The [Not So] Golden Ways Untuk Menghargai Wanita

Saya benar-benar berharap para motivator ternama berhenti menyesatkan pengikutnya. Serius. Seperti dibawah ini contohnya, benar-benar sesat menurut saya.

Sesat Pertama

Berharap manusia berubah sama saja seperti berharap dia akan tumbuh tanduk. Serius. Bukan tidak mungkin sih, tapi kemungkinannya amat-sangat kecil dan sebaiknya tidak menggantungkan harapan akan perubahan itu. Pasti anda sering sekali mendengar: Oh, dia pasti berubah kalau sudah menikah/punya anak/punya cucu. Jangan salah, kalau dasarnya tidak ingin berubah atau tidak mau berusaha berubah, seorang manusia tidak akan berubah. Makanya ada istilah: "Nabi saja tidak bisa merubah manusia, apalagi sesama manusia". Orang yang dasarnya pelit kemungkinan besar akan pelit seumur hidup, begitu pula dengan orang yang dasarnya mudah percaya, orang yang dasarnya royal, dan laki-laki yang suka wanita. Tidak percaya? Lihat saja Hugh Hefner, pendiri Playboy, yang diusia 86 tahun lebih masih menikah dengan wanita muda berusia 26 tahun. Buat saya pesan bahwa "pria akan berubah" ini menyesatkan bagi para wanita, karena seolah wanita harus memahfumi dan berharap bahwa sang pria akan berubah jadi lebih baik. Bila anda memiliki pasangan yang 'tidak baik' (baik pria maupun wanita), hal pertama yang harus anda tanyakan pada diri anda adalah: "Apakah saya bisa hidup dengannya bila dia tidak berubah?" dan bukannya "Kapan ya dia berubah?". Jangan pernah berharap manusia akan berubah, realistis sajalah. 

Sesat Kedua

Ngomong-ngomong soal 'pria nakal', apa sih kategori nakal itu? Suka wanita atau sering gonta-ganti pacar begitu? Lalu bagaimana dengan 'wanita nakal' yang juga hobi kencan dengan berbagai pria? Saya tidak habis pikir kenapa di gambar itu tulisannya soal pria nakal dan dia bisa berubah, kenapa tidak 'orang' nakal (pria dan wanita) dan mereka bisa berubah? Kesan yang saya tangkap kita harus percaya bahwa 'pria nakal' bisa jadi baik, dan mensyukuri bila memang mereka berubah menjadi baik. Kalau 'wanita nakal' bagaimana? Tidakkah mereka juga berhak mendapat 'kepercayaan dan pensyukuran' yang sama dengan 'pria nakal'? Entah kenapa kalau 'pria nakal' bertobat dan jadi baik orang akan mengangguk paham dan berkata: "Syukurlah dia bertobat...". Tapi kalau 'wanita nakal' bertobat tetap saja lidah bergoyang: "Ih, dia kan wanita nakal..." atau "Gayanya bertobat, paling masih liar tuh..." atau "Terlambat, sudah rusak dia!". Ibaratnya, pria itu dianggap seperti sepatu boot yang semakin banyak dipakai semakin terlihat tangguh, sementara wanita dianggap seperti baju blus yang bila ada noda setitik bisa langsung dibuang. Ini tidak adil dan tidak masuk akal. Penyakit menular seksual itu tidak pandang jenis kelamin lho, begitupula ketidak ma(mp)uan untuk bertahan dengan satu pasangan saja alias doyan jajan. Bertobat juga tidak pandang jenis kelamin. Hidup itu harus adil dan harus bisa menghargai satu sama lain. Bila anda memutuskan 'pria nakal' bisa bertobat, maka seharusnya anda juga memutuskan 'wanita nakal' bisa bertobat. Kita sama-sama manusia toh?

Sesat Kedua Setengah

Lanjut dengan yang diatas, pastinya ada yang berpendapat kalau wanita harusnya menjaga dirinya karena wanita begitu berharga. Lah, memang pria tidak berharga? Atau kalau wanita lebih berharga daripada pria, kenapa anda tidak mengacungkan golok dan obor pada pria-pria yang 'merusak' wanita ini? Anda tidak bisa 'nakal' sendirian, harus ada partnernya bukan? Bila 'wanita nakal' dianggap sedemikian rusaknya sehingga tidak bisa diperbaiki/harus dijauhi, bukankah seharusnya kita menjatuhkan sanksi sosial yang jauh lebih keras untuk para pria yang mengakomodir kenakalan si wanita ini karena mereka merusak sesuatu yang sangat berharga?

Sesat Ketiga

Saya seorang wanita yang menghargai diri saya, dan saya lebih memilih punya pasangan baik daripada bertahan dengan pasangan yang tidak baik dan berharap dia berubah. Wanita yang bertahan di deraan dan akhirnya berhasil mengubah pasangannya menjadi lebih baik selalu dianggap wanita super dan 'berhasil' atau accomplished. Tapi coba pikir, bila anda punya anak/cucu/saudara perempuan apakah anda benar-benar ingin anak/cucu/saudara perempuan anda memaksakan diri hidup dalam ketidakbahagiaan karena berharap si pasangan suatu saat akan berubah? Ada orang-orang yang memang hobi/punya pembawaan martir (atau memang sadokis, senang disakiti) dan mau bertahan dalam ketidakbahagiaan, dan beberapa dari mereka memang pada akhirnya pasangannya berubah jadi lebih baik. Good for you, kata saya. Tapi ingat, banyak yang tidak seberuntung ini. Dunia ini penuh orang brengsek lho. Dan kalau anda memutuskan anda tidak ingin bersama pasangan anda yang nakal, monggo pergi. Yang lain tolong jangan menjudge dan mem-peer pressure wanita-wanita ini dengan label "Tidak tahan cobaan", atau "bukan wanita sejati". Setiap manusia, baik pria maupun wanita, berhak hidup tenteram dan tidak tersakiti. Oh, dan para pria yang tidak mau berpasangan dengan wanita nakal karena berpikir: "Kok kamu bisa dengan gampangnya menyerahkan diri kepada pria lain??", para wanita juga berhak (dan seharusnya) berpikir tentang pria nakal: "Kok kamu lemah mental sekali dan tidak mampu menjaga syahwat mu??". Pria baik [konon] akan mendapatkan wanita baik, maka dengan demikian wanita baik juga berhak pilih-pilih dan mencari pria baik, bukan cuma sekedar dapat sisa-sisa dan diwajibkan bersyukur karenanya. Please deh, hari gini bo'.

Kalau anda baca Facebook nya motivator ini, banyak postingannya yang bernada kurang respek terhadap wanita, dan ini sangat disayangkan. Contohnya saja postingan diatas soal wanita menyuruh anda berhemat, lalu istilah dia Work Shop [pria work wanita shop], atau "Wanita itu seperti anak-anak, tidak bisa mendengar janji. Dia langsung percaya, dan menagih setiap hari". Dan imbuhan/tambahan ASIMH (Awas Status Ini Mengandung Humor) buat saya tidak membantu, karena ini hanya akan membuat orang-orang menganggap status-status ini lucu dan makna sebenarnya tidak penting. Apa iya untuk membuat seseorang merasa bangga akan dirinya sendiri/termotivasi harus mengorbankan/merendahkan wanita? Di era dimana wanita bekerja bukan lagi suatu privilege/hak istimewa melainkan suatu keharusan (jaman sekarang hidup cuma dari satu penghasilan saja itu berat lho), joke-joke seperti ini seharusnya sudah diambang kepunahan. Bahkan dimasa lalu dimana wanita jadi ibu rumah tangga, tugas mereka pun tidak mudah lho. Membesarkan anak, mengurus rumah, mengatur keuangan, meladeni suami, ini semua tidak bisa dilakukan sekadarnya dan harus sepenuh hati. Dan ya, pria juga doyan Shop, lihat saja banyaknya butik atau produk khusus pria sekarang ini; pria juga kadang sibuk menagih janji seperti anak-anak; dan seterusnya. Bukan 'pria' atau 'wanita' yang melakukan hal-hal seperti ini, tapi 'MANUSIA'. 

Saya bukan feminis dan saya tidak percaya hak wanita lebih besar daripada hak pria. Saya Equalist/percaya persamaan derajat dan saya percaya wanita dan pria harus diperlakukan sama. Bila anda menghujat para wanita nakal, hujatlah para pria nakal juga. Bila anda mensyukuri pria nakal yang bertobat, syukurilah wanita nakal yang bertobat juga. Dan bukan cuma anda para pria baik yang bisa menggeleng jijik dan bilang "Dia kan wanita nakal....", para wanita baik juga bisa (dan sebaiknya) melakukan hal yang sama dan bukannya disuruh berharap pria nakal ini akan berubah. Sekali lagi, ini bukan pria vs wanita. Ini adalah menghargai sesama manusia, apapun jenis kelaminnya. Para pria yang membaca artikel ini mungkin menganggap saya ekstrim, tapi tolong pikir baik-baik: apakah ini yang anda inginkan untuk anak-anak perempuan anda, dianggap tidak kompeten/hobi belanja/kekanakan/dan harus mengamini para pria nakal? Ini bukan cuma sekedar joke lucu. Setidaknya setengah jumlah manusia di Bumi ini adalah wanita dan semakin banyak dari para wanita ini yang bisa hidup mandiri. Dunia sudah bukan monopoli pria, dan saat ini semakin terlihat jelas bahwa pria membutuhkan kerjasama wanita. Atau lebih tepatnya, saat ini terlihat jelas betapa pentingnya kerjasama antar sesama manusia, terlepas dari suku agama ras atau jenis kelamin. Sudah saatnya kita melihat pria dan wanita setara bila kita ingin maju dan hidup harmonis. Kita 'MANUSIA', titik. Mari saling menghargai.

Their Bedroom, Their Life. Keep Off, Please.

I like sex. I really do. Coming from where I am, it is an awkward thing to say, not to mention dangerous. My culture is pretty much still a very conservative one, and sex truly is one of the big No-no. At least for the women. In my college years, sex talk with my girl friends is nothing more than a barrage of sexual innuendos. No detail explanation and such, and you will have to actually find someone who is known far and wide as 'sexually active' to get into the nitty gritty. And even then, chances are it wouldn't be nothing more than: Yeah, he's pretty okay. Once I had a co-worker who were already married, and apparently had no issue telling us in complete detail how her sexual life was. I remember thinking how cool it is, but looking back I could sense her desperation. None of my other co-workers are married and obviously not ready to give feedback how our own sexual life was (if any). And I thought to myself: Ok, you like sex. So?

To some, sex is the best thing in life; for others it may not be so. To some, sex is holy and should be done only with your lawful wedded spouse; for others it is a fun activities like Pilates or jogging. To some, it is absolutely necessary that you all should know how much they like sex; for others they wish to have no say or whatsoever about their sexual life, even though it is so spicy and saucy it'll break any Vivid video record. However one viewed sex, it's his/her own personal belief and preference; and no other person have the right to cast judgement. Just as any of personal beliefs and preferences.

Reading this article about The Duke Porn Star's Empowerment make me cringe. As other commentators put it: it is her decision to be a porn star, why does it make her less powerful than other women? Women these days are no longer the ones cried by Gwen Stefani: "I'm just a girl in the world... That's all that you'll let me be!". Women these days are perfectly capable of making their own decision, even convicted as rapist/sexual offender. But guess where the fingers pointing at for sex issues like this? Yup, yours truly: women. Even women have no holding back on judging other women on sex issues, as the article said: "So being choked, spit on and degraded is now empowering? Feminist logic…I’d rather have my dignity and loans than work as a prostitute." That sums up the women's [and to some extent world's] problem: who are you to say s*** about anyone's decision as long as it is not hurting you or anyone else? 

Why do we look down on women who had nasty partners and say she is incapable of getting a good man, but voiced our sympathy for men who had nastier partners (and added oh that poor poor man just for added sympathy)? Why do we call horrible names for women who slept with many men but honor/adore the men who slept with many women? Infidelity is a serious issue for both men and women, especially considering how long a human child needs to be reared before he/she can fend off for him/herself. Having a complete set of parents who are willing to cooperate and committed to one another would be more beneficial for a child. Diseases also affect both men and women, and no matter what your gender is the more sexual partner you have the higher your risk is to get sexually transmitted disease. As for integrity and pride: women who [are rumored to] sleep with many men are considered 'loose' and disgraceful; but what does it say about men whose maturity is highly questionable because he couldn't [make the effort] to commit to a single woman, and very much insecure that they needed to have sex with other women to prove their masculinity? When you take out the myth of "Men vs Women" and see them just as they are, the vulnerable human being a.k.a Homo Sapiens, you will see that regardless of the gender we are the same and have to face the same problem when we choose to have multiple partners.

As a woman, I do not encourage my fellow women to go all and about with sex in the name of empowerment. Nor do men, in that matter. Sexually transmitted diseases for one, emotional distress, and also the worst thing possible: accidental baby; it is [in my opinion] not really worth it to go all these just to stated that you are the cool/hip chic or the studly man who has juicy sex life. You don't need a big number of sexual partners to define who you are, do you? Maybe you do, but even so I have no right to cast judgement on your decision. As for those who still insist on poking your nose in somebody else's bedroom [a.k.a sexual life], here's a guidelines:

1) Does it affect you directly and personally [e.g. the person is sleeping with your partner]? --> if no, please shut up; if yes, continue to the next question.

2) If this person is a woman, will you cast equal judgement if she is a man instead (e.g. calling him a good for nothing lowly piece of shit and a waste of oxygen for sleeping with 3 different women in a week?) --> if no, please shut up; if yes, please fell free to also bash all the men you've heard or known to have non-committal sex with even though it was back in the days and yes, it's probably including your own loved ones or your homie bros. You'd probably considered as a demented person and nobody wants to be with you anymore, but fair is fair, right?

Think about it. How is it that for a women having multiple non-committed sexual partners are looked down as if [or even more than] if she committed a crime? In a crime someone else's rights are taken, be it their belonging or even their soul; in sexual activity, provided that it's with consent there are no rights taken. And at the same time, how is it that a man who have multiple non-committed sexual partners are consider as prized or studly? The number of his partner in bed does not reflect his own ability to deal with life. You probably wanted to be homeboys or girlfriend to this stud who seemed to be able to get laid anytime anywhere, but when it comes to serious decision like business the number of women this stud has doesn't mean jacksh*t. Stop glorifying men's multiple 'gig' and shaming women's: if you want to shame then shame them all, if you want to glorify then glorify them all. We, after all, are humans; men and women alike. Remember: Their bedroom, their life. Now keep off, please.

How To Love Things For What They Are

I went to a Goodwill store in my city, and I was amazed to say the least. Rows and rows of pretty blouses and shirts, and then shoes and bags and jeans and jackets, and lest forget all the knickknacks and home ornament and such. One thing that crossed my mind was: I didn't realize American has awfully lot of stuff. 

Why buy people's junk, you say? Coincidentally, that's also what my mom says back home. I remember my sister coming home with a bunch of clothes after a day at a Bali thrift market, and we were hardly impressed with her findings. Sure, vintage look is always on; but her findings were very much unflattering and in such poor condition that my kitchen rag would look down on them if only it can do so. The poor condition is most likely caused by the tropical heat and humidity; and to be fair, not many people are into that thrift thingy. I hold on to my clothes as long as I could, and even after it became so tattered and torn it usually being given a second life as day-to-day rag. We gave away things that we are not using anymore to less fortunate relatives, but again, it really wasn't much. Baby or children clothes mainly, since there is nothing we can do when they outgrown it; but we hung on to our adult clothes as long as possible. Granted, this is probably because my family didn't have much; but then again, I do not think many regular Indonesian had the chance to do clothes shopping regularly. Thus it is understandable if the thrift shop finding was less than satisfying.

Pretty, comfy shoes!!

Yet here in US, the quality of the items in thrift shops such as Goodwill are immensely satisfying. The blouses and shirts that I saw today were probably the same quality as the ones I purchased in a factory outlet and such, and with less the price. Sure, it was probably used by someone else already; but think about it, who will actually know where and when you bought your clothes? Was it really that bad to give that unwanted dress/clothing a second life? I found a pair of really cool-looking shoes at a vintage/thrift shop in Tucson, and it only cost me $9 for such a good quality leather shoes. A friend of mine has this magnificent wooden doll house, and I couldn't believe when she told me she got it at a thrift store. But then again, maybe I should believe it. I also found a good cooking book: it's old and clunky and not very health friendly (i.e. no explanation on nutrition or gluten-free option and such) and it has never failed me even once. Yep. That's a good solid recipe book there. And the Bhagavadgita which would cost way more even at my home country. And the $1 and $0.50 books from the local library. I could go on forever. Seriously.

In J.R.R.Tolkien's epic saga The Lord of The Ring, it was said that the Hobbits love to give away presents and some of the (actually) unwanted presents - or Mathom as they called it - would be given away repeatedly until it's being put to the mathom-house. In a way, probably most American are similar to them, since American seemed to love giving away gifts and presents: Christmas, Valentines, Birthdays, Easters, or any holiday that strikes your fancy. This could cause a total headache for the giver, especially on a popular holiday such as Christmas. I know, I know, you would say there is no such thing as 'receiving too many gifts'. Yet, it was exactly what these thrift shop is all about: a mathom house for unwanted items. Silver frames and ornaments, glass decorations, I even saw a beautiful wedding album that still bear the original card from the person who gifted it. And it makes me wonder: does all gifts have to be brand new? Can't we give these mathoms, these unwanted items a second chance? Understandably, you might feel cheap to give someone a used item (except if it's antique or extra expensive); and whoever receive the gift probably also feel insulted that he/she only merit a second-hand item. But since when does the price of an object became the real value of the object?

Love these books :)

Think about it. An ultra-deluxe super-healthy-weight-friendly recipe e-book probably would be awesome (I saw one for about $29.99 at GooglePlay store), but I am pretty happy with my old you-can't-fail-this-you-dumbass cookbook for a mere $3.99. A $29.99 Monster High barbie was all the rage right now, but it can't beat a beautiful regally-dressed Barbie holiday edition for the same price (albeit it was released in 1994). And seriously, a $3.99 American Game Box (include jacks, spaghetti toss, dice, etc) could be played long after that video game that you bought went dusty and forgotten in the shelf. And don't even start with clothing. If you have no problem cashing in for a fancy piece of 1920's clothing, you don't really have a solid reason to snub these newer second-hand items. I mean, why spend a larger amount of money for something that you would eventually throw away in, say, 6 months? The answer to this is probably: because I can afford to. Which is also the answer on why you wanted a 6-hectare mansion just for you and your spouse, another car even though you already had a couple in your garage, a summer house and/or a winter cabin, and while we're at it, another lover or two (or even three). Because we can afford it, and because it is our way to say: "Hey, check out what I've got!". And you know, that is actually sad.

Why not start a tradition this coming holidays? Instead of the usual gift swap (which many would eventually resort to gift cards anyway), make it a thrift-swap which everyone has to gift something from a thrift shop that worth less than $10 and can be use by the receiver for one solid year. And gift at least 1 second-hand book for the little ones. It should be a really fun challenge, and you can do this simultaneously with your usual holiday gifting since it is extremely cheap. Learn to see more than just the tag price, learn to see an item for what it is. I have seen people refusing or lamenting when they have to wear/eat things that are not their preferred brand, and it made me sad to think they lost so much with this attitude. The lost of possibly fun and educating experience for one, and also the risk of getting their own self lost and being substitute with 'price'. Don't let yourself being defined with 'price', you are who you are and each of us is a very unique person. You are not "the woman who have enough money to decked out in fur and diamond" or "the man with a very fancy sports car", as tempting as it sound. Sure, it would be nice to let people see you with envy and to feel that you are better than others. Heck, that's exactly why people shop and spend! Just remember that there will be others who are also better than you, and the price tag that you pursue could go up higher and higher and it won't be long before you raced on that dangerous pursue that would eventually destroys you. Won't it be so much nicer and easier to just appreciate and love things for what they are? Yes, even thrift shop items. You got other more important things in life than trying to impress people with what you have paid for things, might as well enjoy what you have to the fullest and get done with it. Go ahead, try it.