Going Out Monday Night

What was it like going out on a Monday night? Half-dead half-alive condition the next day, supported only by juice shots and copious amount of coffee, as well as grease-laden chicken waffle sandwich. Yuck.

Will I do that again? Hell no. Do I regret it? F--- no.

Life is a journey, and I savor each moment of it. Each little details, each little adventures, each little escapades, every thing counts. Including being zombified on Tuesday morning, with my 40 miles commute.

I think I am lucky. I am very, very lucky. Looking back, everything that happened in my life has been memorable, fun, educating, just amazingness all round.

Nerd school. Medical student. Campus organization. English Tutor for different levels of age. Wedding photography sales person. Supplement company liaison officer. Published writer.

Devoted girlfriend, Romeo and Juliet style. Weird spinster. Loving stepmom in an almost white-picket-fence society. A wife. A daughter-in-law. A bitter divorcee. A fierce single-woman.

There were times when I was attacked for things I did, times where I was made ashamed of my life decisions. Yet looking back, I can almost always say: "That was actually pretty effing rad."

There were those late-night moments cramming for the tests. There were those warming moments with my family. There were those blurred days and nights when my world crumble to pieces.

There were nights of flirts and seductions. There were days of loving and adoration. There were times of children laughter and tender touches. There were times of sorrow and times of joy.

There were choked voice and streaming tears as I said "I do". There were high-pitched scream and various "F--- you!!!" There were a few "Umm can I die yet?" There were blushed cheeks as I realized and/or validated: "You're good".

And then there were beer-tasted kisses in the club, with Phil Collins blaring in what supposedly Motown Night and everyone looked like they were having fun but nervous about working tomorrow. Well, maybe just me.

Why is the experience of going out on a Monday night so profound for me? Because why not? Because it was my first. Because I live and breathe even the tiniest, most mediocre moments and use them to build who I am.

In life, there will always be that "Whoa!" moments. Some are positive, some are negative. All equally important. All equally beautiful. It's the musical notes of a song that compliment one another.

Enjoying these little moments, these "Whoa"s, these 'first's, allow us to anchor ourselves, to find ourselves. It allow us to embrace life and loving it for what it is, and eventually, loving ourselves for who we are.

There are things that I wish could have happened differently, but I don't regret it. Good or bad, they shaped me into who I am now. And I like who I am now, with all the scars and all the strength.

When they say live life, it doesn't always mean hauling your ass to idyllic instagrammable locations. Sometimes it means enjoying the moments, what little things we have right now, and found happiness there.

I can't tell you how good it feels to hit the bed and composing this article, knowing fully well I can catch up my sleep tonight after that long, long Monday night. Will I do it again? Nope. Not a chance. But I am glad I did. So glad I did.

When The System Failed

I remember standing in front of the police station, shaking and crying. In my hand was printed pages from a threatening e-mail my ex-husband sent me. It was so bad my office fear for my safety.

But the officers told me there was no red flag there, only inappropriate words. That I should move out ASAP and get a restraining order. I told them he has a gun. They replied: "Everybody has a gun."

A few months later I was back, with a printed screenshot of his message and a friend, saying he dreamt of ways to kill my boyfriend and my family.

It's enough threat for County Sheriff in AZ. Enough threat to warrant a restraining order in OC. Not enough for me in LA, despite the fact I am pretty much the target.

But the authorities are not the only one who failed me. Even before the emails or the divorce I have told his family about him, begged them to intervene.

The result? When I called his father to please stop him from threatening my family in Indonesia, I was told to go back home and protect them myself.

When I read the news about how the students have tried to report the shooter for threatening behavior, the memories came flooding back.

Sometimes authorities are swamped and unable to differentiate which is important and which is a mere petty matter, especially in a high-demand area.

Sometimes, though, all it takes is neglect and reluctance to see the danger a person pose, an insistence to not see evil in order to keep the mirage of 'peaceful life'.

My ex was a middle-class well-respected white male, which you can hardly think capable of doing harm. As he chillingly told me: "Of course they didn't find red flags. I am smart enough to do so."

"He is just all talk." "He won't do anything." "I can't see him having enough balls to hurt you." Guess what? Even with a small percent risk him hurting me when he hurt me I will 100% get hurt.

But nobody did anything. After all the threats, including revenge porn, I hoped he would actually come and attack me. A broken bone or two, or even my naked pics on the web, means nothing if he can be safe behind bars.

I was lucky. Nothing happened to me. The kids in Florida? Not so much. 

Maybe it is time we stop being so desensitized to violence. Maybe it is time we stop making excuses for violence. The poor "Troubled" or "Anguished" individuals still have the potency to hurt people. 

This doesn't mean shunning them. This means being more aware of them, more alert to possible altercation or emotion rush. This means getting them the help they need.

This means protecting people around you. For someone who got hurt or even killed, why the other person did it doesn't really mean much. It still hurts. They are still dead.

This means standing up for others. This means letting other people know that it is not cool to hurt others. This means not looking the other way because you don't want your perfect world to be tainted.

Even with all of these, a rogue crazy dude or dudette will still find a way or two to do some craziness, to hurt others. But please, please don't stop trying.

In this world full of confusion and fear, are we not our brothers' and sisters' keeper? Are we really willing to strip our humanity by refusing to act just because we can't be bothered with 'crazy people'?

The system failed me. The system failed the kids in Florida. Let's make sure it doesn't fail again. Let's make sure everyone, everywhere, can be safe.

We can do this. It takes a lot of courage and personal strength, but we can do this. We have to do this.

Rest in peace, young souls. Change is coming.

Kapan Kawin?

"Yah, aku sih berharap bisa punya keluarga kecil, dengan suami yang menyayangi aku dan mampu menghidupi aku dan anak-anak, dan aku pun bisa kerja untuk membantu orangtuaku."

Saya terhenyak mendengar harapan teman saya. Itu impian saya dulu, yang saya kejar hingga ke Amerika. Yang saya pertahankan mati-matian. Biar lengkap hidup saya. Biar saya nggak dicap 'gagal'.

3 tahun saya menjadi istri, saya bahagia lahir batin. Ceritanya. Seharusnya. Tapi menikah itu kan nggak cuma soal 'berhasil' membina keluarga dan membesarkan anak. Hidup lebih hanya dari sekedar itu.

Masih ada pesta dansa dan kumpul bareng teman. Masih ada berpetualang melihat dunia, baik yang dekat rumah maupun entah dimana. Masih ada pencapaian diri yang bisa diraih, untuk diri sendiri atau dunia.

Saat saya menjadi istri dan ibu tiri, saya merasa komplit. Stress sedikit pasti ada, tapi pelukan hangat anak tiri saat bertemu atau senyuman suami saat sedang mesra membuat segala masalah seolah taka da artinya. Ini hidup saya. Saya bahagia.

Tapi sekarang single/jomblo, saya juga merasa komplit. Saya bebas bertualang kemana saja. Saya bisa melangkah penuh percaya diri di restoran dan konser musik. Saya bisa tertawa lepas dan menjadi diri saya sendiri. Ini juga hidup saya.

Walau kita punya Kartini dan Sri Mulyani dan Susi Pudjiastuti dan Megawati, di Indonesia kebanyakan masih melihat tujuan hidup (baca: kodrat) wanita adalah keluarga. Nggak banyak orangtua yang bilang: "Anakku, jadilah orang hebat. Temukan kebahagiaanmu."

Karena yang hebat adalah membina keluarga, menjadi istri teladan dan ibu idaman. Bahagia adalah saat anak-anak sehat dan tidak terjerumus, saat kehidupan dengan suami harmonis, keluarga nan sempurna.

Lalu bagaimana saat badai melanda? Apa yang wanita teladan ini bisa lakukan demi melindungi keluarganya? Apa yang bisa ia lakukan untuk melindungi dirinya sendiri agar tak jatuh dalam jurang keputus-asaan?

Kalau saya nggak punya passion/dedikasi untuk kerjaan saya, atau untuk tulisan saya, saya bisa gila saat bercerai dengan suami saya. Jauh-jauh ke Amerika, bukannya diperjuangkan eh malah dipersalahkan. Harus hidup sendiri pula.

Begitu pula saat saya masih di Indonesia. Digosipin bahwa saya nggak laku? Nggak kenapa. Klien saya bahagia dengan hasil kerja saya. Dihina karena jelek? Nggak kenapa. Angka penjualan saya lumayan oke syalala. Pencapaian saya adalah pegangan saya.

Wanita yang utuh adalah asset bukan hanya untuk dirinya sendiri, namun juga untuk keluarga dan orang-orang disekelilingnya. Saat Suami/Ayah nggak ada, kepada Ibulah tempat kita bergantung. Iya nggak sih??

Tapi bagaimana saat sang wanita tidak bahagia? Saat sang wanita tidak siap? Saat sang wanita justru membutuhkan pertolongan dan bukannya memberikan pertolongan? Apa jadinya ia dan orang disekelilingnya?

Sayangnya banyak orang yang dengan enteng berkata: "Kapan kawin?" Seolah nilai wanita dilihat dari laku atau nggaknya, dan bukan dari siapa dia dan pencapaiannya. Wanita yang mendengar pun merasa harus secepatnya kawin.

Bukan demi cinta. Bukan karena percaya ini pasangan hidup yang terbaik. Bukan karena yakin bisa setia selamanya. Tapi karena "Ya sudahlah". Karena capek diomongin. Karena sudah 'umur'. Karena percaya dengan menikah semua akan menjadi indah.

Lalu kalau tidak cocok bagaimana? Kalau salah satu menemukan pasangan baru bagaimana? Kalau akhirnya malah hidup serasa di neraka karena terus bertengkar bagaimana? Kalau salah satu (atau keduanya) tersakiti bagaimana?

"Kapan nikah" akan menjadi "Kapan punya anak", yang akan menjadi "Kapan punya anak (laki/perempuan)", lalu "Kapan punya rumah", dan "Kapan punya mobil", dan seterusnya. Nggak akan berhenti pertanyaan itu.

Bukan kita yang harus membuktikan diri pada orang ini agar kita 'komplit'. Orang seperti ini hanya melontarkan ketidakpercayaan dirinya, melontarkan apa yang ia pikir benar tanpa peduli perasaan kita. Bukan demi kita, tapi demi dia.

Seringkali, orang yang sibuk menggunjingkan kita adalah orang yang sibuk digunjingkan di sekelilingnya. Lingkaran setannya komplit deh. Apa faedahnya bagi mereka? Mereka merasa 'benar'. Apa faedahnya bagi kita? Nggak ada.

Dunia sudah berubah. Wanita bukan lagi mahluk lemah yang perlu perlindungan lelaki. Pernikahan bukan lagi satu-satunya jalan wanita bisa 'dinafkahi'. Kebahagiaan wanita dan pasangannya lebih penting dari sekedar 'menikah'.

Karena dunia yang sekarang itu kejam. Dunia yang sekarang penuh kebencian dan keputusasaan. Dan darimana kita bisa mendapatkan kasih? Ya dari wanita. Bukan berarti lelaki nggak penuh cinta, tapi faktanya mereka lebih terbatas mengekspresikannya.

Kalau kamu wanita dan membaca ini, kamu yang mencari kebahagiaanmu dan apa yang membuatmu sempurna bukanlah sebuah tindakan egois. Lihat itu sebagai investasi untuk masa depanmu dan keluargamu. Ingat, pencapaianmu adalah peganganmu saat badai melanda.

Kalau kamu lelaki dan membaca ini, biarkan pasanganmu mekar sempurna. Jangan petik dia semasih kuncup dan menaruhnya dalam pajangan, terbelenggu oleh ketidakpercayaan dirimu. Bukankah lelaki hebat berhak mendapat pasangan yang tak kalah hebat?

Kalau kamu yang hobi bertanya: "Kapan nikah?" Sudah ya, jangan sensi begitu. Dunia dan dirimu nggak akan jadi lebih baik dengan kamu mencampuri urusan orang. Lihat dan terima orang lain apa adanya, berbahagialah akan kebahagiannya walau berbeda dengan 'standar'mu.

Karena pernikahan bukanlah suatu akhir. Pernikahan adalah sebuah perjalanan baru yang seharusnya membuat kedua pihak berkembang dan menjadi lebih baik. Taman yang indah dimulai dari bibit yang baik, bukan?

Kapan nikah? Kapan-kapan. Saat saya siap. Saat pasangan saya siap. Saat saya dan pasangan merasa sudah saatnya kami melebarkan sayap kami, bagai merger/gabungan dua perusahaan besar. Saat ini biarkan saya mengembangkan diri saya sendiri.

Percaya diri ya para pembaca. Anda berhak berbahagia dan mencintai diri anda sendiri. Salam sayang dari Los Angeles.

The Ugly Gal Valentine

I am the ugly kid who never got a Valentine. Seriously. I am ugly AF. The kind-hearted nerdy sassy gal that is fun to hang with but not attractive enough to date or to keep.

And here I am. With a Valentine.

Granted, it is only a "You are an awesome friend!" Valentine, but it is much, much better than what I ever had, which ranged from me asking for it to my toddler stepson that insisted: "Daddy, let's get something for her!"

It's a capitalism holiday, I told myself. Indonesian don't celebrate Valentine anyway. But it wasn't the holiday itself that I longed for. It was the feeling of appreciated, wanted, or even loved.

Low self confidence is not a physical trait. You can't see it with naked eyes. You might catch a glimpse in the nervous look or insecure quips, just barely visible. Yet inside, it chained the person down.

For me, it is the constant reminder from my society that I am not good enough. That I don't fit the mold. That I am a weird, a freak, an embarassment. Day in, day out, rejection all around.

The current me realized it was just their own insecurity, projected towards people who are different than standard. Giving themselves a false sense of security by dragging others down.

Still it hurts. Still it breaks me. Still I asked anyone who say I am attractive: "What do you want from me?" Because attractive me just doesn't sound right.

I have a slew of people who'll say I am wrong. And a handful who'll give me the "not again" eye roll. Which is why I started to accept the compliment as, well, compliment. 

See how greatly the words we say affect others? It can destroy others or it can build others. This is why it is important for us to think through our words before we speak it.

I am chubby. I am not fair-skinned. I don't have a regal face. I am not tall, nor petite. I am not rich. I don't have a fancy job. I am a non-standard standard Jane, that is unorthodox enough to be considered 'the wrong kind'.

But I got a Valentine this year. A solid proof at least one person thinks I am ok. I think. So you know what? Screw other people's insecure condescending criticism. I am good the way I am.

And yeah, do good things to others, and say encouraging things. Make somebody feel they are worth it. It helps. It really helps. Happy Valentine, lovelies.

Sexy Olympians And The Right To Violate

The sexy oily Tonga Olympian is back. Last time he made a splash I was all too eager on sharing his pic pretty much everywhere, with the not-so-subtle caption regarding his physique. This time, not so much.

The slew of sexual harassment claims throughout 2017 made me see the world in a new way: it sucks to be objectified. It sucks being looked as if you are an object without feelings, or that your merit in life is just your physique. 

So I stopped doing that. I stopped sharing sexy dude pics. I stopped following social media where the post is all about how hot and sexy some dudes are. I cringed at posts that imply sexual actions to hot dudes. I can't do it anymore.

For someone who is very sexual, it is hard. I like men. I am not going to deny it. If my face can betray what I was thinking I will be in a lot of trouble most of the times. I am known to speak very openly and sensually when I feel like to.

And why not? Don't they like it too? I am not unattractive. I know I can make their time worthwhile in the bedroom. And won't that boost their ego that this cute dame wanted them? And hey, they don't have to awkwardly ask for it. Yay!

This is wrong for two reasons: stereotyping and equality. I am stereotyping men as heartless sex craze who wants nothing but sexual favors. But some might feel a personal connection is more important. Some might want it to be special instead of slam-bam-thank-you-sir.

Equality, to put it bluntly: I don't want any of the women I know (or don't know) being put in their situation. To be publicly sexualized, to be stereotyped as "She wants it anyway", to be seen as nothing but an object to fulfill sexual desires.

For us women, I think the keyword is the phrase "It is inappropriate". It is inappropriate and unacceptable to show our sexual desires, so unladylike. Which is why we (I) see women who are more open sexually as 'badass'. They are a disgrace to some, but we adore them nonetheless.

I feel a surge of power by saying out loudly: "He's so hot I'd f*ck his brain out" or something similar. I feel I have power over someone by hitting on him hard and see him blushed. I feel great flirting with men, knowing I can please them in many ways.

In the end, it's all about power. About me feeling powerful over men. And why not? They have oppressed women for so long. They have been doing this since forever. Why can't I do it? Besides, they love it. It is fun. Stop taking it so hard. It's a game, not a dick.

But two wrong doesn't make a right. Well, three left does. By forcing myself on them, by dismissing what they might feel and preferred I have robbed their self-worth. "Here, you are nothing but a toy. Now let's play." How is this fun and comfortable?

"Men are just men," you might say in disgust. Well, some men think "Women are just women" in disgust too. It's not about gender. It's about respecting others. It's about not violating other people. It's about self-restriction and empathy. It's about being decent.

Read this note again from top to bottom, replacing the word 'men' with 'women' and vice versa. See how valid it is still? It's because we're all human. We deserve respect. We deserve to be treated decently. We have feelings and not just objects.

I know there are POS human everywhere, people who lacked empathy and brain and unable to develop any empathy of whatsoever. The same people who will cry out if the same things they did to others were done to them. We can't get rid of them, but we can choose to be NOT them. 

It's 2018. Technology has moved so forward that instead of laboring as a slave and dying from Black Plague we (most of us, at least) have the time to take a step back and think: "What would I feel if it happened to me? What would that person feel if I did it to him/her?"

Empathy is an art that needs to be learned and honed. Ignorance, on the other hand, is pre-installed and only grew stronger the more you, ah, ignore it. It doesn't hurt to be respectful of others, to think them as a person and not as an object. It's not easy, but it doesn't hurt.

Will I stay lewd and sassy? Yes. Yes, I will. I am a sexual being and I have urges. That doesn't give me the right to violate others, though. My gender doesn't give me the right to violate others as well. Nothing does. I will still be lewd and sassy, but now enlightened and a lot more respectful. 

Which means I will only be lewd and sassy to people who give consent, with people who give notions that they are up for the flirt. That will lower down my flirty events quite a notch, but I will live. There is no point in having fun at the expense of others. 

See? That wasn't so hard. Just kidding. It is totally worth it though. Human needs to be, and to feel, humanized. Men, can you do this? Women, can you do this? Everyone, let's do this. Trust me, it is so worth it.

The Walls We Build

Another day is here

Another morning has come

The ray of light kissed me gently

and darkness present in the shadow

The world is still in misery

The anger and fear are still pronounced

The ignorance still very much reigned

The blind has not opened their eyes

Will human ever learn?

The clarity of mind and objectivity

The empathy of heart and love and kindness

The humbleness and self-realization

Will human ever know?

The true worth of oneself as well as others

The beauty that comes in every way

The real strength one can have inside

Still we fight and still we battle

Not other people, no not that

But ourselves and our insecurity

Our inability to grow and be better

Some of us are building walls

Thick walls towering high to the sky

Separate us from others that are not alike

For protection, or is it from fear?

Some of us are building walls

Strong round one with beautiful gate

Come hither those who are in need

Here you are welcome, here you'll be safe

Which walls are you building right now?

The one to assist or the one to expel?

The one out of love or the one out of fear?

The one opened wide or the one locked with chains?

And the Gods above look to us in sorrow

As we continue our crusade of 'truth'

As we murdered and hate each other

As we claimed we are better than the rest

Yet the Gods above also look to us in hope

For every open hand we offer to strangers

For every acceptance we give to people

For every respect we share with others

The walls of fear are rising high and it won't stop

Everyone inside can only see what they want to see

With the hate and blind madness strengthen it

It won't come down like the walls of Jericho

The walls of hope are slowly rising among the challenges

Everyone inside can see the inside and the outside

Forged with hard-to-earn trust, the progress is slow

Yet it will still be there even when the world ends

People are running in chaos and confusion

Looking for a safe place to go

With the darkness fell and obscure our vision

Robbing us of good judgment and the light inside

And thus, the walls are rising: fear and hope

Where to go, which to choose?

The tower of terror, or the citadel of faith

Tell me now, which walls do you help to build?