The Maiden's Prayer

I ran and ran and ran. My legs ached, my chest hurt, but still I ran like there's no tomorrow, like the devil was hard on my tail. Which might just be true. Almost there, I told myself when the forest grew thinner, almost there. I ran and ran and ran until I found the old chapel. How I managed to open the great wooden door I do not know, but there I was kneeling in front of the altar: "Forgive me Lord for I have sinned. Forgive me Lord for I have sinned. Forgive me Lord for I have sinned."

With each prayer the memories came flooding back: the man, the lies, the sin. Tears flowed freely, interchangeable with the madness of mind, and on and on I prayed, clinging to each word like a drowned woman clinging to a piece of driftwood in the big vast ocean. Will I be helped? Do I deserve to be helped? I could not tell. I could, however, holding on to the very last moment and hoped salvation will come. And if no salvation came, I understand, for I have sinned, and I have sinned greatly.

The first kiss. The first stolen kiss. Was it stolen though, when my heart gave it freely even as my lips whispered 'No'? And then the next. Then the next. On and on it goes. Then he pulled me closer. His breath grew faster and smelled so sweet. His hands on my body, even with the thick fabric of my gown I could feel the promise of the pleasure against my bare skin. I said no and I struggle, but my mind was begging for more. How I have sinned. How I have lied. Oh Lord, if it is so wrong why do You make it feel so good? 

His bare chest against my bare chest. His hungry mouth on my neck. Please stop, I begged him, but inside I urged him to go. Why were You not enough? Why did I succumb to this earthly desire? Then he was in me, and the doors of Heaven were closed forever for me. Was it, though? Was I not in heaven when he was in me? His hands hold my wrists so hard, pinned me down to the ground as he did the deed. It hurt, yet at the same time, it felt good. Lord, my Beautiful Lord, why do you let me sin like this? I am now a used person, a piece of meat unworthy for Your Grace. Lord, oh Lord, let me back into your Kingdom.

Forgive me Lord, for I have sinned. Forgive me Lord, for I have sinned. Forgive me Lord, for I have sinned.

"But my Child," a voice gently answered in my mind, "you know well it was not because of the sin of pleasure that you are here today…"

I looked up, startled. The altar and the statues were all the same, silently stood as it has been for many, many years. Yet for a flicker of a moment, it seemed full of life, full of priests and believers, all who looked at me pitifully. Yes, I thought to myself. The last piece of the memory clicked into place as I looked at my blood-stained hand, red to the elbow as if I was wearing a pair of red velvet gloves. I didn't need a mirror to know my face and my dress have been caked in blood as well. From afar a troop of royal guard approached the chapel. "There she is," said the commander loudly, "There's the crazy Sister that killed our Prince!!"

Forgive me Lord, for I have sinned.