little black dress
I have no qualms on strutting my junk in a bikini
I have no qualms on sleeping naked or walk around naked in the house
I have no qualms on looking myself in the mirror.
As a matter, I usually high-five myself in the mirror. I think she looks awesome.

Yet people kept on telling me that I would look even better if I lose some weight. People comment on how chubby I've become. As if my entire existence depends on how much I weigh and the size of clothes I wear. Here's the thing: it doesn't.

At some point of my life I manage to lose a lot of weight, weighing only 100 lbs/45 kg for my 5'4/163 cm self. I remember feeling great since I can finally fit into those ultra cute shirt without looking like a melon in a dress. But inside, nothing change. My prospect of dating was still slim too. I might look better, to others at least, but I still who I was, who I am. The change in body size does not change my personality.

Of course, if it doesn't change my personality I better off trying to keep my thinness, right? Wrong. Being thin for a natural chunky like me is a pain, and the fact that I love food more than anything else in the world makes thinning effort seemed unnecessary. It was worsen because for the love of God I can't, won't discard food. That means I will try to finish whatever food I get, even if it meant two or three times of leftover meals. There are people out there who can't eat, who am I to playfully discard food? And even though I am not vegan, I made the conscious decision to finish my food as a form of respect. Even lettuce and onion is alive at some point.

But yeah, I also get it. Fatness is a sign of unhealthiness. At least in our current society. Unlike the old era where fattiness is cherished as a symbol of wealth, in the dynamic society we lived in, where speed and strength is worshipped, flabbiness is considered as the proof of greed, gluttony, and laziness. The society hated them, loathed them, disgusted by them. And yes, they are mocked and taunted mercilessly.

Like hell if you think we're cool with that.

The problem with opinion is everyone entitled for one, but not many knows where to put or present it properly. Up your own ass, I would say, is almost always a good place to start. Like, who are you to judge somebody based on tbeir body size? There is a big different between acknowledging someone's body size ("Whoa, he's big") and mocking them ("Did you see that beached whale lol??"). You, dear sir or madam, have no right to make anyone else feel inferior just because you have an opinion.

This woman, which is totally hot, still got mocked because of her body size. A friend of mine was mocked also because of his body size. And to those fat haters out there, let me tell you one thing: go copulate yourself. If you are worried about our state of health, let us know nicely. If you just think our ugly existence bothers you like a pile of trash on the side of the road, go clean your filthy heart and blinded mind. We got fat and we love ourselves still.

http://www.seventeen.com/fashion/celeb-fashion/news/a39415/model-slams-critics-who-call-her-fat-in-powerful-photo/

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