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Saturday, February 17, 2018

The Ugly Gal Valentine

I am the ugly kid who never got a Valentine. Seriously. I am ugly AF. The kind-hearted nerdy sassy gal that is fun to hang with but not attractive enough to date or to keep.

And here I am. With a Valentine.

Granted, it is only a "You are an awesome friend!" Valentine, but it is much, much better than what I ever had, which ranged from me asking for it to my toddler stepson that insisted: "Daddy, let's get something for her!"

It's a capitalism holiday, I told myself. Indonesian don't celebrate Valentine anyway. But it wasn't the holiday itself that I longed for. It was the feeling of appreciated, wanted, or even loved.

Low self confidence is not a physical trait. You can't see it with naked eyes. You might catch a glimpse in the nervous look or insecure quips, just barely visible. Yet inside, it chained the person down.

For me, it is the constant reminder from my society that I am not good enough. That I don't fit the mold. That I am a weird, a freak, an embarassment. Day in, day out, rejection all around.

The current me realized it was just their own insecurity, projected towards people who are different than standard. Giving themselves a false sense of security by dragging others down.

Still it hurts. Still it breaks me. Still I asked anyone who say I am attractive: "What do you want from me?" Because attractive me just doesn't sound right.

I have a slew of people who'll say I am wrong. And a handful who'll give me the "not again" eye roll. Which is why I started to accept the compliment as, well, compliment. 

See how greatly the words we say affect others? It can destroy others or it can build others. This is why it is important for us to think through our words before we speak it.

I am chubby. I am not fair-skinned. I don't have a regal face. I am not tall, nor petite. I am not rich. I don't have a fancy job. I am a non-standard standard Jane, that is unorthodox enough to be considered 'the wrong kind'.

But I got a Valentine this year. A solid proof at least one person thinks I am ok. I think. So you know what? Screw other people's insecure condescending criticism. I am good the way I am.

And yeah, do good things to others, and say encouraging things. Make somebody feel they are worth it. It helps. It really helps. Happy Valentine, lovelies.

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