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Thursday, December 7, 2017

Hello Boy

I wrote, read, delete, then wrote that damn text again for so many times. I paused for more than I should before hitting the send button. I reread the text again, deleting it, revising it again, and still paused. This is too hard.

I have always been lucky in love. It was never hard or a chore for me. Dates that matter, the ones worth remembering, those were always swift. Often times it only took a week or so of intense texting before we met and sort of hit it off. 

And we will hit it off. I am the epitome of Taylor Swift's "Blank Space", minus the crazy part. Well, some say that too. It's easy either because the people I dated know what they want, or because I know what they want. Maybe even both.

I look at the phone again, frustrated and unsure what to do. This is a child's play, I cuss. I ain't got time for things like this. I told my friend: "This is not normal! Why does it take so long?!" She gave me a weird look, "What are you talking about? This is the normal dating procedure."

Apparently 'normal' is the courting period where each will exchange text now and then, trying to look like we're not too desperate for each other. Normal is probing each other gently, to gauge interest so to speak. Normal is actually getting to know each other before committing to anything.

As someone who was in a relationship after 2 weeks of talking, and pretty much confirmed to get married by the end of the 3rd month, I was shooked. I have no idea that that's how dating work. For real. Apparently, this is 'normal', and my speedy relationships were not. 

All of them were pretty darn impressive, mind you. I learned a lot from each of them. I have had a fiery love that will burn the world down, a loving love that will shield it, and even a trusted love whom I feel I can take over the world with. 

Within the last 12 months, I have learned a whole lot more. I learn that I am attractive. I learn how to divorce and how to dump a guy. I learn how to have preferences and how to stand by my standards. I learn how to love myself. And now, I am learning how to do 'normal dating'. 

Which, apparently doesn't involve getting proposed by the first week. Or have daily texts at least once a day. I finally understand why my friend was all aglow when she talked about having a two-hour phone conversation with her crush. Back then I was like, "Wait, that's not normal? I did that every day with [insert name here]…."

I checked my phone again. No reply. This is frustrating. Yet at the same time, this is exciting. Does he like me? Does he not like me? Is he playing hard to get? Do I come across as too desperate? It feels like standing on the dance floor with a stranger, not knowing what song will be played next. And dammit, it feels so good.

I have had the luxury of experiencing loves that were pretty much straight out of novels or storybooks; not only once, but several times. Heck, one was made into two books. By this time, I am not looking or worry about happily ever after because I know can always make my own happiness. This is yet another adventure, which I am thrilled to go through.

An Instagram message popped up. I repressed a smile, which inadvertently turned into a silly grin. We're dancing in the dark, full of expectation, threading with caution, with invisible butterflies around us. Come what may, I will remember this feeling. Come what may, I will cherish this experience. 

Hello boy, wanna dance?

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