Evermore

There's the red lipstick. The thigh-high boots. Oversize sweater over itsy bitsy booty shorts. The pretty legs and the smug attitude.

There's the mischievous smile. The inappropriate jokes. The sexual innuendos. The comment on the balls and how easily they squirt in my mouth with just a gentle bite. Fish ball with roe is the best.

There's the excitement over Aldi near my new apartment. And probably 12 different places I wanted to eat at. There's home-automating my whole place. There's IKEA trips and more.

I asked my friend, "Did I not love him enough? Why am I enjoying myself instead of grieving? Or am I just an overly optimistic person whom grief had no effect? Am I not right in the head?"

He told me I was in a very bad place the weeks after my break up, and even now I am still grieving. But I get to do things that I haven't been able to do, both because of pandemic and because him and I have different preference. It's natural that I feel happy.

But a part of me felt like I betrayed him. My love for him was immense, so what right do I have to be happy? Did I not just lose a man that means the world to me? Am I really unable to love, to keep a connection?

But the hearth is still not turned on. I haven't cook anything other than instant noodle. I can't even bring myself to buy anything for my pantry. I still have to remind myself to sleep in the middle of the bed.

People still checking on me. Offers flooding in for furnitures, dinner, or simply to make sure I am ok. I might feel like I am on the path of living my best life yet again, but I am not.

I can lie about it. My friends see through it, though. I am still sad and miserable. I am still missing him like crazy. Every day I woke up with optimism and every night I ended up whispering his name. 

At some point I need to accept I can't change anything. I tried. I give my all. I can spend a lifetime blaming myself for making him hurt, or I can start accepting that it takes two to tango. I can't carry the whole dance on my own.

It physically pains me to imagine turning the stove on to cook. Nor can I bring myself, yet, to finish unpacking. I am not ready. Even as it feels like holding on to water on your palm. I am not ready.

I know time heals everything, and that gaping hole in my heart will soon be filled again. Even if it will take a while, because the hole is absurdly big and the happiness to fill it is nothing compared to my happiness with him. I know I will be fine. I know I will heal.

Yet at this time, this night, this particular point in life, it feels that the pain is... evermore.

Drunk

7.30 pm passing on the floor

Too drunk to find plugs for my inflatable mattress

Too drunk to care about sleeping on the floor

Too drunk for anything else

I shouldn't polish half bottle of the plum wine

I shouldn't be so loud at the restaurant

I probably should stop crying

I probably should just go to bed

But f-ck you for your white picket fence dream

F-ck you for your Tiffany blue bedroom promise

F-ck you for making me believe this is forever

F-ck you for disconnecting me to our pup

The floor is hard but reality is even harder

I was never enough

I was never important

I was never worth the fight

F-ck you for making me cry all the way

F-ck you for the zombie mode I was in

F-ck you for the mess you put me through

F-ck you for this loss and heartache

Yet I still hold Darthsy tight tonight

Crying harder because your recorded voice was gone

Your face is still etched in my mind

But you are gone. Gone. Gone.

F-ck me for hurting you so bad

F-ck me for making you cry

F-ck my standard and my pride

F-ck my stormy anger towards you

I can't tell you how much I love you then

I can't tell you how much I love you still

I can't tell you how much I misses you

I can't tell you how much you mean to me

There will be time for glorious post

For inspiring transformation and great achievements

But now is the time for tears and pain

For you were my dream come true

You were my world, my sun, my moon

You were a treasure hoard and I am the dragon

You made me a princess when I was just a whore

You were everything good and right in this world

I miss you

I love you

I want you

I worship you

And baby please be good

Please remember you are wanted

You were loved beyond love

You are amazing, kind, and precious

My new place is full but my heart is empty

The gaping hole inside me refuse to close

The tears flowing freely like waterfall

The breaths are short and unwelcoming

I love you beyond everything, my precious

This is why it's so painful

Not just for how you make me feel

But for the person you really are

Goodbye my precious. Good bye.

Tonight

I promise myself I will never walk in that dark place again

I promise that my heart will be locked

Safe and secure where it should be

I promise myself I will never love again

But I foolishly did

Head over heel

Heart over logic

Betting against the odd

And I lost.

The sun is shining but my mind is dark

The warmth of spring touch it not

It feels like an eternal storm inside

Wailing and crushing and full of misery

You will be fine, they say

This will pass, they say

You deserve better, they say

You are the storm, they say

Maybe I am, but not tonight

Tonight is drowning slowly like Artax

Heart plucked away like Prometheus

Crashing spectacularly like Icarus

The madness of Juliet upon dead Romeo

Tonight is unconsolable grief

The stricken fear for the future

Unkind voices that put me in place

Tiredness which envelopes

Give me tonight. Just this night.

Morning will come, supposedly

Rain will stop, supposedly

Snow will melt, supposedly

I will smile again, supposedly

But at the moment the night is neverending

No escape from the dark and the cold

Hands grasping for help in empty space

Lost. Lost. Lost.

Tonight. Just for tonight. 

Let me lay with our dead commitment

Let me weep on the corpse of our future

Let me wail for the lost of your love

Let me cry for the could have beens

Things will be better but not tonight

Tonight is the dark place I have to walked again

The cold. The pain. The lonesomeness.

Tonight. Let me be me tonight.

Gazebo

I helped my friend built her gazebo today. My friend was a total DIY girl and I learned a lot about tool names and their different usage, but I learned more than that.

Building that gazebo is like building a relationship. (Or is it the other way around?). There's so many parts and pieces. Some were obviously big enough to spot, some were small but mighty essential. Like the screws. You will get screwed for that.

There's sitting together trying to figure out which part goes where. There's the reading the manual together to ensure we both understand what the final product will be. There's a lot of goofing off on the start, only to panicking midway because it seems you wasted precious time.

Then there's the arguing which is the best way to do something. There's the accusations on who misplaced what. There's the tiredness and the feeling this is not going anywhere. There's doubt that you actually going to have it up/finish the project. Like, Ever.

But there's the introduction of new tools to make the project easier. There's the watching YouTube together for help. There's a moment where one realize the project should have been done in a different way, and the other accepted it. 

All of these requires acceptance, actually. Humbleness to understand one is not infallible. Respect for the other party and that their opinion matters too. That they might know and see things we don't. Trust to go the lengthy journey it takes to reach the finish line.

And one of the most important parts that I learned today is the ability to step back for a bit. We take turns to remind each other to take breaks. We also stopped after a certain time. We can keep going but we will be very tired and angry, and we will ended up having negative feeling towards the gazebo.

I mean why not? I am going to helped her to the very end. She knows this. The end goal is there. We see the almost finished product. We agreed on it. A little rest won't jeopardize our project. If anything, it lets us to enjoy the journey; to embrace the experience it offers.

My own gazebo is currently in ruins. It was half-finished and abandoned. I am still weeping knowing I will never see the finished product. I am still angry because I feel I wasted all those time and effort.

Yet it won't be in ruin forever. Once my tears dried I will disassemble this half-build project. I will salvage the parts, fix the ones I can fix, and looking into getting new parts that I can't salvage. And I will set everything in order, ready for the next time someone who wants to build it with me come along.

I will wait. Good things are worth waiting for. And yeah, I am kinda good.

Merdeka

Sepulangnya saya dari wawancara kewarganegaraan siang ini, saya langsung tertidur pulas di sofa. Tidur siang yang niat seniat-niatnya, hampir seperti orang mati; yang bangun tidur grogi dan tidak tahu jam berapa atau saya dimana. Tapi rasanya puas dan lega, seperti tak ada beban lagi. 

Ternyata ini rasanya kebebasan.

Semenjak kami bercerai di Juli 2016, si mantan suami tak henti mengganggu saya. Bahkan setelah resmi menikah dengan istri baru dan diboyong ke Los Angeles, pesan-pesan di blog dan e-mail saya tak berhenti. Kadang berhenti sebentar, tapi ia selalu datang kembali. Semua pasangan saya dikomentari jahat, saya dikata-katai dan dibandingkan dengan istri baru, tapi pernyataan cinta juga tak berhenti. Ini maunya apa sih?

Rasanya saya tak pernah bisa lepas dari cengkeramannya. Bahkan saat saya maju sidang meminta restraining order agar ia tak boleh lagi mengontak saya, ia masih berusaha berkuasa atas diri saya. Untungnya hakim bisa melihat ini dan mengabulkan permintaan saya. Tapi walau menang, saya masih tidak tenang.

Dia masih bisa banding, dan selama sebulan-dua setelah sidang saya sibuk deg-degan menunggu surat banding yang untungnya tidak tiba. Saat di pengadilan ia juga berargumen bahwa ia berhak menghubungi saya karena ia masih sponsor saya dan bertanggung jawab agar saya tak perlu bantuan pemerintah. Sponsor ini hanya berlaku sampai saya bekerja full 10 tahun, atau saya menjadi warga negara Amerika. Jadi selama itu pula saya masih akan terikat dengannya.

Saat itu sebenarnya saya sudah ditengah proses mengajukan pindah kewarganegaraan, tapi jujur saya takut ia akan berusaha menyabotasenya. Dia bukan orang yang akan terima begitu saja 'mainan'nya kabur dan berdasar argument-argumennya di pengadilan, ia tak merasa yang ia lakukan salah. Justru menurutnya saya yang salah. Saya yang membuatnya seperti ini, saya yang menghancurkan cinta kami.

Dan benar saja, salah satu pertanyaan saat interview adalah kenapa pernikahan kami bubar tak lama setelah saya menerima green card 10 tahun. Kalau saja saya tidak punya sekian bukti perselingkuhan dan abuse plus restraining order saya, bukan tak mungkin hasil aplikasi saya dipengaruhi oleh 'bisikan' anonim.

Hidup begini rasanya… sesak. Seolah tangannya selalu ada di leher saya, siap mencekik dan menghukum bila saya tak bersikap seperti apa yang inginkan. Saya merasa saya tidak boleh bahagia. Apapun yang saya lakukan, saya harus mempertimbangkan apa reaksi dia. Tak perduli bahwa kami sudah berpisah dan memiliki pasangan masing-masing.

Inilah kenapa begitu saya lolos interview saya langsung terkapar. Hilang sudah beban saya. Elu mau ngapain gue lagi sekarang? Tidak ada lagi ikatan apapun antara dia dan saya. Tidak ada lagi ancaman bahwa ia bisa menyabotase status imigrasi saya. Sekarang saya bebas. Merdeka.

This is not an easy journey. Ini bukanlah perjalanan yang mudah. Saya berhutang banyak pada orang-orang dekat saya yang terus menguatkan saya. Dan walau sekarang saya bebas darinya, saya masih berjuang menyembuhkan mental saya dari sisa-sisa abusenya.

Tapi itu masalah nanti. Saat ini saya hanya ingin merayakan. Saya bangga dengan diri saya sendiri dan apa yang sudah saya capai. Saya bahagia akan kemerdekaan saya. Good job, Ary. Good job.