Apathy

I tried to read Malcolm Gladwell's book Talking to Stranger. I love Malcolm Gladwell. I read all his book devoutly. This time, the first chapter was about police brutality. I close the book after a mere two pages.

I am angry at myself. This is a cowardly move. I pride my ability to be objective and here I am, failing hard. There could be good things I can get from his writing. Maybe if I just skim it quickly? I returned the book instead.

I was not always like this. When I first came to the US, I was like a blank sheet of paper. Race was mere variety like clothing one might wear, only permanent. Politic means nothing to me. There was a time when I was genuinely scared of Trump.

It also wasn't because of the people I am surrounded with. Living in the heart of Downtown LA means around me is blue, progressive, woke. Combined with my time being a minority in Indonesia I should follow suit, right?

I can't.

I don't understand why it's discrimination when white is excluding other race but empowerment when other race excluding white (or anyone that's not theirs).

I don't understand why people so angry about the police instead of trying to lower the crime rate in their neighborhood since the brutality is direct result of the stress the police are having.

I don't understand why people are so vocal about opening the borders when it has always been the case throughout the world. The visa requirements are there for a reason.

I don't understand why I can't voice my opinion without  being considered trash, even when my opinion is valid. Just because it's not the usual "Orange man is bad!" doesn't mean what I have to say is meaningless.

The more the media and people around me forced their opinion on me, the more I hated it. I won't hang with someone who spread unfounded rumor or who keeps bashing people in real life, I did the same here.

It was to the point where I don't read any news about the president, police brutality, or others. If it's going to be a version of "Orange man/government/police/big companies/rich people is bad" with no solution, why bother?

Someone told me Trump is going to win again because the hate culture he brings that nurtured the white supremacists. I yelled that maybe because everyone refuse to hear our voice, and then I stomped out in anger.

I am bitter from what I see as injustice. I am blinded from the unfairness I felt is thrusted on me. I am disgusted from feeling like we're being used like the hungry children of Africa. I am sick of not being heard.

I am not alone. There are many who are like me. Many who are just so done with constant "Well he did this yesterday" that we tune out this white noise. You can tell as much as you want about how horrible Slutty Mary is but don't be surprised when people grew tired of it and see you as the villain instead.

But blocking myself like this won't do me any good. The best way to win over your enemy is to understand them. We have proven over and over again how little we can achieve by limiting ourselves to what we want to hear, to what we are comfortable with.

My story could be a liberal/democrat story in a conservative/republican community. The story of an omnivore in vegan community and vice versa. The bottom line is: if we don't listen and try to understand others, we are not  going to achieve anything.

I want to say I already put the request in to borrow the e-book again from the library, but I haven't.

It took great courage and humbleness to overcome one's prejudice. It took the strongest love and empathy to wanted to hear what others have to say especially when it's against what you believe. It took time and practice to be in such mental strength.

I will be there again. Not tonight. Maybe not tomorrow. I will be there again, though. Because hate and anger is only going to rot you inside. They always do.