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Monday, February 27, 2017


[#shortstory #fiction]

"What are you?" she said. Her eyes looked curiously upon the creature. She had never seen anything like it, but she liked its brown eyes. The creature, in turn, looked at her suspiciously. It made a gesture to come towards her, but at the last moment it sprang and ran. She was left alone, bewildered and surprised.

The next day she saw the creature again. This time, she didn't say anything, only smiling encouragingly at it. When she was home yesterday, she remembered how frightening it was to be the new kid, and how every 'Hi' and 'How are you' freaked her out. Maybe the creature felt the same. It still looked at her suspiciously, but she was careful not to make any sudden movement. Aside from the smile, she pretended it wasn't there. Give it a little space, she said.

Several days passed before the creature stopped looking at him suspiciously, and more curiously. The creature did not hide anymore, in fact, it almost seemed like it was waiting for her. One day, she played a prank on the creature. She didn't smile when she passed where the creature was, and looking down to the ground instead. The creature got agitated and started to follow her, which then she looked up and give it a big "Boo!" and laugh. The creature went hiding for days, and she felt so bad.

"Do you miss home?" she said, while the creature gently combed her hair. The creature has long brittle fingers, she loved the feel of those fingers on her hair. They have come a long way since that first encounter.  She knew what the creature was. At first, she suspected the creature was a wayward spirit or ghoul, but the creature's constant solidness made her think it was something else. She decided he must've been alien, somehow stranded here. 

The creature did not reply. It had not learned the language she used, so she just shrugged it off. To her surprise, the creature pointed out towards the horizon. "Home," it said in its weird vocal. She looked at the creature in surprise. "Home," she replied. She smiled in joy. She had become so attached to this creature, she had stopped thinking about it as a pet. She liked the creature. She started to wonder how can she kept the creature around. Will her mother mind as much? She could take a good care of the creature. Like, how hard could it be anyway.

The creature's hands clasped her cheeks and held her face close to its face. "Home," the creature said. Its brown eyes locked into hers, and she felt fever burning in her. Sorcery, she thought to herself and struggled to be free. Yet at the same time, she didn't want to. She just wanted to be lost in the creature's eyes. Is it bad? Is it wrong? Her body burned from within, and her heart beat like a drum. It is killing me, she thought, and then what? Will the creature eat her? Was the creature planning to kill and eat her all along?

The sound of the horn surprised them both. The loud yelling and the weapons being brandished freaked them both out, and soon they were clutching each other in fright. "You, let go of her!!" screamed one of the pursuers. The creature panicked and let her go, run as fast as it can back to the concrete jungle where it came from. The clanging sound of the metal bin and the rotten stench of the trash assaulted her as the pursuers run after the creature, and her throat throbbed from screaming, both calling for the creature and begging it should not be hurt.

"Lady, are you alright? You shouldn't wander afar from the mansion like this," said one of the pursuer. "I am fine, thank you," she responded. A maid came running and put silk and cashmere robe around her to keep her warm. "We will make sure we catch the peasant and punished him. Now if you please get into the limo, we'll drive you back to the mansion," said the captain of the guard, a handsome woman dressed in a suit. She looked at her, baffled. "So.. that was.. a man?" The maid and the captain of the guard looked at each other in distress. "Lady," the maid said soothingly, "Let's go." She walked with them obediently, but she threw glances to the filthy concrete jungle now and then. A man. Her first man. The brown eyes and long finger. A man. Her man. She shivered. Her body burned once again.

From the midst of the concrete jungle, a few pair of eyes carefully watched the procession, as they all retreat back to The Mansion. "So that's the infamous Virgin of The Mansion," said one watcher. "She was a real beauty, what a prize to have!" said the other watcher. "Haha, like either of us peasants will have a chance on her," another watcher answered, "her mother has had her locked up in years, it was rumored she has never seen a man before." All the other watchers laughed and exchange bawdy jokes and lewd comments about what they are going to do with her if they had the chance. All except one brown-eyed watcher that was quietly burning inside. The smell of her perfume, the softness of her face, and those eyes… He felt his body burning. Nothing else mattered anymore. Except her. The fever has risen and there was no way to quench it down.

Goodnight Facebook

Goodnight Facebook
I'll see you again tomorrow
(Or maybe at 3 am when bathroom calls
And Whatsapp messages blowing up my phone)

Glad to see not so many nasty news today
(Then again, I slept all day)
Either your algorithm work or people chill a bit
(I wish it was the later, not the first)

Glad to see not so many 'Positive words' too
The only thing I want to see positive
Is when I positively won the lottery
Word helps for some, but hard cold cash is not that bad

Glad to see not so many hoax news too
Or opinion masqueraded as news
(Maybe it has something to do with me reporting them
Stay vigilant. Stay vigilant. Stay vigilant)

People whine about you, blaming you for things
But you are cool. And you really help.
In a far away land I feel not so alone
And yes, I do learn a lot from you

I learn how to cook delicious stuff
I read interesting articles and entertaining memes
I know what's happening in other part of the world
And able to zeroed in on a-holes and trolls and other unsavory character

(Which, by the way, a REALLY useful skill
You can really tell a person from how he/she speaks
And since most people don't have filter in virtual world
Hello....true self)

I will put my phone down and go to sleep
(Most likely will browse something first
I mean, it's not like I have a life or anything)
And I guess I will see you again tomorrow

You're my sweetest addiction
My most useful temptation
My downfall and my muse
And yes, I need you so

Goodnight Facebook
Goodnight Facebook people
All you haters and lovers and fan and stalkers
And those of you that didn't really care

Sweet dream, giant machine of algorithm
Night night, complicated AI
Happy working, Facebook worker
Thanks for being in (and helping) my life

11:07 pm, Feb 26, 2017

Thursday, February 23, 2017

But What If

Cried my heart out there on the pavement
Smashed cake and shattered heart
Suicidal thoughts and melancholic tears
An end to an end that ends all end

But what if I never see you again?
Will the sky still be blue and the moon as full?
What if I never met you before?
Will I cry, will I laugh, will I live so complete?

Shyly looking at him from the passenger's seat
Giggling through the songs, a romantic fool
Gentle kisses and gentler love
A prelude to a finish, an eternal closure

But what if I never touch you again?
Will the sun still shine and the stars still bright?
What if I never kiss you before?
Will I know how it is to feel safe and content?

People come and people go, but memory lingers
The day I met you is the day I know I will lose you
Threads disconnected, affection fades away
In a world of uncertainties, the end is always certain

Should I not take your hand then, or softly touch you?
Should I not laugh and smile and giggle, or be happy near you?
Should I not look into your eyes and find solace there?
Should I not bother to realize that you exist in this world?

Yet your existence shaped my life, enhance it even further
Even when the good memories keep me awake all night 
And the loss and the pain will leave some scars
I wouldn't, couldn't want it any other way

Let me tell you I love you, as if you'll be gone the next day 
Let me hold you close and care for you, as if it's gonna be my last
Let me be strong and choose the certainty of a separation
Over the uncertainty of missing an experience with you

For the pain and misery is difficult to bear
Yet not knowing you is even worse
The sleepless nights and the flowing tears are painful
Yet embracing you and feel you near are all that matters

I will love again, even though I will lose you
I will trust again, even though forever is a mirage
I will give my heart and soul, even though this will not last
I will risk the pain, because it is well worth it

Come closer then, sweet lover, one of my many
'Cause for now, you will be my one and only
Tears will fall and heart will break
But let me savor this sweetness, just for a bit

Kiss me now, sweet darling, with all you got
Make every gesture a thing to remember
The loneliness after will kill us, that's for sure
But let us be lost in each other, just for a while

'Tis a dangerous game we're playing, where sanity is at risk
Where eternal hell could wait, just for a second of happiness
Is it worth it? Will it worth it?
Why, yes. Why do you even ask?

Take the plunge, sweet baby, and don't look back
Come find me and let our story began
The drama and the tragedy will follow after
But the romance and comedy is also there to be indulged

And let me love you, as I will let you love me
Let me kiss you and give my all, as I will accept your all
Let me fill your life, as you will fill mine
Let us be together, for this very short time

Love me, sweet lover
Hold me dear, sweet darling
Comfort me, sweet baby
And be forever mine, until time for us to part…

Tuesday, February 21, 2017

The Dead Girl

She was dead. I saw her sighed her last breath as she walked out from his apartment for the very last time July last year. Her body was nowhere to be seen, which was good because her injuries would make her body too grotesque to see. Many months have passed since then, and I know she has been relieved from all the pain. Yet still I weep for her. Still she haunted me.

February was her happiest month. It was the month where she found, or she thought she find, her true love. The poor, stupid, naïve girl gave her all to him. She thought he was the one. As I scroll through the remnants of her memories, her Facebook posts, I can see the stark difference between when she was still loved and when she was not anymore. I remember her questioning his lack of attention, and him telling her it was all her imagination. Silly girl, I thought to myself, can't you see the love was gone? The best girlfriend is the one he hasn't got yet.

Yet still she strived, still she tried. When they were first together they had talked about making a grand celebration, going back home to her country, to commemorate their meeting day, which was on a leap day. It didn't happen. He did come back to her country a few months later, not to celebrate their fateful meeting but to meet with another woman. She threw a fancy date for him that special day, atop LA's fancy high-rise lounge, just for the once-in-four-year occasion; unknowingly that he already had the other girl in mind. I am glad she didn't know it back then. I am glad all her concerns back then was, as always, the lack of acknowledgment. Poor, poor girl. Why did you even strive so hard?

Of course, she knew. She always knew, she just didn't consciously realize it. There was no mention of her anywhere in his posts. There was no public thank you note or loving words or whatever like he did before, even for the things she specially prepared for him. She felt she was an attention whore for wanting it, but deep inside she knew why she needed the public acknowledgment. When his gf told her that he said they were separated, she laughed hysterically. The unloved husband. The cruel, cold, wife. It made it all the better to garner sympathies, which exactly what happened after they made the separation public. Do you know what I did for him, I remember her yelling in despair, do you know how much I loved him? Nobody knows.

She was dead, but sometimes her ghost still lingers. The days towards their meeting day. The day where he kicked her out of the apartment. The day where she handed him the book she wrote for him, the book about their love story together, yet still he left to meet the other woman. The day where she found out about the other woman. She did not linger and weep for the love she lost, she lingered and wept for the love she gave, for her love that got trashed and tossed aside. Her grief often gave me nightmares, as I stood there helplessly, awash in her dreaded memories. One day her ghost will be gone, but for now she lingers.

Her post in 2012: "Which part that "I don't want to get married" that people failed to understand??"
His comment: "Change your mind…"

Rest in peace sweet darling. No one can hurt you anymore. You are free now. Shed the tears, grieved the grief, it is alright. You are safe now. You are free now.

Note: I am good. Something triggered me last night and the monsters returned. I just have to let them out :)

Monday, February 20, 2017

Dear Future Partner

Dear future partner, please don't show up yet.

I know I said I dream of wearing white again
To shiver with anticipation beneath your loving gaze
Spending nights in your warm embrace
Completing my life with your passionate love

But no, don't come just yet

The night of my life has just begun
And the clock won't strike 12 anytime soon
My glass slippers still going on strong
And who needs pumpkin carriage when you got Uber

So please, wait patiently

I promise you a lifetime of kisses and hugs
Innumerable 'I love you', both said and unsaid
I will make you a king and lift you high
And I will be yours, forever more

I want you, but just not now

Let me flutter among theaters and concerts
Let me dance in the ballroom and out on the streets
Let me laugh and flirt in opera houses and game houses
Let me roam the city, wild and free

It'll be fun to do it together, but not now

We shall have the fun together, I promise you
High and above looking classy and fancy
Low and beyond doing things we secretly like
Whatever we do, I promise you fun and companionship

Understand this, and let me be me for now

The night called me, full with promises of gaiety
The day beckoned me, each is an adventure
My tired shoes are worn from walking
But oh how fun life could be!

I want you, dear lover, so please be patient

I will hold your hands soon, and kiss you gently
You will be safe in my arms, fully loved
My life will be complete, and so will yours
Because I love like nobody else can love :)

And yes, I'm worth the wait.

Thursday, February 16, 2017

"Day Without Immigrants" Charade

Ffs, nobody, I said NOBODY, is against immigrants coming here to US. Ok, a very few xenophobic douchebags maybe, but come on, we are all immigrants here. Except for the Native Americans, of course. If anyone have a concern it should be them. And yeah, we would be one of their concerns.

It's about illegal immigrant, people. Illegal. It's about people who come here without proper documentation. Your "Day without Immigrant" sounds fancy and shit, but does any of you really will hire someone without a background check or without a proper work permit? Oh yeah, tax day would be fun, wouldn't it?

And while we are at it, will you just open your house and invite a total stranger from the shady part of the town to come and live with you without checking who he/she is and what's his/her story? Because that's what the 'Muslim ban' is all about: trying to get a better tighter vetting system, thus the temporary ban. Yes, it was TEMPORARY. 

And it was for war-torn countries. Have you ever met anyone right from war-torn countries? You can go to any crime-ridden cities in US where shooutout is common, for a taste. These people need help. They are so fucked up that affection and love might not reach them rightaway. The order was made to protect US people, not about turning our nose snobbishly to people in dire need.

Let's just say there is no ban. What will you do with these refugees and illegal immigrants? Will you help them and embrace them in this whole new world? Will you be ready to put more of your hard-earned tax dollar towards this cause? And I mean more, like, committed more. Not just a few hundred bucks here and there on a fancy fundraising. Will you committed to hire or host a refugee or illegal immigrant to help them adjust with US culture? Because if not, then you are just sounding things. Refugees and illegal immigrants most likely come without the necessary skills needed to survive here, and their fragile situation means they need more hands on accompaniment, not just fancy pledges. How can you help them?

As a non-Spanish speaking immigrant I feel I can't find enough resources in my own language to help me get started here. Everything I know, I learn it myself. It works because: a) As an avid news reader I am already steeped deep in the culture and prety much can see how things work here, and b) my English is pretty good. The refugees and the illegal immigrants may not have this leverage. I am lucky enough to not needing government assistance. I can't imagine how hard it is having to deal with the red tapes without understanding what is needed from them. Can and will you help them with this?

In reality, helping refugees and illegal immigrants are more than just #noban or #dontdeport. In a grander, bigger picture it involves spending resources to help them start here: food, shelter, education, skills, job, cultural adaptation. And due to their severe stress, they also need time to adjust and heal. Aside from resources, we can also help by trying to get the illegal a.k.a. undocumented immigrant got documented properly. Make the process easier and safer. We smarties can do this by actively understanding the current process and see if there is anything that can be made better. This is a solid help that needs to be done.

When I first got here I have to undergo medical screening and interviews, aside from many forms we have to fill out. Even when I got my visa, it still says that the US Custom Officers have the right to reject me on the port of entry should they deemed necessary. I accept that. This is their home, I play by their rule. They are trying to protect the people inside the house. If you go to Indonesia, you play by our rule, by things we deemed necessary to protect our people. In Singapore it means leaving your gums behind. It's not discrimination of whatsoever, the vetting and screening are done to protect the people. Please please please understand this. Some rules, of course, may need to be adjusted and has already been adjusted, like ban on people with HIV to enter US. Wait, you don't know that?

Fyi,  the immigrants I know mostly support the orders. Getting a green card and/or citizenship 'the right way' is not easy. Getting a visa to US can be goddamn hard too. We're playing by every rule in the book to ensure we can legally enter and stay here. If people can be admitted that easily, why bother going through such process? But then again without the process, how can we ensure the people who enter the will not be malicious and is willing to support the country as a whole? Somebody who is willing and able to make US a good place to live instead of just taking advantage of it? And without medical screening, do we really want another Tuberculosis outbreak in the US?

Unfortunately not many people, if any, screamed outrage for Trump's new HB-1 visa requirements, where now it is at min $130k salary, doubled from the previous min $65k. This hurts deep, in my opinion. Like, if you have to hire somebody for min $130k you might as well just get someone from here in US. $65k is a different matter. It is affordable enough for companies, and seeing how awesome us Asians are (I am stereotyping for effect here), it's a pretty good deal. 

Other bonus is that the money these people earned will trickle back down to their own countries. The knowledge, way of thinking, and bright new ideas they found here will trickle down there as well. Concept of democracy, for one. Work ethics. Hopes. They are not only bettering themselves, there is a chance they are, eventually, bettering their country too. And this should be the ultimate goal where all country is well and stable enough that there is no need to go find a better, safer place to live. Why don't we talk about this?

So please, cut the crap about your 'Day without Immigrant' and actually start thinking what can you do for them, hands on. Because if you don't want to interract with refugees and illegal immigrants face to face, you're just doing this for the show. As a first generation low to middle income immigrant (pretty much) fresh off the boat let me tell you this: we don't need your show. Action please. Action.

Tuesday, February 14, 2017

Happy Valentine's Day, Singles!

Thanks to Facebook's "See Your Memories" a.k.a. "On This Day" function, I get to re-read all the romantic comments my ex-husband wrote to me on Facebook from the years before, while looking at his most recent profile pic which is him and his new girlfriend. Awkward…

Don't get me wrong, I love being single. So far it has been no less than amazing. Dirty dancing, checked. Swinger party (where everybody did the 1920s swing), checked. Shopping spree, checked. I cooked the weirdest thing (mashed potato with Guinness gravy, anyone?), meditate the whole night and day, go on my own adventures, flirt however and whenever I want to (and getting flirted back too!), I do whatever I want, whenever I want. My life has never been so complete.

But then there's that picture of him, and it brings back memories. When I love, I love hard core. I remember all the special days, and celebrate each and every one of them even when we were still apart. The first Valentine I spend with him, I saved up some money to make him a bouquet of tulip, his favorite flower, and some chocolate too. I took a bus to go to his work, my first 'big' bus trip in that area, and with the help of his friend, arrange a surprise for him. It was sweet, it was romantic, it was magnificent. Of course, us being us, I remember a boot went flying in the next few days or so. So much for romance.

Come what may, I never regret the love I have for him. It was beautiful, absolutely beautiful: all the little butterflies in my tummy whenever I saw him smile, all the warmth and fuzziness I feel when I am near him (no, he was not a bear), all the 'Please God, make it last forever', all that and so much more. It's like being high, nothing can go wrong, ever. Of course, as with most thing in life, it went awry in the end. When the high was gone, we realize we don't like each other much. So here I am, looking at old memories of how much he love me and wondering to myself: dafuq went wrong?

The answer is: nothing went wrong. When you already give all you've got and put your partner's happiness before you, there's nothing else you can do. There are no 'Ifs' that can change the past. The 'Ifs' can change your future though, there's nothing more valuable than a lesson learned. This post is not for me, this post is for all of you who are still trapped in the past. Let it go. The book is done, now close it gently and put it on the shelf where it belongs. And this is really hard to do, as nostalgia is a dirty liar that insists things were better than they seemed. Like I said, I got all sentimental about the flowers, but not as much when I remember the boot. (I threw it at him, by the way, and it was justifiable. Trust me.)

If on this glorious day where people bought overpriced flowers and chocolate and dinners in hope for a just-so-so sex (yes, Valentine) you found yourself still griping with the memory of your ex, let it go. Being single on Valentine's day doesn't mean you are not loved or not worthy. Losing a partner (a.k.a. being single) doesn't mean you are a failure. It may just mean you need to love yourself more. It may just mean you both are not the right fit, and there is nothing wrong with that. Cheer up, buttercup, life has so much more to offer. Happy Valentine's Day for all you singles out there. Now let's go out and shake the world up!

Wednesday, February 8, 2017

LAX Dec 2016

The plane descended gradually from midair. It seemed gradually and so graceful, but I knew the speed was immense and the air resistance was outstanding. I wanted to give kudos to the pilot and co-pilots who can master the iron beast to get us down safely. That is, if I could stop being mesmerized for a minute or two.

The windows were all open for the descent, and the black night was among us. As we descend further the white wisp of clouds began to disappear and changed into the vista of the land below. The uncharted and inhabitable territory was pitch dark, while the more populated ones were graced with pretty colors like a sea of stars.

As we descend even further I can make out a clearer image, with roads and their lamps lining up like the veins of the city. Veins of the city. The thought took me aback. The roads lead to the cluster of buildings, the tall ones that seemed to beat independently, the source of all life. The heart of the city. I started to see things more clearly now.

In my mind, the city came to life. The pulsing veins, the beating hearts, the little cluster of body here and there. I could see a giant emerge from my mind, looking for me, waiting for me. How many times have I driven down that road? How many times have I walked through the buildings? How long have I been with The City? 2 years, 3 years? And all of these times he was alive.

The view became more detailed as I hear the final landing announcement. Cars can be seen, houses and freeways too. But the image in my mind was still too vivid. He's alive. He beckoned me silently, welcomed me back to his embrace. I blink silently and touched the window to compress my feeling as my heart answered his call. He is The City, and I am his willing daughter.

Tuesday, February 7, 2017

Let's Get Drunk With Love

Let's get drunk with love
Let's let loose in love
Intoxicating, psychedelic,
Out-of-this-world love

Each kiss is a tender tease
Each sweeter than the rest
Maddening, addicting,
Once-in-a-lifetime kisses

Each embrace is a sensual tantalize
Each brings us closer than before
Heartening, disarming,
Melt-in-your-arms embraces

Each word is a sincere promise
Each truer than the others
Assuring, exhilarating
Words-of-forever whispers

And who cares if it doesn't last forever
Who cares if it's just a dream
Who cares if you are merely fantasy
And I am your flight of fancy

Come dance with me tonight
Under the moonlight
Under the chandelier
Among candles of our devotion

Come stroll with me today
Through the city's jungle
Through the village path
Down in sandy beaches and grassy hills

Come laugh with me for now
Stolen kisses and fancy giggles
Tender glances and pretty lies
Fingers entwined, hearts fulfilled

Tomorrow we'll be over
Tomorrow we'll be strangers
Tomorrow we'll be alone
Tomorrow we'll be gone

But today is not tomorrow
And here I am with a smile
Here I am with a promise
Here I am, for you

Let me be yours for the day
Let you be mine for the day
And when the clock strikes 12
We shall be ourselves once again

But now let's dance and laugh
Let's kiss and embrace
Let's be hopelessly lost in each other
Let's found ourselves in each other

Let's get drunk with this love
The purest one you'll ever get
Let's get high with this love
The loveliest one you'll ever have

Let's be in love
Let's be in love
Let's be in love
Let's be in love

Monday, February 6, 2017

Hello World

Hello world, I see you've been crying. Your tears are all over my jeans and seeped in my socks, and had it not for the parka I wore I would've been drenched all over. I know you are sad, I do too. Let's cry together, you and me.

It has been like one bad news after another, is it not? One ignorance after the other. Several thousand years of civilization and we human still behaving unruly, so far from what we should have been. I understand your frustration. You've been here way longer than any of us, you've pretty much seen it all.

I can try to soothe you with pretty words, of how beautiful and amazing you are. I can go at length to talk about the goodness of your people. But sometimes we don't need pretty words. Sometimes we just need to let ourselves go, to be angry and sad and frustrated. It's ok, love, it's ok.

The air I breathe is filled with fear and insecurities, with doubts and greed. I know we both wonder, as you pretty much designed it to be filled with oxygen and peace. Instead of sweet lovers' quarrels, you got vindictive arguments dripped with malice. Instead of the children's laughter, you have to hear them crying for their life. It's hard, I know.

Do you ever wonder like I do? Whether this too shall pass or will it be just a repeated performance in other parts of the world? I've been brave and strong, but recently it feels like cutting down the tree with a swiss knife, that I barely make a dent in the situation. Do you feel the same thing?

I know neither of us can back away. Me because I choose to, you because, well, you're the world. We have no option to just called it a day, or better, toss everything in the air and said "F this sh*t". And because we believe in the future. We believe in the human. At least I do.

You see world, Michael Crichton wrote the most perfect thing ever: "Let's be clear. The planet is not in jeopardy. We are in jeopardy. We haven't got the power to destroy the planet - or to save it. But we might have the power to save ourselves." Isn't that beautiful? Even if we human manage to kill ourselves to extinction, other living beings will still be alive and thrive. You are not in danger, we human are.

And what do we do instead? Making more wars, feeding our greed, embolden our ego. No wonder you weep in despair. I do too. The difference is I weep in frustration and discomfort, you weep for what we could've been: the true master of the universe, the ones who can make you, the world, such a better place to live. Nope. We choose to be nasty and ignorant.

I've seen you watching us, world. I've seen you pray many a times for us to find peace in ourselves. What set us aside from animals is our ability to bounce back from any kind of situation A.K.A our resilience. Danger does not tame us, it strengthen us instead and in record time too. No other creatures on earth can claim that. What we could achieve had we put our mind into it. Heaven on earth won't even be that far-fetched.

But here we are, still very far from that goal. Our cups are still somewhat full with ourselves, when we should've drained it and make it empty. We tried to help you through many clumsy ways that we ended up hurting others, and thus, hurting you even more. You cried in frustration, you cried for your children, us the human. It's ok world, it's ok.

We shouldn't hate. We shouldn't greed. We shouldn't hurt. We should've been better. Yet we're not. Not yet. You can cry as much as you want, world. You deserve it. We haven't been good to you, and we did not live up to your expectation much. You get the pass to cry. 

And when you are done crying, you can cry some more. You can rest your head on my shoulder or ask for a big hug. I might be infinitesimal compared to you, but what I have is yours. I feel your sadness, your frustration, your pain. No world, you are not alone. You have me. You have us. And we love you So. Damn. Much.

We love you, world. Let us hang with you a bit more, 'kay? And thank you, for everything.

Thursday, February 2, 2017

Red Hot Anger

2 nights ago I snapped. Well, it is a finer way to describe temporary insanity. I wish it was just a simple annoyance or brief anger, but it wasn't. It was a full-blown storm that wreak havoc. If I was the big bad wolf, I didn't just huff and puff the houses away. That night I was ready and willing to torch the straw house and watch it aflame, break each stick into little pieces and burn the pitiful next house down, and tossed a package of C4 or dynamites to the last house. Oh, and have a slice of each pigs: happily sinking my teeth into the soft, juicy slices with the crispy charred skin and the fat juice dripping on my lips. Yes, I was that angry.

As with any madness and various condition of drunk or high, the next morning I woke up with remorse. Words I said during my anger were hideous, and the hurt and the pain I inflicted might just be irreversible. I was so embarrassed with my behavior that I can't bring myself to talk to the person I hurt during my anger. The reason might be justified, but the way I feed on my anger, or to be exact, the way I let myself being eaten by anger was not ok. That night I lust for blood, and I got some. For what, though? To satiate my pain? Since you hurt me so I'll hurt you back? In the end, all I got was blood in my hand, and a look of pain from my 'opponent'. It's not worth it.

Oftentimes we think of ourselves as good people, that we won't hurt other people. We like to think that we have such strong grip of ourselves and we won't do such thing as blind anger. Such folly. Anger is the horrible mercenary with the mean face and a sadistic smile that waited on your front door. One opening, an inch or two of your opened door and he'll be inside, bludgeoning anyone, everyone near him. We will drag him out, yet still he stays there, waiting for another chance to happen. And he will never go away.  You can bar the door, bolt it, double lock it, and even install a bullet-proof metal door; yet he'll still be there for you. And the next opening, which you will eventually have because one cannot lock him/herself in the house forever, boom.

What I wish I had done that night was inviting him for tea, instead of letting him nicely butcher other people's feeling. I wish I had sat and listened to him, understand why he wanted to come in that night. And once he, we realize there is no point of him being there, we'll hug it out, have a bit of laugh together before I showed him the front door, and then give him another big hug before he left. It is easier to see now after the bloodlust is gone, especially since that night I believe he is oh so justified to wreak havoc. The million-dollar question was never about whether we can or cannot, it was always whether we should or should not. Most often than not, the answer is should not, or at the very least to do it in a more refined way.

You see, anger is not always without merit. I could think of many times where my anger allowed me to do things I need to do. I could think of many occasions where my anger became my strength and carry me through conditions where I probably won't make it alone. As a result, there are people who refuse to talk to me, even after more than a decade. Which I find both amusing and hilarious, by the way, as their silence really is a cheap price to pay compared to the job well done. Harnessed correctly, that temporary insanity can make people reluctant to mess with you, and can very well be more coercive than mere words. Anger, like other emotion in us, needs to be understood and treated with respect.

Even so, he is a mercenary through and through; his loyalty belongs only to himself. That is how I found myself hurting the person I cared deeply. A thousand apologies hover on my tongue, and a million more in my brain; but it won't undo the things I said in anger, just like the wolf can't un-roast the pigs. The person was graceful enough to understand what I went through, but I am not as forgiving to myself. Today's writing is my atonement. I need to remember to control and understand my anger, instead of letting him run havoc and destroying my life. It won't be easy, but it needs to be done.

Controlling anger is more difficult than it sounds, because anger is intoxicating. You are filled with white hot rage, and for the brief moment, you are invincible, that only you and your feeling matters. Anger blinded you and made you only see yourself, as well as (death and) destruction to others who has awoken your anger. It could be as grievous and serious as a lover caught cheating or other lies, but it can also be as mundane as a comment or article in the news or social media posts that made you scream injustice. Although it is crucial to soothe the anger, it may not be as easy to actually realize we are in Anger. And if we did not know we are angry, how can we stop it? 

The sure-fire way is the eternal question: How does this affect others and why does this affect me? Incoherent answer is a pretty good sign we are already blinded by our anger, as well as many variations of "Does it even eff- matter??". The so-called information era (a.k.a advancement of Internet) unmask the anger in people. Open any social media these days and you will find at least one angry post/comment. Some are well reasoned, some are bred from fear. Fear creates anger, uncertainty creates fear, distrust creates uncertainty, ignorance creates distrust. Is it really a wonder that the air we breathe these days (or at the very least our social media app) seemed to be swarming with red hot anger that choke and drown us?

The answer to the changes that happen these days is not to ignore it. Ignoring things are never the answer. The answer is to act what you think best, cool-headedly, and keep the calm in you. Let your anger become your strength, your motivation to move on, yet at the same time maintain your coolness and think ahead before you act. Anger could easily take over if you are not careful, and you will end up with only destruction and remorse. The world need more peace and calm, it has seen enough of sorrow and pain. Don't let our anger lit the world on fire. Not anymore.

The memory of that night fades away a little too easy for my comfort. I had wanted it to stay long, that way I will have a reminder to not act so destructively and so humiliatingly like that; however, my brain decided to move on accordingly. Yet even from the bits and pieces I still shuddered in horror. I don't want to be in that state of anger anymore: so ugly and horrible and debilitating. I don't want to hurt. I don't want to lose myself like that. And no, I don't want people to feel the way I feel that night, and definitely not the morning after. Be it in relationships, work, or even social media, recognize that flash of rage and control it before it controls you. Things will not always work in your favor or how you like it, and thus an opening will be created. Close it tightly, and if Anger is already in, sit and talk it through. There are enough wars and unhappiness in this world, let's not let ourselves be in a state of perpetual war as well. Be at peace, my dearest. Be at peace.

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