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Thursday, December 21, 2017

Dear Kiddos

I spent more money than I should this year, and paying it up next year won't be pretty. Still, I did it. 5 new board games, 2 new jackets, a pair of over-the-knee boots, a pair of earrings, 2 bodycon dresses, 5 new t-shirts, and even a haircut. And I still feel lonely.

What I would give to buy the two of you gifts instead.

Cute gifts, not expensive gifts. Gifts that'll make you both 'Oooh' and 'Aaah'. Unique gifts to suit your quirky personalities. Fun gifts where both of you and me and your dad can play as a family. Gifts that will make you feel special.


I made boozy-filled treats for people at work. Cutest prosecco wine gummy bears that sparkle and shine, and popped with joy in your mouth. Fancy champagne cupcakes with champagne frosting that are just so chic. Savory cheese crackers that are so damn addictive.

What I would give to bake for the two of you instead.

That DIY ice cream bar on Pop-Pop kitchen counter, where you two had a blast making your own pretty little sundaes. The arguments you have between you, telling on one another. Then the cry, the tears, the pouting. Then the laughter and the giggles.


I went roaming the nights almost every day. Cocktails and flirts and endless dances. Romping through life with a careless abandon. Singing while navigating my way through the beautiful concrete jungle. Invincible, unbeatable, untamable. 

What I would give to stroll with the two of you instead.

A picnic in the park or on the beach then flies kite afterward. Or simply playing tag or hide and seek. Museums and off-beat path and many more. Amusement park and trampoline zone and some ice cream in between. And maybe some cricket chips, too.


I woke up in many different arms. Spending my free time in delicious cuddles and happy moments. Lost in conversations with numerous strangers. Be comforted and appeased whenever I pout or sad or unhappy. I was never truly alone.

What I would give to be with you two instead.

The warmth of your little bodies in my arms. The feeling of your hair brushing my chin and my cheek. The tiny fingers that hold my fingers tight. The smooth hands that cupped my face, and your voice that says: "Ibu (mommy), you are so pretty."


The promises of how I'll still be in your life that never came true. The soothing words "They'll never forget you" that I know is a lie. You both will forget me soon enough. I hope you do. It is better for both of you. I did not carry you in my womb, and I was not there long enough. I understand.

Still, I wish I still had you.

I wish for many things that won't or can't come true. It's ok. I made my choice to be in your life. Then I made my choice to not be in your life. This emptiness inside is what I choose for myself, and despite the chilling pain, I can, and will, live through it.


The world is bigger than we think, and much kinder too. All the adventures we'll have, all the excitement we'll feel, all the love that we'll have. The kisses and hugs we'll get, the loving and caring we'll experience, all that and so much more. Our life, though separate, has just begun.

Goodbye, my dearest, for the gazillion times.

I love you then. I love you now. No matter how many times I say goodbye, you never truly leave my heart. You never will. The memories with you are like a pearl hidden in the darkest abyss. It's there. It's not forgotten. Goodbye, precious, goodbye.

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