Habit

I have been posting a lot of sad things on my FB/blog lately, and I want you all to know I will be alright.

It has been a journey on understanding myself. I grieved for love lost the first few months, and now I am grieving for the lost companionship.

I thought I grieved so hard because I love him more than my previous marriage. It may be so, but it's also because I have less resources right now than I was 5 years ago. 

My commute was longer then. Entertainments and bars and restaurants were open. Downtown LA embraced me, occupied my thoughts. I was busy finding who I am. 

This time I have spare time to grieve. I know what I am and consequently be picky about it. I am no longer distracted by the city. I have also been living in love for almost 2 years. Missing his presence was hard.

It is normal. I have to break a habit and it's always hard. I am trying to develop new habit with people who love me. New me who has different support system. It is hard but I will be ok.

Because I don't miss kowtowing. I don't miss sitting with tears on my face over political debate. I don't miss knowing I am but a temporary being.

I have a habit and I am breaking it.