I'm Fine

"I'm always fine. Don't worry," I texted my friend with a smile emoji. She, in return, send back the emoji with a single tear. It hit me hard. How many times already I said that lie?

Yesterday, SAD/Seasonal depression hit me so hard that I have to stay at home. As an added precaution, I turned off my phone. Luckily my fridge is well-stocked with food that I only need to microwave them. There I was, spending the day in my room completely cut from people.

And it was great. I read on people's feeling and emotion too well, even over the virtual connection. This detachment allows me to ground myself, to be just with myself. Surprisingly, it also gives me the chance to mourn, as I just got my heart broken the night before.

I only realized now that I never had the chance to mourn my marriage. Got kicked out of the apartment, was back working two days later. Find out he was cheating, at work two days later. Move out and finalizing divorce, was back the next day. It's always the same lie: "I'm fine. Don't worry."

A part of me is doing that because a lot of people freaked out when I broke down. A lot of people care about me, and I really don't want them to worry. A part of me is doing that because it is too hard to face reality that, in fact, it really breaks me down.

My ex-husband's not worth it anyway, I told myself. I am stronger than that, I convinced myself. I am not going to let him break me down, I exclaimed defiantly to myself. But he's worth it to me. I am allowed to cry, to be sad, to mourn. And yes, it really did break me down.

When I sat in my room yesterday, among the blasts of battle cries from Age of Empire, I mourned. The sadness I feel when my heart got broken this time was painful, but in no way compare to the pain I felt two years ago. Even so, I am grateful for this chance of mourning, this chance of proper goodbye and adequate closure.

My non-relationship relationship ended. And it's okay. I made my choices, and so did he. The beautiful memories will always be there for me, the gentle embraces and delightful moments. It didn't work out like I would have wanted to, and it's okay. Not all puzzle pieces fit together. 

I reach for my phone and check his social media. I read his message to me.  At least this one was more genuine and more thoughtful than the spiteful ones from my ex, and I really appreciate that. I look at his other posts, at his profile pic. I smiled warmly. I will be fine. Don't worry.