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Thursday, October 24, 2013

Dear Amanda, Sorry They Hurt You Again

Dear Amanda,
Sorry they hurt you again. In the olden days, when you are dead, you are dead. Today, even when you are dead one can still find your picture and defile you with harsh, foul words. I am glad you can't relate to that anymore, but I know how hurtful it must have been for people who knew you. It hurts me too, and I don't even know you.

It hurts to see your face attached to Kurt Cobain's, with a tagline that suggested that people should know him and not you. Why, I wonder. Why compare a long-dead musician who killed himself due to depression with a little girl that killed herself due to hateful bullying? One killed himself because he can't handle the "love", one killed herself because she can't handle the hate. It's not even a comparison. He's a person they never met before, an idol that is alleviate to god-like place just because he is dead in the peak of his career. But you, dear Amanda, you can be their sister, their niece, their friends. You can be someone close to them, someone that they care and love, and your death can devastate them more thoroughly than a person who they never met before. 

It hurts to see your photo used that way, as a cheap trick to illustrate a girl's disinformation about the so-called fabled band of Nirvana. A band that most of the children in your generation probably never even heard about, nothing but a mere "cool brand" to emphasize how cool they are, just like the brands of shoes and clothes they are wearing. Why not choose other musician, a notably terrible one from your generation? Surely there are aplenty. Or choose a male actor, one who is equally lousy yet famous. Those too are also aplenty. Why do they have to use your photo, Amanda? Why do they have to treat your death as something irrelevant, as something trivial and subject to ridicule? The moment you were born in this world, you changed it. It may be insignificant to some, and fully unrecognizable by others, but you changed it. We all changed the world we live in, and so have you. 

It hurts me most to see people commenting hurtful things about you: 
These are people who somehow think they are better than you. These are people who do not stop hurting you even after your death. These are people that think they are so fine and you are just a worthless junk. These are people who thinks they can do no wrong. I want them to walk in your shoe, I dearly hope they can walk in your shoe before they said these things, and see how they fare. But nobody can truly understand how you feel, your agony and pain, your humiliation and loneliness. And nobody can bring you back to life, not even if these people blessed with an epiphany of how you suffer throughout your days.

I often wonder Amanda, what kind of people who taunt you and pushed you so hard that you had to take your own life. What kind of sick person that take glee in hurting someone else, that think you worth less than they are? But I probably should have understand. As you can see I was called a dumb bitch just because I mistakenly stated in my comment that Kurt Cobain died from overdose, just because of that trivial reason. And you, dear Amanda, you have to live with far, far, far worse than that. These are the people that took you away, Amanda. People who are high and mighty and think they are better than others, and thus have all the right to hurt and disrespect other people. People who cast judgement and "punishment" without understanding what happened. People who satiated their hunger for power by hurting and oppressing other people, and take delight from other's defeats and ruins. These are the people who took you away from us, and they will take more away.

I too, am one of them. I cast my judgement upon these people, these monsters who had no respect for a deceased girl. I wanted to hurt them, to called them names and disrespect them just as they disrespect you. I want them to feel the agony and humiliation that you feel and let them realize how insignificant they are, how worthless they are. But what will happen afterwards? Will I get satisfaction, will I get addicted to that feeling, will I be another bully in the playground? These people too, are special for someone else. These people too, have changed the world we live in. These people too, are humans like you and I. And even if they do not deserved the respect, you do. That is why I erase their names, and other names in the pictures. You deserve that respect. 

The bullying must stop. The hurting must stop. And it must stop now.
But for now, rest in peace dear Amanda. Rest in peace.

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