Witch Fire

It's almost 11 pm and I am sitting on my bed crying. 

The last two months have been so draining and I don't know who am I right now. I started out July full of vigor and sass, and now I feel I am the most loathsome person alive.

I am selfish. I am inconsiderate. I am abrasive and cocky. I am not kind. I can't stand when all attention is not on me. I am crazy. I have no manner. I am a horrible, horrible person.

Words are chain that bind. Even when you know it was spoken out of anger and not truth. Even when you know it was spoken just to hurt you. The words stay. And they scarred you. They made it reactive for you so the next time something like that was spoken you lost your mind.

But maybe those words are right. Maybe it wasn't a self-defense. Maybe it's the truth. Maybe I do deserve all the bad things that's coming to me. Maybe I do deserve losing people I love. I am just not good enough.

Even as I tried to tell myself it is not true, I am still scared. When a friend told me he can't see anything bad about me I cried in relief. But after that bitter tears fell. What if it's because he didn't know the real me yet?

How many more people should I lost simply because of who I am? How many lonely nights I have to spend because I am too exhausting? Tonight, I wish I was not me. I wish I am silent and obedient. I wish I am not opinionated and hot headed. I wish I am not a raging witch-at-stake bonfire but a mere candle instead.

But I am not. And I will see my world burn to ashes one part at a time, because of who I am. If the fire is hot, what is this icy cold loneliness in my heart?