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Monday, April 29, 2013

Slaying the Past

My ex suddenly comes back to Indonesia after years of living abroad. Upon hearing the news, my body was shaking and my mind went blank. How long has it been? It was a little over a year since we last meet and agree to go our own way, 3.5 years since we were in formal relationship, a little over 11 years of commited and loving each other, and almost 13 years of knowing him. 

Streams of thoughts flooded through my mind, then a more rapid stream of guilt ensued. Why didn't he told me he was coming home? Why can't we meet? Why can't we be friends? Did I hurt him? Why can't he see and be happy that I found and with such a good man? I hurt him bad, didn't I? In my eyes, in my standard, I have failed the relationship. I made decisions that later was crucial into some important make or break moments in our relationship, and all my decisions lead to the its dissolvement. 

My husband-to-be realize my changes, and slowly he coaxed me to tell him the complete details. Arguments soon broke, one after another, tears shed and hurtful words hurled to each other ; but I was not fighting him, I was fighting my past. I cried and ask for my fiance's acceptance, I accused that my fiance will leave me, I beg eloquently for my fiance's forgiveness; but I was actually telling these things for my ex: 
"Why wont you stay? Why wont you keep me? Why wont you forgive me? I am really really sorry I hurt you with my decisions and actions."

As a true testament of how God loves me, my fiance did not only see through my agony easily but also to help me with it. 
He assured me time and time again, that he accepts me and he will never leave. He told me that it was not my fault, that I had made decisions that was the best in such condition and he fully understand my rationale. He gave me facts that I was not compatible with my ex and that the love had probably died between me and my ex by the time it was dissolving. I wanted to believe my fiance but it was so hard. I believe I was the culprit. I refuse to believe that there is anything wrong with my ex, despite the fact that my friends were so relieved when we call it end. It feels like there is no way out, that I will pay for my "wrongs" forever, that I wont ever deserve good love because I f*cked up my last relationship.

Then my fiance told me this: "Here is how you get out:  take my hand, let me lead, and understand the dreams of intimacy I have for us.  Believe in me and my absolute acceptance and appreciation of everything you are.  I love you, Ary.  I am here to stay.  Forever. "

And he jokingly said: "Not ex, but Lex. I will never be your ex, because I will never let you go."

I wanted to believe him. I have to believe him. A wise woman once said I have endured a lot and this is my time to be happy. And I have never been happier nor feel more accepted in my whole life. It's time for me to slay my past and move forward, instead of staying there and forfeit both the present and the future. It is time for me to stop worrying other people's feeling, it is time for me to start acknowledging the hard work and efforts I have made in my previous relationship, it is time for me to live my life and enjoy the love given by my fiance and the promises of future. It's time for me to shine. 

If you read this dear Ex, I'm sorry it didn't work out. I'm sorry I hurt you. I care about you, and I hope you will always be in good spirit and found your happiness. Thank you dear friend, thank you so very much.

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