The Forgotten Life

I was googling some info on Singapore for work thingy when the thought hit me: "F*ck. Why didn't I go to Singapore instead of going home to Bali this March?"

I had my honeymoon in the Marina Bay Sands hotel. Everything is so fancy, so luxurious. We got upgraded into the suite with two (yes two!) separate toilet, his and hers. The nighttime view was breathtaking, and the late-night stroll was impeccable.

Outside the hotel, the tram system was amazing. Everything feels so clean, so organized, so safe. At least until we move to an AirBnB in the lesser part of the town, then holy sh*t. But even then, it was still an amazing, adventurous experience.

Gardens by The Bay was incredible. And if I am left to my own devices I will surely eat my way around the city, or just pondering around. The only thing that's stopping me is my cash flow (Singapore is expensive!) and the fact that I thought I hate Singapore. Until now.

I tried to bury my honeymoon deep in my mind. Lock it away and throw away the key, so to speak. What I remember was fighting with him. Crying by myself in the room. Walking in eggshell, so scared I would accidentally incite his anger. Not knowing that this is a life I don't want and instead questioning maybe I do deserve this. Can't say anything since it's his money that paid for the trip.

But I did have fun, as what I write above. I just don't realize it then. I feel lucky now that I am able to absorb such information, emotion, and wonder even when my heart froze and my brain cowers from fear.  I guess there's no escape for a sensualist like me. I love life too much.

The truth is, they can't take that away from you. They can try to distract you from experiencing the best life that you have by intimidating you, by forcing you to feel a different way. They can make you burst in tears, but in reality, the roses will still look as beautiful and smell as sweet.

I have been dragged down, and at times I still found myself in the hellhole he helped create. There you feel like there's no escape, no light shines through, no hope. You are worthless. You are awful. Everything is meaningless and that's where you should be.

It's not, though. The beauty of the world is still there. Just because we are drowned and locked in that hellhole, it doesn't mean the world cease to exist. They can't take the beauty of the world away from us, from anyone. They have no power over it, and therefore, no power over us.

Cry if you need to cry. Indulge in the darkness that surrounds you. Be bitter, be angry with how you are treated. Take as much time as you need to grief. Yet never close your eyes to the beauty around you. Life is beautiful. The world is amazing. It will never cease to be anything than magnificent.

You too, are magnificent. It will take time to heal, to escape from that hellhole of degradation and abuse. But during that time, flowers will bloom as beautiful as ever, die their graceful death, and then rise and bloom again. So will you. Chin up, you beautiful soul, you. They can't take that away from you. Never can.