Pursuit of Happyness

My husband did his little victory dance last night. It involved a lot of hip-thrusting, arms raising, and various smug expression which all said: "Yeah I did it!". The reason? Peanut butter and jelly sandwich.

It is hard to believe this is the same man that only a year ago was a chain smoker and went bar-hopping to forget how much he hate his life. This is also the same man that a mere 6 months ago was in a constant debate on how ridiculous living in California was, that the same amount of money he paid for his huge house in Arizona was only enough to pay the rent of our small apartment here in California. And this is also the same man that a mere 2 months ago would come home and sat and watch video in the internet all night long, completely oblivious that I was also in the same house with him. He is still the same man. The only difference is that he's happy now, and he knows that he's happy.

So often I hear people say: Happiness is a choice. It was as if we can easily choose to be happy, just as easy as deciding to have pizza for dinner instead of pasta. But if you never had a pizza before, how do you know you'd prefer that over pasta? And even if you do know pizza, how do you know which would make you happiest: with pineapple instead of jalapeno, or pepperoni instead of ham? When my husband went into depression, it's one of the things people would almost always say to him: You need to be happy. Sure, but how? It's not that he didn't want to be happy, it's not that he didn't choose to be happy, it's that he didn't know how.

Happiness is not a choice. It's a state of recognition, a degree of awareness. You need to be able to see your life or your current condition objectively to find happiness, to realize whether your life was in fact really that sucks (or not). My husband got the cheat sheet. He went to Indonesia and got himself both a wife and a life changing experience. His trips to Indonesia change his whole perspective of life, and made him appreciate the perks and the infinitely easier life in the US. When I came to US, I was enthralled with all the little things that he was so accustomed to, and that in turn made him appreciate the life he lives in even more. It's the little things that counts.

Yet in a way, happiness is also a choice. In one of our heated argument during his depression period I told him: I need you to be happy because I deserve to be happy with you. As selfish as it sound, it worked. He acknowledged the things he would miss if he kept being depressed. He found things he like, and he pursued them. He laughed more. On rare occasions where his depression coming back with a vengeance, he would hold himself in tight check and wait till it went away instead of succumbing to it. He would smile even when it's difficult for him to smile. He wanted to be happy, and now that he can be happy, he choose to stay happy.

As I said, he got the cheat sheet, the (kind of) easy way to find happiness. It was by far an impressive feat, but he had his life experience and a perfectly compatible partner to help him found it. A lot of people don't have this privilege. A lot of people spend their life with the nagging emptiness inside them, which can not be satiated even with the fanciest cars or biggest houses, and even with the self-improved articles or advice from life-style gurus still couldn't see how they can be happy. As my husband put it: "I spend my youth thinking that I would be happy if I have a better car or house than my friends'; and at times I would have that urge, that insatiable craving that I just have to have something, like a designer shoe or latest gadget which I just can't rest until I have it. I don't feel that anymore."

Happiness is about being grateful, it's about accepting your situation and make the best of it, it's about self-control and desire to be better. Happiness is about loving yourself, and thus the life you live. It is not a constant condition and its intensity (or even its existence) may differ from time to time. But if you had more sunny days than rainy days, I think you did pretty good :).

My husband and I love to eat, and therefore we really enjoy our grocery shopping trips. We'd high-five when we found a good deal at the supermarket, or a simultaneously "Yes!" and arm pumping when we do price-checking and noticed we have previously bought the same item at another store for a better deal. A pizza toast on a bolilo roll for late-night snack is enough to made us grin with happiness. A trip to Santa Monica pier or a walk at The Getty was our idea of fun, but so does hanging out at the library or watching a concert in the park, or even our daily evening walk around the apartment complex. His (not-so) secret desire was to once again swing on a rope at Bali's waterfall and do a dangdut dance at the local carnival in Indonesia. Finding hidden geocache in the middle of a desert or in a busy park excites us. And yes, peanut butter and jelly sandwich for snacks. Those are the things that made us happy. What made you happy?

So What's Next?

Exactly one month ago today I decided to follow my whim and decided to take a 2 days adventure to Jakarta. Eat a lot, talk a lot, wandered a lot, those were my 2 days adventure plan. Little that I know that God decided to extend that adventure to an unknown period and to a much higher level. I fell in love.

It does sound like a plot from a cheap Hollywood flick or a lousy paperback novel, doesn't it? A man meet an exotic island girl, they fall in love at the first sight, and live happily ever after. You can insert jealous lover, doomsday thingy, or even alien attack to spice up the plot, all happened within a 48 hours time frame and voila, an instant box office or a B-type movies at the very least. If it were made into a book it can either get into bestselling list or become a book that was so bad you will never admit you read it. However it's real life, and things can be stranger than fiction. There definitely won't be any "happily ever after in the ending" because baby, things are just getting started. And Love just have no ending.

Thus my (or should I say our) new adventure started, in a 24 hours fast food joint in Jakarta (move over Elizabeth Gilbert, this is "tha new thang"!). Love to some would be as beautiful and as romantic as a picnic in the prairie during the spring bloom, it would be as devastating as joining a free-style boxing club (and even with the same physical effect) for others, or even as fancy as showing off your new Louboutin. To us, it's a river rafting adventure. Neck-breaking speed, plenty of combined efforts, everyone got dirty and wet, totally fun and richly rewarding. There will be time when all we can do is focus on how to overcome and get safely passed through a dangerous rapid as a team, but there will be time when all is calm and we get to marveled on how beautiful the nature is and how lovely it is just to be together. And then another rapid will ensue and so on, all that brings us even closer to each other. An adventure of a life time.



If you are somewhat inspired with what I wrote, don't. I wouldn't sanely suggest falling in love and be committed with a man or a woman you known and met just for 48 hours without thinking straight. First because Hollywood celebs been doing that for years and it hardly works. Second because it would be like advising someone to do a rope-less bungee jump or a shark-swimming experience: can be fatal and somewhat useless. What I do suggest is to open your mind and embark in your own adventure.

Too often we become a victim of the rules that society have build for us in the name of protection: be wary, thread your way carefully, patience is a virtue, and all that jazz. They can very much protect you indeed, but they can also rob you of what the world can offer, what life can offer. We are too busy becoming a prominent adult (with all the complications that follow) we sometimes forget how liberating it is to be a child: to do things simply because you are curious, and to do it (and liking it!) without any restraint from the society (children are pure enough to know none). Yes, one would argue because children don't know what's best for them. Well, do you [know]? It's not a matter of know or do not know, it's simply because children are more open to pain, they believe it wont last. And the fact is, it wont. Pain can't stay forever unless you nurture them, and time heals what reason cannot. It's like taking a plunge in an icy cold water: it's painfully cold, but the cold will ebbed away and you'd be so proud of yourself for daring to take the plunge. Congratulations, you've just experience life.

That night in Jakarta, as I look into his eyes and his into mine we put all reasons and notes of wisdom aside, and we found faith in each other. We decided to take the plunge, or the raft to be exact. And the trip has been both life changing for me and no less than wonderful: the childlike wonder prevail, and the adult perseverance keep us in track. One day when we finally hit our goal, finally arrive in our destination, we'd be walking hand in hand, all dirty and drenching wet and aching from the excursion. We'd smile and look into each other and say, "So what's next?". Life is too grand for just one adventure.

Wear 'Em Like (a) Diamond

"Do I love you because you're wonderful, or are you wonderful because I love you?"
- Rodger and Hammerstein's Cinderella

A friend of mine came to me the other day, happily told me how his new girl been "wearing him like a diamond". Meaning she was just so radiantly enjoying his company and has been proudly showing him off to everyone. Good for him I say, but as usual it made my mind tickle: is he or is he not a diamond? Was he that good that the girl thinks highly of him or did the girl thinks he's super special (whatever the truth is) thus made him a diamond in effect?

To be fair I would think that diamond or not diamond, it was the wearer that will determined the effect. (I know you'll read this dude, rest assure that I think you're super too. So read on lol)



As brilliantly showed by Joshua Bell and Washington Post, not many people can appreciate beauty if taken outside the context. An expensive piece of art placed in your local cafeteria without any brands or expensive tag will not be looked upon, on the contrary a child's scribble being framed and hung in a well-known museum will definitely earn accreditation. And when almost nobody took a second glance of Joshua Bell in the subway, can we really be sure that the crooner on the expensive stage really is as good as he/she was marketed? In the current civilization things need context to structure them, to give value. A diamond will not shine as bright if the wearer is ignorant of its value.

It does sound rather shallow and stupid, doesn't it? Because here's the joke: Beauty is everywhere. And everything is priceless.

When you see an item, it is impossible to fully comprehend the value and beauty of it, since we can only focus to certain characteristics and not the whole meaning of the item as it will take years of research and fruitless brooding. An bouquet of daisies can intrigued the biologist for its species and shape, the philosopher for its significance in life, and a girl simply because it looks so pretty. It is even more so when we're talking about human, since humans are like many-faceted diamonds that will shine differently if shone by a certain light or simply looked from a different angle.



A tour from my Facebook timeline will show (to most people) a motley assembly of friends: the narcissistic, the almost Buddha-ist, the boring family man, the geek, and so on. Not too interesting perhaps, especially since almost none of them showed, ah, the "real bling". However, a closer look of their education/work tells a different story: a doctor and clinic owner, a bank portfolio manager, a financial consultant, master degree in Psychiatry, scholarship graduates from Tokyo University (and German and Singapore and Italy), the list goes on forever.

These are, of course, more than enough reason for me to flaunt my friends like they're diamonds. I have not one or two amazing friends, I have the whole league of them. But this is not what makes me so proud of them.

In that timeline I see someone that is so adapt in material engineering she actually thinking (jokingly she claimed) to send David Guetta her big book of material strength because "Titanium is NOT the strongest metal as he claimed in his song!"; I see a man so dedicated to his family yet still willingly spend time as my personal IT consultant (most of my wealthy clients don't even have one!); I see a girl that dressed and think beautifully (and it's no mean feat); I see people that loves me no matter how broke, how devastated, and how less-pretty I might have been. For these reasons I'll proudly wear them like diamonds and other precious jewels. And I know they feel the same way about me.



I know, I know. It's just words, right? But think about it. What if, what if you can spot the beauty and appreciate the value in every single thing in life? In your friends, in your work, in yourself? What if you can do that? Then you'll be so proud with what you have, so satisfied and feels so complete, it was as if you are graced and decorated with all the precious materials of earth. And the effect will be just as wonderful to the people (or things) around you, because once you appreciate someone/something you have given them self confidence and pride. In the end, everybody happy.

It's all up to you. You can strut blindly as if in fake gold rolexes, or you can stop and appreciate the beauty and proudly show it off like you're covered in diamonds and jewels. An easy choice, I'd say. Me? I'm simply richer than King Solomon's wife. My loved ones ensure that ;)

Jadi, Apa yang Anda Lihat?

Mari bermain :)
Apa hal pertama yang ada di benak anda saat melihat gambar ini?


Hitam
Putih
Overweight
Montok
Tua
Muda
Pasangan
Teman
Letih
Hitam
Bahagia
Jelek
Tampan
Ga penting
Menarik


ada lagi?

Bila anda menunjukkan gambar ini ke 10 orang, belum tentu 10 orang itu akan menjawab sama. Itu karena tiap orang memiliki pandangan dan pertimbangannya sendiri, yang didapat dari pengalaman hidupnya dan didikan lingkungannya, kecuali anda menunjukkan 10 gambar ini ke orang yang memiliki pandangan yang 100% sama dengan anda (e.g. anda menunjukkan gambar ini ke perkumpulan Ku Klux Klan anda: "That bloody filthy colored nigger bitch!", and so on).

Beberapa kata-kata yang pernah dipakai untuk mendeskripsikan saya: judes, tegas, ramah, kasar, baik, cuek, setia, tidak setia, cantik, tidak menarik, montok, gemuk. Banyak yang bertolak belakang? Tentu saja. Seseorang mendeskripsikan teman saya diatas sebagai seseorang yang penuh perhatian, baik, ramah, bisa diandalkan, terpercaya; sementara orang lain mendeskripsikan dia sebagai seseorang yang lambat, tidak bisa diandalkan, dan sulit diajak berdiskusi. Mana yang benar? Mungkin semuanya.

Pernah dengar cerita 5 orang buta yang mencoba mengenali gajah? Yang memegang gading gajah berpendapat bahwa gajah tajam, licin, dan keras. Yang memegang belalainya berujar gajah itu lentur dan kuat. Yang memegang ekornya bersikukuh bahwa gajah itu kecil dan halus. Dan seterusnya. Cerita ini sering kali dipakai untuk mendeskripsikan betapa besarnya Tuhan, sedemikian besar sehingga manusia hanyalah seperti para orang buta itu yang tak mampu menangkap wujud asli kebesaran Tuhan. Menurut saya sebenarnya hal ini juga berlaku untuk manusia. Seberapapun anda pikir anda mengenal manusia lain, seberapa banyak pun anda membaca buku psikolog, tak mungkin untuk mengerti sepenuhnya seorang manusia. Ya, anda bisa mengerti sebagian dan menggunakan pengetahuan itu untuk memanipulasi, erm maksud saya mencoba memahami orang tersebut (biasa, sales). Tapi anda tak akan mengerti manusia itu sepenuhnya. Apakah anda saja mampu mengerti diri anda sendiri?

Yang menarik adalah, orang memandang orang lain berdasarkan apa yang ingin ia lihat, berdasarkan apa yang sudah terdoktrin dalam pikirannya. Seorang dosen yang keras mungkin dianggap tegas oleh mahasiswanya yang menghargai ketegasan dan empowerment, namun dianggap sadis oleh mahasiswa lainnya yang lebih menghargai kekeluargaan. Seorang kaya yang mengebut dengan mobil Ferrari nya mungkin dianggap orang hebat oleh seseorang yang menghargai barang-barang mewah namun dianggap orang norak oleh lainnya yang anti kapitalis. Itulah masalahnya, semua pandangan mereka benar. Paling tidak menurut diri mereka sendiri.

Kenapa ini penting? Karena dengan memahami bahwa sangat wajar orang lain memiliki pandangan dan pertimbangan berbeda, kita akan mampu menjadi lebih toleran kepada orang lain. Kita akan mengerti dan tidak mudah sakit hati dengan omongan orang, dan sebaliknya, kita pun akan bisa berpikir lebih luas. Siapa tahu orang yang sedemikian kita benci ini memiliki sisi baik. Yeah, mungkin kita benci orang yang kita anggap pelit, namun bila kita mengerti bahwa ia menolak nongkrong di starbux bersama kita namun rela mengeluarkan uang lebih banyak untuk saudara jauhnya yang sakit, bukankah itu akan membuat anda menjadi berpikir ulang?

Saya tidak perlu merasa sakit hati bila seseorang menyebut saya gendut, karena itu hanya di pikiran dia dan ada orang lain yang tidak berpendapat demikian. Saya pun bahagia dengan bentuk badan saya, so what. Anda tidak perlu merasa stres karena dibandingkan dengan si A yang tampak lebih dari anda (lebih kaya, lebih pintar, lebih segalanya deh), karena ada orang yang (saya yakin) menganggap anda memiliki nilai lebih daripada si A. Sekali lagi, ini bukan berarti saya memang tidak gendut atau anda memang tidak bodoh, ini hanya berarti orang-orang melihat kita secara berbeda. Daripada sibuk memikirkan omongan orang lain atau justru sibuk menilai orang lain, lebih baik anda sibuk membuat diri anda merasa nyaman dengan diri anda dan membuka diri atas kebaikan dan kelebihan orang lain. It's the key to happiness.

You Look Best When You Smile

You look best when you smile
It was like the sun shine through the cloud
Like the rainbow after the rain
Like the warm spring wind after the harsh winter
You maybe not a beauty queen
And definitely not James Bond
But seeing you smile fills my heart with gladness
Making me feel the world is such a beautiful place
So smile, angel. You'll never know who you might saved with your warm, honest smile
Cause you look best when you smile

- This note is dedicated to all that read this article. Smile, gorgeous ;) -

Live in Love

Catholic is shaken by reports of sexual abuse, but priest in Detroit keep delivering items for the needy even though their church is gone

Christian is said to be harsh and aggresive to homosexual and other religion, but my Christian foster father only spoke of love and acceptance no matter how lewd i seem to be

Hindus in India/Pakistan is responsible for viscious attack to the moslem, but my priests and books taught me only kindness and understanding the universe

Jewish is loathed by probably half of the world due to the fight for the "promised land", but they do not hesitate to back and bring justice for a little girl that being harrassed by a small group within themselves

Moslem has been pictured as "the bad dudes" and militant thanks to a small group people who thinks terrorizing will earn them respect, but an Arab helps a group of Jewish to escape Nazi while knowing fully well the horrible risk of his action.

Those are but a glimpse of how religion is portrayed and how it actually works in reality. It was never about the religion, it was always about the people.

Generalizing people based on their religion is not only stupid, but also discriminative. Saying that all Jewish are crooks, all Moslems are terrorists, all Christians are bigots is like saying all blacks are violent, all asians are stupid, all westerners are immoral. None of it true. You cant accuse a group sharing the same (unpleasant) trait just because a few member of the group act indecent. Would you like to be accused a rapist just because one of the people in your family/circle of friends is a rapist? I assume not.

These facts sound irrelevant, unimportant, can be brushed aside. But I beg to differ. The world is in crisis, and the only way to ride through the storm is to face it together. Answer truthfully: does it matter if a Moslem or a Jewish is your cashier at the supermarket? Does burger made by a devout Christian at your local fast food joint taste better? Assuming you dont know what their religion is, the answer would be NO. The reason is simple: religion is one's business with God, not with people. Except when they forced their religion during what should've been professional work, I see no reason to complain or discriminate.

Take a deep breath and try to digest this: religion is one's own business with God, it's not other people's business. Let it go. Have faith in human. All religion taught love and compassion, and all human (even the atheist) are born with it. Love one another, see through religion, skin color, or whatever difference that you can creatively find. All living things are unique and different, cherish it :)

Ooopsie, Bad Joke!

Dari infojakarta: Kami mohon maaf untuk sensitifitas feedback yg muncul dari tweet #jktketawa kami. terlepas dari kesalahan personal admin, management...

Well, that settles it :)

@infojakarta adalah salah satu akun twitter favorit saya yg selalu nge share info-info menarik tentang Jakarta, dan seringkali joke-joke yang bikin saya ngakak sendiri. Sayangnya salah satu joke nya kemarin kurang tepat dan (seolah) mengolok penderita bibir sumbing. Reaksi follower nya beragam: ada yang keras menegur, ada yang sinis (menyarankan buka akun baru khusus joke. Please deh oom), ada yang ekstrim dan langsung unfollow. Anyway, reaksinya beragam.

Kapan joke itu dibilang gagal/menyinggung? Saya ga terhibur dengan joke yang main fisik/ras/agama etc, namun bila kita aware itu yang selalu terjadi. Film warkop, iklan-iklan yang menegaskan kalau perempuan tidak kurus/putih maka ia tidak akan dapat pasangan, tweet-tweet agamis yang menghujat pemeluk agama lain, komentar-komentar tidak beradab di berita online, acara (ala) ketoprak di salah satu tv swasta yang penuh joke fisik dan kekerasan (saya masih ingat saat salah satu personelnya merusak simbol agama, dan jujur saat mereka minta maaf kelihatan banget mereka ga rela). Semua ini juga menyinggung orang lain yang "berbeda".

Saya menghargai para mas dan mbak yang sudah menegur akun yang menyinggung orang lain, semoga para mas dan mbak yth tersebut juga peka terhadap joke-joke atau berita miring/diskriminatif yang menyinggung orang lain. Kalau anda bisa dengan tegas membela penderita bibir sumbing atau autisme, maka anda juga bisa dengan tegas membela pemeluk agama lain yang dihujat atau gadis berkulit gelap yang digambarkan sulit dapat pasangan. Just try to be easy saat negur, siapa tahu mereka ga bermaksud jahat dan cuma ga peka atau kepleset :)

Sabar, Tenang, Menang

Beberapa waktu lalu saya di mention begini di Twitter:


Dan saya jadi kesal. Kebetulan sudah lama saya ikut UpdateBlog untuk sharing blog saya, namun saya termasuk yang ikutan dari lumayan awal jadi tidak ngeh soal perubahan aturan ini. Jujur saja, berapa banyak sih yang ngeh waktu ada perubahan di sistem privacy/messaging Facebook? Padahal dipakai tiap hari. Apalagi kalau infonya cuma di timeline twitter yang ada sekian ribu tweet di satu hari saja (padahal orang yang saya follow juga ga banyak).

Lalu saya e-mail mereka. Saya jelaskan bahwa saya tidak tahu perubahan ini, dan saya minta informasi lebih lanjut kenapa tidak bisa pakai link tertentu itu. Walau saya emosi karena saya merasa nada tweet nya agak kasar, saya tetap berusaha obyektif dan "dingin" saat menulis e-mail klarifikasi tersebut. Rasanya tangan sudah gatal ingin menulis di blog ini tentang pengalaman "tidak" menyenangkan saya, namun saya tenangkan diri saya. Saya pikir bila saya di posisi mereka pun saya akan kesal kok. Coba saja menghadapi sekian (ratus) ribu orang yang ga mau repot-repot membaca aturan tapi ngomel saat mereka ditegur, ga menyenangkan bukan?

Tak lama kemudian mereka membalas. Dengan sopan mereka menjelaskan permasalahannya dan meminta maaf atas ketidaknyamanan yang saya rasakan. Cool. Seperti yang saya bilang mereka bisa saja ngomel balik, apalagi saya cuma free user, but they didn't. Saya pun jadi enggan berdebat dengan orang-orang sopan begini, jadi saya mengambil jalan pintas: saya bergabung jadi donatur mereka. Donasi saya memang cuma seharga seporsi nasi padang perbulannya, tapi blog saya tetap bisa di share, dan baik saya maupun admin yang manis tidak perlu berdebat mengenai link shortener saya yang "tidak valid" tersebut. Ini baru namanya win-win solution. FYI, it works perfectly. I just love nice people, and yeah, being nice helps :)