If Only

I bought a Wii balance board and spent my Saturday laughing and cussing at it. According to Wii Fit I am not balanced, a couch potato, and with little stability. Oh and I was between 45-51 year old in Wii Fit age.

I laughed and I smiled. And then I cried. 

My non-existent balance and lack of agility were the inside joke between me and my ex-bf. He would have had a field day seeing me on the Wii Fit. It would have made him smile and laughed too. It would made him so happy and joyful.

And he almost did. He had the Wii. He had the balance board. He offered me to use it when we were together. I said yes but never follow through. I didn't know what it was back then. He never set them up, either. 

I am sad because it could have been a core memory that we had. Another precious memory like us dancing while waiting in line, or the cozy afternoon napping on the sofa with Star Wars marathon.

Will it be enough for keeping us together? Maybe not. Our differences are too big. But we could have that stolen moment together. I could've smiling remembering that moment of happiness with him, instead of the current "If only..."

Happiness is but a fleeting temptress. It will pass you by in a blink of an eye. You can't expect it to last, nor that you will have a second chance at it. You just gotta grab it aggressively. No matter how mundane you think something is, just take life by the hand and run with it.

Every smile counts. Every peal of laughter counts. Every "I love you" counts. Every embraces, every night you spend together, every meal you shared. You get my point. 

I haven't gotten over him. My healing is still in process. There will be so many "If only..." for me. The private Millennium Falcon ride. The blues dancing lessons. My Deathstar. The new outfits that I bought.

Yet the Wii Fit hits me the hardest. I wish I could give him that last happy moment. I wish he could have something happy to remember me by, instead of the harsh break up. I wish he could remember my glowing face when I am with him.

Alas, I can't change time. The Wii didn't happen because neither of us made effort for it. We didn't happen because our effort did not meet each other's. All that is left is to move forward. Onwards to the next adventure, to the next happy moments. One day the gap will be filled. One day.

Until that day comes, I still love you to the Deathstar and back.

Malu

Para pembaca yang follow akun fesbuk dan ige pribadi saya mungkin sudah tahu dua bulan ini saya babak belur. Putus lagi cintaku konon. Ini kenapa saya seolah missing in action/lenyap ditelan bumi.

"Kenapa ga nulis soal ini? Malu ya ketahuan elu aja yang ga becus melihara lelaki?

Nggak lho. Saya tetap menulis soal ini tapi dalam Bahasa Inggris. Buat saya putus cinta dan bangkit kembali secara sehat adalah pelajaran hidup yang terlalu sering dikubur dibawah "Ya udah cari yang baru saja." Namun saat ini masih terlalu menyakitkan dan terlalu riil untuk bercerita dalam Bahasa Ibu. 

Tapi pasti banyak orang yang menuduh saya diam karena malu. Sudah pamer kemesraan lalu putus, kasian deh loe. Waktu putus pun terbersit kepanikan: apa kata mantan suami saya kalau tahu??

Ya kalau dia tahu pun kenapa? Bukan urusan dia juga. Bukan urusan siapa-siapa juga. Kalau orang kepo dan menghakimi tanpa tahu duduk alasannya, itu cerminan diri mereka dan bukan cerminan diri saya.

Realistis saja ya. Saya sampai saat ini masih babak belur. Masih tidur memeluk boneka beruang pemberiannya yang bisa bilang "I love you Ary" dengan suaranya. Masih terus menangis karena kangen sekali sama akang ganteng ini.

Saya juga masih harus kembali menata keuangan saya karena hidup sendiri itu mahal cuy. Masih siap-siap kembali bekerja di kantor setelah 14 bulan work from home. Masih beradaptasi dengan hidup sendiri lagi.

Terus saya masih harus mikirin apa kata orang? Duh me first lah. Saya dulu. Apa yang orang pikirkan tentang saya nggak bisa bantu saya bayar apartemen. Nggak bisa juga bikin hubungan saya kembali seperti semula.

Banyak orang yang tidak berani putus hubungan karena memikirkan apa kata khalayak ramai. Banyak juga yang saat putus lebih khawatir 'apa kata orang' dan takut menjadi bahan gosip. 

Begini ya. Bill dan Melinda Gates saat cerai langsung jadi bulan-bulanan. Jadi bahan gosip, bahan meme, bahan celaan dan makian. Padahal saat masih menikah nggak ada netizen yang reseh. Terus elu pikir elu bisa gitu lolos dari ghibah masyarakat?

Manusia itu sadis. Kesengsaraan orang lain adalah anugrah karena membuat kita jadi merasa lebih mending. "Idih amit-amit jadi si XYZ. Bagus gue ga begitu". Masalah apa iya kita memang benar lebih 'benar/mending' dari XYZ itu lain cerita. Saat ini XYZ yang lebih 'kasian dah loe' dan itu yang kita pertahankan.

Nggak ada jalan keluar sih. Teman-teman terdekat saya itu juara banget. Nggak ada penghakiman dan sabar banget denger saya curhat/nangis/stress. Tapi akan selalu ada orang yang "Tuh kan dia emang ga bisa keep lelaki" . 

Kalau yang begini diambil hati mah cepet tuanya. Kita nggak bisa disukai semua orang. Pasti ada saja yang tidak suka kita dan siap menikmati kabar buruk tentang kita. Atau bahkan tidak kenal tapi tetap menikmati gosip nyinyir untuk entertainment mereka.

Ngapain juga yang begini dipikirin?

Sekali lagi, putus hubungan itu traumatis sekali. Prioritaskan untuk fokus ke penyembuhan diri kita, karena itu saja sudah akan jungkir balik. Percaya deh, orang yang sudah niat untuk berpikir negatif tentang kita akan tetap berpikir negatif walau kita menang Nobel perdamaian.

Sebaliknya, teman yang benar teman akan langsung bergerak membantu kita. Bagi mereka, kesehatan mental dan perbaikan kebahagiaan kita jauh lebih penting daripada ingin tahu detail siapa berbuat apa dan kenapa sampai bubar.

Jangan mempertahankan hubungan yang tak sehat hanya karena 'malu'. Jangan juga sibuk memikirkan apa kata orang dan bukannya fokus healing diri sendiri. Omongan miring tidak akan pernah berhenti kok. Jangan digubris. Toh bukan mereka juga yang membantu kita 'sehat' kembali.

Nilai diri kita tidak bergantung dari omongan orang lain. Nilai diri kita bergantung dari bagaimana kita melihat diri kita sendiri. Jadi berbelas-kasihanlah pada diri kita sendiri. Jangan malah disiksa dengan memusingkan omongan orang. 

Love yourself ya para pembaca. Cintai diri anda sendiri. Orang lain yang negatif mah kelaut aja. Bye cyn, sono bergaul dengan terumbu karang becak. Sama2 ga berfaedah kan?

Home

"Ticketing: Thank you. Your opera tickets have been booked.

Me: So just show up with my vaccination card and California ID? Do you need me to sign anything in blood or something? Because this means so much to me I wouldn't mind."

To say I was ecstatic about the live in-person performance of LA opera was an understatement. I was shaking with joy when I read the announcement email. The world was suddenly right again. The customer service was laughing with glee upon hearing my excitement. I almost cried when I got the e-tickets in my inbox.

This is it. This is home.

The bright light and the enchanting music. The glistening chandeliers and the soft carpet. The beautiful dress and the sophisticated feel. The mesmerizing play and colorful costume.

This is where I belong. Among arts and music. Under the night lights and the liveliness of the city. With people who are as excited with life as I am. A place where I can be myself.

And I tried. For the love of God I tried. I tried to be so good. So diligent. The obedient little wife. The perfect partner. 

He came home to a clean house, to a well made food. The bed is always warm. Our precious baby puppy all well behave and properly taken care of. Kisses and prepared lunch before he went to work. Cuddles and snuggles available 24/7.

I want nothing in return but his love. It was enough. A brunch now and then at the local restaurants, it was enough. Night stroll to the park just the two of us, it was enough. Watching Star Wars series in Disney+, it was enough.

It was the perfect white picket fence dream. When he wanted the house in the suburb, I was on board. This new life mattered more to me. After a year of lockdown, this new life felt more real to me than anything else. I wanted this white picket fence life. It was supposed to be my happily ever after.

Yet it ended. The house was bought but I didn't move in. I had to stand my ground on an important subject and that cost me everything. Him. Our puppy. The suburban house. My happily ever after. 

I went insane. I was depressed. I can't eat. I can't stop crying. I keep talking about him on and on and on. I keep purchasing random items in a desperate attempt to make myself feel I am worth it. To make myself feel I am desirable. To make me feel something.

Even the crazy amount of hugs and love that I received from my friends were not enough to snapped me back to reality. I lost my 'home', see. He was my 'home'. He was my happily ever after. What else do I have left? Why does life even matter anymore?

And then LA Opera resumes their in-person performance. And I realized, I did not lose everything.

The Stepford wife was gone, along with her white picket fence dream. But the city girl survives. The confident, flirtatious siren who inhale excitement like oxygen. The patron of art and worshipper of life. The lover of the city and the mistress of the night.

Soon she will be home again. Hello Los Angeles. I miss you so much.

Stepmoms

Here's to all the stepmoms out there

The official ones with a ring from the daddy-o

The unofficial ones with nothing but promises

The ones that went all in because you just fall in love 

head over heel with your stepkids

The ones who did it because you love your partner

and you know the kid's happiness matters to them

The ones that do fun exciting things with your stepkid

The ones that are holding their anger checked because WHY ARE YOU SUCH A BRAT

The ones that will not get a "Happy Mother's Day". Ever.

The ones that know they will lose it all when you break up

They are not your children, we kept being told

You do not bore them or blood-related to them, so they say

You will never be their mom, they reminded us

Then what are we, pray do tell?

Why are we wasting our time as a glorified nanny?

Winning no thanks, risking losing all?

Is it better that we stay aloof?

What's yours is yours and do not interfere with me?

Is it better that we maintain the distance?

"I am here just for your dick and nothing else?"

What kind of life is that?

Is love not mean accepting all, parcels and packages?

This Mother's Day, say thanks to those 'extras'

Those pesky women who happened to be a part of Dad's life

Those who reached out and calm you baby

Those who tried to make your precious feel comfortable

Those who give a lending hand to dad to handle the kids

Those who love unconditionally

Knowing fully well they will be taken away as needed

Knowing fully well it may not last

We didn't birth them, nor did we carry them

But we choose to love them nonetheless, to care and protect

And dinner is always served, regardless

Plans still are made with them as the center

"Thank you for being there for the kids."

"Thank you for being here with me with the kids."

"Thank you for being kind to my kids."

"Thank you for choosing to be decent."

And parents: don't ever, ever start a relationship

If you are not 100% sure this is the right person for your kids

And when you do found this person

Keep them. Fight for them. Make their sacrifice matter.

Because in the end, it's these stepmoms who will lose it all.

So cheers to you, ladies. Thank you for being a mom.