Kebebasan Finansial

Ngobrol sama teman dan tercetus kata 'Financially independent' alias independen secara financial. Jargon MLM banget nggak sih? Biasanya habis itu yang terbayang iming-iming mobil mewah, liburan ke luar negeri, rumah gedong nan besar, dan jangan lupa "tidak harus bekerja lagi seumur hidup". Err…

Nggak ada yang namanya nggak bekerja lagi seumur hidup. Anggota keluarga kerajaan atau artis-artis yang duitnya berlimpah juga tetap bekerja. Kunjungan Kate Middleton dan Prince William ke Kanada baru-baru ini hitungannya kerja. Artis-artis yang difoto sama paparazzi pun selalu kerja dengan nongol cantik/ganteng dimana-mana biar mukanya tetap dikenal dan tetap laku albumnya/filmnya. Impian punya mobil mewah etc juga seperti impian bakal hidup happily ever after kalau dapat suami/istri super menarik, padahal maintenancenya tinggi dan ngerepotin. 

Tapi karena ini yang 'dijual', kita berpikir bahwa 'financial independence' alias kebebasan finansial itu jauh banget dan sulit terwujud. Ya iyalah, beli rumah mewah berapa M sekarang? Beli hape saja sudah nggak bisa cuma Rp 500rb seperti dulu. Sibuklah kita merana atau mencari jalan pintas seperti cari dukun pengganda uang (versi tradisional) dan arisan berantai (versi modern). Padahal kebebasan finansial itu nggak sebegitu jauhnya untuk dicapai, asalkan definisinya diubah. It's not about what you want to have, it's about what you should have. Bukan tentang apa yang ingin anda miliki, namun tentang apa yang harusnya anda miliki.

Saat ikut seminar training Financial Service khusus wanita disini, yang disharing bukan hadiah jor-joran dan iming-iming "Saya bisa lho punya rumah mewah!". Yang disharing adalah cerita ibu-ibu yang membantu keluarganya hidup nyaman dan aman berkat perencanaan finansial mereka. Ini buat saya barang baru banget. There is more than life than just obtaining status symbol. Ada lebih dari hidup daripada hanya mengejar simbol status. Keluarga Ibu A mampu bertahan tanpa hutang kartu kredit atau pinjaman lainnya selama tiga bulan setelah suaminya di PHK. Ibu B membantu suaminya lepas dari hutang dan membeli rumah idaman mereka. Ibu C melepas dirinya sendiri dari hutang dan memiliki asset yang tidak sedikit.

Ini dia kebebasan finansial yang sebenar-benarnya. Kebebasan finansial bukan hanya nggak bekerja atau bergantung lagi sama orang. Hey, anda punya toko/usaha sendiri pun masih akan bergantung pada pelanggan kan? Kebebasan finansial adalah titik dimana kalau anda tidak kerja sehari, kalau ada sesuatu yang terjadi pada anda, kalau ada kondisi darurat, anda tidak akan terpuruk, tidak akan panik, dan jelas tidak perlu mencari pinjaman kemana-mana. Yang saat anak masuk sekolah atau hari raya nggak pusing tujuh keliling, yang liburan dengan hati tenang dan bukannya setelah liburan stress karena nggak bisa makan, ini bukan yang harusnya kita dapatkan? Hidup tenang, aman, damai tanpa perlu parno kebutuhan dasar hidup nggak terpenuhi.

Mau gaji anda Rp 1 juta atau Rp 100 juta sebulan, kebebasan finansial diawali dengan satu hal: analisa kebutuhan keuangan. Duduk manis barang 30 menit (atau lebih), tulis semua kebutuhan/pengeluaran anda, tulis semua pemasukan anda. Jangan cuma dikira-kira ya, pastikan seakurat mungkin, yang setiap hari pengeluaran anda apa saja dan berapa saja. Kalau perlu pakai excel sheet biar akurat menghitungnya. Pastikan semua pengeluaran utama yang tidak mungkin diabaikan seperti transportasi, uang sewa, tagihan listrik, dan tentunya tabungan, ditaruh paling atas. Budget lain-lain seperti makan bisa belakangan.



Kalau sudah tahu kurang lebih berapa kebutuhan anda, anda bisa pakai aplikasi budgeting gratisan untuk mengontrol keuangan anda, misalnya saja Monefy atau Money Lover – Money Manager atau Spending Tracker. Agak repot memang harus memasukkan data setiap kali anda melakukan transaksi, tapi paling tidak anda jadi tahu berapa pengeluaran anda yang sebenar-benarnya dan bagaimana anda mampu meraih gol finansial anda. Percaya deh, setelah duduk dan melihat sesungguh-sungguhnya kondisi keuangan anda, anda akan lebih bisa merencanakan hidup anda dengan lebih realistis. Ini latihan yang harus dilakukan setiap orang paling tidak sekali seumur hidup. Anggap saja seperti tes kolesterol atau diabetes, lebih baik tahu sekarang daripada terlambat.

Para wanita pun nggak boleh malu-malu kucing melakukan hal ini, apalagi yang sudah berkeluarga. Jargonnya perkumpulan agen wanita di company ini adalah: husband is not a backup plan, suami bukanlah rencana cadangan. Apalagi rencana utama. Waktu saya ditinggal demi perempuan lain, saya masih bisa hidup tenang dan damai karena saya financially independent dan nggak bergantung pada suami saya. Nggak semua orang sesial saya, tapi masih banyak bencana lain yang bisa terjadi: suami tidak bisa bekerja, suami sakit, suami di phk, dan sebagainya. Aktif dan cerdas dalam mengelola keuangan keluarga bukan menyepelekan suami, namun justru membantu suami. Kasihan kan suami sudah kerja banting tulang dan masih memikirkan bagaimana bayar cicilan motor bulan ini?

Duduk dan membicarakan keuangan ini berlaku dua arah ya, kedua belah pihak harus mau melihat dan mengerti situasi keuangan keluarga dan bekerja sama untuk menstabilkan, syukur-syukur memakmurkan kondisi keuangan keluarga. Ini susah. Waktu soal duduk bersama pasangan ini di mention, suasana ballroom tempat event ini langsung hening mencekam. Duduk mengurus keuangan sendiri saja orang sudah ogah, karena harus menghadapi fakta akan apa yang bisa dan tidak bisa dilakukan; apalagi harus melakukannya bersama pasangan. Tapi rumah, pendidikan anak, kendaraan, itu semua urusan berdua kan? Mau nggak mau ya harus menyadari yang sebenar-benarnya kondisi kapal bagaimana.

Pengetahuan akan kebutuhan keuangan anda juga akan membantu anda merencanakan masa depan anda. Kalau ternyata memang kebutuhan anda lebih besar daripada pemasukan anda, saatnya melihat mana yang bisa dipangkas atau memikirkan bagaimana meningkatkan pemasukan anda. Sekolah atau kursus lagi misalnya, agar kesempatan kerja lebih baik. Atau mendapatkan pemasukan tambahan dari berjualan atau bisnis lainnya. Dengan budgeting ini akan bisa terlihat berapa sebenarnya pemasukan yang anda dapatkan dari bisnis anda tersebut, agar tidak besar pasak daripada tiang. Anda pun akan mampu merencanakan masa depan (menabung untuk hari raya misalnya, atau untuk DP rumah, syukur-syukur investasi) dengan lebih nyaman bila anda tau seberapa banyak yang realistisnya bisa anda sisihkan.

Kredibilitas saya? Saya bisa walk out dengan hanya baju di koper setelah bekerja setahun kurang di Los Angeles dengan gaji sedikit diatas UMR. Saya bisa sewa apartemen sendiri plus bayar depositnya dan segala macam tagihan (hape, asuransi, pajak, etc), bisa furnish apartemen sendiri, bisa hura-hura belanja online untuk mengobati kepedihan saya (jyaaaaahhh), bisa jalan-jalan ke Seattle 6 hari. Setelah tabungan dan pemasukan terkuras untuk segala tetek bengek ini (saya dipotong pajak etc untuk single itu sampai 21% lho), saya masih bisa ngebudget untuk investasi, dana pensiun, dan bahkan asuransi jiwa. Nggak banyak sih, tapi yang penting ada. Prinsip saya nggak apa-apa makan telur seminggu penuh asal bisa ke restoran sekali, dan asal semua tabungan investasi etc tetap jalan. Ini buat saya pencapaian lho, karena saya datang kesini cuma modal cinta saja. Orang asli sini saja belum tentu bisa walk out begitu.

Baik anda mahasiswa yang menunggu kiriman wesel dari rumah (masih ada ya??), pekerja kantoran gress baru lulus kuliah, atau bos besar dengan sopir dua dan pembantu lima, pengelolaan keuangan anda sangat penting dalam hidup anda. Dikira-kira memang enak, dan saya yakin banyak orang yang hidupnya baik-baik saja dengan perkiraan budgetingnya; namun angka tidak bisa bohong. Melihat angka merah di budget app anda lebih bikin 'bangun' daripada sekedar berpikir, "Kayanya gue udah over budget deh." Buat yang berpasangan/berkeluarga pun keuangan bisa make or break relationship. Sudah siap hidup tenang?

Saat Amrik Dan Indonesia Sibuk Memilih

Nggak di Indonesia nggak di Amerika, saat Pilkada/Pilpres begini yang diumbar keburukan calonnya. Kenapa ya pada demen yang negatif-negatif begini? Bangga pula kenegatifannya diumbar dalam bentuk sharing berita miring atau komen-komen nyinyir nggak jelas. Situ bangga gitu kelihatan bodoh dan jelek hati?

Kalau Pilpres disini yang diserang sampai soal Hillary yang nggak tahu Bill Clinton dulu selingkuh, padahal nggak ada urusannya urusan ranjang sama kepresidenan. Juga diungkit soal Hillary yang konon licik rakus bermasalah dengan e-mailnya dan seterusnya. Yang sebenarnya valid lho, jangan salah. Boleh-boleh aja nggak mau memilih Hillary karena mencurigai keprofesionalan dan niatannya. Tapi apa iya calon situ layak maju? Pendukung Trump kebanyakan saya lihat cuma sibuk nyalahin Hillary tapi tutup mata akan brengseknya Trump. Serius loe mau punya presiden yang pegang kode nuklir tapi disentil sedikit langsung kayak anjing rabies? Yang setelah debat kemarin nggak ada hujan nggak ada angin langsung lagi ngata-ngatain orang lain yang ga ada urusannya?

Di Indonesia juga sama, Ahok terus kena serang soal ke-Cina-annya, soal agamanya, soal gayanya yang keras dan marah-marah (Halo Ibu Risma…). Sampai sekarang masih ada beredar di fesbuk soal gimana Ahok akan mengkristenisasi Jakarta, yang padahal sampai sekarang masa jabatan hampir selesai belum ada realisasinya. Kita-kita yang konon orang pintar dan berkelas, yang mengenyam bangku sekolah atau para professional keren, juga nggak ada protes soal puisi Fadli Zon yang Tukang Gusur. Dan para calon-calon itu disitu tertawa dan terlihat mengapresiasi puisi orang ini. Kenapa oh kenapa para calon yang konon berkelas ini terpuruk dalam event tidak berkelas begitu? Dan kenapa kita ok dengan hal itu?

Ada banyak hal yang mendeskripsikan kepemimpinan. Bukan cuma soal gantengnya atau soal siapa bapaknya, kepemimpinan buat saya berkonotasi dengan keadilan dan integritas. Calon pemimpin yang bisanya menyalahkan orang lain nggak akan bisa disalahkan, apalagi mempertanggungjawabkan perbuatannya. Calon pemimpin yang bisa jahat dan sinis terhadap orang-orang yang nggak disukainya ya akan bisa juga jahat dan sinis pada orang-orang yang dipimpin. Pemimpin harus adil, pemimpin harus berintegritas, pemimpin harus bisa dipercaya. Bukan cuma pemilihan gubernur DKI Jakarta atau Presiden Amerika, pemilihan pilkada daerah lain atau bahkan pemilihan calon suami (jyaaah… curahan hati) harus memilih yang adil, berintegritas, dan bisa dipercaya.

Cara pandang kita pun harus dirubah, udah nggak umur kalee para pembaca blog ini yang memilih Asal Bukan Si Itu. Nggak suka sama Ahok? Gpp. Cari calon yang visi dan misinya sesuai dengan anda. Ingin memilih yang Islami, misalnya. Pastikan program-program si calon memang Islami. Setiap hari Jumat libur, misalnya, jadi weekendnya 3 hari [langsung ngepak koper dan balik Indo]. Ingin pemimpin yang santun misalnya, cari calon yang ketahuan dan terbukti bisa melaksanakan tugasnya dan membuat bawahannya tertib tanpa perlu teriak-teriak. Kasian lho kita sekolah tinggi-tinggi tapi social skillnya masih sekelas anak TK yang "Ih dia ga asik, aku ga mau main sama dia" tanpa penjelasan atau pemikiran matang. Sudah saatnya kita dewasa dan mempertanggungjawabkan pilihan kita.

Cara paling aman dan ampuh adalah dengan bertanya pada diri anda sendiri: "Kalau bos/atasan saya di kantor seperti calon A, saya ok atau nggak?". Ini sudah cara paling efektif untuk mengeliminir keraguan dan berpikir secara logis. Misalnya saja si Trump, kalau bos saya bertingkah seperti dia mending saya balik bodi. Kalaupun program-program kerja di perusahaan dia bagus, tetap saja saya nggak yakin suatu saat dia sebagai bos nggak akan menyengsarakan saya, karena dia tampak nggak ada tanggung jawabnya. Pakai cara yang sama dengan para calon-calon kita di Indonesia.  Ibaratnya sekarang anda dapat tawaran kerja dari 3 kantor, pastinya idealnya anda memilih kantor yang paling nyaman untuk bekerja, program kantor jelas dan stabil (kemungkinan dipecat atau perusahaan bangkrut kecil), dan menguntungkan buat anda (benefit, gaji, etc). Mana yang akan anda pilih?

Ini bukan cuma buat Jakarta saja ya. Situ-situ non-KTP Jakarta yang marah-marah kenapa Jakarta terus yang disorot mending udahan stalking pilkada Jakarta dan fokus ke pilkada anda sendiri. Sudahkan anda memilih kepala daerah anda secara bertanggungjawab? Logikanya dengan jumlah anda-anda yang sekian, suara anda menentukan nasib anda. Iya tahu di banyak daerah di Indonesia suara rakyat masih dibungkam, tapi kalau anda-anda nggak kritis dan sekedar memilih pemimpin atau anggota perwakilan dengan alasan "seagama" atau "menarik" atau "saya kenal bapaknya", ya kita bakal masih begini-begini saja. Perubahan sistem pemerintahan Indonesia, sebagaimana dicontohkan di Jakarta, masih bisa terjadi. Tapi harus ada orang-orang yang niat bergerak dan mau merubah situasi yang tidak menguntungkan masyarakat. Nggak bisa lagi kita cuma cuek dan berkata, "gue mah nggak ikut-ikutan…"

Pilihan bisa cuma sekedar pilihan, seperti ulangan nggak belajar yang penting diisi saja. Pilihan juga bisa menentukan siapa diri anda dan menakar tanggung jawab anda terhadap diri sendiri dan sekeliling anda. Pilkada adalah salah satu contoh pilihan yang 'berat'. Pastikan anda memilih dengan bijak dan bertanggung jawab. Pastikan orang-orang yang anda pilih akan mampu membawa anda dan orang-orang sekeliling anda ke arah yang lebih baik 5 tahun kedepan. Ibarat beli HP, jangan beli iPon hanya karena orang bilang Android itu jelek, belilah iPon karena memang anda sudah meriset dan memastikan itu yang terbaik untuk anda. Bisa kan, para pembaca?

Let There Be Hope

When there is life, there is hope
When there is hope, there is dream
When there is dream, there is a reason to live
And on and on the cycle goes

The little worm peeking out of the ground
The tiny leaf rolled out from a branch
The sound of a cat, a dog, a bird
The first smile you see this morning

The world is alive in many ways
The world is beautiful in many ways
The world is a miracle in many ways
The world is yours, and you are the world

Every breath we take is a miracle
This creation of flesh and bones
Of cells and organs
Of hopes and dreams

Hope is made from trust
Hope is made from faith
Hope is made from desire for happiness
And in life we found hope

The storm will pass, we have faith in that
The storm will not take us down, we trust ourselves for that
There will be sun and joy after the storm, we wanted that
And we are alive, thus we hope

Of every glittering green of plants
Of every glittering gold of sands
Of every glittering blue of water
We found hope, we found solace

For the world is alive
And the world is hopeful
We too are alive
And we are entitled to hope

Close your eyes and feel the world
Close your eyes and think
With your trust, with your faith, with your desire for happiness
Then open your eyes and see the new hopeful world

Let your soul fly like a bird in this limited container
Let it sing in joy and dance in love
Let you believe in yourself and your beautiful soul
Let you reeled in the power of hope

Be alive, my dearest, be alive
Be brave and courageous against things you can't control
Be persistent on seeing the beauty of this world
And let there be hope, once more

When You Go Low I Go High

"It's too bad I blocked him in Facebook because he kept spamming me with messages, otherwise I would write how classy he is to bash his ex when his profile picture is with his new fiancee." - my beau.

Last weekend my phone was flooded with messages from my friends back home. Apparently my Ex wrote a nasty piece about me on his Facebook and needless to say, my friends are pissed. I was pissed too and even after all our rantings combined I was still so angry that I penned an article disputing everything he said. It was truly a mark on his craftmanship in twisting facts since I manage to dispute literally every sentences in his post. The blog article and accompanying Facebook post lasted a mere 2 hours before I took them down.

Gossips are like many-headed hydra, you cut one head off and there will be another two in its place. That's why people like The Kardashians and magazines with scandalous headlines, it appease their appetite for unhealthy curiosity and fulfil their insecurity where they can feel better when other people fall. Fact checking is not high on their list, so even if I did a thorough clarification instead of going "Ohhh, so that's what happened...", they'll just going to enjoy the drama and the scandal. It doesn't matter who's right or who's wrong. Why bother then?

These essays, these articles, they are about me. It's my therapy, it's my way to cope with the pain. They are conversations with myself: trying to understand what's happening, striving to accept things as it is, learning how to move on. At the same time, the essays are not meant for my eyes only; it is also meant for others, for people who struggle in silence, in hope that they realized they are not alone. I can't, I wont let him take that away from me. I will not tainted these essays and reducing it into "he said she said", nor do I want for it to be about him instead of about my feeling. His deeds have happened and there is no point of beating a dead horse. It is a really good point to help the injured rider, though.

In separation there will always be "he said she said", there will always be abundance of bitching and/or badmouthing. Regardless on whether you are the one who bitch or the one who got bitched, it is a good idea to step back and set your priority. Are all those bitchings worth it? What do you hope to achieve with it? It's not going to bring your partner back or help you forget; on the contrary, your partner will linger in your mind more than ever. And if you want to retaliate/clarify the bitching done to you, how will it work anyway? Your partner obviously think you are in the wrong and whatever you say won't change that. A lot of time bitching is done as a form of attention-seeking. Do you really want to give this person your time and soul?

It can be frustrating and there will be times when you can't take it anymore, like I did. Yet, as my beau said: "Does it really matter what his friends and family think about you? Do you really can't sleep or can't live knowing they see you in a bad light?" No, it doesn't. People who knew me immediately rallied up behind me, and people who are neutral asked for clarification and more info or simply uninterested on such petty drama; and frankly, these are the people you should care about. You'd be surprise on how high the return margin of "not being an a-hole to people" is, especially when combined with "genuine care".

If this doesn't help you, just remember that the truth is out there. Whatever he said about me, the fact of the matter is: he is now in Indonesia for a month or more with a 22 year old fiancee (they've exchange rings) a little over a month after we filed our divorce. Or as my beau pointed out: bashing his ex-wife while at the same time flaunting his new girlfriend. It might be too much to read my lengthy essays or online resume, trying to figure out who I really am. It might be too difficult to see how vague and unsubstantiated his claims are, or how it is passive aggresiveness and humble-brag at its best. Yet his 'classiness' is so visible that anyone who still think what he said still worth his salt is undoubtedly questionable. I mean, really? Relationship issue aside, this guy has a toddler and a kid under 10 year old but he went holidaying in Indonesia for two months, and you actually believe he is the honorable, heroic martyr he claimed he is?

When you go low, I go high; and I can't be more proud of myself when I soar high above him by taking my clarification post/article down. I don't need to clarify anything to anyone. I am not allowing him to take more of my time and feeling. He is no longer a part of my life. Having said that, I am also not allowing him to go through his bullish behaviour. I have seen him twisting facts not only about me but also the women he was with. I spent some time thinking what horrible brutes the mothers of his kids are, before finally realizing that he might be the real brute.

His post is a good example of his abuse towards me: no loud voice, no cussing, only words carefully chosen to sound calm yet at the same time demean you and taking you down, and lies craftfully made from real facts but edited to make you feel guilty and worthless and questioned yourself. As with the post which was set so it can be read for his friends only, the abuse happened behind closed door. The incident with his son happened when he berates me because I mentioned his abusiveness in a post (The Day The Glass Slippers Break). He kicked me out from our apartment, literally putting all my clothes in a suitcase and cut off my mobile phone line (while I was still at work) in March 2016 because I posted a screenshot of him calling me an insignificant cunt and a whore to his Facebook page. He said don't air dirty laundry, what he meant to say is don't let other people see the real him.

It may look like I go low as well by posting his rant in the comment below, but I think it is important to stand against abuse. Bitching and badmouthing is one thing, standing up against your oppressor is another thing. I am not ashamed for who he said I am in his post, because it is untrue. I am not ashamed for how he treated me, because it is not my fault. It's high time he learn that his action is not acceptable, and that he will be held for judgement for things he said and do. This article will not completely stop or change the person he is, but at least he will be more reluctant (hopefully) now that he knows his victim can strike back. Here's to him causing no more (or at least less) pain.

The Art of Loving and Losing

"It hurts when I lost him. It hurts to be separated from him."

Me and my friend were talking about something else, checking up on our goals and ambitions and current events in our lives when the confession suddenly came out. I have never told anyone about this. Some might have read it all too clearly in my face and in my writing, but I never realized it until now. What he did to me was painful, but losing him was also painful.

 

To this day, I have valiantly brushed off sympathetic words with "I'm fine" and "I've never been better". Other exchanges usually went like: "I'm sorry to hear that," and me answering, "Don't worry, I'm not lol". Which is true. I am fine. I love myself. I am not sorry that I am where I am right now because there is nothing to be sorry about, I have done my best. I still struggle with the mess that he gave me, both financially and mentally, but I will make it through. But now after things are pretty much sorted out, I start to see the truth hidden underneath the pain and I have to be honest with myself. It wasn't just because what happened between us, the pain also stemmed from not having him in my life anymore.

 

A part of the pain perhaps is similar to Phantom Limb syndrome, where amputees still feel pain and feeling on their amputated limb, as if it was still attached to their body. It hurts to sleep alone at night. It hurts to came home to an empty apartment. It hurts to eat by myself. It hurts to not be able to talk about our mutual friends. It hurts to not be in the car, picking up his son or going somewhere with the tyke. It hurts to not be able to say hi to his daughter when they Skype together. It hurts to not be able playing with the cats and see how the cats being a-holes towards him. It hurts to spend holidays alone. It hurts to not have kisses and hugs as often as I want to, even on those days when I can feel his heart was not there anymore.

 

The other part of the pain is losing him as a person. I like his smile. I like his childish excitement. I like his jokes. Well, sometimes. I like how his eyes lit up when he talked about his ideas and project. I like how he'll do the silliest and craziest thing out of whim. I like how he interact with his children. I like how his children look up to him full of love and adoration. I like laughing with him. I like his shy smile. I like his grin when he did something silly. I like our late-night scooter drive through downtown LA. I like our lengthy road trips to Arizona and back. I like being lost under the stars in the plains of San Agustine with him. There were a lot of painful moments, but there were a lot of happy times as well; and if I feel hurt for losing those happy moments, it is perfectly normal.

 

Too often in the event of separation, we vilify each other. It is, after all, our coping mechanism. We want our feelings, our decision to be justified. Some of us need to talk about it over and over again in hope that we will eventually become numb, in order for us to eventually accept what had happened as a fact, removed from all of our emotion. For some of us, that wasn't enough. The love that we have turned into hatred, and we painted an evil picture of this person in our mind. Sometimes the person him/herself deserve it, having broken us so thoroughly that we no longer can see the positive in him/her. Sometimes it is us that can't deal with the loss and force ourselves to see this person as evil in order to keep our sanity, to justify our action and/or as a reasoning as to why he/she is not a part of our lives anymore.

 

Bad things happen. Good things also happen, though. There are some parts of him which I like and respect as a person. We also had good times together, and yes, I miss his presence as he was a part of my life for 4 years. I will not bury those precious memories and feelings just because of what happened between us. We are not defined by the last 3-4 months of us together, we are defined by the whole 3-4 years of us together. We have laughed together, cried together, loved each other, achieving goals (i.e. getting me here, for one) together. I will not erase all of that because it happened. All the good, all the bad, all the things that had happened is a part of my life and shaped me into who I am right now. The pain is great, but the thought of pretending none of it happened is unbearable.

 

Do I love him? No, I don't. I did love him, truly and wholeheartedly; but not anymore. It hurts to lose him, but I do not wish to be together with him anymore. It saddens me and I can feel the pain in my heart and my fingers like the pricking of a thousand needles as I wrote this. At the same time, I feel like I am betraying my current beau to still feel sad about my loss, to still respect him as a person, to not obliterate the good memories I have with him. Yet as I squealed in delight and rejoiced on the possibility of playing the newly released Pandemic Cthulhu with my beau, I realized that this is what makes me happy now. This is the special thing that I have together with my beau, just like I have the special thing I have together with him. It is not about baricading and nailing all the doors shut or destroying all traces; it's about closing the book gently and put it back on the shelf, then continue with your life.

 

Losing someone is never easy, as a part of you got taken away. Yet in times it will heal. New memories and new routines will be made, and the phantom limb syndrome will slowly disappear. New people and fresh look on life will give you new things to love, and the roses will bloom in your heart again. Cherish the memories, but don't hold on to them. Treat it like an old cassette tape: you look at it fondly and laughed when you remember how you painstakingly rewind it just to listen to that specific song over and over again, as you listened to the same song in repeat through your latest no-jack iPods. Don't hate. Love. Don't lose yourself to negativity. Memories, after all, is what we truly have in this short lives of ours. Keep the best and grow with it. My best love to you all, dear reader. My best love to you all…

Sent from my T-Mobile 4G LTE device

#TeamJen a.k.a Selingkuh Itu Tidak Indah

Kalau pada bingung kenapa #Brangelina yang cerai tapi malah #TeamJen yang jadi trending topic, padahal Brad-Jen sudah pisah dari 2005, itu karena Jennifer Anniston yang diselingkuhi dan jadi tokoh protagonist 11 tahun lalu. 11 tahun lalu lho. Kalau cuma bisa memilih satu alasan untuk tidak selingkuh, ini yang paling tepat. Apapun alasannya, jadi pasangan selingkuh (apalagi perempuan) itu cari mati lho. Orang nggak sebaik itu sama PIL, apalagi WIL. Prince Charles misalnya, walaupun dari awal memang cintanya sama Camilla dan bukan Diana tetap saja Camilla yang terlihat jahat. Jennifer Anniston yang sudah happily ever after sama Justin Theroux pun keseret-seret sama Brangelina, karena publik masih ingat bagaimana dia dulu diperlakukan sama Brad Pitt, yang sudah pamer-pamer kemesraan sama Angelina bahkan sebelum proses cerainya selesai. Orang-orang yang terlibat mungkin sudah nggak inget/nggak perduli lagi; tapi sampai kapanpun cerita "Iya, si A itu lho yang waktu itu selingkuh sama pacarnya si B…" itu nggak akan ada matinya.

"Tapi kan cinta kita abadi selamanya, seperti kata Mbah Dukun!" jawab anda. Sip sip, jawab saya, paling nggak abadi sampai PIL/WIL lainnya datang kan? Sayangnya selingkuh itu tabiat alias akan terus berulang. Ada orang yang sekali selingkuh ketahuan nggak ketahuan sudah menyesal setengah mati. Ada orang yang nggak bisa berhenti selingkuh. Pas selingkuh itu seru lho. Deg-degan nggak jelas, main petak umpet, pokoknya exciting/asik banget deh. Dan karena PIL/WILnya diumpetin, nggak ada yang kasi tahu kekurangan-kekurangan si PIL/WIL yang mungkin setelah benar anda resmi go public sama dia justru akan bikin malu anda. Kita PDKT ada dong yang nanya-nanya, "Bener tuh cewek loe gpp, gue liat dia makan mie ayam sampe 3 mangkok lho" atau "Loe yakin ma tu cowok, kemarin denger-denger dia ngompol pas nonton The Conjuring". Karena diumpetin kelihatannya selangit, padahal bisa jadi setelah go public baru berasa tukar mobil Alphard sama Avanza. Setelah itu kecewa, daaaan cari lagi lah PIL/WIL baru. Abadinya sampai situ saja hihihi.

Jadi selingkuhan juga berarti harus menghapus semua jejak keberadaan anda biar nggak ketahuan. FYI, waktu saya bilang "Halo" sama selingkuhan suami saya di Facebook langsung semua foto dan postnya dibikin private, ID untuk sosmed seperti LinkedIn Twitter dan sebagainya juga dihidden. Selaku saya yang hobi gonta-ganti profile pic, nggak kebayang nge-hide/ganti settingan privasi semua foto saya. Nge-hide akun sosmed juga repot, gimana mo eksis di sosmed kalau orang mau cari saya nggak bisa. Setelah kami resmi daftar cerai list akun sosmednya nongol lagi dong. Sayangnya semua diset jadi 'Private' setelah saya sempat mengancam si mantan saya akan ngerjain perempuan ini di sosmed karena mantan saya reseh. Harusnya nggak pakai diancam ya, langsung dikerjain aja. Toh dia tahu risikonya macarin suami orang, apalagi yang aktif di sosmed dan penulis pula.

Hal ini membawa kita ke alasan berikutnya. Kata orang "Choose your battle wisely", pilih perangmu dengan bijak. Kalau memang benar mau selingkuh dan siap menderita demi cinta terlarang (jyaaaah…), paling nggak pilih lawan yang nggak bisa menghajar anda balik, dan gali sedalam-dalamnya tentang lawan anda. Saya sih nggak sekelas Trinity atau Dewi Lestari, tapi saya sempat lho bikin buku tentang kisah cinta saya dan mantan suami saya. Jadi kalau sekarang saya rutin mengupdate saga/drama perceraian saya (yang mungkin menyeret nama mbak ini) ya risiko pilihan si Mbak ini ya. Belum lagi teman-teman di Indonesia yang sudah gatal ingin memberi pelajaran. Saya sih mau bilang ini karena saya orang baik yang disayang teman dan rajin menolong nenek-nenek menyeberang jalan (kibas rambut), tapi seringkali orang mau ikut ngerjain karena alasan yang sama dengan orang ikut ngegebukin copet padahal bukan dia yang dicopet: seru.

Kalau sampai sejauh ini anda masih keukeuh jadi PIL/WIL, setelah:

1.Tahu anda akan dianggap buruk (mungkin) selamanya

2.Tahu anda bisa digantikan dengan PIL/WIL berikutnya

3.Tahu anda harus rela menghapus jejak keberadaan

4.Tahu anda bisa jadi bulan-bulanan sang suami/istri/pacar resmi

Dan anda masih keukeuh jadi Sephia ("For love I will!" kata anda dengan semangat), gimana kalau nggak jadi PIL/WIL demi kehormatan anda sendiri?

Waktu suami saya selingkuh sama si Mbak, 'jualan'nya sama: dia teraniaya dan kita akan bercerai. Padahal proses cerai kami baru mulai setelah dia ketahuan selingkuh dengan si mbak dan berkeras nggak mau putusin si mbak. Saat ketauan saya masih open untuk memperbaiki, pakai acara nangis-nangis dan mohon-mohon; tapi karena terus nggak mau ngelepas si mbak ya saya yang harus bye bye. Minta tandatangan cerai juga lama, karena dia juga nggak mau ngelepas saya. Setelah tanda tangan pun masih yang minta rujuk minta marriage counselling dan seterusnya, kirim message ke semua keluarga dan teman-teman kami betapa dia sangat cinta saya, tapi tetep si mbak nggak mau dilepas. Buat cadangan. Saya jujur nggak ngerti sama si Mbak, apa nggak sakit hati ya diperlakukan seperti ban serep begitu?

Saya pun pernah kok jatuh cinta pada pacar orang. Tapi ya itu, kita nggak announce atau menyatakan kita resmi pacaran, karena memang nggak. Setelah dia resmi putus baru kita pelan-pelan jadian, itu pun masih underground biar nggak disangka mereka pisah karena saya. Saking undergroundnya sampai waktu ada event dia dan mantannya masih dicie-ciein padahal saya ada disitu. Stay classy bo, seperti tulisan di cover photo fesbuk si Mbak setelah saya upload cover lagu Send My Love to Your New Lover nya Adele di yutub. Kalau kamu sebegitu berartinya untuk orang ini, orang ini akan sebisa mungkin mengusahakan agar kamu nggak terluka, agar dia bisa ada secara utuh untuk kamu. Proses putus/cerainya diurus, dipastikan kamu selamat/nggak jadi bulan-bulanan massa, dan sebisa mungkin menunjukkan cinta kalian berdua suci dan tulus. It can be done and it should be done. Hal ini bisa dilakukan dan harusnya dilakukan.

Orang-orang yang sensi sama saya mungkin bilang, "Ah elunya juga yang nggak bener makanya dia cari yang baru," atau "Salah sendiri nggak bisa ngejaga suami." Ini saya nggak bisa argue/debat karena haters gonna hate. Tapi mau kondisi saya dan si mantan seperti apapun, si WIL akan tetap terlihat salah; apalagi kalau saya terlihat sebagai pihak yang teraniaya. Dan memang diselingkuhi itu sakit lho, apalagi saat pasangan bersikeras membabi-buta memilih orang lain daripada kita. Mendadak hidup sendiri di Amerika juga beratnya amit-amit. Datang kesini cuma bawa cinta, dan sekarang dengan gaji nggak seberapa harus sewa+furnish apartemen sendiri, bayar tagihan + asuransi dan sebagainya sendiri, plus meratapi nasib. Si mantan yang belum genap 2 bulan proses surat cerai sudah ke Indonesia untuk wisuda si mbak pun jelas nggak membantu si Mbak terlihat lebih baik. Itulah kenapa saya nggak repot-repot nunjuk si Mbak ini siapa. Kasihan.

Besar harapan saya si Mbak dan mantan saya akan bahagia selamanya, karena kalau nggak bahagia saya kemarin dibikin nangis-nangis nggak ada gunanya dong. Saya juga nggak mau mantan saya balik ke saya, 'Cukup Sudah' kalau kata Glenn Fredly. Ini artikel bukan untuk menjatuhkan si Mbak ya, jadi kalau kamu atau temanmu baca Mbak jangan sensi sendiri. Artikel ini justru untuk menolong mengingatkan orang-orang lain bahwa Crime doesn't pay, kejahatan itu nggak seimbang bayarannya. Ada banyak cara menggapai cinta, tapi menjadi PIL/WIL itu bukan salah satu diantaranya. Hargai pasangan orang tersebut, hargai diri anda sendiri. Kalaupun memang harus jadi Sephia, pastikan kalau semuanya memang sudah tidak terselamatkan antara pasangan anda dan pasangan resminya dan perpisahan sudah diproses, paling tidak demi nama baik dan kehormatan anda sendiri. Ingat, Selingkuh itu Tidak Indah. Main rapi ya para pembaca…

When Money Killed My Marriage

Looking back, I think what killed my marriage was money. I want to say that it just didn't work out. I want to say that we are just too different, that we have nothing in common. I want to say that he is a horrible human being, but then again I probably am too, and that's why we called it a day. But no. Money killed the marriage. Plain and simple.

It was there lurking in the background, creating the feeling of inadequacy. As we fight and bicker, as we vent our frustration with each other, it was there silently inflamed the frustration. As we cuddle and smile and being loving to one another, it was there silently spread a sense of underlying uneasiness. The sad part is, we have enough. It's not like we can't buy groceries or pay rent. It's just that we can't go on impulsive vacations or eating out often or take a day or a week off from work because we feel like it.

"Why are we still living in this tiny apartment?"
"Why are we still living in this sh*thole area?"
"We are not meant to live poor like this."
"Why are we not successful?"
"Why are you not a famous writer yet?"
"Why don't we have our own house, here or in Bali?"
"Why don't we have a plan?"
On good days, I will bite my tongue and stay mum on the above 'criticism'; on bad days I will counter the negative talk and we'll end up in full-blown argument.

The problem with marrying someone from abroad, especially when you meet her/him there, is that you fell in love with a girl/boy on vacation. You are not working, you got money to spend, and even if you are in his/her country to work it'll still have that distinct 'not-home' feel. When you are on vacay or making money is some faraway country you are not bothered with the bills or groceries or other day-to-day dread. You are relaxed, you are enjoying yourself. You then associate the relax and laid back feeling with that person and you think you'll achieve the same happiness with him/her every single time. It's like falling in love with a mirage.

Granted, not everyone is like this. Throughout the courtship, and eventually the marriage, time will tell if you really love this person for who he/she is, or do you love him/her for who you think (or hope) he/she is. It is a challenging enough chore, especially since you suddenly live together after a lengthy period of absence. You think it's cute when he said he love bacon, you didn't realize he ate bacon with pretty much everything, even his buggers. You think it's adorable when she said she love to cuddle, you didn't realize it means she wants to cuddle with you 24/7 like an octopus. Add financial stress to the equation and it's no longer challenging. It is downright painful.

What people don't realize is marrying someone from abroad is an expensive business. Unless the said person owns an immeasurable wealth, the sponsor (the US spouse) will be responsible for most, if not all of the bill. It is even formally required for getting fiancée/spouse visa and the conditional green card: the sponsor has to support the fiancée/spouse for two years until he/she got the non-conditional green card (or if he/she failed to obtained it and has to leave US). The initial K1 visa application itself could reach a whopping $1675. Then there's the interview and medical checkup (complete with vaccines and such). Then there's the plane ticket. Then there's the wedding fee of $135 (in CA), and this is only for courthouse wedding. Then there's another medical checkup in US for green card application, and pay up for green card application + work permit. All and all the official fee could go well into $4-5k mark.

Even if the spouse is able to pay half of the cost, there's added issue with him/her not be able to work right away. It took almost 6 months from my arrival to me receiving my work permit. It took a while for me to adjust myself in the US and I only got my first job about 4-6 months after I live in LA. My friend spent a year in community college before getting her first job. The reason is: our work experience and education means jacksh*t in US. Yes, I am a 30 something woman, but in US work force I am pretty much the equivalent of a fresh-graduate. When you sign that immigration form stating you are willing to support your fiancé/spouse, you have to really mean it because that's what will happen. Not because your fiancé/spouse is an unashamed golddigger, but because most likely he/she will need adjustment process for herself, and have to go through all the bureaucratic process of establishing him/herself as a legal resident of US in order to work legally.

This is where we failed. When we had money during the first year of our marriage, everything was smooth and fun. Entering second year, the fact that I was not working yet, and afterwards working but only earning half of what he earned, was a big annoyance for him and it lingers like a thorn in our relationship. The fact that relationship was more than money game, the fact that I poured all my heart and love to him, to the kids, to the family, these mean nothing for him. He was adamant on me 'leeching' off of him, even though I can clearly show him how much he actually 'spent' on me per month, and even though I actually chipped in right as soon as I got a job. He was not ready for the financial implication of the marriage.

Sadly, this is preventable. Yes, he is a jerk and there's nothing to prevent that. But had he actually sit down and planned out everything, we might have a chance. Sitting down and talking about your finance is scary and embarrassing. Everybody get a little defensive because nobody wants to be told that he/she can't afford things they like. Thus the evasion, the "I don't want to talk about it right now", the "I am in good condition"; it's like putting off going to the dentist for the hole in your tooth, but day in and day out you live with the painful uncomfortable feeling plus the dread knowing you will eventually have to go there anyway. One visit, one very scary moment as the doctor examined your mouth and pulled the bad tooth out, and you're done. You might even find yourself in a better place than you are before. Yeah, the strip club visits need to stop, but you'll be able to eat more than just cereal each day so to speak.

Successful couple shares the same goals, and more importantly, willing to work together to achieve that goal. Financial stability is something that every couple should strive for, especially to achieve other goals. It's easier to deal with issues and emergencies when you don't have to worry whether or not you can pay for next month's rent or buy gas to get to the office. It's easier to forgive and forget in/after the fight if you do it with full stomach and a warm bed to rest at night. I tried everything: finance on excel spreadsheet, various budgeting app from the manual to the automatic ones; he just won't budge. In the meantime, the frustration kept mounting, the fights became more and more bitter, and in the end, here we are right now, completely separated from one another.

Money destroyed my relationship but in a way it saved my life. Coming from Indonesia, I quickly realize how easy it is to navigate US' pretty-straightforward system. I managed to arrange all of my bank accounts to get the monthly fee waived. I dabbled in the world of budgeting app before finally settling into an automated one, even tried robo-investing app. I live strictly by my budget and count every penny (technically my app did that for me). By the time I decided I have enough of him I could easily walk out the door for good, because I know I can afford living by myself. My rainy day fund was enough to furnish the apartment, mini vacay to Seattle, and even self-medication through binge online shopping. I got hit by apartment fee, increase in tax withholding, and other bills that would be so much cheaper if we could share the costs. Yet it doesn't bother me that much. As a matter of fact, I now have an investment account, a ROTH/IRA, and life insurance. This all happened with my (a little bit above) minimum wage job. What he and I could achieve together, considering he makes 2.5x what I make, could be phenomenal. But it didn't happen.

If you are looking to get serious with someone, if you wanted to escape of your daily frustration with life, sit down and do your finance. Money is not everything but having it (wisely) will give you option, which will be very useful when sh*t happens. And since this is life we're talking about, sh*t always happen. There's no embarrassment on knowing what you can or cannot afford, and everybody struggle with this regardless of how much they make. Save your relationship, save your sanity. Sit down and do your homework. It will do you good, and you might not need to lose the one you love. Take it from me: it sucks.

Let Me Rest My Head on You

Datanglah sayang dan biarkan ku berbaring
[Come my dear and let me lay]
Di pelukanmu walaupun tuk sejenak
[In your arms even if it’s only for a while]
Usaplah dahiku dan kan kukatakan semua
[Caress my forehead and I will tell you all]

Bila kulelah tetaplah disini
[When I am tired please stay here]
Jangan tinggalkan aku sendiri
[Don’t let me be by myself]

Bila kumarah biarkanku bersandar
[When I’m angry let me rest my head on you]

Jangan kau pergi untuk menghindar
[Don’t you go and evade me]

When I first hear this song again, the first time after almost a decade, what was on my mind was my boyfriend resting his head on my shoulder as we sat on the couch; which was our description for a perfect date. This post was supposed to be on how our partner, our boyfriend and/or girlfriend needed such attention. How fancy dates and cool nights out are exciting, but sometimes they just need somebody to lean on. Then it strikes me, I need somebody to lean on too.

One of the challenges in my personal growth right now is defining what I want. I have always been content with what I have, and since I am used on being independent, I don’t ask people for help. I don’t feel like I should ask people for help because “I got it”, so there is no point of bothering other people. The insecure part of me keeps on thinking that being helpful is good and attractive, being helpless is not. And I don’t think I am special for thinking like this. There must be other people, many people, who simply cannot say what they want because they are afraid to hear the “no” or because they are afraid to be a burden.

This is a wrong way of thinking. Relationship is not a one-way street. Life is not a one-way street. What you give, you take. It might not be exactly eye-for-an-eye type of transaction, but if you give something you deserve some kind of retribution in return. I like caring and spoiling my partner, it makes me happy; but it doesn’t mean that he can’t or shouldn’t care for me in return because I don’t exactly ask for it. Just because I don’t need a million dollar doesn’t mean I will say no to it, especially if I earned it fair and square.

The meek and submissive mouse in me rebel as I wrote this article. Don’t attract attention and be happy for what you have, it said. But I can’t. Looking back, I think my marriage was salvageable had only I receive the attention like in the song lyric. I am strong, I am smart, I am independent; but sometimes I need to lay my head on the shoulder of my loved one as I rant and talk and let the burden off my chest and my shoulder for a little while. Sometimes it is not enough to be a meek, accepting little mouse. Sometimes you just want to be a cat and bothered your host so thoroughly until you get his/her attention, with claws might or might not included in the method.

It is not even an outrageous request. We’ve all been there. We’ve all been in a place where we just had enough with life, the point where we don’t want to adult anymore. I’ve been there, and I want my partner to stay. I want my partner to hold me close and listen to my rant, and then hug me closer afterwards. Yes, my rant about my $15/hr job probably sounded less important than your $30/hr job. But you know what’s even more important than that? My sanity. My existence. If I am not important enough for you to help me deal with my emotion, why should yours be important for me? And this applied to so many people. Too often in a relationship we ended up thinking one is more important than the other, that our partner is more important than us or vice versa; when we should instead realize that a good relationship is a balanced one, that’s where all the respect coming from.

My dissolution of marriage taught me a lot of things. It pretty much forced me to stand up for myself. Yes, I still love taking care and spoiling my partner; but this time I felt more comfortable to ask to be treated the same in return, albeit still with the “If you don’t mind, can you please…” attitude. Hey, managing to solidify what I want in the relationship instead of accepting it as it is, and actually demanding it too, is a pretty big leap for me. So far it worked pretty well. It made the relationship went smoother and eliminate the guessing game a.k.a “If he/she like me enough he/she should’ve known that I prefer…”; and it also give me the confidence that I need. Knowing that I have the same share on the table enables me to be more assertive, and it helps to know I am strong enough to walk out of the table if by some horrible stroke of luck the table got messed up again.

Trust me, this is not easy for me. The words are grand and it conjured such a dashing image of me being a power-woman, but the reluctance to put somebody in trouble (a.k.a asking for attention) sometimes still get the best of me. For example, I hesitate for quite a while on whether or not letting my boyfriend know I was a bit sick this morning. I know a balance must be made. Flooded a person with unimportant information and he/she might think everything that come out of your mouth is unimportant. Let’s tell him when it’s REALLY important, the meek mouse said triumphantly. He ended up knowing anyway, most possibly from my non-characteristic silence. And no, little mouse, he didn’t break up with me just because of that. Take that, you little twat.   

Scorned Lover's Vengeance

"You are keeping him down like Hillary keeping Bill Clinton down!" To this accusation I angrily retort: "Go suck a d*ck, Monica."

The afternoon before I had to delete old pics from my phone due to storage issue, and it threw me down to memory lane. That, combined with dizzying cold-like symptom and (apparently) my personal distaste towards the election, made up a really unpleasant dream where I had to share a house with my ex and his mistress complete with the exchange above. It was horrible. In the dream, I had to restrain my impulse to pulled her hair and bitch slap her as she went about goading me about how wonderful love and life with my ex is. I had to bit my tongue as to not say snarky comments towards her. Of course, my ex only shyly introduced us and immediately went away. Typical of him to get out of the harm's way. There was a scene where she reprimanded me for being on the bed with shoes on while she was trying to make it up, to which I replied: "I am still his wife, and this is still my bed."

The dream meaning was obvious. I hate her. I really, really hate her. I hate that she made my stupid husband choose her. I hate that she managed to destroy my life. I hate that people seemed to cheer her along, even in my dream. I hate the words "takes two to make or break the marriage" as if there are only two of us to be blamed. In my case, it takes three to break the marriage to the point of no return. And I hate that I tried so hard not to hate her. I hate the guilt I feel every time I talk nasty about her with my friends. I hate the constant reminder: "Oh, but this all happened because of your husband". Yes, it is true. If it's not her there will be other girls. But it was her. It was her decision. And I hate her for that.

A part of me wants to write a really nasty piece about her, humiliate her and take her down in a way that she can never get back on her feet again. I have the same sentiment for my ex-husband too. For the lonely nights I have to go through, for the grief in my heart I have to live with, for having to re-live my life from point zero, they deserve nothing less. I don't want to wait for Karma. I want to see them burned right now. I want them to feel my anger, my sorrow, my grief right now. They have absolutely no business on being happy when I am in such pain. I want to destroy them so thoroughly and see them writhing in agony in the grips of my hands.

Which pretty much summed it up. It wasn't about love lost. I have lost all interest in him. It wasn't about comfort. I am lonely but I live a more colorful life these days and my life is pretty much in order. It wasn't about what-ifs and the life I could have had with him. We clashed in so many ways that it will take a herculean effort to get us on the same track, let alone to actually make the damn love train work. It was about pride. It was about dignity. It was about paying back. This is not a heart-wrenching scorned-lover moment, this is a you-slap-me-I'll-slap-you-back moment. I am well aware that this will achieve nothing, and I don't care. I was wronged; and since two wrongs don't make a right, it's time to wronged them. Let them see who I am and maybe next time they both will think twice before wronging me.

But there won't be a next time. I have no ties with any of them, and by the time the divorce is completed it will be as if none of this has happened. This feeling too will fade away. It'll probably scarred me for life, but it'll stay only as scar tissue. Will I actually destroy 2 lives just because of my pride? What they did was wrong for me. They wronged me, plain and simple. He shouldn't have had a girlfriend and he should have dropped her off when I asked him to. She shouldn't have messing around with a knowingly married man and keep on doing that even after she knows the hell I've gone through. But they did it for a reason. They did it for their happiness.

Granted, it is a horribly selfish reason. You shouldn't be happy by sacrificing somebody else's feeling. But then again, I wasn't happy in that relationship. If she didn't come into the picture, I probably still unhappily married to him, holding on to the thinnest thread of hope that one day he will love me like he did before. Looking at his pictures with his newly-announced girlfriend, both of them smiling made me feel torn. It sucks to see their happy faces when here I struggle to get my life together, where even the ease of getting a flu shot is taken away from me. But why can't they be happy? Why should I become the black cloud looming on their life, ready to pour my wrath and throw my tantrum at them? It's all said and done. What they did was wrong, but in actuality, there isn't anything that was taken away from me. My pride is still intact. My life skills increased. My emotional strength fortified. I am still the woman walking gaily on the street of LA, with a smile on my face and my characteristic "I love life" attitude.

People told me that they wouldn't last, that both of them will regret what they did once they realize the true face of one another. I wish they would last, and last happily too. I have paid dearly for their happiness and for that alone, I wish them the abundance of happiness to offset the pain I went through. The scale must be balanced, else I paid too much for too little. I wish them both strength to hold on to each other for the troublesome times to come. It's a relationship, troublesome times will always happen no matter what. I wish them clarity to remember the good of each other, and forgetfulness to conveniently blocked out the petty things they secretly hate from each other. I pray for the maturity of both of them. Happiness doesn't come easy. If happiness is feeling the rain on your skin, true happiness is feeling the rain on your skin again after holding out for so long through the drought. Good times will come, but better days is there in the future.

Go announced your girlfriend proudly, dear ex-husband. She deserves that recognition and the credit for making you happy again. Go announced your boyfriend proudly, dear mistress. If you like him that much then tell the whole world how awesome he is. And be happy. Be loyal. Be together. Every one of us has paid dearly for where you both are right now. We have paid in tears and fears and countless days of agonies. We all deserve a little happiness, don't you think? May the odds be ever in your favour, but even if it's not, make it work in your favour. Make sure what we all paid for is worth the price. Best wishes to you both.

Stepmother's Wrath

The worst, the absolute worst part of being divorced is losing my 'family'. Holiday season is coming up and I am facing the prospect, nay, fact, that I will pretty much spending it all by myself. Losing him was something I can deal with, losing my stepchildren was far, far worse. Let's face it, a dick is not that hard to find (pun intended); two precious kids that you have invest all your love and affection to since the beginning of the relationship, not so much.

To say I am angry will be a gross understatement. Here I am, hating every inch of the pumpkin-y witchy fall/Halloween décor that I can't escape from on pretty much every store that I went to. Even effing online stores. It reminds me too much of discussing with my stepkids what they'll be for Halloween, what's their plan and, afterwards, did they have a good loot this year. For the last two year I have been trying to get my stepson to experience DTLA Halloween party, and now we'll never will.

Soon Thanksgiving and Christmas will come. Of course, we all know holidays are such chores. All the money spent for gifts and travels, keeping an eye on them so they won't get caught up in unnecessary fights and dramas with their cousins (I have moral obligation to returned them to their moms in one piece, preferably with good memories), coaxing them to please just effing eat and stop playing, soothing them when they got sensory overload or just too tired to know better, and this is all only for a 4-hours family gathering. It sucks. It's tiring. And I will do that all over again just for the sake of hugging them tight and laugh with them.

Despite the fact that none of his family actually check up on me after all that had happened, I am also intimidated and hurt that I will spend the holidays by myself. I might be able to kidnap my boyfriend, but spending the holiday with just the two of us is different than the usual big ol' family gathering that I am used to, that I am made to use to ever since I came here to the US. I mean, what a grand idea: take a woman out from her family and homeland, made her get accustomed with your tradition, then toss her out when you get the itch for a college girl that you probably can't get into the US anyway. What could possibly go wrong? 

I doubt that he actually thought about all this when he decided to pursue his 'happiness' with someone who 'doesn't treat him like an a-hole'. Well honey, the fact that my happiness and the kids' happiness got thrown under the bus just for your sake pretty much describe your a-holiness. What would you expect will happen with your wife and kids?

Of all the messages I found between him and his toy, the one that hurt me the most was the message: "I love your son". Really b*tch? 2-3 months of texting my husband without interacting with this kid even once and you 'love' him? Did you spend 1 ½ year of long distance relationship bracing the possibility that he will get back to one of the moms, and if he did it's ok because it will be better for the kid(s)? Did you sit in the car or wait outside, not even once setting foot on the moms' doorsteps out of respect for their privacy for the whole 3 years of marriage? Knowing you can, but you want to honor both the moms and the kids. Did you stay with this son when he was sick, or when he was being a pain in the butt but you still hug him close because he was your everything? Did you patiently explain to him how you will save him and his daddy in the event of fire, and ensure his tender heart that everything will be ok, that you will save the day for him; even though his dad just kicked you out of the house a few weeks back and turns out was cheating with a li'l b*tch? Did you stay awake for HOURS because he just. wont. sleep; but you suppress your urge to yell at him because you understand that it was only because he was uncomfortable about something? Because that's what 'Love' is. It's not just lipservice and adoring how cute the kids are. It's giving your best to someone else for the sake of their happiness. What happened to you is not important because their feeling, these kids' feeling, is more important. That's what 'Parent's love' is all about.

And the sad part is, all this rant won't get me anywhere. I have lost my stepchildren. I could ask the moms nicely for a Skype or a playdate if I missed them so terribly, but it won't be the same. With the divorce my right for them is pretty much non-existent. A friend pointed out that it means I can live my life without the hindrance of somebody else's kids; but that also means that they can live their life without me. And they will. I can no longer be a part of their life. A friend, perhaps; but not a stepmom anymore. Of all the things he took away from me, this was the cruelest. 

I missed them so much. TVs and online ads will be swamped with picture of happy kids and family for the holiday season, and here I am all by myself. How I longed to hold them in my arms again, to laugh with them and to tell silly jokes. How I longed for those little hands to touch my face or to feel their warmth as they sleep next to me. How I longed to hear them shyly told me, "I like you, Ibu" and that moment all your hardship, all the pain you went through, felt so worth it and you will do it all over again just to have a sliver of that blissful moment. But it was gone now, and these kids are irreplaceable. Even if I have another stepchildren it won't be the same. The love you have for a man can easily be replicate or substituted, but the love you have for your kids, even if it's not your birth-kids, is irreplaceable.

He told me to leave, so I left. He wanted this woman, so I left. I could stay for the sake of the kids, but I choose to leave. It was a cruel choice that I was forced to make: to stay with someone who doesn't love or respect me, or to leave for my own sake but lost my stepchildren forever. I made the choice, and the joy of holiday season and missed birthdays will forever haunt me. Stay well, little ones. Ibu will never forget you both.

Indonesian Woman, Jakarta Style

Nggak ada yang lebih seru daripada nyari makan di daerah tempat saya tinggal. Street food bo'. Jakarta style. Kalo kata teman saya yang pernah kesini, daerah saya cari makan itu seperti Pasar Kreneng di Denpasar. Atau pasar-pasar malam lainnya yang isinya PKL dan jualan dvd bajakan. Jangan harap bawa bule kesini. Saya baru ngeh saya beli makan sendiri harganya $1-2 lebih murah. Whoop whoop!

Jangan salah, daerah saya tinggal nggak kayak di film-film yang keren gitu deh. Daerah saya isinya imigran Latin Amerika semua, dan bahkan orang-orang Hispanik yang saya kenal pun kalau tahu saya tinggal dimana langsung geleng-geleng, "That place is not good". Tinggal saya yang nyengir. Kalau dibilang not good sih iya. Ibaratnya gini deh, kalau The Raid syutingnya di apartemen saya saya nggak akan heran. Nggak sehoror itu sih, tapi jelas bukan daerah biasa.

But it's home. Ini rumah. Semua orang baik sama saya. Saya merasa nyaman disini. Ternyata benar kata orang, kerasnya Jakarta mah beda. Standar hidup saya disini kurang lebih sama seperti standar hidup di Jakarta. Ukuran apartemen saya saja kurang lebih sama dengan ukuran kamar kos saya waktu kuliah di Jakarta. Ke kantor naik bus 2.5-3 jam. Makan juga sekelas Solaria, tapi seringan bawa sendiri dari rumah, yang masak sekali buat seminggu. Nggak beda ma Jakarta toh. Bedanya cuma saya sekarang punya oven dan slow cooker hehehe. Bathtub juga, tapi alat masak lebih penting. Hidup makan.

Orang asli sini mungkin sudah galau disuruh hidup seperti saya, padahal saya santai aja. Jakarta style. Orang sini diposisi saya yang mendadak cerai juga bisa stres ga jelas. Kebayang dong dimutasi dari tempat tinggal sekian ribu km jauhnya demi cinta, lalu bubar jalan gara2 lelaki gatal dan perempuan abg yang sama gatalnya. Yuk garuk lol. Mendadak sendiri di negeri orang itu nggak enak lho. Apalagi mendadak bayar pajak single yg lebih gede dari pajak married, bayar health insurance,  bayar apartemen tagihan etc sendiri. Gini deh, telp 2 line itu kena $60 per orang, telp 1line kenanya $105. Bukannya mau jadi lintah ya, tapi apa-apa kalau ditanggung berdua jelas lebih irit. Jadi saya seperti sudah jatuh tertimpa tangga diinjak pula. Percaya deh, kalau bukan hasil gemblengan Jakarta saya mungkin sudah balik bodi pulang kampung. Tapi saya anak Jakarta, jadi saya bangkit, berdiri, dan memberikan salam jari tengah. Dobel.

Dan bukan cuma gemblengan Jakarta sih. Buat saya semua orang Indonesia punya potensi ketangguhan tersendiri. Percaya deh, ngurus apa-apa disini jauh lebih gampang step by stepnya daripada di Indonesia. Kita yang biasa dengan ketidakbiasaan (bom, banjir, bini ngamuk) bisa dengan mudah beradaptasi dimana saja. Kendala mungkin cuma bahasa, tapi faktanya saya bisa tetap memesan makanan dengan benar walau saya tidak bisa bahasa Spanyol sedikitpun. Jadi ini pun sebenarnya bisa diatasi. Makanya kalau baca orang Indonesia komen "Dasar Indon!" atau memuja-muji bangsa lain saya sebel. Sori dori stroberi ya, kita jauh lebih tangguh daripada itu. Kita yang ditaruh dimana saja bisa hidup. Well mungkin nggak di Arctic. Dingin bo'.

Waktu saya berjalan pulang dengan tentengan makan malam saya, rasanya saya seperti Rocky yang berdarah-darah tapi mengangkat tangan dengan penuh kebanggaan di atas ring. I've been beaten, I've been broken, but here I am and I will be the winner. Orang lain, bahkan orang sini pun belum tentu bisa menghadapi cobaan ini dengan sukses dan waras. Saya merasa sangat bangga dengan diri saya sendiri. Ini achievement yang lumayan hebat lho. Gimana ya, Jakarta style dan Indonesian woman. We are bred and born to win. Iya ga sih??? 

#proudtobeIndonesian 

#JakartaStyle

The Day Good Won Against Evil

It's calling me again. The summon is strong. The time has come. For days tensions and excitement has build up. The noisy chittering little spirits, the subtle restlessness of those with ties to the world, it has grown and grown. Why not? This is the time where the Bhutakalas will be appeased with blood and offerings, and for us the ancestral spirits to return home and see our descendants. This is Galungan, the day where the Dharma or goodness wins against Adharma or evil. Shouldn't we all be joyous on this blissful day?

But what is good and what is evil? I can't help asking myself this question as the spirit of animals and plants soaring through our world, invisible to naked eyes but not to us. The day before Galungan is aptly named Penampahan or butchering day, because this is the day where the animals are killed for the offerings, and the day when the offerings are made. To some human these people are evil, as they have cruelly slaughtered the innocent animals. (But what about plants' spirit?). To some people, the fact that blood and offering are needed to appease the Bhutakala made these spirits evil. And then there's the calling of the space objects and how it is arranged, combined with the already growing tension between the spirits' excitement and personal pressure to ensure the holiday went smoothly, which invariably set people off. Then those people will be called evil, or at the very least, unpleasant.

So what is evil? Good is somewhat easier to describe. Anything that made other people happy is usually describe as good, and anything that does the opposite is described as evil. However, not all unpleasant things are evil. A dog that bites an intruder us considered evil by the intruder, but good by its master. It's almost like good is definite, but evil is relative; althought it might look the other way around. The spirits or Bhutakalas often times considered as evil, and some indeed are dangerous; but don't humans have criminals as well? If tempting and teasing humans are considered evil, what can human say about other human that feeds on its own people?

The many times I have come back to earth for the holy day, and it still stays the same. Yes, the day itself gives out an undescribable feeling of happiness; but what have they, my descendants, have truly achieved? For Evil is not the monster that lurks in the dark, waiting to pounced and hurt them. Nor does Good the shiny hero that got adored and worshipped by people. Good is Dharma, a set of selfless acts for the good of all. It is honoring the world, both seen and unseen. It's choosing compassion over fear or personal grudge. It is combating one's own weaknesses or Sad Ripu in order to be a better person. It is putting oneself as a true believer of God. As for Adharma, it's the opposite of it all.

There is no Evil that we need to combat other than the Sad Ripu, the six temptation within us. For that is where the true evil lies, the one that prevent them and us to become one with God. There is no Good that we need to praised except those who walked in the path of Dharma, fulfilling their obligation to this world because they love this world, because they know that is what they have to do. And it is easy to understand all of this when you have an eternity (or what it feels like it) drifting in serenity, free of emotions. But when I get reborn, these knowledge might not be accesible to me. What's next then? How can I be free from this reincarnation cycle if I can't remember what I have to do to break free?

But maybe somebody will remember, even if it's only bits and pieces of it. Maybe the person I am reincarnated to will remember, and that person will write it down. Others will mock and sneer at the idea. Others will think that person is not right in the head. Others who pursued glory will deemed this person an impostor. But there will be others who will read and will remember what's it like in the other place, to be free from emotions and other worldly chains, to be (almost) one with God. There will be others who will understand and walked in the path of Dharma; and little by little the number will grow until maybe, just maybe, no one will need to walk the path because all of us already one with God. Maybe.

But now the prayers has called for me. The festivities has started. This is Galungan day. Let us celebrate. Let this day filled with Joy and good things. Let Dharma reign, let every being be content. Let there be peace on earth.  Om Shanti Shanti Shanti Om...