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Tuesday, November 21, 2017

What Ifs

The beauty danced and smiled
Yet frozen inside
"What if he knew I am poor
And doesn't even have a gown of my own?
Let alone the glass slipper
Or the ashes that I have to clean?"

The sweetheart lowered her eyes shyly
Yet gripped inside
"What if he learned of my scaly legs
That I can't partake of seafood dine
Or that I don't know human manners
Because I am not even one?"

The alluring tilted her head innocently
Yet crushed inside
"What if he realized my fear for human
And for everything else under the sun
Which is why I am so pale
That I am no beauty, just a coward?"

The lovely blinked her eyes beautifully
Yet nauseated inside
"What if he found out about my depression
So crippling I can't force myself to work
Motivation and ambition means nothing to me
Caught in it too deep I resort to sleep?"

The enchanting giggles behind her book
Yet horrified inside
"What if he found out my low self-esteem
Thus my books and my loneliness
That I am a reject of the society
And I am absolutely nobody?"

The fairytale continues
And happily ever after is guaranteed
But states of mind are untold
Restlessness inside is unspoken
A thousand "I love you" is possible
But a million "What if" is definite

The true fairy tale is to live without the "What if"
Find the perfect setting
Find the perfect character
Slay the Monster of Doubt
Then live happily ever after
The end.

But who has such luck?
Who has such strength?
Life is not a 10-page storybook
So here we are with our "what if"
Looking for the closure and acceptance
Looking for the happily ever after

For every "What if" we need someone
Who smile and say "It's alright"
For every "But, really, what if" we need someone
Who holds our hand and say "It's ok"
For every "No, you don't understand. What if?" we need someone
Who look into our eyes and calmly say, "I am here."

That would be my fairy tale
That would be my happily ever after
Because doubt is a thousand-headed Hydra
You chopped off one and another one sprung
Till it renders you cripple
Till it eats you alive

Stay with me and have faith in me
And remind me to have faith in myself
Be the lighthouse of my stormy life
Be the anchor that tied me safe in your harbor
This is my fairytale
This is my happily ever after

Till then I will dance with the beauty
I will swim with the sweetheart
I will stay inside with the alluring
I will cuddle with the lovely
I will read with the enchanting
And together we'll say to each other, "But what if..?"

Saturday, November 18, 2017

Dare to Love

I cleaned out my computer files today, and I found a picture of me and an ex-boyfriend. That beaming smile, that confident eyes, that certainty that he was the one, that for once my life will be alright. I was so pretty. Even prettier than when I was with my ex-husband, and back then I thought he was the one too.

Just like my marriage, it didn't work out.

Why do we love, anyway? Nothing lasts forever. Human is too finicky for our own good. Mind changes faster than politicians taking sides. That, or us blinding ourselves of the truth, only seeing what we want to see and refuse to accept the whole package. Either way, disappointment is bound to happen.

When that one moment arrives, it is that special feeling as if everything falls right into place and for a brief moment you can see the whole completed jigsaw, or you'd like to think so. You are Disney's Cinderella, transfixed to your Prince(ss) Charming, quietly and dazedly mumbled: "So this is love… So this is what makes life divine..." Nothing, nothing can go wrong.

At least for a minute or two. Then the world starts to go crashing down, or stagnation crept in. Then it's like a bad series of franchise movies, where it gets worse and boring with every new production but you don't have the heart to stop watching it because you are already committed to it.

And when it is all over, you sat there and weep. You walk around acting like nothing happened, other than how the world seemed so dead to you. You flinched every time someone smiled at you, or when they showed the slightest interest in you. Not again. Not so soon, anyway. That last one was special, therefore it shouldn't be forgotten that soon, right?

Yet even after that, your heart will give way again. And then you'll be in love again. You'll forget how awful it will make you feel, or the amount of hard work you have to put to make it work. It doesn't matter. The fun right now is what matter. You are going to be drunk on love, and it feels so damn good. Come what may, you'll be careful anyway. Or so you say.

Then the morning comes, along with regrets and 'hangovers'. And you swore never, never again. You closed your eyes and heart. No more, you promised yourself. Until the next person arrived, and you fell in love yet again.

Was it worth it? I don't know. For me it was. I make a name by writing about romance and such, which almost all stemmed from my own romantic escapades. For some, it wasn't. They'll guard their heart carefully and even rejecting the notion of happiness, devoid of all emotions. It's akin to choosing to eat minimally spiced food to protect yourself from adverse health risk, as opposed to getting all crazy with explosive spices and exotic herbs. Nothing wrong with either.

I live for those moments. I live for those tender touch and hungry eyes, for the nervous smiles and warm embraces. I live for love. Whose love, I cannot tell, as I observe my locked soul. The fires that burn outside has nothing on the icy cold soul inside. 'The one' might never arrive, and honestly, I kinda hope he won't arrive. I am good with where I am right now.

The fear of love debilitates me, the same love that gave me wings. "You'll heal," they say, "you'll love again." Maybe. Not really counting on it, but maybe. When the time is right. When the grief has ebbed. When the heart is strong again. When I finally dare to love again. For now, I am my own friend, my own companion, my own lover. Honestly, it's been great so far 😉 .

Thursday, November 16, 2017

Berpindah Haluan

Kemarin saya ke Universal Studio lagi. Akhirnya menyerah beli Annual Pass (tiket setahun), dengan alasan untuk menemani teman SMA yang sedang main ke LA. Ini epic banget lho, karena sebelumnya saya males banget pergi ke taman hiburan. 

Saya selalu berpikir pergi ke taman hiburan itu garing, apalagi saya jomblo. Saya juga nggak fanatik banget sama film dan sebagainya. 3 tahun lebih tinggal di LA, nggak pernah sekalipun pergi ke Disneyland atau Universal Studio yang notabene sejengkal dari rumah. Yah, nggak sejengkal amat sih. "Mahal," alasan saya yang lainnya, padahal Annual Pass Universal Studio itu lebih murah dari budget jajan saya sebulan. Pokoknya nggak deh.

Perasaan saya berubah saat dapat kesempatan masuk ke Universal Studio secara gratis. Siapa sih yang nggak suka gratisan? Orang-orang yang bersama saya itu menyenangkan. Saya masuk atraksi nggak pakai mengantri karena kebetulan teman saya punya Fast Pass. Pokoknya semua menyenangkan deh. Segala iming-iming yang saya dengar sebelumnya mendadak masuk akal. Dunia terasa indah. Saya nggak mikir dua kali untuk beli Annual Pass dan minta cuti dengan alasan 'menemani teman'. 

Kenapa sih agama nggak seperti ini?

Seriusan lho. Kalau saya pertama kali ke Universal Studio ini dengan paksaan, baik karena ancaman, karena diledek, atau karena dibuat merasa tak nyaman dengan diri saya, pasti saya yang nggak lagi-lagi deh main kesana. Males banget kan. Nggak butuh-butuh amat juga. Tapi pengalaman saya dengan Universal Studio ini sangat positif, sangat menyenangkan, dan saya merasa sangat bermanfaat untuk diri saya. Seperti saya bilang, malah saya yang antusias untuk menjadi 'warga' Universal Studio.

Kebayang nggak kalau ini agama dan/atau kepercayaan? Saya sih nggak mengerti ya kenapa orang suka repot mengajak orang masuk agama/kepercayaan lain. Apakah karena merasa benar sendiri? Apakah karena mengharap pahala (baca: recruitment bonus) bagai pekerja MLM? Apakah karena memang ingin membantu orang? Tapi kalau mau membantu orang, berlaku agresif dan memaksakan pendapat kayanya malah bikin orang kabur, bukan?

Soal rekomendasi, saya pakarnya. Kalau ada orang yang duduk ngobrol sama saya, pasti saya akan memberikan rekomendasi ABC. "Coba deh jalan-jalan naik kereta, asik lho!" "Nonton opera itu bisa cuma seharga $16 lho!" "Naik blue line ke Santa Monica itu paling top deh…" Kenapa? Karena hal-hal yang saya rekomendasikan itu membuat saya bahagia, dan saya ingin membagikan kebahagiaan saya kepada orang lain. 

Namun kalau terlihat orangnya nggak nyaman atau nggak tertarik rekomendasi saya, ya sudah, nggak apa-apa. Saya harus menghormati perasaan lawan bicara saya. Lagipula, yang cocok buat saya belum tentu cocok dengan orang lain. Ada orang yang nggak suka pedas, ada orang yang takut ketinggian, ada orang yang nggak suka bergaul. 

Nggak ada satupun rekomendasi yang semua orang pasti cocok. Kalau buat saya itu memang cocok buat orang tersebut, pendekatannya yang saya ubah agar sesuai dengan kebutuhannya. Kalau masih nggak cocok ya nggak apa-apa. Mungkin belum saatnya. Nggak usah dipaksa.

Adem kan kalau begini? Seperti saya dan Universal Studio tadi. Yang mengajak saya pertama kali (dengan gratis) itu orangnya baiiiik banget, dan saya percaya sama dia. Kalaupun saya harus bayar setengah harga mungkin saya masih mau bela-belain, karena ya itu, orangnya yang suuuper baik dan sudah menunjukkan dia bisa saya percayai. 

'Trust is earned, respect is given, and loyalty is demonstrated.' Kepercayaan itu didapatkan (dari usaha), rasa hormat itu diberikan, dan kesetiaan itu ditunjukkan. Teman saya telah memperoleh kepercayaan saya, telah memperoleh rasa hormat saya, dan telah menunjukkan kesetiaannya. Jangankan disuruh datang main (gratis) ke Universal Studio, disuruh menemani main ke kuburan pun mungkin saya mau.

Dikala riuhnya kesinisan soal artis yang lepas jilbab, atau cerita teman berjilbab yang dibentak ibu-ibu yang juga berjilbab saat mencari tahu lebih lanjut tentang pendaftaran di sekolah Kristen, saatnya kita bertanya, apa sih yang kita cari dari agama kita? Jangan salah, semua agama dan kepercayaan memiliki orang-orang yang seperti ini, para ekstrimis yang menggunakan agama untuk menjustifikasi tindakan dan hasrat mereka. Baca deh soal ekstrimis Hindu di India, ekstrimis Katolik di Irlandia, ekstrimis Kristen, Buddha, semua lengkap kok. 

Kalau memang niatnya baik, sampaikanlah dengan baik. Nggak ada lho ceritanya Tuhan menilai dan menghakimi: "Ih jijay deh eike sama yu," Ada juga bertebaran cerita betapa pengasih dan pemaafnya Tuhan, yang bahkan mahluk terkecil dan terhina pun dikasihi. Siapa kita sih yang dengan pedenya takut ketularan jelek, makanya sibuk menghakimi? Bila iya, apakah itu nilai agama bagi kita, sekedar pembenaran diri bahwa kita lebih baik dari yang lain?

Kita mencari kebaikan di dunia ini, dan kita ingin membagikan kebaikan itu, ingin membagikan hal-hal yang membuat kita bahagia agar orang lain ikut bahagia. Wajar banget kok, dan terimakasih banyak sudah menjadi seseorang yang super dengan mau berpikir tentang kebahagiaan orang lain. Ini yang harus ada dalam tiap langkah kita: ketulusan hati ingin membuat orang lain bahagia.

Kalau dia nggak bahagia dengan rekomendasi kita, ya pendekatannya yang kita ubah, atau bahkan diri kita sendiri. Sudahkah kita menunjukkan kita layak mendapat kepercayaannya dan membuatnya percaya kita memikirkan kebahagiaannya? Kalau masih tidak bisa, biarkan dia dengan pilihannya. Ingat, nggak semua orang cocok dengan apa yang cocok untuk kita. Pilihanmu pilihanmu, pilihanku pilihanku.

Nah sekarang, kalau ada pembaca yang main ke Los Angeles kasi tahu ya, kita main ke Universal Studios bareng hihihi.

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