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Friday, January 18, 2019


Yesterday at the gym I feel like I was a blobfish in a tank full of beautiful, tropical fish. Everyone seemed to be hella attractive, and they can do all these fancy stretching moves while I struggle with a simple plank. I looked down at my jelly roll and feel I would need millenias to be where they are right now.

Even as I started my app for stretching, a part of me grudgingly suggested to just go and get some pizza or gelato. Not a very hard thing to do since my gym is located in a mall. I tried to focus on my exercises instead. I forced myself to feel the strain on my body, as opposed to what I couldn't become.

By the end of the night, I was still feeling like a blobfish. A blobfish that was drenched in endorphins after a good workout, and so ready for a good night sleep. I may be a blobfish but I feel good about myself, and that's what counts.

I want to tell you that if you work hard you can transform into the prettiest butterfly, but that's not how it works. Can I be transformed into one of those tropical fish? Yes, I believe so. I just don't have the time and patience for it. I choose not to. Some people just can't, for various reason.

Focus on what we want to become is good. We all need that motivation in our lives. Yet many times that motivation becomes a chain that held us back: "I'll never be that good enough, anyway. What's the use?" The answer to that is: "Because the effort makes you feel good about yourself".

There are pride and joy in overcoming obstacles, in knowing we push ourselves just a little bit over the edge and yet we survived. There's gaining confidence in realizing we manage to better ourselves, be it the one extra pushup or the one extra client. 

Don't waste your time feeling sorry that you are not the sparkling Angel Fish. If you are a blobfish, so be it. Focus on what makes you feel good, what makes you better. And yes, it sucks to be a blobfish. That doesn't mean you can't feel good about yourself.

I am still envious with the attractive people, and I know one of these days it will hit me again. I will be ready, though. Side lunge left. Side lunge right. Forward bend. Jumping jacks. Repeat. Focus. Focus. Focus.

Wednesday, January 16, 2019

The Forgotten Life

I was googling some info on Singapore for work thingy when the thought hit me: "F*ck. Why didn't I go to Singapore instead of going home to Bali this March?"

I had my honeymoon in the Marina Bay Sands hotel. Everything is so fancy, so luxurious. We got upgraded into the suite with two (yes two!) separate toilet, his and hers. The nighttime view was breathtaking, and the late-night stroll was impeccable.

Outside the hotel, the tram system was amazing. Everything feels so clean, so organized, so safe. At least until we move to an AirBnB in the lesser part of the town, then holy sh*t. But even then, it was still an amazing, adventurous experience.

Gardens by The Bay was incredible. And if I am left to my own devices I will surely eat my way around the city, or just pondering around. The only thing that's stopping me is my cash flow (Singapore is expensive!) and the fact that I thought I hate Singapore. Until now.

I tried to bury my honeymoon deep in my mind. Lock it away and throw away the key, so to speak. What I remember was fighting with him. Crying by myself in the room. Walking in eggshell, so scared I would accidentally incite his anger. Not knowing that this is a life I don't want and instead questioning maybe I do deserve this. Can't say anything since it's his money that paid for the trip.

But I did have fun, as what I write above. I just don't realize it then. I feel lucky now that I am able to absorb such information, emotion, and wonder even when my heart froze and my brain cowers from fear.  I guess there's no escape for a sensualist like me. I love life too much.

The truth is, they can't take that away from you. They can try to distract you from experiencing the best life that you have by intimidating you, by forcing you to feel a different way. They can make you burst in tears, but in reality, the roses will still look as beautiful and smell as sweet.

I have been dragged down, and at times I still found myself in the hellhole he helped create. There you feel like there's no escape, no light shines through, no hope. You are worthless. You are awful. Everything is meaningless and that's where you should be.

It's not, though. The beauty of the world is still there. Just because we are drowned and locked in that hellhole, it doesn't mean the world cease to exist. They can't take the beauty of the world away from us, from anyone. They have no power over it, and therefore, no power over us.

Cry if you need to cry. Indulge in the darkness that surrounds you. Be bitter, be angry with how you are treated. Take as much time as you need to grief. Yet never close your eyes to the beauty around you. Life is beautiful. The world is amazing. It will never cease to be anything than magnificent.

You too, are magnificent. It will take time to heal, to escape from that hellhole of degradation and abuse. But during that time, flowers will bloom as beautiful as ever, die their graceful death, and then rise and bloom again. So will you. Chin up, you beautiful soul, you. They can't take that away from you. Never can.

Wednesday, January 9, 2019

Blunt Honesty

"It's great!" "It's wonderful!" "[insert enthusiastic comment here]". Yet all I see in their eyes are pain and fear, a great longing for acceptance, a craving to 'get it right'.

Life is shitty, love. Sprinkling copious sugar on top of it wouldn't make it less shitty. It's akin to drizzling honey on your over-salted stew, hoping it would be edible. All it will serve you is an even more inedible dish, which you still have to eat either way.

The deeper shit we are in, the more we tried to act as if nothing wrong. Because nobody likes Debby Downer. We can't afford to be pushed aside, not in our peak of fragility and loneliness.

We are also told that 'it will change the mindset'. Enthusiastic attitude makes us feel better with ourselves, or so we're told. Maybe it's because of the positive response that we get from people around us.

Yet it's ok to break down. It's ok to cry. It's ok to spend your Friday night sobbing and lamenting. It's ok to be weak and vulnerable. It's ok to realize the condition is shitty, and you have no control of it.

Put on a smile on your face when you are down because it will help. Don't do it because you think it will solve the problem, because it won't. Put on a smile for your confuse and sad self and tell him/her/them this: 

"Hey. I know you are confused and sad and hurt, but we got this. Don't worry. Right now let's take some time to bawl and feel miserable, but remember this: I got you and we got this. This too shall pass."

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