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Tuesday, August 6, 2019

Days Without Incident

Cooking some Indonesian instant noodle at 11 pm in my microwave. Watching the bowl in the microwave go round and round. Sipping lychee beer from the can. Shoving a mouthful of the sodium-laden noodle in my mouth. It tasted like sawdust. I shove some more in. Eat. Eat. Eat. The floor looked so inviting. Maybe it will be comfortable enough with some blanket? 

Can't even look at the door to my bedroom. I don't want to go. Ac was on, bed was made, and my lovely boyfriend was in there sleeping peacefully. It was the last place on earth I want to go to. I can see myself swaddle in blankets on the floor. It will be safe. It will be perfect. Boyfriend wouldn't notice. But if he does, he'll be heartbroken. It is not fair for him. I went to the bedroom and lay next to him, silently crying myself to sleep.

It wasn't even his fault. It was an accident. We were together and something he did triggers my trauma. I was gone in an instant, spiraling down the hole. Even as he hugged me close, all I can think of was running away. A part of me knew it was him and I am safe with him, another part of me saw the past and was eager to run into the night. 

It's the memory of all the nights of crying silently in my marriage. Of sexual intercourse that was done only so ex-husband will shut up. Of being blamed for his inability to perform, from not appetizing enough to how slutty and despicable I am. Of wanting to be loved so badly but was treated like a piece of meat. Of wanting to run away but I'm 8000 miles from home. Of trying to get help but no one wanted to help. After all, am I not the gold digger?

My boyfriend was so remorseful when I told him he accidentally hurt me. He couldn't have known. I didn't even know. I should have told him when it happened. My excuse was it is not fair for him. It was not his fault that I am batshit crazy. It was late and he need sleep. The reality is I am scared to ask for help and got rejected again. I am scared he'll attacked me instead like my ex-husband did before. He is not that kind of man, but once you got bitten by a dog even the friendliest bark sounds like Cerberus' howl.

I hate it. I thought I did so well. I am learning to love again. I am treated respectfully and lovingly. Yet my shield is still up. My trust is still low. I am still falling again to the state of despair and fear, drowning in my emotion. I am still sitting in the bus, thinking to myself: "Death sounds very comforting right now." 3+ years of struggling and here I am. Days without incident: 0.

Monday, July 29, 2019

The Lighthouse

You can't hide integrity and loyalty. There's so much fakeness around that your well-meaning and sincerity shine as bright as a lighthouse in a stormy night.

Even when you are standing against the crowd, as long as what you believe is not based on malice or to cater your selfish ego you will still shine.

It takes a lot to be courageous. It takes a lot to be nice in a world full of disdain. It takes a lot to stay true when the darkness prevails. It takes a lot to shine.

At the same time, it doesn't take a lot to see through selfishness. Maintaining the illusion of keeping yourself together is harder than it seems.

People know backstabbers. People know those who think they are better than others. Weak mind and jealousy are dreaded accessories that we often unknowingly wear.

We can't see it because we don't think we are donning them. We believe in our glory and thus people must've seen us majestically and not as the laughing stock.

Yet the fairest judge is ourselves and how we choose to see ourselves. Are we the "Better than all" type or are we the "All be better" type?

The humble eyes that love our self with all our flaws. The loving heart that cares for others. The conscious mind that wish happiness for all, even on our enemy. How beautiful we can be if we choose too.

You can't fake who you are. People can choose to be duped or overlook the blatant cover-up, but who you are will always shows. Are you comfortable enough to let it shine?

Monday, July 8, 2019

A Dream is a Wish Your Heart Make

"But what if it doesn't work?"

A part of me roll my eyes every time the question popped up in my head. Then we get a new dick to ride on, I would crudely answer. What's the big deal? It's not like LA has limited options. 

Broken heart and emptiness inside are easily fixed with the song of the city. LA is a delectable lover that never leave me lonely and sad. I will be fine even without a special someone.

Yet the question persisted. I would glance at him and feel like the world is all right, only to be replaced by the icy cold feeling that it will not last. Soon enough the spell will be broken.

He would grew tired of my insecurity. He would be bothered with my clumsiness. He would be annoyed with how I viewed life. He would be repulsed with my many self-centered hobbies. 

I am not pretty enough to make him stay. Not vivacious enough to be kept. Not rich enough to give him a pampered life. I can't even use the correct tenses and gender pronouns. 

I don't deserve this. I know I don't. He could very well be sending me on my way like I did to men before him, or I can send him off because I am too broken and stupid to know how to love.

And then death will come. Not a real death, but the emptiness in his heart where love no longer reside. The way his eyes will turn into dark abyss where the light can't reach. And then it will be over. Again.

I should stop thinking about it, because it is a self-fulfilling prophecy. And honestly, good dick is really not hard to find. I should just enjoy what I have now instead of fretting the future. Am I not one tough cookie?

Insecurity is an ugly monster that makes you feel and look worse than you really are. It's not sexy. It's disgusting. It also very conveniently drown you alive, suffocating you and preventing you from being, well, alive.

I am fighting it even though it seemed like a lost battle. There are too many times I want to call it off and run away. I didn't, though. Not yet. Good job, Ary. One step at a time. We can do this. We deserve this.

And one day maybe, just maybe... "A dream that you wish will come true..."

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