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Thursday, January 19, 2017

Little Monsters

I am sorry for the tears you shed inside. I am sorry for the grieving loss that create the abyss in your heart. I am sorry for the doubts and the what-ifs. I am sorry for the feeling of defeat. I am sorry for the painful jolt you have now and then when faced with your trauma. I am sorry for the long sigh you let go. I am sorry for every bitter "Well, that's just how the dice rolls." I am sorry that you got hurt. I am sorry that you are in pain. I am sorry that you are experiencing this agony.

And I am not even going to BS my way through, saying how this is a part of life or that you somehow deserve it. Yes, each of us human will experience this one way or another. Yes, sometimes, nay, most of the times we actually bring it to ourselves. No, knowing that does not make any agony or pain or other negative feelings we has go away more easily. It is there. You probably know why she left you, but the knowledge doesn't make your bed any warmer at night. It also won't wipe out the tears you shed or the gut-wrenching pain you have inside. Knowing is one thing, experiencing is another thing.

Some will argue that these negative experience, these feelings of non-happiness, are important for us as human. They mature us. They make us wiser. We learn from them and avoid making the same mistake again, just like we learn to not directly handle fire after we got burn once. Again, to some of us who is currently in pain, this means absolutely nothing. Are you really able to calmly go through the stinging paper cut on your finger just by thinking, "Well, next time I should be careful"? No amount of cussing or self-soothing can magicked your pain to disappear. Putting your mind elsewhere and not focusing on the pain might help, but it is still there. The only salvation is to wait for it to naturally ebbed away. And often time, it is not easy.

In a world so obsessed with happiness, with the 'high' and the next adrenaline rush, pain is sometimes forgotten (unless it is a way to get high). Nobody wants a gloomer, a Debby Downer. Everybody wants to be the cheerful, fabulous, fantastic person that other people look up to. Thus, our obsession with social media, or any type of media, started. Any words that have negative meaning is banished from copywrite. Gruesome news is written in a way that enticed, enthralled, and pulling the heart string of the reader/viewer instead of giving the cruel, hard, fact. None of your real-life things please. We just want to get high and happy.

Yet it is there, lurking in the shadow. We hide it, we pretend it doesn't exist. Like a bad case of acne, we conceal it underneath heavy foundation and glittering makeup. Or perhaps like the credit card statement we don't want to see, that we toss directly to the trash can while lying to ourselves: "We're good." Why? Because it hurt us. Sadness and grief and other negative emotion hurt and destroy us. We want it to go away, or at the very least sent to the back of our head where they can't hurt us anymore. Because if not then we'll become bitter and possessed by it. Just go, please go.

And this is where the sin started. Our life, our very existence in this world, since the first breath we inhale till the last breath we exhale, is completely doused in pain. Physical scratches and wound, disappointments and heartbreaks, is there really any of us human can say that they never had any pain in their life, even those who has brain issue? Just because we don't feel it or choose to numb ourselves with it doesn't mean that it is not there. And how we try to numb ourselves. Lust, Gluttony, Greed, Sloth, Wrath, Envy, Pride, what are these but pale efforts to disconnect us from pain? The happier we are, the less in pain we'll be, right? Instead of addressing the pain, we manifest it or hide it in a different form. But it won't go away just like that. It can't.

Take my hand and let's visit those little monsters one by one: fear, sadness, grief, heartache, distrust, any other non-happy or non-positive feelings that you have inside you, that we have inside us. Have Pain sat next to you on the sofa and chill together. Arrange a date with Loss and sat there with her on the kitchen table with a steaming cup of cocoa. Go with Heartache for a day of adventuring. In the end they will still stay, but they won't stay for long. And even when they do stay, they stay as old friends instead of monsters in your head. This is not about banishing them, this is about accepting them until they have no more hold on you.

Some will require professional medical assistance with this, some won't; yet a journey is always easier when you know you are not alone. Here I stood on the earth's crust, just like you. Here I stood under the atmospheric layer of earth, just like you. Open your Pandora box and let your pain free; let your grief and sadness and fear found mine, and let them console each other. Console, remember this, and not devour. See them as they are in order to slowly release yourself from their hold. And at the bottom of the box, previously hidden by all the painful and negative emotion, you will find Hope. You will find Courage. You will find Self-Confidence. You will find your heart's true Strength. 

So take my hand, and never feel lonely again. I am here with you, in every word I wrote, in every thought I think. I may not know you in person, but we are acquainted with the same pain we have to endure as human. Let me be by your side, as you'll be by my side. In a treacherous world filled with the promise of pain and agony, let us be each other's light and each other's warmth. You have suffered, and so have I. Let our grief and hurt accentuate this pretty world with dark streaks that will enhance its beauty and highlight the glowing joy it holds. I am here with you, and you are here with me. We are not alone. We never are.

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