Relationship-Phobia

Aaaand it's a wrap. My stint on online dating only lasted a good week or so. I disabled my accounts, uninstalled the apps, and getting ready to spend a good, quiet life once more. And since I am infamous for being too easily attached to people, steering clear from potential dates might be a good idea.

I want to say it's because I love my freedom. I love being independent and the free spirit in me desire to fly free: untethered and unstoppable. I also want to say it's because I want to learn to be whole as a woman, loving myself and nurturing my self-confidence. You know, all the beautiful sayings.

The truth is, I'm just lazy. I don't want to spend the time or effort to humor people just to impress them. And after seeing so many 'mating dance' through the app's messaging service, I kinda feel I've seen enough, and my time could be better spent napping. Or cooking. Or dancing.

But the real, real truth is, I'm scared. 

Dating sucks because it guarantees you nothing. There is a risk that the feeling is only a fleeting fancy, and you see their interest in you decrease almost overnight. It's both sad and painful, especially since having hopes and expectation is unavoidable. You left waking up at night questioning what you did wrong, and why aren't you good enough.

Or when the feeling is not mutual, and you felt like you are coerced, no, forced to acknowledge the other's feeling. I have heard so many variations of "But I'm a good guy!" and various guilt trip when it's my turn to ask for something. Just being nice doesn't automatically get you the kitty, and just because I'm nice doesn't mean I am ok being treated whatever one feels like it.

And then there's the lying and the cheating and the dishonesty. There are the bad breakups and vile fights and uncomfortable separation. There's the period of awkward silence and the rituals of deleting each other social media, or in some cases, blocking them. 

I'm scared of relationship. There, I said it. I'm scared of commitment. A week in the dating sites reminded me how frightened and uncomfortable I am to let anyone walk into my life again. It reminded me that I am not the easiest to deal with, nor to pair with.

My best friend told me I will find someone. That the right person will be strong enough to make me feel worth it, caring enough to make me feel comfortable and safe. That I deserve so much more than what the world has offered me so far.

And I want to believe that. I want to meet someone who'd offer to buy me ice cream instead of drinks when he first saw me. I want to meet someone who I can dance with in the living room after a hard day at work. I want to meet someone who I can talk to about my writing, my thoughts. I want to meet someone who'll love me for who I am and not for only what he chooses to see. 

But that can wait. I am not in a rush.  To be fair, even if the right person is in front of me right now there is a very, very high chance I will still run the other way. I'm good by myself, thank you.