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Monday, March 13, 2017

Hello my [now ex-]-husband's little missus

Editor's Note:  This is an English version I made for my blog post which was in Indonesian. Many non-Indonesian readers wanted to be able to read the post, but the Google Translate version did not translate well.  This is not a verbatim translation as to adapt with different way of thinking. Despite the tweaks the message is the same: affairs are not the way to go. If you want to read the original post in Indonesian, just click here.  Thanks for reading.

Hey there, my [now ex-]husband's little missus. What's up? 

Now now, let's not throw the axe at me so quickly. Chill. I am not here to judge or harass you. I am here to tell my reader what really happens in an affair, all the ugly truths that so often hidden in a simple line "he had an affair" with the hope that others will think twice before being in one. 

Affairs are devastatingly expensive.  For instance, the affair between you and my [now ex-]husband cost me 4.5 years of my life. That's 1588 days together. 216 weekends and/or holidays spent with his kids (my stepchildren). Five birthdays, 4 Christmas, 5 Father's Day, 3 Thanksgivings. Numerous toys, books, games, event tickets, and all the fun things I obtained for the family. Immeasurable anger, frustration, and tears that I endured myself, plus his that I help him to endure. My career and my family that I left behind to be with him. My age, and I'm definitely not growing younger. Our chosen partner is our investment for the future, and you've successfully destroyed mine. How does it make you feel?

In your defense, you probably did not know that on your first rendezvous (which he claimed was vacation for therapy), I bought the ticket for him to fly to your hometown because I was worried as a foreigner he'd get scammed. Every day he was there I was constantly worried for his well-being as it was a new place for him.  He didn't text much because 'there was no signal'. My family, who were obviously confused why he went on vacation to Indonesia without their daughter, still greeted him very warmly. I sent Mother’s Day flowers to the mothers of my stepkids and to his late mother's grave because it was Mother's Day while he was there.  I wanted to make sure everyone got thanked properly. And guess what he's doing?

I am also convinced you did not know that even as you started to communicate with him he was still being pampered, despite what his claims may be. An anniversary dinner date at a swanky rotating lounge in Downtown LA. Homemade cute “boob and butt” cookies for his birthday. Matching father-son Top Gun shirts for Father's day, complete with Father's day dinner at a Samba restaurant for the three of us. The Father's Day was extra special as I found out the proof of your affair three days before. I still went with it though, as everything has been booked and I didn't want to ruin Father's Day for my stepson. You don't know any of this because he won’t tell you. Not even a single recognition was made for me in all the Facebook posts he made, so how could you know?

This is wrong, obviously, but you made the decision to be with him even though you knew he was still married. You are not without resources, though. As a writer, I maintain a public persona which is easily found online. Heck, you can even find the book I made for him online. If the wife of the man you are dating keeps posting pictures of the two of them looking happy together, you might want to reconsider his 'unloved' claim. 

Even if you didn't have resources, in general it is a good idea to stop and think what would the other woman feel. What would happen if he was lying and the other woman is still in love with him, because this is what happened. Four-and-a-half years down the drain. The family was broken. I haven't seen my stepkids since I had to leave. They're probably confused as hell as to where did their old stepmom go and why does this new one keep being shoved up their face.

It's over though, for me and you. You made the decision to accept the devil (i.e. my ex-husband), and here we are now. But for others who read this, others who might be in the position to be tempted, please reconsider. It is not that you can't love. By all means, love all you want, just make sure you don't hurt others or yourself.. Get yourself the certainty you deserve, that the love of your life is definitely leaving the other person to be with you. 

It took me a little over a month for my ex-husband to sign the divorce papers, and that's with him begging repeatedly for marriage counselling.  He'd tell me how much he loves me and we should get back together, plus numerous threats and fights between us just to force him sign. Considering his defense when I found out about the affair was "we're gonna get divorced anyway", I actually feel sorry for you. Please, don't go this route. You are not being a martyr of love, you are being a kitchen cloth used to wipe grimes. 

Life has so many sides that it's almost impossible to see them all at once. However, we still need to try and base our decision on as many sides as we can consider instead of going all in to get what our hearts want. Isn't it better and more rewarding to be able to say "how can she not know about me?!" than  "how can she know about me?!", Temptation will be there and assholes will lie, but in the end we are the one who made the decision. Hopefully with this information, you can choose more wisely.

In the end, everybody loses in this game. My ex-husband lost a loyal, devoted wife. My stepkids lost a stepmom that would go to the ends of the earth for them, not to mention cool and smart to boost if I don't say so myself. You'll lose respect from anyone who knows the story, and I honestly wouldn’t be surprised if my ex-husband uses this against you in the future. I lost pretty much everything, yet at the same time, I am the clear winner. I gave my all, and it didn't work. It's pretty much what keeps me sane and moving. There are no ifs and there is no regret. I gave my all and put everyone's happiness in consideration. How can you regret that?

I wish you all the best, little missus. I am free and happy as I can be. I miss my stepkids a lot, but I am grateful to be rid of an unfaithful husband. I am loving life to the fullest, and it doesn't hurt that I’m told I look more attractive than ever. The pride from successfully weathering the storm does that. You on the other hand, still have a long journey ahead of you. Good luck, little missus, you're gonna need it.

Ps: please don't look for the little missus, dear readers. And definitely don't harass her. This post is not made to bash her, but to educate people on what happen behind the sultry and scandalous veil of 'affair'.





13 comments:

  1. Be strong, maam!! You deserve better.. what goes around comea back around. No worries. She'll feel the same in no time. Once a cheater always be a a cheater (til his dick got malfunction LMAO)

    I know its hard but You deserve better! Thanks for sharing with us.
    The loss of love is not nearly as painful as our resistance to accepting it is.

    Keep fighting.

    Send you lots of love and kisses

    M

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  2. We are as a woman should be ad strong like you. i wish i could do the same like u did. but anyway trash is a trash....

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  3. Wow, you still can say good luck??
    Last thing I said to her was I hope your plane crashed so hard that no one will ever find your body.
    Well, I just said that in my heart though.
    But would've really nice if it happen *grin
    Been there done that btw. Not as tough woman as you are, but hey I'm doing the best I can to get there.
    Am trying to save my marriage.
    Let's see if things can work out.
    Bismillaah..

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  4. Semangat ya Tante yang cantik !!!

    Tante sekarang lebih berguna bagi banyak orang , lebih banyak membantu orang orang,
    itu jauuuuh lebih HEBAT di hadapan Tuhan

    i love you

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  5. Pengen peluk mbak Ary, you're strong and beautiful. Know that you're not alone and we're all with you.... sending much love and encouragement to you.... be happy always

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  6. I dont normally comment on someone's blog. But youre so inspiring, so I decided to sprinkle a dust of wishes here. Good luck for your brand new life! Like u said u r a clean winner. You deserve someone sooo much better. People might have said it so many times to you, but I think you deserve to hear about this more, beautiful soul. :)

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  7. Mbak Ary lebih cantik Dari mbak itu. Mantan suami mbak Ary suatu hari bakal nyesel tapi sudah telat.

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  8. Semangat ya mbak. Aku nangis baca tulismu.GBU.

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  9. Mba, upload juga foto cewek itu. Biar klo ketemu dijalan tak lempar pake sendal, semakin banyak yg liat mukanya kan jd malu dia

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  10. I feel u miss...rasanya pediih & periih. Tetiba ketemu blog ini Pas Di saat suamiku ketauan selingkuh dengan perempuan yg sama saat kepergok 2013 lalu. Mba jahat itu customer service bca thamrin Jakarta asal manado...#yep I write it clearly. Pingin rasanya ngaplok tapi yaa biar Tuhan aja yg balas (karma does exist..right?) Krn terlalu enak klo cuman kaplok.

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  11. Super kuat wanita hebat.. Saya mau gabung Ke komunitas group Nya

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  12. Mba ary kasusnya sama dengan apa yang saya alami, bedanya saya belum dikaruniai anak. Mantan selingkuh dengan kenalannya dari fb, sampai mantan mentransfer uang ke perempuan itu.
    Yang lebih parah lagi mantan meninggalkan banyak hutang. Ini yang saya hadapi, padahal hutang itu bekas dia kuliah di dua tempat (perkapalan n manajemen transportasi). Semuanya saya serahkan pada Allah.
    Insha allah setiap peristiwa pasti Ada hikmahnya, namun Allah itu maha adil dan tidak tidur. (apalagi terhadap orang yang didzolimi).

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