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Friday, September 23, 2016

The Art of Loving and Losing

"It hurts when I lost him. It hurts to be separated from him."

Me and my friend were talking about something else, checking up on our goals and ambitions and current events in our lives when the confession suddenly came out. I have never told anyone about this. Some might have read it all too clearly in my face and in my writing, but I never realized it until now. What he did to me was painful, but losing him was also painful.
To this day, I have valiantly brushed off sympathetic words with "I'm fine" and "I've never been better". Other exchanges usually went like: "I'm sorry to hear that," and me answering, "Don't worry, I'm not lol". Which is true. I am fine. I love myself. I am not sorry that I am where I am right now because there is nothing to be sorry about, I have done my best. I still struggle with the mess that he gave me, both financially and mentally, but I will make it through. But now after things are pretty much sorted out, I start to see the truth hidden underneath the pain and I have to be honest with myself. It wasn't just because what happened between us, the pain also stemmed from not having him in my life anymore.
A part of the pain perhaps is similar to Phantom Limb syndrome, where amputees still feel pain and feeling on their amputated limb, as if it was still attached to their body. It hurts to sleep alone at night. It hurts to came home to an empty apartment. It hurts to eat by myself. It hurts to not be able to talk about our mutual friends. It hurts to not be in the car, picking up his son or going somewhere with the tyke. It hurts to not be able to say hi to his daughter when they Skype together. It hurts to not be able playing with the cats and see how the cats being a-holes towards him. It hurts to spend holidays alone. It hurts to not have kisses and hugs as often as I want to, even on those days when I can feel his heart was not there anymore.
The other part of the pain is losing him as a person. I like his smile. I like his childish excitement. I like his jokes. Well, sometimes. I like how his eyes lit up when he talked about his ideas and project. I like how he'll do the silliest and craziest thing out of whim. I like how he interact with his children. I like how his children look up to him full of love and adoration. I like laughing with him. I like his shy smile. I like his grin when he did something silly. I like our late-night scooter drive through downtown LA. I like our lengthy road trips to Arizona and back. I like being lost under the stars in the plains of San Agustine with him. There were a lot of painful moments, but there were a lot of happy times as well; and if I feel hurt for losing those happy moments, it is perfectly normal.
Too often in the event of separation, we vilify each other. It is, after all, our coping mechanism. We want our feelings, our decision to be justified. Some of us need to talk about it over and over again in hope that we will eventually become numb, in order for us to eventually accept what had happened as a fact, removed from all of our emotion. For some of us, that wasn't enough. The love that we have turned into hatred, and we painted an evil picture of this person in our mind. Sometimes the person him/herself deserve it, having broken us so thoroughly that we no longer can see the positive in him/her. Sometimes it is us that can't deal with the loss and force ourselves to see this person as evil in order to keep our sanity, to justify our action and/or as a reasoning as to why he/she is not a part of our lives anymore.
Bad things happen. Good things also happen, though. There are some parts of him which I like and respect as a person. We also had good times together, and yes, I miss his presence as he was a part of my life for 4 years. I will not bury those precious memories and feelings just because of what happened between us. We are not defined by the last 3-4 months of us together, we are defined by the whole 3-4 years of us together. We have laughed together, cried together, loved each other, achieving goals (i.e. getting me here, for one) together. I will not erase all of that because it happened. All the good, all the bad, all the things that had happened is a part of my life and shaped me into who I am right now. The pain is great, but the thought of pretending none of it happened is unbearable.
Do I love him? No, I don't. I did love him, truly and wholeheartedly; but not anymore. It hurts to lose him, but I do not wish to be together with him anymore. It saddens me and I can feel the pain in my heart and my fingers like the pricking of a thousand needles as I wrote this. At the same time, I feel like I am betraying my current beau to still feel sad about my loss, to still respect him as a person, to not obliterate the good memories I have with him. Yet as I squealed in delight and rejoiced on the possibility of playing the newly released Pandemic Cthulhu with my beau, I realized that this is what makes me happy now. This is the special thing that I have together with my beau, just like I have the special thing I have together with him. It is not about baricading and nailing all the doors shut or destroying all traces; it's about closing the book gently and put it back on the shelf, then continue with your life.
Losing someone is never easy, as a part of you got taken away. Yet in times it will heal. New memories and new routines will be made, and the phantom limb syndrome will slowly disappear. New people and fresh look on life will give you new things to love, and the roses will bloom in your heart again. Cherish the memories, but don't hold on to them. Treat it like an old cassette tape: you look at it fondly and laughed when you remember how you painstakingly rewind it just to listen to that specific song over and over again, as you listened to the same song in repeat through your latest no-jack iPods. Don't hate. Love. Don't lose yourself to negativity. Memories, after all, is what we truly have in this short lives of ours. Keep the best and grow with it. My best love to you all, dear reader. My best love to you all…

Sent from my T-Mobile 4G LTE device

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