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Tuesday, April 17, 2018

The Sun Is Gonna Shine Again

Fuck me I'm depressed.

No, no, no. Not asking you to really fuck me. Unless you are cute. Then hey boy, what's your number? Wait, no. That's not what I meant. I guess this is one of those times where punctuation matters.

One more time then. Fuck me. I'm depressed. Now, that's better.

I realized it as I wait on the bus stop, trying to tell myself to go home and sleep. And when I keep arguing I don't want to take the 30 min uphill walk to the office. And when not even chocolate can cheer me up.

The lazy bitch, so fat but she doesn't want to work it. The heinous slouch that won't do her work right. The disgusting drama queen that was all me, me, me. To say I hate myself right now is an understatement.

Maybe it's my period, the hormone raging inside me. Maybe it's my own disenchantment with life and human race. Maybe it's my frustration with people around me, all seemed full of lies and agendas.

Does the why actually matters, though? The fact is, I have no energy to do my things. I wasn't making it up when I said I don't want to, I actually felt like I physically can't. I do need that sleep. I do need to heal.

Inside my head the war commenced, masked with heavy fog of confusion. One part keep telling myself I am useless, which is the side that is winning; and the other keep saying "You did great!" Yeah. They're losing fast.

I want to curl up in my bed, no, under a bed. Because under the blanket is not a good enough protection for me, because the bad voices in my head will come and take me away and oh God please hide me.

But here I am, smiling as if nothing happened, laughing gaily as usual. Nobody cares. And I don't want them to care. It is too ugly to be seen. Go. Go away. Leave me alone. Don't come near. You're just gonna hurt me more.

Every excuse I came up to justify my condition was eliminated as quickly as it come. Others have been hurt too. It's my own fault that I got hurt. I am being a wuss. And why won't people hate me for that? I hate myself for that.

Can I just turn off the light and sat in the darkness right now? I don't even want to drink alcohol to drown my sorrow. It'll be back when I sobered up, anyway. I just want the world to leave me alone, forget about me.

"Stop it. You are being a wuss." I can hear my best friend saying it, even though he wasn't around. I know he'd care. I know he'd be worried. And I know he trust me enough to know I can get up by myself.

Having a friend, nay, knowing you are loved and accepted for who you are really makes a difference. It's like having a Patronus or good luck charm that will keep away the evil away. 

They're out there, you know. We just need to be ready to open ourselves and find them. Which is the scariest part, because trusting somebody is like handing over a part of our body to them. "Here, Gary, keep my spleen in which I will die if you crush it!"

Fuck. Maybe being depressed is better? Sadness is definite, anyway. You will be sad. You will feel helpless. You will feel meaningless and an absolute utter failure in which you will then hate everything.

God. What a way to live, though. I don't think anyone deserve to live like that. What an existence to live in negative emotion and feeling powerless against everything. I don't want that, not at all.

"Then don't," my best friend responded in my mind. Ughh…. I know! So hard, though! So very hard. I just want to give in. Fuck this life. Fuck this cold weather. Fuck these shitty humans. Let me be!

"Kay. Call me up when you're done," how he would reply to my tantrum. Fuck him too. Well, I can't. It'll be awkward and the gf will come after me. But he's right. I will be done soon. The sun is gonna shine again. I will be alright. I know I will. And so will you.

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