The Day I Lost Her

"I'm leaving, Seth."

My gut felt like a knot. I knew she was up to something when she asked to meet up in the airport. I had to rush through the traffic, because she said don't be late. I'm lucky I didn't get any ticket or worse, any accident as I drove like a madman. All I could think about was her, and I fervently hoping she was okay. Then I walked into the coffee shop and I saw a huge backpack next to her. And I knew all was lost.

"Where?"

She handed me her plane tickets. 

"When will you be back?" I knew the answer, but I just had to ask.

"I'm staying for good. I got a teaching position there."

I was still holding her ticket, fighting back the tears. "This is a third world country. A terrorist country. Are you insane?"

"No. I've thought about it carefully. I need to go Seth. I need to be whole again. And please, don't call it a terrorist country."

"It wasn't your fault!" I blurted out. "It wasn't your fault what they did to you!!"

She smiled, looking so serene. "I know it wasn't my fault Seth. But does it matter?"

"The pictures are there, Seth; and so does the video. It will never go away."

"We can go to the police, we can put them behind bars. Come on, you can't just run away!"

"Sure we can, and what will they get? A few years in jail, or maybe none at all. And in the mean time, I had to live with those pictures and video." 

She looked intently at the coffee in her cup.

"People say I am a whore, Seth. People blame me for going to that party and drink. People say I get what I deserve. I got a teaching degree and I don't think I can ever use it here. I can't think how a school would want such an infamous person to teach their young children."

Her tears fell one by one into the cup; first so slowly, then it was a stream of tears. It reminded me of the first storm we encountered as a child together. Back then I kept asking myself, will it ever stop; I found myself asked the same question now.

"And if I have a child, what would I say to her, or to him? That mom was raped in a party just like a cheap whore? And if I found a man that I would love, can he lived with all those pictures and video? I need to go Seth. I want to go and leave this all behind."

I was numb. "It is not your fault. They drugged you. They rape you."

"Seth," she laughed sadly, "Does it even matter?"

"There are pictures of me being 'done' by two men, of their derogatory 'handicrafts' with Sharpie on my body, there are pictures of me being used as a sex object when I passed out, and a whole video of their games. They have their fucking Facebook page for God's sake. Does it even matter how I got there?"

"So this is it? You are basically running away?"

"Yes Seth, if you want to put it that way. Yes." She looked up from her cup and looked into my eyes, "I was actually thinking of kicking the bucket, you know. Just get it done with. But then I thought, those images would live forever. Even after I am gone, those images would still be around."

"I will not let them destroy me Seth. I will outlive their deed."

"By what? Going to a Muslim country and live there? This is suicide! Just another form of suicide!"

"Seth, that is not a Muslim country. It has a huge population of Muslim but it is a Democratic Republic. See, I've done my homework."

"You'll just get raped again there. They don't value women for Christ's sake! How can you be so naive and think you would fare better there?? Come one, get real! We have laws here, not so dumbass corrupt officials that needed bribes. We have freedom here!"

"Freedom for what, Seth? Freedom to violate someone else because society said it's ok? What's so different with them?"

"You are sick. You need professional help."

"No I'm not. But you know what I do need, Seth? I need to get out of this hell hole."

She took a deep breath and was silent for a few minutes.

"I thought it was fun, Seth. Mimosa or Champagne brunches, bar hopping, cocktail nights, there was always alcohol around. I thought it was fun, and only weirdos and ultra-fanatic zealots that would say no to alcohol. Then it happened. I am not sure it was fun anymore."

"You were drugged for God's sake! You could have been drinking water when they drugged you, not alcohol!"

"True. But I can easily passed out myself from all the drinks. And when shits happen, I am on my own. Isn't it ironic that our society dictates alcohol and sex to be a part of our culture, but do not protect me from the disastrous result?"

She smiled, "You said they don't value women. It was so wrong. But even so, wouldn't it be nice to have some limit? To actually stop being intoxicated just to fit in, to actually treat sex like a big deal. It's good to have some "No"s once in a while."

We sat in silent, and I accompanied her to the boarding gate 10 minutes later. None of us spoken, except for a sorrowful goodbye that she whispered in my ears when I hug her tight. And with that, my friend was gone forever. 

I walked back to my car and sat there for a long time, painfully trying to memorize the warmth of her body from our last hug. I tried to recall her smile and her laughter, the beautiful soul that I had known throughout our childhood, my beloved friend for almost all of my life. But I couldn't. All that I can remember was her tears, her agony, her sufferings. And the photos. The wretched photos and video. Then my phone beeped.

Message from Louis K

Hey Bro, the new stuff is here. Just in time for the party tonite ;) :)

My hands trembled and bile was rising quickly to my throat, my eyes were teary as I tried hard to stop the the incoming vomit. It took me a while to calm myself, and when I did, I cried for a long time. It just dawned me that the 'bitches' that my 'bros' preyed were somebody's daughter, somebody's friend, somebody's sister. And it could have been my daughter, my sister, my friend. I remember the last girl I raped in our last party, her face kept surfacing in my mind, with tears flowing endlessly. And then the one before that, and the one before that, and so on. Their faces intermingle with each other and so was their tears until somehow it become Lisa's face, my dearest friend Lisa who was like a sister to me. And I saw her mouthed that sorrowful goodbye. I cried in agony: "I'm sorry. I am so so sorry...!!!

-Dedicated to Roast Busters victims. Stay strong ladies.  

Dear Amanda, Sorry They Hurt You Again

Dear Amanda,

Sorry they hurt you again. In the olden days, when you are dead, you are dead. Today, even when you are dead one can still find your picture and defile you with harsh, foul words. I am glad you can't relate to that anymore, but I know how hurtful it must have been for people who knew you. It hurts me too, and I don't even know you.

It hurts to see your face attached to Kurt Cobain's, with a tagline that suggested that people should know him and not you. Why, I wonder. Why compare a long-dead musician who killed himself due to depression with a little girl that killed herself due to hateful bullying? One killed himself because he can't handle the "love", one killed herself because she can't handle the hate. It's not even a comparison. He's a person they never met before, an idol that is alleviate to god-like place just because he is dead in the peak of his career. But you, dear Amanda, you can be their sister, their niece, their friends. You can be someone close to them, someone that they care and love, and your death can devastate them more thoroughly than a person who they never met before. 

It hurts to see your photo used that way, as a cheap trick to illustrate a girl's disinformation about the so-called fabled band of Nirvana. A band that most of the children in your generation probably never even heard about, nothing but a mere "cool brand" to emphasize how cool they are, just like the brands of shoes and clothes they are wearing. Why not choose other musician, a notably terrible one from your generation? Surely there are aplenty. Or choose a male actor, one who is equally lousy yet famous. Those too are also aplenty. Why do they have to use your photo, Amanda? Why do they have to treat your death as something irrelevant, as something trivial and subject to ridicule? The moment you were born in this world, you changed it. It may be insignificant to some, and fully unrecognizable by others, but you changed it. We all changed the world we live in, and so have you. 

It hurts me most to see people commenting hurtful things about you: 

These are people who somehow think they are better than you. These are people who do not stop hurting you even after your death. These are people that think they are so fine and you are just a worthless junk. These are people who thinks they can do no wrong. I want them to walk in your shoe, I dearly hope they can walk in your shoe before they said these things, and see how they fare. But nobody can truly understand how you feel, your agony and pain, your humiliation and loneliness. And nobody can bring you back to life, not even if these people blessed with an epiphany of how you suffer throughout your days.

I often wonder Amanda, what kind of people who taunt you and pushed you so hard that you had to take your own life. What kind of sick person that take glee in hurting someone else, that think you worth less than they are? But I probably should have understand. As you can see I was called a dumb bitch just because I mistakenly stated in my comment that Kurt Cobain died from overdose, just because of that trivial reason. And you, dear Amanda, you have to live with far, far, far worse than that. These are the people that took you away, Amanda. People who are high and mighty and think they are better than others, and thus have all the right to hurt and disrespect other people. People who cast judgement and "punishment" without understanding what happened. People who satiated their hunger for power by hurting and oppressing other people, and take delight from other's defeats and ruins. These are the people who took you away from us, and they will take more away.

I too, am one of them. I cast my judgement upon these people, these monsters who had no respect for a deceased girl. I wanted to hurt them, to called them names and disrespect them just as they disrespect you. I want them to feel the agony and humiliation that you feel and let them realize how insignificant they are, how worthless they are. But what will happen afterwards? Will I get satisfaction, will I get addicted to that feeling, will I be another bully in the playground? These people too, are special for someone else. These people too, have changed the world we live in. These people too, are humans like you and I. And even if they do not deserved the respect, you do. That is why I erase their names, and other names in the pictures. You deserve that respect. 

The bullying must stop. The hurting must stop. And it must stop now.

But for now, rest in peace dear Amanda. Rest in peace.

More about bullying:

I Am Not Special

It's Hard to be Different

The Parents' Prose: In memory of Rebecca Sedwick

The Parents' Prose: In memory of Rebecca Sedwick

"Her parents told ABC she was a loving, caring young girl who is not a bully.
'My daughter's Facebook was hacked, she would never write anything like that. She's not that type of girl that would just say something like that." - Read more here.

"The goblin/dwarf turf war had flared up again, and every morning hordes of angry parents showed up demanding the release of their innocent offspring...

They were on her like flies on stink-worm.
'My Grumpo is innocent!'
'Police brutality!'
'Officer, could you take my baby in his blanky? He can't sleep without it.'" - Artemis Fowl by Eoin Colfer, published in 2001

I looked at my little girl: she is the prettiest girl I've ever seen. I am so fortunate to be able to provide her with a safe, protected life, one that enables her to grow to her optimum abilities. She has admirers and loved by all, that is for sure. Why not? She is kind and strong, the epitome of all young ladies should be. She is the sun of my life, a tough person who can go and reach her destiny. How I love my daughter!

I looked at my little girl: she was the prettiest girl I've ever seen, and she still is even with tears in her face. I have strive to provide her a safe, protected life, one that enables her to grow to her optimum abilities, yet here she is, curled in pain. She was alone, but I loved her dearly. Why not? She is sweet and graceful, the epitome of all young ladies should be. She is the sun of my life, a gentle soul who touch others heart with her kindness. How I love my daughter!

The accusations were harsh, and so untrue. My little angel would never do such a thing to another person. She is loving, caring, wonderful! This squirmy little worm must have bring it on the herself, or organized by somebody who is jealous with my little princess. It does not matter. What matter is how my girl can keep on living and free from this terrible accusations.

The words were harsh, and so untrue. To be called with names, and to be disgraced and humiliated in public, my little angel would never understand why someone needs to do it to another person. She is loving, caring, wonderful! There is no reason to justify why she has to be treated so terrible, nor did she fake the attacks on her. It does not matter. What matter is now my girl has been freed from this horrible ordeal.

That cowardly fool! Children mock each other everyday, heart broken and then mended. There is no reason for her to end it like this. And blame my princess even. That stupid, cowardly fool!!

That wretched girls! Words and humiliation stopped being a game when they see the terrible effect on my little girl and yet still keeping it forward. There is no reason for them to keep hurting her. That terrible, wretched girls!

Don't worry my love, I will always be beside you and release you from the horrible jail. You are not to be blamed for the mistake a stupid fool who is too weak to defend herself. Cursed that cowardly weaklings!

Don't worry my love, I will always be beside you even though you have gone in to the coldness of death. You are not to be blamed for taking this way out. I am sorry I couldn't help you earlier. Curse my human weakness!

Now rest my love, my pretty girl, my dearest angel

Mommy is here by your side

Always

In memory of Rebecca Sedwick:
Rest in peace dear girl, no one will hurt you again.

More on bullying: http://kucinghitamjalanjalan.blogspot.com/2013/09/its-hard-to-be-different.html

It's Hard to be Different

Picture from CNN article: Boy asks Santa to make kids stop bullying his sister

It's hard to be different. In the animal world being different means being dead, because the predator will easily spot "the freak" and have it for lunch. It also means rejection from their peer because they too will be easily spotted when "the freak" hang with them, and it probably does not worth the risk. Despite our constant bragging of how much better we are than animals, we human did this too. The tendency to become the predator and devour the weak was too much for some people to handle. Like a hyena that feeds itself with its prey, a bully needs the fear and emotion of the victim to feed his/her own emotional hunger. And just like the animal peers, there are also people who do not actively bully but rejected "the freak" nonetheless for the so-called-normality of their group. Some of us apparently fell off the evolution wagon.

These happened daily around the world. Some people labeled the bully incident as racism and discrimination, which eventually leads to war cry especially if it involves a hot topic case such as race or gay/LBGT or religion. The result is a whirlwind of accusations from both party, those who support the victim and those who support the bully, all comes completely armed with valid arguments and a well-packed set of name calling. A group would spoke out against the little girl's bullying incident and said the bullies are to be blamed, yet another group will spoke out and say it's her fault to be fat and she should be normal size for her own good anyway. In the end everybody just hate each other. Let's stop it.

A Bully is someone who picked on another person for being different. Small body size, big body size, normal body size, white skin, brown skin, black skin, the weird geek, the honor student, the school's athlete, the cheerleader, each of this characters can all be a victim or a bully depends on his/her own position. There is no simpler rule of why someone is bullied other than he/she was different than the rest of the peer. Instead of labeling the bully incident as an act of discrimination and focused on why the victim was attacked, label it as what it should be: an attack of another human being just for being different, a predatory act that can be averted by understanding that each of us is different. 

No two hearts shaped the same, and even twins would have minor differences between them. Humans may act like a group, but our advance intelligence is unique to each one of us. It is time for us to understand that humans come in many shapes and colors, and each of us has our own story to tell, our own struggles to live with. This does not mean you have to force yourself to accept people. This means you have to force yourself to leave them alone and not preying on them. You are entitled of what your opinion about people because it was a  result of your bearing and the environment you are exposed to, it is who you are. But you are not entitled to harm people. No one is entitled to harm others. Some people claimed the victim should be more assertive in protecting themselves. As ideal as it sounded, the fact of the matter is if the victim were ready to protect themselves they wont be the prey from the first place. The solution is not prepping the victim to be aggressive, it's to prep the bully to be not aggressive and to make every single one of us comes to the realization that each of us human is uniquely different.

The walls are crumbling and the diversity flood is coming through. First black president, legality of gay marriage, rights for LGBT community, and more recently the first Miss America from Indian descendant. With the advancements of internet and medias we are exposed to more and more diversity: various skin colors and body shapes and line of thinking and way of life to name a few. You can either use it to understand the vastness and greatness of life and world itself, or hide in your own shell with people who (you think) think alike and guard your "community" closely. My suggestion is to come out there and enjoy life. Be humbled on the majesty of life and the beauty of human being. Realize that you are special, but so do others. Stop preying. Stop being an animal. Start being human.