2018 is the year of Relationship for me. Last year, 2017, was definitely the year of growth, with my writing become viral in Indonesia and my self-help book published soon after. I obtained licensed to sell securities and life insurance, a great deal for an ESL speaker like me. I learn how to swing dance socially.
In 2017 I realize life has so much to offer, and I am up for the challenge. This was a stark difference than 2016, where all was marred by my divorce. Looking back, 2016 is the year where I lost pretty much everything, including myself and my confidence. Yet here I am.
This year I lost a lot of friends. I found my true ride or die squad. First Valentine gift. First random flowers. First saying yes to be someone's girlfriend after avoiding the concept of formal relationship since I got my divorce. First time looking at myself in the mirror and loving every chubby fat and seductive smile I have.
It wasn't easy. There's a lot of tears falling. I missed my (ex) best friend a lot. I sat in lonely silence knowing I was excommunicated from one of my circles. I cried for the failed attempts of relationship. I'd stand in the dance floor, feeling like non-exist in the midst of the crowd.
Usually, when things didn't work out for me I have no say on what had happened. This time it was different. I could've kept the relationships I wanted had I been willing to compromise. I wasn't willing to. This year I did (and do) what I think is best for me, what I think is right for me, while fully aware of the consequences.
That doesn't mean I don't bitch. Of course I do. It sucks to have your hopes dashed to the floor. I can't tell you how many times my poor BFF had to listen yet again of my rant or to give me a hug while I had a meltdown (after he deemed I am sane and safe enough to approach).
That means this year, I learn to know my worth. I learn to realize what I want in a relationship. I learn to choose what kind of person or people I want to be involved with. Most importantly, I learn to not back out or cutting myself short just because I am scared to be lonely.
That is big. I am always plagued by fear of abandonment and acceptance issue. To be able to consciously choose to be alone and not accepted is an impressive leap for me. This doesn't mean my BFF escape the constant "Am I not good enough?" whining from me, but it's a start.
Because I am good enough. They too are good enough. It's just not the right fit, and it's ok. We met. We had fun. With each relationship, both romantic or friendship, both successful and unsuccessful, I realized what I really, truly want in life. It's definitely a journey.
It is ok to not get that booty call anymore. It is ok to sleep alone instead of with someone reading next to me until the late hour. It is ok to not curled up in somebody's arm and fall asleep in a bliss. It is ok to not having someone to gossip on your latest prey or to cry when it failed. It is ok to be left alone because of your belief and/or political stance. It's ok to be me.
I look at myself in the mirror more easily. Selfies happen more frequently. I walk with my head up high and a confident smile on my face. I love myself more. Loneliness often strikes, and the fear haunts me. But it's ok. I like myself now. I can live with her. We'll be just fine.
Hello, 2019. Come forth.
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