The Gamer Cat

This. This is the face that made me realize why I am spending holidays by myself, utterly and totally single, and why it is absolutely worth it. 

This is the face of a person who, by combination of sheer luck and a good play of hand, manage to make 4 highly competitive and extremely skilled players scramble to attack and prevent me from winning. In another game I pushed boundaries just to see how far I could go. That's just who I am. 

I am not playing to win. I am playing to test myself, to see how far I can proceed and how quickly I can adapt to and master my pieces. I am also playing to see how much I can affect the people around me with my moves, and consequently predict theirs. No wonder I am single. 

To be with me means to be constantly challenged, to be always on the race, to take beating on your pride but learn from it and come back stronger. All while being spoiled and pampered by me, showered with love and affection because I am a naturally loving person. 

I do not envy my exes, and I am glad they got away. Let's put it this way: with how I show my true color during board games, the group probably gives the "Our deepest condolences" look to anyone I introduce as my significant other. 

Should I change myself just a bit? Just enough so I can get someone and stop whining about being lonely? I shouldn't. I couldn't. I am most alive with challenges and adventures. 

I want to spend my time with someone who challenge my soul, my mind, and my body, someone who gives me the same exhilaration as a 6+ hours space opera board game. 

It gets lonely when you have standard, but I can't lie to myself anymore. I am a smug, spoiled kitty cat and I know it. It's ok, though. I like myself better now than I've ever been. I'm going to be fine.

Tips Aman Wanita

Akhir tahun ini akan disambut dengan gegap gempita keriaan, dan tangan-tangan yang sibuk menjamah di bawah meja atau didalam gelap. Jangan mau, ya.

Kalau katanya setan ada di dalam gelap, mungkin benar ya. Saat malam semakin larut, pikiran semakin sulit berkonsentrasi. Keriaan yang liar pun menurunkan keraguan dan kejernihan kita dalam mengambil keputusan. Belum lagi segala rayuan dan bisikan, "Kamu nggak sayang aku, ya..?"

"Makanya jangan pergi malam. Jangan merayakan Tahun Baru. Jangan pergi sama lelaki. Kalau kamu kenapa-kenapa salahmu sendiri." Humm… nggak juga sih. Nggak ada salahnya ingin merayakan keriaan. Perempuan jaga diri pun kalau lelaki nggak mau jaga konak ya susah.

Sebagai perempuan kita wajib jaga diri. Sebagai lelaki juga sih. Kita jelas nggak akan santai-santai lewat kawasan rawan garong di larut malam, atau pergi pas hujan tanpa payung/jas hujan. Jadi pas kita keluar main pun penting memastikan sekitar kita aman. Common sense alias masuk akal, kan?

Kalau saya biasanya:

- Mau pakai baju apapun, pastikan bisa gampang bergerak dalam baju tersebut. 

- Pastikan hape dalam kondisi tercharge penuh dan ada batre cadangan. 

- Cek daerah sekitar, lihat-lihat 'tempat aman' seperti minimarket atau bahkan pos polisi

- Uber/nomor kontak darurat sudah ada di posisi gampang terpanggil 

- Informasikan teman terdekat daerah tujuan dan pergi sama siapa. Kalau perlu kirim screenshot nomor telepon/ percakapan dengan orang tersebut dan suruh teman hubungi polisi bila hingga jam sekian saya belum kontak teman saya balik 

Tapi bagaimana saat kita merasa aman, dan justru si serigala datang memangsa? Ya kita mangsa balik hahahahaha.

Selaku perempuan yang punya pilihan (nyaris) tak terbatas untuk teman kencan disini (yang mana semuanya lumayan cakep), saya bisa berkata dengan yakin: orang baik-baik nggak bakalan 'minta'. Percaya deh.

Jangan ditanya ya baju saya disini (maaph ya Mak). Pergi keluar main sampai jauh larut malam pun sudah biasa. Berdansa dekat nan panas menggoda yuk mari. Saling merayu seolah siap lanjut ke tempat tidur juga normal. Tapi pada akhirnya, jangankan ke tempat tidur, saling bersentuhan tangan pun kalau bukan saya yang memulai mereka nggak akan berani.

Ibarat anjing kampung dan anjing ras yang terlatih sih. Disini walau saya tahu mereka sudah siap 'menerkam', mereka nggak akan maju. Terdidik dengan baik, euy. Bukan berarti mereka nggak akan mencoba ya, baik lewat kata-kata ("Mungkin kita bisa istirahat sebentar di tempatmu?") atau mendadak duduk nempel-nempel saya.

Nggak semua orang seperti ini, tentunya. Ada orang-orang yang nggak perduli dan nggak punya rasa hormat pada wanita. Ya seperti anjing kampung tadi, melihat mangsa langsung digasak. Tapi orang-orang yang berkelas ya nggak bakal begitu. 

Saya pernah punya teman kencan yang harus setengah mati saya kasi kode agar dia berani pegang tangan saya. Ada yang sama sekali nggak menyentuh saya saat kencan walau saya tahu dia terus melirik saya. Bahkan yang jelas-jelas playboy pun dengan tulus memperlakukan saya seperti putri.

Itu sih kuncinya, bagaimana kita diperlakukan. Apakah kita diperlakukan karena mereka sayang, atau sekedar nafsu? Lihat dari ekspresi muka mereka saat mengucap segala rayuan, dan saat kita menolak. Orang yang menganggap kita berharga bahkan nggak akan mau meminta keintiman. Kalaupun mereka memberanikan diri mengajak, mereka akan mengerti saat kita menolak.

Kalau saat ini ada pembaca yang bilang: "Wajar mereka minta atau marah saat kita tolak. Namanya juga lelaki, birahi mereka tingggi". Mari saya infokan kalau itu mitos ya bapak-bapak dan ibu-ibu. Saya membuktikan kok. Nafsu besar tenaga kurang itu sangat umum sebenarnya, dan saya nggak akan heran kalau banyak wanita Indonesia di malam pertama berujar: "Hah? Udah, segini doang?"

Kita wanita juga berhak menikmati keriaan dan bukan hanya terkurung di rumah. Tapi kita tetap harus waspada dan menjaga keselamatan kita. Bukan hanya secara jasmaniah, namun juga secara mental dan emosi. Kita harus cerdas menilai apakah pasangan kita 'aman' (dalam artian tidak akan melakukan kekerasan/pemaksaan baik secara fisik ataupun mental), dan apakah ia benar-benar menganggap kita berharga.

Karena yang menganggap kita berharga nggak akan merusak kita. Karena yang menganggap kita sempurna nggak akan menghempaskan kita. Karena yang menganggap kita penting nggak akan membuat kita menangis. Jadi saat dia berkata "Kamu nggak sayang ya sama aku…" anda sudah tahu jawabannya.

Have a safe festivities, girls. Semoga keriaan anda para wanita berjalan dengan aman. Salam sayang dari Los Angeles.

The Second Death

"Sleep, young queen," the priest said. "But what if I sleep forever, and they don't remember me anymore?" He looked at her with an expressionless face, but there was kindness in his deep brown, almost pitch dark eyes.

"Your name will be sung throughout the millenniums," He told her, "Spoken so often that you will never have to face the second death." She was impassive. "Your temples and statues will be the testament of your life, of the beloved queen."

"There is no certainty in that," she answered. "The desert will claim what human has built. Nothing last forever, not even my name." The light from the candles illuminated her beautiful face, basted her in gold and made her looked ethereal.

The priest allowed himself a tiny smile, a smile drenched in pain and sadness because he knew she was right. "But it will buy you time before the second death approaches. Who knows what miracle you can do for your people?"

"Will they still be my people, though? If they forget about me?" She asked. Their eyes met. The old priest was lost for words. "Of course they are," she replied herself with a genuine smile. "Their loyalty is their own. My loyalty to them is my own."

The priest trembled and held back his tears. "It will be fine," she said softly, soothingly, "We will see each other again." He looked down to avoid her eyes, too scared to see what's hidden beyond those eyes, or the deep understanding that surpassed his. 

He lifted the gold cup with trembling hands. She would drink from it, and she will journey on the first death as the priests prepare her body and locked her tomb as per ritual. Yet she didn't know her tomb will not only be locked but also sealed and destroyed to prevent her from ever waking up, to complete both first and second death.

"It will be fine," she said again. She took the cup and held it gaily, as if she was still in the comfort of her own palace, "I will survive both deaths." He looked up at her in terror, watching as she sipped the cup delicately like drinking her favorite nectar.

It should be enough to send anyone to the afterworld immediately, but she passed him the cup as if nothing happened and curled on the silk bed on which she sat on as if she was ready for a good night sleep. 

"Be loyal to me, and I will see you again," she said with a loving smile. He bowed. "I too will see them again," she added, this time with a cold fire that sent the shiver down his spine. He knew now she knew.  She closed her eyes and he started to weep. His queen. His beloved queen.

A few thousand years later, a girl woken up from her nap with a start. She didn't remember when she had fallen asleep, but she did remember playing with her phone and feeling so miserable, feeling so scared that people will forget her.

"It will be fine," she said subconsciously. "It will be fine." She sat straight and looked at the window for a bit, soaking in the view of beautiful Los Angeles afternoon. She looked at her phone, which was still silent as if the world has abandoned her. "It will be fine," she said with a smile.

Beauty of Sex

Sex is a dangerous act. It brings human to their lowest level, succumbing to their animal instinct. Society rules and norms are forgotten in that moment of fury, where lust and pleasure override the logical mindset.

Is it a surprise that we shunned sex so much? It's pretty much the Devil's handiwork. Desire is bad because you will get lost in it. With sex, which gives both physical and emotional satisfaction, it's downright a black hole. Pun intended.

So we curb woman's bodies. We restrict parts that might arose desire. Women are also pushed to be the last form of defense against such tempestuous act. Lock the gate, so to speak. Don't let intruder in.

Anatomically men don't have control on their erection. Yet that's where this logic stop. Human has no control on our desire and/or bodily function, but we have control on our chosen action. No gate can keep the intruders if they choose to intrude.

Then we put fear of God and/or higher power to it. We limit sex to be done in an unbreakable union (i.e. marriage) not only to ensure we wont lose ourselves over it, but also to ensure the safety and well being of the outcome of the act: our offsprings.

It all makes sense. Yet in our flurry of trying to avoid the pitfalls we forget how beautiful sex is. We talk about its devilish virtue, or use it to empower ourselves in an attempt to feel we are in control of ourselves. We reduce sex to either something bad or nothing at all.

Sex is beautiful. It's an act of love, a mutual surrender between you and your partner where you both give your all and bare all. It takes a good amount of trust in each other, and a desire to please your partner. It takes love.

It's not "You shouldn't have sex before marriage", it's "You should marry the person you want to have sex with for the rest of yor life". You want to be with somebody you can give your love to and love you back equally.

Don't fear sex or judge others because of it. It is an enjoyable act. It's ok to feel good about it. One can wait for the right person to come along, or one can actively look for that person. Or just simply enjoying it without any expectations. 

As dastardly and as voracious as I am, for me the best part about sex is to fall asleep in my partner's arm after. To have him gently stroke my skin and caress my hair. To feel like I am safe and wanted. To feel like I belong. Here's to me (and you) finally finding this mythical partner one of these days.

Happy holidays.

Dear BFF

Dear Bff,

Thank you for not complaining about my drunk texts. Let's think of this way, it means you are always on my mind. Yes, I know you rather not. My mind is a treacherous place.

Thank you for rolling your eyes every time I come to you with my dating sagas. Which is A LOT. You made me laugh when I come with tears, making the heartache seems lighter.

Yet you knew. You always do. You knew that each time I open myself for someone it's like bracing myself to walk on shards of glass. It is never easy for me and your joke is your way to protect me.

Thank you for your sarcasm and intolerable bluntness whenever I feel insecure or doubting myself. It's your way to push me forward while still shield me from bad things in life.

I've been handed a shit sandwich in life, yet despite my brokenness I am glad it brings me to you. To say I am indebted to you is a gross understatement.

Thank you for being my big brother. Thank you for being my knight in shining armor. Thank you for truly love and accept me for who I am. Thank you for never leaving me.

Dear BFF, I love you across the galaxy. I love you through countless reincarnation. I love you in the worst time in my life, and in the best. I love you for who you are and more.

Dear BFF, you are amazing inside out. Thank you, love. Thank you.

This Christmas

Dear kiddos. This Christmas I didn't think about buying you gifts. I didn't ponder on Amazon toy section or kids section in the clothing store. I just got what I need and left. I am proud of myself.

Don't think that I forget you both. A glimpse of you running in the apartment building, a sight of you in the Facebook post, and I turned to water. I miss you so much it hurts.

I am proud of myself because I learn to take time to be me. This year I got so much gifts that it was mindblowing. Birthday, Christmas, random gifts. I am loved for who I am, and it feels... amazing.

I hope you felt amazing too when I showered you with love and gifts, because you are. I am sorry for the times I got frustrated or losing my patience. I am sorry for the times I could've been better. I am sorry I have to go.

I hold a piece of you with me, like a baby clothes that's long outgrown. You two right now are no longer the kids I hold 2.5 years ago. You've grown. We don't fit in each other's life anymore, but I still love you nonetheless.

This Christmas, I hope you get what you desire. I hope life treats you kindly. I hope you are surrounded by love. And above all, I hope you are happy. Dark time may come but light and hope will never be far behind.

Dear kiddos, I love you then, I love you now. Merry Christmas, angels.

The Ignorance of PC

I know for sure that I was an edgy, angry girl before and I have write and say things that not only stupid, but also insensitive. Not unlike Kevin Hart.

Do I regret it? No. I am sad about it, but I can't regret it. There is virtually no way the younger me have the empathy and knowledge that I have now, harshly earned from my experiences.

Am I a bad person for how I think back then? Yes, if you are so inclined to think so. I know I am not. You can choose to see what I did for others now and how I deal with life, or you can hang on to that moment where I have no knowledge and doesn't understand empathy. Your choice.

I just wish your choice is not cherry picking other people's (old) opinion for the one that suits your agenda the most. 

There are bigger assholes in Hollywood that are still assholes to this day but got the pass because they are anti-Trump, for instance. Abusers, predators, liars. Go hold them accountable.

By cherry picking who to put on the stake you also ensure that people will not change. Why change for the better if what you said in your younger, unknowledgeable days will be held against you? Might as well stay ignorant.

You have the power to make the world a better place and that can be achieved through empathy and encouragement, not through whiplash and stone throwing. Celebrate the growth, not dwell on the mistake.

PS: Before you call me homophobic for defending Kevin Hart, do know that as a published author in Indonesia I pretty much keep my DM open in all social media account for people who wants to come out. Abused women, lesbians, mistresses, sexual harassment victims, they can tell me everything and it will stay safe with me. 

I also have a very visible pro-LGBTQ stance, embracing my sexual side, and an avid advocate for women's empowerment and equal rights. All which will land me in trouble if I ever have to go back to Indonesia for good, and pretty much a stain on my family's name right now.

You can use my credentials as consideration and think "She might have a point." Or you can stubbornly call me homophobic simply because I do not share your sentiment about Kevin Hart. Ignorance is something that we can grow out of, but only if we choose so.

Foto Impian

Mungkin pelajaran paling berharga dalam hidup itu saya dapatkan saat 5 tahun bekerja jadi sales untuk wedding/event photography di Bali. Saya diajar untuk melihat cerita dibalik sebuah foto sempurna.

Saat teman saya mengirimkan video pernikahan Priyanka Chopra, yang saya bayangkan ribetnya kru kamera dan foto plus kru WO/EO yang harus memastikan semuanya serba sempurna. Lalu setelahnya para editor yang harus membuat foto dan film terlihat ciamik dan dramatis.

Dari pihak mempelai pun, nggak kebayang pressure untuk memastikan semua seperti di jadwal/script. Asal tahu saja, satu wedding foto 'natural/alami' itu bisa entah berapa kali diambil dan diulang gayanya agar bisa dapat yang pas.

Dan setelahnya, masih ada mempelai yang tidak bahagia dengan hasil fotonya walau bagus banget. Atau yang fotonya sebenarnya biasa saja tapi si editor mampu memilih dan menempatkan foto-foto yang tepat di wedding albumnya sehingga terlihat wah.

Saya belajar nggak semua yang terlihat sempurna itu benar-benar sempurna. Saya belajar kalau foto impian nan menawan itu hasil kerja keras dan modal yang nggak sedikit.   Saya jadi nggak bisa merasa sirik pada orang yang terlihat lebih sempurna dari saya. Ya udah sih, belum tentu saya mau bekerja sekeras dia.

Foto IG misalnya. Foto bagus perlu kamera/hape bagus. Perlu makeup/prop yang bagus. Perlu diambil berkali-kali sampai dapat yang pas. Perlu nenteng orang lain sebagai fotografer terpercaya. Perlu diedit dan diberi tagar yang tepat.

Saya melihat foto IG yang sempurna malah pegal karena tahu saya nggak bisa investasi waktu, tenaga, dan uang sampai sebegitunya. Realistis sih. Saya suka lihatnya tapi saya tahu saya nggak akan sanggup, jadi saya nggak bisa sirik. Kagum iya, sirik nggak.

Di era dimana semua diedit untuk terlihat wah dan sempurna, bagi saya ini pelajaran tak ternilai. Saya seolah mampu melihat dibalik topeng yang dikenakan orang-orang. Dan disaat orang lain terjual impian diatas awan, saya bisa tetap menginjak bumi.

Karena dibalik indahnya suara seruling bambu ada tangisan bambu yang disayat, dan sekian tahun latihan si pemain seruling. Karena dibalik halusnya batik sutra ada sekian ulat sutra yang mati, dan sekian lama waktu menenun dan membatik.

Hidup ini nggak seindah dan sesempurna foto impian, jadi nggak perlu kita merasa kurang atau sirik melihat sekilas kesempurnaan orang lain. Kita nggak tahu cerita mereka. Bukan berarti lalu kita sibuk sensi ya. Nggak ada salahnya ber-Wow ria dan menghargai gegap gempita hidup.

Karena manusia begitu indah. Bahkan dikala mereka terpuruk pun ada keindahan yang bisa kita lihat, dalam kedukaan nan tragis sekalipun.  Lihat segalanya lebih dekat dan penuh rasa cinta, tanpa rasa cemburu dan keserakahan. Kita manusia itu hebat lho.

Tuhan, Ary Pulang

"Gue tuh bukan wanita baik-baik," kata saya. Saya bahkan nggak berani melihat matanya. Duduk di mobil bersama teman kencan saya, saya memutuskan bercerita tentang emotional abuse/siksaan emosional yang saya alami saat masih menikah.

Saya bercerita tentang bagaimana saya dikata-katain, bagaimana saya dibuat merasa rendah dan nggak berharga. "Walaupun gue tahu itu nggak benar, tapi ada bagian dari gue yang percaya. Mau gimana lagi. Itu ya gue. Gue udah terima kalau gue bukan wanita baik-baik."

"Ary," kata teman kencan saya sambil mengelus rambut saya perlahan, "You are created in the image of God. Kamu diciptakan dalam imaji Tuhan." Saya terdiam. Terhenyak. Walau saya tahu dia Kristen taat, saya nggak menduga itu responnya. 

Ternyata begini rasanya bertemu dengan orang yang taat beragama karena memang mencintai agama dan Tuhannya. Adem. Hangat. Lega. Rasanya saat itu seperti Tuhan sendiri yang mengelus rambut saya dan mengingatkan saya: "Kamu nggak kenapa, Nduk. Saya tetap menyayangimu."

Padahal dia bisa memperlakukan saya dengan buruk. Saya yang berangasan dan sangat seksual sangat berhak diperlakukan tanpa hormat oleh orang beriman sepertinya. Apa sih saya? Hanya seorang pendosa, seorang wanita murahan kalau menurut mantan suami saya.

Nggak lho. Diantara semua lelaki yang saya kencani, mungkin dia yang memperlakukan saya benar-benar dengan penuh hormat dan bukan hanya karena ingin meniduri saya. Yang lain sih baik dan hormat juga, tapi orang ini bisa banget bertingkah karena dia orang baik-baik dan saya bukan. Tapi nggak.

Dicurhatin sekian banyak wanita, banyak sekali yang bilang: "Walau selingkuh, suami saya itu orang baik-baik, taat beribadah, doanya lancar dan nggak putus." Saya sering juga mendengar teman 'disergap' dan dihakimi gengnya karena dianggap kurang agamanya. Jangan ditanya di medsos, yang ganas banget jadi pejuang keyboard konon demi membela agamanya.

Saya nggak mengerti. Agama apapun harusnya membuat diri kita dan sekeliling kita merasa aman dan damai. Ini yang kita bela dan kita pamerkan ke dunia itu ego kita atau agama kita? Nggak heran banyak orang yang kelihatan beragama sekadarnya. Males juga kali kalau jadinya malah deg-degan dan dipersekusi oleh orang yang konon lebih beragama.

Padahal harusnya enggak. Nggak perlu pamer dekatnya kita sama Tuhan kalau kelakuan kita nggak mendukung. Nggak perlu sombong merendahkan orang lain karena Tuhan juga nggak sombong. Nggak perlu mencari surga kalau nggak mau menciptakan surga di bumi ini.

Kami bertiga di mobil itu: saya, dia, dan Tuhan. Tuhan mengingatkan saya berharga lewat dirinya. Saya pun melihat jumawanya, kuatnya manusia lewat dia. Inilah kenapa agama dan kepercayaan itu ada, karena kita manusia mampu menjadi lebih baik, karena Tuhan ingin kita kembali kepadaNya.

Sesampainya di depan apartemen saya kami berpelukan. "Terimakasih," kata saya, "Terima kasih sudah menyelamatkanku." Saya tahu ia bahagia mendengarnya. Saya tahu Tuhan bahagia mendengarnya. Tuhan, Ary pulang.

Love

I slept the whole day on Sunday. I woke up at 8, ate an ungodly amount of breakfast, then back to sleep. I was up again at 1, ate a bunch of chocolate and downed it with some beer, then I was asleep until past 4. I forgot how painful broken heart is.

My date left my apartment around 1 the night before. We had 'the talk', and we realized we were looking for different things. I made the cut because I know he'll get hurt in the long run, and I don't want him to get hurt.

The next day, between my sleep, all I can think of was being in his arms again. Of his jokes. Of being in the car with him. Of him stroking my hair and my skin so softly as if I am the most precious girl in the world.  

I wanted to text him and tell him I will change for him, that I will be what he is looking for. But a leopard can't change its spots. Then I wished I am never a leopard. I wished I am not what I am right now. 

It was insanity. Yet as I called out his name loudly in my empty room, I realized it was something else. It was love. Looking back, even though I only met him for 5 dates, I can feel the words "I love you" on the tip of my tongue.

It's sad but it's also good. After my epic failures in 2016, I thought I couldn't love again. I didn't want to love again. I eyed men with distrust and guard my heart carefully, distanced myself so I wont get hurt anymore.

And here I am, seriously considering to change myself for a man I barely know. I can't even tell you why I am willing to do that, what's so great about him that he is worth that change. I don't know. I just want to be close to him.

This is love. Unpredictable. Irrational. Blinding. Maddening. Strong. Beautiful. Pure. Honest. It didn't work out for me this time, but I am glad I experienced it. I am glad I met him. I am glad I can love again.