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Sunday, May 13, 2018

I Kissed A Guy

I kissed a guy last night. Totally random guy. He took the empty seat on my table and we chat. We danced a dance, went back to the seats, and then we kissed.

It was the first time I got a random kiss from a random stranger. It was scary and embarassing, especially with other swing dancers around who might not know me by name but definitely recognize me.

But it was good. I needed it.

There were suicide bomb explosions in Indonesia last afternoon. It shook me. The amount of hate, fear, pain going through my timeline was immense. But what's worse is the amount of denial and, for some, silent approval.

I remember the seeds of hate that some people are nurturing, the "They are evil!!!" view for people who are not like them. The streak of discrimination and the obstinence to not speak out even when you disagree.

I was at a concert in Grand Park when I found out about it. I quickly turned into a mess. Dropped my phone, bumped my dance partners, absentminded. I was shaking with emotion, physically and mentally.

And then we kissed.

What I needed last night was a hug, a comfort from someone who care and understands why it unnerves me so much. Which is why I sat by myself at the club, unable to leave because I don't want to be alone.

The kisses gave me the human contact I needed to ground myself. It gave me the gentleness and physical warmth that I badly need. It reminded me that human is precious. That we are also capable of love.

In a dark world filled with fear and hate, we forgot how to human. We forgot how human feels like. We don't see us in other humans, we see danger and threat. And that is such a lonely, lonely existence.

We kissed again before he left, telling me he'll look for me again. I smiled, knowing fully well that I might never see him again. And that's fine. I got up shortly to go home, much steadier and more composed. I wont give in to fear.

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