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Monday, September 26, 2016

When You Go Low I Go High

"It's too bad I blocked him in Facebook because he kept spamming me with messages, otherwise I would write how classy he is to bash his ex when his profile picture is with his new fiancee." - my beau.

Last weekend my phone was flooded with messages from my friends back home. Apparently my Ex wrote a nasty piece about me on his Facebook and needless to say, my friends are pissed. I was pissed too and even after all our rantings combined I was still so angry that I penned an article disputing everything he said. It was truly a mark on his craftmanship in twisting facts since I manage to dispute literally every sentences in his post. The blog article and accompanying Facebook post lasted a mere 2 hours before I took them down.

Gossips are like many-headed hydra, you cut one head off and there will be another two in its place. That's why people like The Kardashians and magazines with scandalous headlines, it appease their appetite for unhealthy curiosity and fulfil their insecurity where they can feel better when other people fall. Fact checking is not high on their list, so even if I did a thorough clarification instead of going "Ohhh, so that's what happened...", they'll just going to enjoy the drama and the scandal. It doesn't matter who's right or who's wrong. Why bother then?

These essays, these articles, they are about me. It's my therapy, it's my way to cope with the pain. They are conversations with myself: trying to understand what's happening, striving to accept things as it is, learning how to move on. At the same time, the essays are not meant for my eyes only; it is also meant for others, for people who struggle in silence, in hope that they realized they are not alone. I can't, I wont let him take that away from me. I will not tainted these essays and reducing it into "he said she said", nor do I want for it to be about him instead of about my feeling. His deeds have happened and there is no point of beating a dead horse. It is a really good point to help the injured rider, though.

In separation there will always be "he said she said", there will always be abundance of bitching and/or badmouthing. Regardless on whether you are the one who bitch or the one who got bitched, it is a good idea to step back and set your priority. Are all those bitchings worth it? What do you hope to achieve with it? It's not going to bring your partner back or help you forget; on the contrary, your partner will linger in your mind more than ever. And if you want to retaliate/clarify the bitching done to you, how will it work anyway? Your partner obviously think you are in the wrong and whatever you say won't change that. A lot of time bitching is done as a form of attention-seeking. Do you really want to give this person your time and soul?

It can be frustrating and there will be times when you can't take it anymore, like I did. Yet, as my beau said: "Does it really matter what his friends and family think about you? Do you really can't sleep or can't live knowing they see you in a bad light?" No, it doesn't. People who knew me immediately rallied up behind me, and people who are neutral asked for clarification and more info or simply uninterested on such petty drama; and frankly, these are the people you should care about. You'd be surprise on how high the return margin of "not being an a-hole to people" is, especially when combined with "genuine care".

If this doesn't help you, just remember that the truth is out there. Whatever he said about me, the fact of the matter is: he is now in Indonesia for a month or more with a 22 year old fiancee (they've exchange rings) a little over a month after we filed our divorce. Or as my beau pointed out: bashing his ex-wife while at the same time flaunting his new girlfriend. It might be too much to read my lengthy essays or online resume, trying to figure out who I really am. It might be too difficult to see how vague and unsubstantiated his claims are, or how it is passive aggresiveness and humble-brag at its best. Yet his 'classiness' is so visible that anyone who still think what he said still worth his salt is undoubtedly questionable. I mean, really? Relationship issue aside, this guy has a toddler and a kid under 10 year old but he went holidaying in Indonesia for two months, and you actually believe he is the honorable, heroic martyr he claimed he is?

When you go low, I go high; and I can't be more proud of myself when I soar high above him by taking my clarification post/article down. I don't need to clarify anything to anyone. I am not allowing him to take more of my time and feeling. He is no longer a part of my life. Having said that, I am also not allowing him to go through his bullish behaviour. I have seen him twisting facts not only about me but also the women he was with. I spent some time thinking what horrible brutes the mothers of his kids are, before finally realizing that he might be the real brute.

His post is a good example of his abuse towards me: no loud voice, no cussing, only words carefully chosen to sound calm yet at the same time demean you and taking you down, and lies craftfully made from real facts but edited to make you feel guilty and worthless and questioned yourself. As with the post which was set so it can be read for his friends only, the abuse happened behind closed door. The incident with his son happened when he berates me because I mentioned his abusiveness in a post (The Day The Glass Slippers Break). He kicked me out from our apartment, literally putting all my clothes in a suitcase and cut off my mobile phone line (while I was still at work) in March 2016 because I posted a screenshot of him calling me an insignificant cunt and a whore to his Facebook page. He said don't air dirty laundry, what he meant to say is don't let other people see the real him.

It may look like I go low as well by posting his rant in the comment below, but I think it is important to stand against abuse. Bitching and badmouthing is one thing, standing up against your oppressor is another thing. I am not ashamed for who he said I am in his post, because it is untrue. I am not ashamed for how he treated me, because it is not my fault. It's high time he learn that his action is not acceptable, and that he will be held for judgement for things he said and do. This article will not completely stop or change the person he is, but at least he will be more reluctant (hopefully) now that he knows his victim can strike back. Here's to him causing no more (or at least less) pain.

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