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Thursday, January 12, 2017

Perfectly You

As I read his messages on my phone, the rant that went on and on, I can't help feeling sorry for him. I know I am not a slut. I know I am doing well. I know people like me. I know that I actually got it good, as a matter of fact, after our divorce; regardless of what he said. I know that I should feel sorry for him, that he had to resort with portraying me as the unworthy villain just to get over me. Hey, at least I can still see the good person in him. I feel bad for him and hope he can find solace.

Yet hours after the last messages were read, I was still shaking. After the messages end, my hand darted quickly between apps, torn between impulse buying and impulse flirting; both, I know, I will totally regret later. I needed comfort. I needed cover. I needed a quick fix to ensure his lashes wont scarred me. Which bothered me because he shouldn't have so much control of me. Like, why am I even talking to him again?

But then again, even if I don't know him, even if he is a mere stranger on the bus, I would still get hurt. It is about getting hit with negative energy. It is about a person trying to exert his/her power over you, pretty much raping your worth. Since it is from a person that I know, it makes it even more painful. For instance, being called Fatso by a deluded stranger on the street felt like getting a good bitchslap, being told you look like a whale in bikini by a family member felt like getting kissed by a wrecking ball right in the face.

"But I never hit you," he would say. Yea, but words can break you too; and a lot of time these are the wounds that healed the longest, if ever. The pain of bullying, for instance, hardly ever go away. And despite our best effort, words leave mark on our soul. Just like physical touches, you can caress somebody gently and you can smack the shit out of them. Why choose the latter if you can choose the first? Why trying to create your ideal world by forcing your thoughts, when it's you who is broken? You can't make yourself prettier by calling other people ugly.

The truth is, nobody is born pure evil or ugly. What they are, their choices, their decision to be whoever they show in public is theirs and theirs alone. There are many, many aspects in a human than what we choose to see. Human is like a multi-faceted diamond, so many sides and wonders in it. Some, as I sadly realize again today, is best to be left alone. But that doesn't mean they are less than human. Not everyone has the luxury of growing up in a conducive environment, just like not everyone has the luxury of growing up with drinkable, easily accessible tap water.

This attitude of "Thou shall speak no evil" does not only relate to domestic violence or visible minority group. This attitude should be use with everyone. Whenever I saw an online dating profile that says "Don't bother if you are a Trump supporter" I always make sure I swipe left. Hard. Like, we have not even talk yet and you already judge me based on my political preference? On how you perceive I view things even though it is not necessarily true? What's next? "Don't bother if you read Twilight", "Don't bother if you don't support Dodgers", "Don't bother if you are vegan"; I mean, dafuq? Who are you to judge and demean me with your words without knowing who I truly am?

Everytime I hear somebody explaining to me: "Oh it's because...". No, you don't need to explain anything. You don't need to explain why you are the one taking care of your uncle. You don't need to explain about why you always wear loose baggy clothes. You don't need to explain your love for gaming or other so-called-not-normal things while fervently hoping you wont scare your date away. You don't need to explain why you choose or don't choose a presidential candidate. You don't need to make justification of who you are just because an insecure prick try to lift his/herself higher than you.

At the same time, don't be that prick. The biggest issue that mankind has in this present day is our self-made tunnel vision. We choose to see what we want to see, and nothing else. The advancement of technology enables us to gather as much information as we can, yet we only read what is comfortable for us. The same news would be circulated over and over again in my Facebook feed, a pattern I noticed both from my Indonesian and American friends. This reluctance to even peek to the other side, let alone open-minded enough to actually trying to digest it to see the whole big picture, is very alarming.

This is the reason for victim or slut shaming. This is the reason for demeaning words and instant judgement. This is the reason for numerous pain inflicted on and scarred so many just because we are not mature enough to be kind and to be understanding; just because we are this horrible little deformed turtle hiding inside our 'safe' house because the world is too scary for us. The sick part is, often times we judge and say horrible things to others because we are conditioned to do so, because we too are victims of other people's narrow-mindedness and insecurities. Isn't this sad?

It is a sick, sick world we live in; and it is high time we heal it. We focus on cleaning up the polution that we can see, the climate change that we can feel; let's also focus on cleaning up the polution in our heart, the hurtful world we have right now. There's beauty in every aspect of this world. Be humble and realize each person in this world knows something that you don't know. Be brave and seize this world, dive head first onto the glory and wonders it offers. Step out of your shell. You will be fine. You are not perfect. Heck, nobody is. But you are, always, perfectly you. Embrace it. Life is not that bad, really. It's not.


  1. "I know that I should feel sorry for him, that he had to resort with portraying me as the unworthy villain just to get over me." It is very accurate and I am glad you recognize it. I know he also gets very upset when the truth presents itself that you view other men better than him. He wanted to always be the best in your eyes and learning he was not is something his brain could not handle. I know he feels very strongly about you and he wants the best for you... even though he has to admit he is not it. I know deep in his heart he has respect for you and does appreciate the person you are. He regrets not being a better man.

  2. Sounds like he verbally abuse you. Good u left him. Remember that u r worthy than him.


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