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Thursday, February 2, 2017

Red Hot Anger

2 nights ago I snapped. Well, it is a finer way to describe temporary insanity. I wish it was just a simple annoyance or brief anger, but it wasn't. It was a full-blown storm that wreak havoc. If I was the big bad wolf, I didn't just huff and puff the houses away. That night I was ready and willing to torch the straw house and watch it aflame, break each stick into little pieces and burn the pitiful next house down, and tossed a package of C4 or dynamites to the last house. Oh, and have a slice of each pigs: happily sinking my teeth into the soft, juicy slices with the crispy charred skin and the fat juice dripping on my lips. Yes, I was that angry.

As with any madness and various condition of drunk or high, the next morning I woke up with remorse. Words I said during my anger were hideous, and the hurt and the pain I inflicted might just be irreversible. I was so embarrassed with my behavior that I can't bring myself to talk to the person I hurt during my anger. The reason might be justified, but the way I feed on my anger, or to be exact, the way I let myself being eaten by anger was not ok. That night I lust for blood, and I got some. For what, though? To satiate my pain? Since you hurt me so I'll hurt you back? In the end, all I got was blood in my hand, and a look of pain from my 'opponent'. It's not worth it.

Oftentimes we think of ourselves as good people, that we won't hurt other people. We like to think that we have such strong grip of ourselves and we won't do such thing as blind anger. Such folly. Anger is the horrible mercenary with the mean face and a sadistic smile that waited on your front door. One opening, an inch or two of your opened door and he'll be inside, bludgeoning anyone, everyone near him. We will drag him out, yet still he stays there, waiting for another chance to happen. And he will never go away.  You can bar the door, bolt it, double lock it, and even install a bullet-proof metal door; yet he'll still be there for you. And the next opening, which you will eventually have because one cannot lock him/herself in the house forever, boom.

What I wish I had done that night was inviting him for tea, instead of letting him nicely butcher other people's feeling. I wish I had sat and listened to him, understand why he wanted to come in that night. And once he, we realize there is no point of him being there, we'll hug it out, have a bit of laugh together before I showed him the front door, and then give him another big hug before he left. It is easier to see now after the bloodlust is gone, especially since that night I believe he is oh so justified to wreak havoc. The million-dollar question was never about whether we can or cannot, it was always whether we should or should not. Most often than not, the answer is should not, or at the very least to do it in a more refined way.

You see, anger is not always without merit. I could think of many times where my anger allowed me to do things I need to do. I could think of many occasions where my anger became my strength and carry me through conditions where I probably won't make it alone. As a result, there are people who refuse to talk to me, even after more than a decade. Which I find both amusing and hilarious, by the way, as their silence really is a cheap price to pay compared to the job well done. Harnessed correctly, that temporary insanity can make people reluctant to mess with you, and can very well be more coercive than mere words. Anger, like other emotion in us, needs to be understood and treated with respect.

Even so, he is a mercenary through and through; his loyalty belongs only to himself. That is how I found myself hurting the person I cared deeply. A thousand apologies hover on my tongue, and a million more in my brain; but it won't undo the things I said in anger, just like the wolf can't un-roast the pigs. The person was graceful enough to understand what I went through, but I am not as forgiving to myself. Today's writing is my atonement. I need to remember to control and understand my anger, instead of letting him run havoc and destroying my life. It won't be easy, but it needs to be done.

Controlling anger is more difficult than it sounds, because anger is intoxicating. You are filled with white hot rage, and for the brief moment, you are invincible, that only you and your feeling matters. Anger blinded you and made you only see yourself, as well as (death and) destruction to others who has awoken your anger. It could be as grievous and serious as a lover caught cheating or other lies, but it can also be as mundane as a comment or article in the news or social media posts that made you scream injustice. Although it is crucial to soothe the anger, it may not be as easy to actually realize we are in Anger. And if we did not know we are angry, how can we stop it? 

The sure-fire way is the eternal question: How does this affect others and why does this affect me? Incoherent answer is a pretty good sign we are already blinded by our anger, as well as many variations of "Does it even eff- matter??". The so-called information era (a.k.a advancement of Internet) unmask the anger in people. Open any social media these days and you will find at least one angry post/comment. Some are well reasoned, some are bred from fear. Fear creates anger, uncertainty creates fear, distrust creates uncertainty, ignorance creates distrust. Is it really a wonder that the air we breathe these days (or at the very least our social media app) seemed to be swarming with red hot anger that choke and drown us?

The answer to the changes that happen these days is not to ignore it. Ignoring things are never the answer. The answer is to act what you think best, cool-headedly, and keep the calm in you. Let your anger become your strength, your motivation to move on, yet at the same time maintain your coolness and think ahead before you act. Anger could easily take over if you are not careful, and you will end up with only destruction and remorse. The world need more peace and calm, it has seen enough of sorrow and pain. Don't let our anger lit the world on fire. Not anymore.

The memory of that night fades away a little too easy for my comfort. I had wanted it to stay long, that way I will have a reminder to not act so destructively and so humiliatingly like that; however, my brain decided to move on accordingly. Yet even from the bits and pieces I still shuddered in horror. I don't want to be in that state of anger anymore: so ugly and horrible and debilitating. I don't want to hurt. I don't want to lose myself like that. And no, I don't want people to feel the way I feel that night, and definitely not the morning after. Be it in relationships, work, or even social media, recognize that flash of rage and control it before it controls you. Things will not always work in your favor or how you like it, and thus an opening will be created. Close it tightly, and if Anger is already in, sit and talk it through. There are enough wars and unhappiness in this world, let's not let ourselves be in a state of perpetual war as well. Be at peace, my dearest. Be at peace.

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