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Wednesday, September 14, 2016

Scorned Lover's Vengeance

"You are keeping him down like Hillary keeping Bill Clinton down!" To this accusation I angrily retort: "Go suck a d*ck, Monica."

The afternoon before I had to delete old pics from my phone due to storage issue, and it threw me down to memory lane. That, combined with dizzying cold-like symptom and (apparently) my personal distaste towards the election, made up a really unpleasant dream where I had to share a house with my ex and his mistress complete with the exchange above. It was horrible. In the dream, I had to restrain my impulse to pulled her hair and bitch slap her as she went about goading me about how wonderful love and life with my ex is. I had to bit my tongue as to not say snarky comments towards her. Of course, my ex only shyly introduced us and immediately went away. Typical of him to get out of the harm's way. There was a scene where she reprimanded me for being on the bed with shoes on while she was trying to make it up, to which I replied: "I am still his wife, and this is still my bed."

The dream meaning was obvious. I hate her. I really, really hate her. I hate that she made my stupid husband choose her. I hate that she managed to destroy my life. I hate that people seemed to cheer her along, even in my dream. I hate the words "takes two to make or break the marriage" as if there are only two of us to be blamed. In my case, it takes three to break the marriage to the point of no return. And I hate that I tried so hard not to hate her. I hate the guilt I feel every time I talk nasty about her with my friends. I hate the constant reminder: "Oh, but this all happened because of your husband". Yes, it is true. If it's not her there will be other girls. But it was her. It was her decision. And I hate her for that.

A part of me wants to write a really nasty piece about her, humiliate her and take her down in a way that she can never get back on her feet again. I have the same sentiment for my ex-husband too. For the lonely nights I have to go through, for the grief in my heart I have to live with, for having to re-live my life from point zero, they deserve nothing less. I don't want to wait for Karma. I want to see them burned right now. I want them to feel my anger, my sorrow, my grief right now. They have absolutely no business on being happy when I am in such pain. I want to destroy them so thoroughly and see them writhing in agony in the grips of my hands.

Which pretty much summed it up. It wasn't about love lost. I have lost all interest in him. It wasn't about comfort. I am lonely but I live a more colorful life these days and my life is pretty much in order. It wasn't about what-ifs and the life I could have had with him. We clashed in so many ways that it will take a herculean effort to get us on the same track, let alone to actually make the damn love train work. It was about pride. It was about dignity. It was about paying back. This is not a heart-wrenching scorned-lover moment, this is a you-slap-me-I'll-slap-you-back moment. I am well aware that this will achieve nothing, and I don't care. I was wronged; and since two wrongs don't make a right, it's time to wronged them. Let them see who I am and maybe next time they both will think twice before wronging me.

But there won't be a next time. I have no ties with any of them, and by the time the divorce is completed it will be as if none of this has happened. This feeling too will fade away. It'll probably scarred me for life, but it'll stay only as scar tissue. Will I actually destroy 2 lives just because of my pride? What they did was wrong for me. They wronged me, plain and simple. He shouldn't have had a girlfriend and he should have dropped her off when I asked him to. She shouldn't have messing around with a knowingly married man and keep on doing that even after she knows the hell I've gone through. But they did it for a reason. They did it for their happiness.

Granted, it is a horribly selfish reason. You shouldn't be happy by sacrificing somebody else's feeling. But then again, I wasn't happy in that relationship. If she didn't come into the picture, I probably still unhappily married to him, holding on to the thinnest thread of hope that one day he will love me like he did before. Looking at his pictures with his newly-announced girlfriend, both of them smiling made me feel torn. It sucks to see their happy faces when here I struggle to get my life together, where even the ease of getting a flu shot is taken away from me. But why can't they be happy? Why should I become the black cloud looming on their life, ready to pour my wrath and throw my tantrum at them? It's all said and done. What they did was wrong, but in actuality, there isn't anything that was taken away from me. My pride is still intact. My life skills increased. My emotional strength fortified. I am still the woman walking gaily on the street of LA, with a smile on my face and my characteristic "I love life" attitude.

People told me that they wouldn't last, that both of them will regret what they did once they realize the true face of one another. I wish they would last, and last happily too. I have paid dearly for their happiness and for that alone, I wish them the abundance of happiness to offset the pain I went through. The scale must be balanced, else I paid too much for too little. I wish them both strength to hold on to each other for the troublesome times to come. It's a relationship, troublesome times will always happen no matter what. I wish them clarity to remember the good of each other, and forgetfulness to conveniently blocked out the petty things they secretly hate from each other. I pray for the maturity of both of them. Happiness doesn't come easy. If happiness is feeling the rain on your skin, true happiness is feeling the rain on your skin again after holding out for so long through the drought. Good times will come, but better days is there in the future.

Go announced your girlfriend proudly, dear ex-husband. She deserves that recognition and the credit for making you happy again. Go announced your boyfriend proudly, dear mistress. If you like him that much then tell the whole world how awesome he is. And be happy. Be loyal. Be together. Every one of us has paid dearly for where you both are right now. We have paid in tears and fears and countless days of agonies. We all deserve a little happiness, don't you think? May the odds be ever in your favour, but even if it's not, make it work in your favour. Make sure what we all paid for is worth the price. Best wishes to you both.

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