Love

I slept the whole day on Sunday. I woke up at 8, ate an ungodly amount of breakfast, then back to sleep. I was up again at 1, ate a bunch of chocolate and downed it with some beer, then I was asleep until past 4. I forgot how painful broken heart is.

My date left my apartment around 1 the night before. We had 'the talk', and we realized we were looking for different things. I made the cut because I know he'll get hurt in the long run, and I don't want him to get hurt.

The next day, between my sleep, all I can think of was being in his arms again. Of his jokes. Of being in the car with him. Of him stroking my hair and my skin so softly as if I am the most precious girl in the world.  

I wanted to text him and tell him I will change for him, that I will be what he is looking for. But a leopard can't change its spots. Then I wished I am never a leopard. I wished I am not what I am right now. 

It was insanity. Yet as I called out his name loudly in my empty room, I realized it was something else. It was love. Looking back, even though I only met him for 5 dates, I can feel the words "I love you" on the tip of my tongue.

It's sad but it's also good. After my epic failures in 2016, I thought I couldn't love again. I didn't want to love again. I eyed men with distrust and guard my heart carefully, distanced myself so I wont get hurt anymore.

And here I am, seriously considering to change myself for a man I barely know. I can't even tell you why I am willing to do that, what's so great about him that he is worth that change. I don't know. I just want to be close to him.

This is love. Unpredictable. Irrational. Blinding. Maddening. Strong. Beautiful. Pure. Honest. It didn't work out for me this time, but I am glad I experienced it. I am glad I met him. I am glad I can love again.