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Friday, June 24, 2016

I Suck

It takes a lot to realize that you suck. It takes more to accept that fact.

I have been in a bitter argument with my husband for weeks, maybe even months. We both had said what we want to say, we both think the other party was wrong, but for the love of God I can't see why we ended up where we are right now. After I read our messages and e-mails I realize: I suck.

This is not to say that each and every argument we have is invalid, or that everything that has happened happen because I suck. This is to say that if I was a better person, we might be able to evade or even stop [some of] the bloodshed. I had a clear view of what I think is right and I went right at it like a wrecking ball. The nicely phrased word did not take away the hint of steel underneath it. What makes me a pretty good writer does not necessarily make me a pretty good partner. In life, there are things to strive for, causes to fight for; in love, sometimes it's best to take it as it is. And I failed.

Lo and behold, after the realization I went into a spiral of depression. I seemed to be drowned in the feeling that I cause the relationship to fail because I suck. Which is impossible. Relationship is, well, relation. It's about two people [or more]. There is a plethora of other reasons why we are what we are right now. However, realizing the facts does not alleviate my self-condescending much. I suck. I suck. I suck.

This is the reason why self-realization is a difficult stage to achieved. We don't want to feel we are not good enough, that we did something that is not according to the standard a.k.a being suck. This is also why fights happened. If we can't take it that we suck, we definitely won't take it when somebody shove the fact to our face. This put us in a dilemma: we don't want to be told we sucked, we also don't want to admit it. So how can we possibly know? Do we even want to know?

The answer is yes and no. We don't want to know, but we need to know in order for us to become better, to 'upgrade' ourselves. The only way to know it is to be honest with ourselves. Some has clearer mind than others and able to analyze themselves objectively. Others receive 'constructive criticism' and decided to take action from it. Neither would work, however, if we choose to not be honest about ourselves. Yes, we sometimes need to fix ourselves. No, it will not be a problem. The only way it became a problem is if we let our ego in the way and refuse to see who we really are.

Some people would think I am doing the wrong thing by acknowledging my error, by publicly stating that I suck. Some people may lose respect for me over this. Nevertheless, when you are wrong, it is important to acknowledge that you are wrong. You owe that honesty to yourself. As a writer, I owe it to my audience to admit that I suck, that I am just human.

I wrote about good things and self-empowerment, this writing is to confirm that bad things happen to, that world is not only filled with unicorns and rainbows. This writing is to confirm that even for a writer that strive to make the world a better place, he/she can be suck too. This writing is to confirm it's ok to be suck, that acknowledging and accepting it is not the end of the world, that it's actually a path to better yourself.

If you think you suck, it's ok; you're on the right track by realizing and learning to accept it. If you accept you suck, congratulations, you just upgraded yourself; now march on to the sunset through path of betterment. If you think you are not suck, there is always, always room for improvement; so be alert and be honest about yourself.

I am embarrassed. I am sad. I am still kinda depressed. But I will be fine. I know what I did wrong, I accept that I did wrong, and next time I will not make the same mistake again. Hopefully. The cost of this knowledge is very expensive for me, but it is how it is. Just like in Kungfu stories, the greatest knowledge is given to those who are ready to accept it, and the greater the knowledge is the greater the price would be. Usually the 'deserving one' is the humblest one too, something that I need to learn as well. Sigh… Life is a never ending journey of learning, is it not?

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