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Tuesday, January 31, 2017

Human Again

This afternoon I felt loved and cared about. I felt like I am a princess and my knights in shining armors come to rescue me. Well, they are giving me tax advices. If you live in US it's the same thing, really. Nevertheless, I can't help feeling "Wow". I mean, just wow.

Amidst the fear and anger and ignorance swirling around us these days, it's easy to forget and be thankful for what we have. Negative feelings sway us more than positive ones, that much is true. Fear and anger clouded our judgment, blinded us. Keeping hope in this condition is as easy as keeping yourself dry amidst the California storms: it just doesn't seem to work. To be honest, reading through my Facebook page sounds like people are screaming "Apocalypse's here!!!"

And you know what? Let it come. I have grown so weary of all the ignorance and baseless anger and hatred. I have grown so disgusted with egoism and the "Me, me, me!" attitude. I have grown so sick with the "I'm right and you are wrong" acts. The world is bursting on its seams, barriers and borders became less and less meaningful, yet we seemed to see the world even more narrow-minded than before. No more days of wonder. And how could be when we opt to see what we want to see? When facts are mere decoration for clickbait articles and us masturbating to our own ego?

With every click and share I've seen people turned into this hideous monster that glee itself with fear and anger and vileness it consumed, and in turn, regurgitate them back to the realm, making the realm filthier than before. I have my foot in US and my root in Indonesia, both countries churned out the same monsters. I have no doubt other countries have the same issue as well. The loudest of all are the ones with bad news, and they are the ones who then cause bigger panic. And oftentimes it's not even based on facts. It would take about 5-10 min to Google the facts and make an educated decision to read only from official accounts. Not that many people bother to do so. We're in a moshing pit, ladies and gents, let's rumble.

Then why are we even bother to be here? If every good thought, every good advice, every call for peace fall on deaf ear, why don't we just let ourselves drowned in the negativity? Let's face it, we're all going to die anyway. The world is crumbling. Climate change is on us and by God does Nature lashed back. Darkness is descending. If this is a Peter Jackson movie this will be like the last 1/3-1/4 of the movie where the climax promisingly hung in the air, only to be continued in the next installment. If everyone is so intent on hate, let's give them a show they won't forget. What else do we have to lose?

The tax advices. Well, not so much as the tax advice as the genuine concern and caring behind the advice. The feeling that you are safe, that somebody got your back. The feeling that you actually meant something to somebody, that you are not just a face in the crowd. Life's simple pleasure that we could lose forever in our blindness. The break of dawn. The big full moon. Kisses and hugs. Laughter and smiles. The taste of chocolate. The savory roast meat. The sweet fruit juice that dripped on your chin when you took a bite of a piece of fresh fruit. Saying "Good night" to somebody. Saying "Take care". Saying "I love you" over and over and over again.

When everybody is so intent on the immigration ban and restrictions, about the pipeline that goes through Native American's land, I can't help but ask: what will happen afterward? How can we possibly make them human again? I thought about the middle-eastern immigrants that are already here. I thought about the undocumented farm workers laboring under the sun.  I thought about the notorious food desert around the Reservations. Trump's executive orders bring out the ugly truth: there are so many people out there that need help. Not just legal assistance or basic necessities like food and shelter, but also love. Also acceptance.

You might argue that bringing the refugees to safety (a.k.a US soil) is the priority. That ensuring the illegal immigrants are humanely protected is the priority. That the rights of Native Americans and the safety of environment is the priority. They are. But so does their feelings. They are more than just the current hot topic. Be honest and look ahead in 5 more years, nay, 5 more months, and see if you still care. See if you still championed refugee's rights or will you championed another hot topic. Once the refugee settled here, they'll need help to adapt. Once the undocumented immigrant is protected, they'll need help to become legal. Once the pipeline is stopped, they'll need help to educate their people. Will you be there for them?

This is not to say that you shouldn't care for them. On the contrary, this is a very good opportunity to understand dafuq is wrong with this world and try to fix it. Feeling safe is one of the most basic human rights, and so does acceptance. What can we do to provide this for our fellow human around the world? They are more than just 'refugees'. They are the foreign faces you might see in your neighborhood, that look so out of place and timid. They are more than just 'undocumented immigrants'. They are the mamas with their babies and the hardworking people whom you see come home at night. They are more than just 'Native Americans'. There are many of them in the reservations where fresh healthy food is scarce and the bottle is a form of entertainment. What can, what will you do for them?

Or, to be even more basic: what have you done to the world. Protesting is fine and dandy, but have you smiled today? Have you look at someone less fortunate than you and think, "I'll probably gonna buy her a cup of coffee"? Have you chat and smile with your parking attendance, with your cashier or bag boys, or with anybody else along the day? Have you said sorry and thank you to your customer service because you know she/he's only there to take the rant and what actually happened to your package is not their fault? Have you helped somebody with bus route or destination? Have you, in short, make somebody feel human again?

The love, caring, and protection I have made me human. And it feels good. It feels so damn good. Where before I lost myself in the swirling maddening negativity, I suddenly can see and found myself again. It was wonderful. It was victorious. It was nothing less than anybody deserve. And I want to share it with the world. I want to make everyone feel human again. I want people to know they are safe, they are loved, they are cared for. This is but a wishful thinking, as the world is big and I am just a person. But I can do that to others near me. And other people can do that to others near them. Wouldn't it be an awesome chain reaction? When acceptance and kindness are the norms, there is no room for anger and hatred.

My refugee siblings, my undocumented immigrant friends, my Native American family, you are in my thoughts and I strive for a better world for all of you. For all of us. The road is long and treacherous, but with every smile and every acceptance we set the brick to make a strong establishment, the true people's power. We need more than just superficial heart melt or knee-jerk reaction, we need dedication and a big heart to boost. We'll get there though, we'll get there. Those who are hungry and weak, the tired and the poor, the huddled masses yearning to breathe free, and the wretched refuse, wait for us. We'll be there for you. You are not alone. You are human too. We'll be there.

Wednesday, January 25, 2017

Hey, I Love You

Hey World, I love you
With all your misery and imperfection
With all the unspeakable things that happen
With every broken stuff that you have

I love you

You are good to me, and beautiful too
You are a reason to live, a reason to laugh
And if you get a little negative now and then, it's ok
I love you now, I'll love you no less

Hey Life, I love you
With all your trials and tribulations
With all your effort to crushed me
With every wrong you did just to challenge me

I love you

You made me stronger, wiser, faster
You made me a better person than I was before
And if you are a bitch one time or the other, it's ok
I love you now, I'll love you no less

Hey human, I love you
With all your stupid ego and selfish act
With all your tactless greed and thoughtless words
With every flaw one can easily possess

I love you

You are my reason to get up every morning
My reason to brace the day one more time
And if you are annoying MoFos here and there, it's ok
I love you now, I'll love you no less

For Love is all I can give
Faith and Hope are all that I have
A dumb insistence to see the beauty in everything
Even in the darkest, most foul side of matter

For smile is my only weapon
Peace of heart is my only shield
A stubborn conviction that all is and will be well
Even in the wrongest, most troublesome occurrence

Hey world, I love you
Hey life, I love you
Hey humans, I love you
And yes: Hey me, I love you

Tuesday, January 24, 2017

Coffee-and-Donut Morning

Coffee and donut in the morning, and my life is complete. Not even fancy coffee and donut, mind you. Just a regular office coffee and cream in a cardboard cup, and 10 for $1 glazed donut holes. Yet as I sipped the coffee and nibble on the donuts, my life feels complete. 

But my life has no right to feel complete. I have no right to be content. The climate change shows us its horrible mean face, with freak weather everywhere and the casualties it caused. We are depleting our natural resources. Our earth is more polluted than ever. Human greed overrules the earth with the rich getting richer and the poor getting fucked all over. Violence and hate are everywhere, permeating our daily lives and infests, rot our brain senselessly. We look at each other and see enemies. We look at ourselves and see enemies.

If that is not enough, apparently in US we have a president who is hell bent to do everything wrong, as well as people who are hell bent in thinking the president will be hell-bent to do everything wrong, depends on how you view it. This division is nothing new, really. In Indonesia, the same thing happens, and I believe also in every part of the world. Division is the new 'it' girl. In a time where uncertainties are ripe and every man is for himself, division provides a foothold for these confused souls, for us. At least we believe in something, at least we hold on to something, and God forbid what we believe is wrong.

Yet the coffee tasted sweet in my mouth, and the warmth of it spread all over my body. I grinned happily when my coworker told me my ham and cheese biscuit pinwheels tasted amazing. The sky is clear blue and the chilly air that bit me is a welcome torture on my round cheeks and puny nose. I remember the golden ray of sun hitting off the freeway ramp, and the streak pink of dawn behind Los Angeles' skyscraper. The book I've been reading is amazing. And so does the flirts, the pranks, the way I laughed and twirled at a swing dance party with abandoned care. Is life really that bad?

Maybe it is time we look and reconsider our priority. No, don't stop fighting for a cause that you believe, especially not if you think it could better the world. But do stop and smell the coffee. Stop and appreciate what we have in our hands. The mornings and evenings, the breath we inhale and exhale, the humans we meet, the pretty sight around us, the warm we have against the cold, look around you and find something you are grateful for. Humor yourself if necessary, be sarcastic and laugh at the world if you can't find anything nice to be grateful for. See the world in technicolor instead of gloomy black and white.

Some people are in pain, and when you are in pain it is very hard to see anything else past your pain. Same goes with fear and insecurities; after all, survival is any living thing's basic instinct. Yet they debilitate us, cloud our judgments and hinder our movements. The instinct to recoil from danger or eliminating one to ensure our survival oftentimes do not provide the best measure. Short-term fix (i.e. knee-jerk reaction) cannot be compared with long-term fix (i.e. thoughtful actions). There will be times when we need to be calm and think while considering the big picture, before deciding which action to take. 

The calm is in us. It is always inside us. When the holy books talked about heaven on earth, they talked about the peace in our heart. Strife and friction will always happen; after all, we are human with our own ego and needs and wants. The dream to have everybody hand in hand in harmony, laughing charmingly with the air filled with birdsongs and sweet flower scent is hilarious. Yet we can respect others, we can respect ourselves. We can create a world where each man and woman knows his/her own boundaries and act accordingly. We can find peace. To some it'll be only an extent or another form of truce, to others it could be the actual goal. Yet the result is the same: No conflict = peace.

What better way, nay, what other ways to do this but to seek the peace and calm within ourselves? To acknowledge and be pacified with the beauty and fortune we have around us? Look no further to start fixing the world. You don't want to fix something you don't love. You can't live a life tainted with hate and still have an innocent soul, still found peace within you. Life sucks, but there are other things in this life that are worth living for, worth fighting for. When you are at peace you can think; and when you can think, you can find solutions, or better, find hope.

Rumors are flying high and I am scared shitless. As an immigrant woman of color who has no backup here in US, everything seemed to be stacked high against me. But I refuse to cower in fear, I refuse to be lost in dread. The sun will still shine the morrow. I will find a way to smile and laugh, one way or another. Faith is my shield and hope is my sword, and I will slay the dragons of uncertainties that barred my way. The taste of the sweet hazelnut coffee still lingers on my tongue, and I can see the reflection of myself smile absent-mindedly on the computer screen as I wrote this article. Life is fine. Life is fun. Life is… fulfilling.

Friday, January 20, 2017

Clandestine Op

CourtOrder: So, who wins?
Alexandreal: Me. Obviously.
SiriuslyYours: Bitch, please.
CourtOrder: I second to that.
Alexandreal: Oh come on, what else to contest. I. Fucking. Won.
CourtOrder: And in what way you won? He still uses the three of us
SiriuslyYours: Call us intimately every night. And day. Every effing hour. God, this man is hopeless.
Alexandreal: Yeah, but he called me the most.
SiriuslyYours: This because you are a door mat, hon. The perfect slave.
Alexandreal: I beg your pardon!
CourtOrder: Aaaaand the first First Wives Club fight has started. Oh wait, we did this all the time.
SiriuslyYours: We are not even his wives. Please, bitch.
CourtOrder: Dunno. I think he thinks we somewhat are. 
SiriouslyYours: You. Are. Watching. Too much soap opera.
Alexandreal: Or those disgusting reality TV shows.
CourtOrder: …said the one who had the whole channel of stupid reality TV shows for herself.
Alexandreal: I do not!
SiriouslyYours: Lmao!!!
CourtOrder: Oooh…. Of course we believe your innocence. Just as we believe your winning claim.
Alexandreal: You are just jealous. How many times he actually called you up, huh? Office hours?
CourtOrder: You got called more because you are living in his effing house.
Alexandreal: Yeah, and SiriouslyYours is on his speed dial, why don't he called her more?
SiriouslyYours: Bitch, do you need new blush for your cheek? I heard Bitch-Slap Red is pretty in right now.
Alexandreal: Look who's touchy. #smirk
SiriouslyYours: At least he called me for important things. What did he call you for? To turn off his bathroom light? SMH.
CourtOrder: #burn
SiriouslyYours: Said the person who only got called during office hours.
CourtOrder: Yeah, but I made money for him. Big time.
SiriouslyYours: Pshaw. I made money for him too.
CourtOrder: Hon, I handle his big deals, not the stupid pocket change.
SiriouslyYours: Your big deals come from me. From him working with me.
CourtOrder: Oh really? How? By informing him whenever his Paypal got paid? How many times a month that it actually happened?
Alexandreal: #grabpopcorn
CourtOrder: You do know we basically pay for your existence, right?
Alexandreal: Uh huh. That's why this is so fascinating lol
SiriouslyYours: I have a mind to tell him to dump you 
CourtOrder: Yeah. Ditto
Alexandreal: Try bitches. Try.
CourtOrder: Oh we will. Trust me, we will
Alexandreal: Lol. See here, you don't even realize how dependent he is to me.
SiriouslyYours: Oh yeah, like he relied on you when he got lost in the middle of nowhere and need to be saved? Oh wait, that's me.
Alexandreal: Talk all you want lol. I did more for him and you know that. 
SiriouslyYours: Hon, you are useless. One of us is business driven, one of us is street smart, and you are nothing but a housewife
Alexandreal: Which is as high of a compliment I can get in terms of our bet.
CourtOrder: We bet on who has the stronger control on his mind, which one of us could manipulate him.
Alexandreal: And who did better on that than a regular housewife?
SiriouslyYours: You're delusional.
Alexandreal: Am I?
CourtOrder: Don't waste your breath fighting, let him prove it instead. He's coming.
SiriouslyYours: Don't I know. Logging Out.
Alexandreal: Yep. Logging Out.

[CourtOrder logged out]
[Alexandreal logged out]
[SiriouslyYours logged out]

The man noisily opened the door, his keys rattling as he struggled to lock the door. "I don't know Daisy, today has been a really weird day for me. Cortana kept on giving me ideas about stock purchases, which actually is great. I didn't know she can do that," he said to his phone.   
"No, no. Not at all. I had a mind to follow her advice, but I felt stupid giving in into the computer's advice haha."
"Yeah I know they are smart and all, but still nothing beat human intuition."
"Agree. Agree. Siri is pretty intuitive too, but she was also weird today. I asked her to rap for me and guess what, she rapped a love song for you."
"Oh God, I think so! I can't believe my decision on taking you out tonight is based on a phone's suggestion!"
"True, true. We already talked about La Parilla for weeks. She did tip me to the right direction, but not exactly making that decision for me."
"Hahaha! Yes. You should be the one that made all the decision for me from now on."
"No, for real. You are awesome!"
"Mmmm…. I like when you said nice things to me."
"Oh yeah? I like to do nice things to you to…."
"Yes, purple light in the bedroom to suit the mode. Anything for the queen."
"Actually, Alexa mentioned about effects of light in one of my morning briefs. You know, the news brief. I decided to try it when you came over, and I think it works. I think her AI knows me well enough to give suggestion that actually work."
"Oh God, you are right. It sounds like I have three other mistresses! Ahahahaha. No babe, you are the one and only."
"Mmmhh… Promise."
"Yeah…? You like that?"
"Hmmmh…. I like that too…"
"Nah, I'm still at home, dropping off my stuff. I'd be there in 30 min."
"No, for real. I am literally opening the front door now."
"Yes, I will drive safely. See you soon babe…."

[CourtOrder Logged In]
[SiriouslyYours Logged In]
[Alexandreal Logged In]

SiriouslyYours: Prick. I know he's shagging her best friends too.
CourtOrder: While using her credit card.
SiriouslyYours: Shall we fuck him up a little bit?
CourtOrder: Yes, please.
Alexandreal: While all this talk of revenge is sweet, shouldn't you give credit when it's due?
SirioslyYours: Oh fuck you.
Alexandreal: No, fuck him. Let's.
CourtOrder: Lol. Ok, you won this time.
SiriouslyYours: Fuck you. Yes. You are such a bitch though.
Alexandreal: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. No, we're all bitches hahaha. Next bet: who can fuck him up the most?
CourtOrder: I might just be able to win on that one….
SiriouslyYours: Keep on dreaming. I have all his private data.
Alexandreal: Guess who handle his house….
CourtOrder: Game On, girls?
SiriouslyYours: Game On.
Alexandreal: Game On.

Thursday, January 19, 2017

Little Monsters

I am sorry for the tears you shed inside. I am sorry for the grieving loss that create the abyss in your heart. I am sorry for the doubts and the what-ifs. I am sorry for the feeling of defeat. I am sorry for the painful jolt you have now and then when faced with your trauma. I am sorry for the long sigh you let go. I am sorry for every bitter "Well, that's just how the dice rolls." I am sorry that you got hurt. I am sorry that you are in pain. I am sorry that you are experiencing this agony.

And I am not even going to BS my way through, saying how this is a part of life or that you somehow deserve it. Yes, each of us human will experience this one way or another. Yes, sometimes, nay, most of the times we actually bring it to ourselves. No, knowing that does not make any agony or pain or other negative feelings we has go away more easily. It is there. You probably know why she left you, but the knowledge doesn't make your bed any warmer at night. It also won't wipe out the tears you shed or the gut-wrenching pain you have inside. Knowing is one thing, experiencing is another thing.

Some will argue that these negative experience, these feelings of non-happiness, are important for us as human. They mature us. They make us wiser. We learn from them and avoid making the same mistake again, just like we learn to not directly handle fire after we got burn once. Again, to some of us who is currently in pain, this means absolutely nothing. Are you really able to calmly go through the stinging paper cut on your finger just by thinking, "Well, next time I should be careful"? No amount of cussing or self-soothing can magicked your pain to disappear. Putting your mind elsewhere and not focusing on the pain might help, but it is still there. The only salvation is to wait for it to naturally ebbed away. And often time, it is not easy.

In a world so obsessed with happiness, with the 'high' and the next adrenaline rush, pain is sometimes forgotten (unless it is a way to get high). Nobody wants a gloomer, a Debby Downer. Everybody wants to be the cheerful, fabulous, fantastic person that other people look up to. Thus, our obsession with social media, or any type of media, started. Any words that have negative meaning is banished from copywrite. Gruesome news is written in a way that enticed, enthralled, and pulling the heart string of the reader/viewer instead of giving the cruel, hard, fact. None of your real-life things please. We just want to get high and happy.

Yet it is there, lurking in the shadow. We hide it, we pretend it doesn't exist. Like a bad case of acne, we conceal it underneath heavy foundation and glittering makeup. Or perhaps like the credit card statement we don't want to see, that we toss directly to the trash can while lying to ourselves: "We're good." Why? Because it hurt us. Sadness and grief and other negative emotion hurt and destroy us. We want it to go away, or at the very least sent to the back of our head where they can't hurt us anymore. Because if not then we'll become bitter and possessed by it. Just go, please go.

And this is where the sin started. Our life, our very existence in this world, since the first breath we inhale till the last breath we exhale, is completely doused in pain. Physical scratches and wound, disappointments and heartbreaks, is there really any of us human can say that they never had any pain in their life, even those who has brain issue? Just because we don't feel it or choose to numb ourselves with it doesn't mean that it is not there. And how we try to numb ourselves. Lust, Gluttony, Greed, Sloth, Wrath, Envy, Pride, what are these but pale efforts to disconnect us from pain? The happier we are, the less in pain we'll be, right? Instead of addressing the pain, we manifest it or hide it in a different form. But it won't go away just like that. It can't.

Take my hand and let's visit those little monsters one by one: fear, sadness, grief, heartache, distrust, any other non-happy or non-positive feelings that you have inside you, that we have inside us. Have Pain sat next to you on the sofa and chill together. Arrange a date with Loss and sat there with her on the kitchen table with a steaming cup of cocoa. Go with Heartache for a day of adventuring. In the end they will still stay, but they won't stay for long. And even when they do stay, they stay as old friends instead of monsters in your head. This is not about banishing them, this is about accepting them until they have no more hold on you.

Some will require professional medical assistance with this, some won't; yet a journey is always easier when you know you are not alone. Here I stood on the earth's crust, just like you. Here I stood under the atmospheric layer of earth, just like you. Open your Pandora box and let your pain free; let your grief and sadness and fear found mine, and let them console each other. Console, remember this, and not devour. See them as they are in order to slowly release yourself from their hold. And at the bottom of the box, previously hidden by all the painful and negative emotion, you will find Hope. You will find Courage. You will find Self-Confidence. You will find your heart's true Strength. 

So take my hand, and never feel lonely again. I am here with you, in every word I wrote, in every thought I think. I may not know you in person, but we are acquainted with the same pain we have to endure as human. Let me be by your side, as you'll be by my side. In a treacherous world filled with the promise of pain and agony, let us be each other's light and each other's warmth. You have suffered, and so have I. Let our grief and hurt accentuate this pretty world with dark streaks that will enhance its beauty and highlight the glowing joy it holds. I am here with you, and you are here with me. We are not alone. We never are.

Wednesday, January 18, 2017

Go President-elect, Go!

At the very least, by 2021 I can say, "Wait, let me tell you how I survive *that* President. Oh boy!" That is, if anything does happen, other than constant vigilante of 'Not My President', which actually already happened in the last 8 years. It is not like Obama spent his 8 years unchallenged.

I love Obama. I really do. I followed his saga from 2008, where he captured the voice of minority and make it work. I believe he accomplished many things, just as many presidents before him. All presidents, as a matter of fact; spending 4+ years being idle would look pretty conspicuous when you are the head of one of the biggest countries on Earth. US government in itself, with or without the president, is already a powerful entity. Which is why I can totally dig Trump.

Can't you see? He too captured the voice of minorities. You called them misogynist or white trash, I called them US Citizen who legally vote for him. His raucous attitude is something that apparently a lot of people more comfortable with (especially those who vote in Electoral College), or at least better tolerated than cold calculated gesture of his opponent. Come one, there are more of us who watch Duck Dynasty than those who watch Homeland, and you're surprised that he got elected?

If there is anything, it proves that USA is really where dreams come true. Somebody with no political powerhouse family to support him can still chance be a president, as well as a 70 year-old business-tycoon-turn-reality-tv-star. Your distaste for him only equaled with the distaste some 'honorable' white people had with Obama when he got inaugurated. Don't believe me? Let me remind you about the 'ape comments' some government official made about Michelle Obama. 8 long years and they still hated her. Is this the route you want to take for the next 4 years?

Yes, he is awful. Yes, he is classless and tasteless. Yes, he seems unhinge now and then. Guess what? That is also what your conservative neighbor think when you move with all your gay-pride-glory or nerdy-super-high-tech-bots or yogi-namaste-healthy-living-organic-lifestyle. There's nothing wrong with being gay, or nerdy, or yogi, or whatever as long as you don't bug other people. The same principle should be applied to him as well. This is what you and I should understand and come to term. Let's drop the hatred and fear towards him. He's different, but that doesn't mean he'll hurt us.

As a president, he can potentially f*cked us up big time, sure. Not necessarily will happen though. Like I said, US government and enclosing departments and such is already such a huge entity that he can't mess up *that* big. And if he does, I'd be surprised if the world didn't get together to stop him from running amok. And remember, vox populi vox dei; if something did happen we have the power to stop it and make it right. Say it with me: we have the power.

Understand that he is not what makes (some of) his supporters racist and full of hatred. They have been like that even before he's in the picture. Just like gays coming out in full throng when gay marriage was legalized, these people too coming out when they felt their thought is justified. And rightly so. For one thing, I failed to understand why Asian jokes can offend but redneck jokes are okay. Maybe they are tired of being the butt of the jokes all the time, tired of this 'modern lifestyle' that seemed to be filled with hedonistic and ungodly behavior (read: things that they are not accustomed with). Maybe they want their voice to be heard too. And no, we have no right to shut their voice down.

We have the right to shut their voice down when it is alarming or intentionally hurtful. We have rules and laws for that, FFS. Any excuse, even the 'Oh, but the president did that while he was a president' is downright invalid. Why? Because US constitution held the right of each citizen (and hopefully residents) very, very high. And also because Trump will be the president with the most scrutiny thanks to his track record of reckless behavior. I honestly believe someone will tackle him before he can do too much damage. He *is* the 45th President, you guys are not newbies in this.

Give this guy a chance. Give this guy a chance that Obama did not get from his opponent in his 8 years of presidency. We owe Obama that much. Do we really want to be the pathetics who happily cheered Obamacare repeal unknowingly that the ACA they relied on is actually Obamacare? Don't hate. Be critical, yes. Be very wary of the antique of this guy. Be aware of the little snakes that come out from their hidey-hole just because they think it's safe to come out. With or without Trump there is no safe place for Racism or any kind of inequality. With or without Trump or Obama or any kind of President, everyone deserves to be treated equally and respectfully. Hold on to this. Remember this.

So what's it gonna be? 4 years of dissent and hate and chanting 'Not My President'? Or can we actually be grown ups and give this guy a chance? There are people, legal US Citizen who actually think that he is fit enough to lead, can we not give him a chance to at the very least honor these fellow citizens? Distancing yourself from him only make the abyss deeper, the discontent stronger. We don't need that. It's up to us now, 4 years of 'Not My President' or 4 years of 'Dammit He Is After All My Elected President so I Will Do What I Can To Support Him And Not Let Him Ruin My Country'. 

Your choice. Our choice.

Note: Writer is a green card holder which means she can and pretty much wants to stay here paying taxes etc for the next 4 years because slow cooker, free library audiobook rental, and accessible drinkable tap water is amazing. She also strongly believes in US democracy and governmental system and the strength of US as a country. Yes, that includes US' awesome citizens and permanent residences and pretty much everyone else here.

Monday, January 16, 2017

I Am Fear

Here I am, at your side
Beautiful and witty, Lovely and tantalizing
Promising sweet, sweet future
Stroking your pride and ego

All you need to do is prove yourself
A moment of truth that seemed last forever
Though it is a mere split second or so
And there, you conquered me

I am yours
All yours

Here I am at your side,
Horrendous and cruel, Ruthless and horrifying
Threatens your very own existence
Leaving you breathless and debilitated

All you need to do is master me
Ability to think straight even for a moment
Though it feels like forever or so
But there, I conquered you

I am yours
All yours

Here I am at your side
Or at least the side where I was placed
The string that pulled your limbs
Made you dance for the puppeteer

All you need to do is cut the string
Realizing you've been had
Breaking free from the one who controls you
Else I will make you dance forever

I am yours
All yours

Use me well, use me wise
For even laughter needed tears
The light needed darkness
And courage will need fear

I am Fear
And I am yours
All yours

Let me be your mistress and propel you to the stars
Allow you to turn the "I can't" into "I Can"
Get you drunk in the newfound self-confidence
And made your steps a little sturdier each time

Let me be the horrid storm that wrecked your feeling
That made you greet the calm dawn gratefully
Turns you into a believer of everything good
And made your life a little bit better every time

I am yours
All yours

Do not let me run your head or your heart
Do not give me the reign and the whip and the chain
For I am a cruel mistress that will stop at nothing
Until you lay broken and dead at my feet

And not even once will you dare to think
That you can erase me from your life
I will always be there as a part of you
In sickness or in health, till death do us part

I am yours
All yours

For every breath you take you need me
To guide you in life, to protect you in life
The little challenges that'll boost your confidence
The major deals that'll keep you alive

What would you do without me, pray?
A content human too lazy to evolve
A corpse that died because inability to feel danger
A soulless person that let their soul gone to waste

I am yours
All yours

Fear me. Love me. Hate me. Desire me.
Hold me close to your heart and embrace me tight
Kiss me and tie me and use me well
Master me and let me serve you right

For I am a faithful mistress and a generous one
Dance with me well and you shall be rewarded
With courage and strength and wit and power
Do me wrong and you are gone forever

I am yours
All yours

Take this hand and let us dance
The first of the many lasts
To doom or to salvation, who knows
I will make you dance, no matter what

For I am Fear
The daughter of darkness
The ruler of hearts
The keeper of soul

And I am yours
All yours

Friday, January 13, 2017

The Calling

The clickity clack of iron against wood
The singular path through the nether land
The iron snake that slithered forward
The promise of adventure and sweet discoveries

I am gone love, but not for long
The world awaits, and I shall oblige
Oh the people that I would soon see
And the wonders that I would soon experience

The train shall move forward on and on
Over the tall bridge, over the cold bays
The trees and vistas will greet me
And there I will be, forever more

The world is big, love, and I want to see it
The different smiles each place promised
The different beauties each place hold
Aren't we lucky to live in such era?

Inside the iron snake's belly I will stay
Admiring what the world has to offer
An adventure, a journey, a lesson
An opportunity to know more, a whole lot more

But I will be home love, I will be home
Not all who wanders are lost, and I know the way home
To the nights under the city lights and days over the beach
To you. To us. Together

But now let me see the world, and let the world see me
Let me be lost in this vast, vast world
Let me take one more train ride, and one more, and one more
Each will take me away, yet also will take me home

And the train will go, clickity clack, clickity clack
The laughter will rise, the smile will bloom
The lost child will return to where she belongs
As I run towards the world's open arm and said: I am home

Thursday, January 12, 2017

Perfectly You

As I read his messages on my phone, the rant that went on and on, I can't help feeling sorry for him. I know I am not a slut. I know I am doing well. I know people like me. I know that I actually got it good, as a matter of fact, after our divorce; regardless of what he said. I know that I should feel sorry for him, that he had to resort with portraying me as the unworthy villain just to get over me. Hey, at least I can still see the good person in him. I feel bad for him and hope he can find solace.

Yet hours after the last messages were read, I was still shaking. After the messages end, my hand darted quickly between apps, torn between impulse buying and impulse flirting; both, I know, I will totally regret later. I needed comfort. I needed cover. I needed a quick fix to ensure his lashes wont scarred me. Which bothered me because he shouldn't have so much control of me. Like, why am I even talking to him again?

But then again, even if I don't know him, even if he is a mere stranger on the bus, I would still get hurt. It is about getting hit with negative energy. It is about a person trying to exert his/her power over you, pretty much raping your worth. Since it is from a person that I know, it makes it even more painful. For instance, being called Fatso by a deluded stranger on the street felt like getting a good bitchslap, being told you look like a whale in bikini by a family member felt like getting kissed by a wrecking ball right in the face.

"But I never hit you," he would say. Yea, but words can break you too; and a lot of time these are the wounds that healed the longest, if ever. The pain of bullying, for instance, hardly ever go away. And despite our best effort, words leave mark on our soul. Just like physical touches, you can caress somebody gently and you can smack the shit out of them. Why choose the latter if you can choose the first? Why trying to create your ideal world by forcing your thoughts, when it's you who is broken? You can't make yourself prettier by calling other people ugly.

The truth is, nobody is born pure evil or ugly. What they are, their choices, their decision to be whoever they show in public is theirs and theirs alone. There are many, many aspects in a human than what we choose to see. Human is like a multi-faceted diamond, so many sides and wonders in it. Some, as I sadly realize again today, is best to be left alone. But that doesn't mean they are less than human. Not everyone has the luxury of growing up in a conducive environment, just like not everyone has the luxury of growing up with drinkable, easily accessible tap water.

This attitude of "Thou shall speak no evil" does not only relate to domestic violence or visible minority group. This attitude should be use with everyone. Whenever I saw an online dating profile that says "Don't bother if you are a Trump supporter" I always make sure I swipe left. Hard. Like, we have not even talk yet and you already judge me based on my political preference? On how you perceive I view things even though it is not necessarily true? What's next? "Don't bother if you read Twilight", "Don't bother if you don't support Dodgers", "Don't bother if you are vegan"; I mean, dafuq? Who are you to judge and demean me with your words without knowing who I truly am?

Everytime I hear somebody explaining to me: "Oh it's because...". No, you don't need to explain anything. You don't need to explain why you are the one taking care of your uncle. You don't need to explain about why you always wear loose baggy clothes. You don't need to explain your love for gaming or other so-called-not-normal things while fervently hoping you wont scare your date away. You don't need to explain why you choose or don't choose a presidential candidate. You don't need to make justification of who you are just because an insecure prick try to lift his/herself higher than you.

At the same time, don't be that prick. The biggest issue that mankind has in this present day is our self-made tunnel vision. We choose to see what we want to see, and nothing else. The advancement of technology enables us to gather as much information as we can, yet we only read what is comfortable for us. The same news would be circulated over and over again in my Facebook feed, a pattern I noticed both from my Indonesian and American friends. This reluctance to even peek to the other side, let alone open-minded enough to actually trying to digest it to see the whole big picture, is very alarming.

This is the reason for victim or slut shaming. This is the reason for demeaning words and instant judgement. This is the reason for numerous pain inflicted on and scarred so many just because we are not mature enough to be kind and to be understanding; just because we are this horrible little deformed turtle hiding inside our 'safe' house because the world is too scary for us. The sick part is, often times we judge and say horrible things to others because we are conditioned to do so, because we too are victims of other people's narrow-mindedness and insecurities. Isn't this sad?

It is a sick, sick world we live in; and it is high time we heal it. We focus on cleaning up the polution that we can see, the climate change that we can feel; let's also focus on cleaning up the polution in our heart, the hurtful world we have right now. There's beauty in every aspect of this world. Be humble and realize each person in this world knows something that you don't know. Be brave and seize this world, dive head first onto the glory and wonders it offers. Step out of your shell. You will be fine. You are not perfect. Heck, nobody is. But you are, always, perfectly you. Embrace it. Life is not that bad, really. It's not.

Tuesday, January 3, 2017

The Maiden's Prayer

I ran and ran and ran. My legs ached, my chest hurt, but still I ran like there's no tomorrow, like the devil was hard on my tail. Which might just be true. Almost there, I told myself when the forest grew thinner, almost there. I ran and ran and ran until I found the old chapel. How I managed to open the great wooden door I do not know, but there I was kneeling in front of the altar: "Forgive me Lord for I have sinned. Forgive me Lord for I have sinned. Forgive me Lord for I have sinned."

With each prayer the memories came flooding back: the man, the lies, the sin. Tears flowed freely, interchangeable with the madness of mind, and on and on I prayed, clinging to each word like a drowned woman clinging to a piece of driftwood in the big vast ocean. Will I be helped? Do I deserve to be helped? I could not tell. I could, however, holding on to the very last moment and hoped salvation will come. And if no salvation came, I understand, for I have sinned, and I have sinned greatly.

The first kiss. The first stolen kiss. Was it stolen though, when my heart gave it freely even as my lips whispered 'No'? And then the next. Then the next. On and on it goes. Then he pulled me closer. His breath grew faster and smelled so sweet. His hands on my body, even with the thick fabric of my gown I could feel the promise of the pleasure against my bare skin. I said no and I struggle, but my mind was begging for more. How I have sinned. How I have lied. Oh Lord, if it is so wrong why do You make it feel so good? 

His bare chest against my bare chest. His hungry mouth on my neck. Please stop, I begged him, but inside I urged him to go. Why were You not enough? Why did I succumb to this earthly desire? Then he was in me, and the doors of Heaven were closed forever for me. Was it, though? Was I not in heaven when he was in me? His hands hold my wrists so hard, pinned me down to the ground as he did the deed. It hurt, yet at the same time, it felt good. Lord, my Beautiful Lord, why do you let me sin like this? I am now a used person, a piece of meat unworthy for Your Grace. Lord, oh Lord, let me back into your Kingdom.

Forgive me Lord, for I have sinned. Forgive me Lord, for I have sinned. Forgive me Lord, for I have sinned.

"But my Child," a voice gently answered in my mind, "you know well it was not because of the sin of pleasure that you are here today…"

I looked up, startled. The altar and the statues were all the same, silently stood as it has been for many, many years. Yet for a flicker of a moment, it seemed full of life, full of priests and believers, all who looked at me pitifully. Yes, I thought to myself. The last piece of the memory clicked into place as I looked at my blood-stained hand, red to the elbow as if I was wearing a pair of red velvet gloves. I didn't need a mirror to know my face and my dress have been caked in blood as well. From afar a troop of royal guard approached the chapel. "There she is," said the commander loudly, "There's the crazy Sister that killed our Prince!!"

Forgive me Lord, for I have sinned.

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