Hard Reset

I wanted to write about everything. About how sad it is to see homeless people. About how Dave Chapelle's madness shows how shallow and hypocritical we are. About overcoming inflation and holiday gloom. There are so many things out there but here I am, stuck in my little orb.

I saw the world goes by before my eyes: Indonesia, America, Afghanistan, and many others. I laughed and I flirted and receive countless hugs from my friends. Yet mentally I am in my own little prison of the mind, unable to break free. I am there but I am not there.

A friend told me that it's ok. We all went through that phase where we had to start from zero again. Where everything we have is wiped out of existence and we have to build everything again from scratch.

I didn't know I was there. I don't want to admit I am there, or even its existence.

It hurts. I didn't want to admit how much it hurts because I don't want any man to have control over me. I don't want to love someone so deeply that it crippled me when they are gone. I am a strong independent woman that needs nobody. But it hurts. 

It hurts because I have been chasing this dream since forever. A house, a baby (pet), a man that loves me and only me. I just need to find the right person who is interested in me, I thought. I did and it failed. I just need to find the right person who will accept my love, I thought. I did and it failed. Failure after failure and I realized that love alone is not enough to keep a man. What is, then?

It's this realization that pierced me like a spear and grounded me. I tried the best I can and it's still not enough. I have moved the sun and the moon and rearranged the stars, and it's still not enough. I know the spiel of "He's not the right person for you", and I will counter that with "Does the right person even exist?"

I do not want love anymore. I do not want to hope and wish. I do not want to see my heart get shattered again. But what is left for me when my dream is shattered? When I can't see it ever happening or coming true? What is a person without the thing that fueled them?

A hard reset. That's what I need. I have been running my life under the program to make myself enough to be loved, to be kept against all odds. The smiles at dance parties, the infectious laughter at random meetups, all the crazy brazen adventures. I want to be so complete and so ready that my partner has to be crazy to even think of discarding me. I love myself because I want someone to love me too.

I need to reset all that and started a different program. Instead of running a program to find and be compatible with Husband 2.0, I need to run a program to maintain Ary.exe. The end goal is no longer a romantic happily ever after, but to live in peace with myself. I need to be complete and running properly for me.

It's hard because I feed on physical affection. I need hugs, embraces, kisses. I need hands gently stroking my hair. I need to feel someone's skin on mine. I need to see the light in somebody's eyes when they see me. My self-imposed celibacy has sent my stress level to the roof and I feel like I am slipping away. 

But I am good. I have to believe myself I am good without having to repeat that so many times and sounded like a conceited jerk. I have to believe I have more in me, and I can find another dream. I have to accept that my dream is not feasible, and it's ok.

It's ok to start anew. It's ok to find new hope, new dream, new ambition. It's ok to be by myself. 

I feel I have climbed so far up only to tumble down and found myself at the feet of the mountain. I feel I am insignificant and a failure. I feel I have lost everything I have fought for so ferociously and I just want to sit here at the feet of the mountain and weep.

I know this is temporary. Even right now, I can see hair-thin cracks on my self-imposed crystal orb. I know I will be fed up and start climbing again. I know I will be ok. Even with all my tears and my anguish, even as I cried for the death of my dream, I know when I am ready I will face the world again.

Hard reset is coming. And it's ok. It's ok to reset your dream. It's ok to be alone. I will be ok. I know that.