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Friday, September 13, 2013

The Blind Dive and How to Avoid It

The bombshell(s)

A couple of years ago a girl tried to rub her-then-fiancee on my face.

The man was betrothed to me about 2 years before and it didn't work. Then out of nowhere this girl found me in Facebook, befriended me and then proceed to post many-many photos of her and the man all in "romantic" scene. The message was clear: I OWN this man, b*tch! My reply was deep annoyance, a rising eyebrow, and a "Well, enjoy!" while clicking the 'Remove friend' button. She did not impress me, nor did he.

Looking back from where I am now, I can't help wondering: What was I thinking?!

People made mistake in life, and he was definitely one of my worst. It was what happened when you wanted something so bad and chase it blindly. Back then I wanted a husband-to-be, I wanted a partner that my mom and family can accept, I wanted someone than can accept me the way I am. He seemed to be perfect: slightly older than me, come from respectable priest family just like mine, and a secure job. "Technically" he was perfect. I envisioned myself to be a good dedicated Balinese wife: learning Balinese language and how to make offerings, helping his family priest preparing the rituals and ceremonies, basically stay and live at his family's house. Work and career? Aint nobody got time for that! I will be true blue Balinese, not just a Jakarta-born woman who didn't know jacks--t about her root. Hooray for me!!!

There were of course those little details that I choose to overlook. Most prominent was his refusal to let me know where he worked and where he lived. He also had tendency to just disappear for days without answering any of my text messages. My mom (accurately) guessed that he had another woman, but I was adamant. He was referred by a very close relative, and his sister was positively charming. Surely they wont do that to me! And you should see how loving he was to me in front of my friends, they all agreed that he seemed to be *the one*. We might not see each other eye to eye, and in more than one occasions he seemed to be disturbed by my thoughts and called me too mature for my age; I might think his thought was very outdated and he needed to start living in the reality instead of in his "if" world; but hey, that's what marriage would be right? Accepting and adapting with each other weirdness and such. He was too short for my liking and looked too old, but nobody was perfect, right?! I didn't feel the warm and tingly feeling that I associated with love, only a blind desperate feeling of "want", you know like I want to get married like ASAP. It didn't really matter though, because love will grow out in time. I just know it. I just know it.

He bailed out on me a mere couple of months later. After months of guilt trip (because I was so certain I chased him away), a friend told me that he had another woman all along. I asked him and he vaguely said it was not so. However it was not the first time I heard a man from Balinese priest clan to take a woman from the same caste as his partner in order to appease his family while hiding another woman from different caste as his real lover, therefore I had heavy prejudice with his "innocence". And when his "fiancee" hounded me even though we haven't talked with each other for so long, I began to suspect for some reason he was telling twisted stories about me. Such a charming guy indeed.

So in total, what did I miss out? A liar, a manipulative man, a life on the country side where I can kiss my career good bye, and an eternity (or at least the rest of my life) being someone that I am not and trying to love someone that I do not.

I found a photo of them in a relative's Facebook, taken at a park in Indonesia. I couldn't help to think how contrast their photo was to my own photo with my husband at The Getty: we looked closer, our body language just screamed how much infatuated we are with one another, and for godsake it's The Getty! If anyone at that time period told me I would be visiting The Getty with my husband, or said I would be given an opportunity to be a full-time writer in USA, I would laugh at their face because it sounded so impossible. Yet here I am right now, getting cuddles and loves and all the things I need to hone my talent. And the best part is I love this man so much, he let me be me and totally love me for it.

The moral of the story: don't get blinded by your "want", be cautious and objective about it, and if it doesn't feel right just get the heck out of it. You shouldn't give in and become someone you are not just to get accepted. I was so eager to get a "perfect" husband that I overlooked all the danger signs. Thankfully my quirkiness scared him away, I couldn't imagine what happened if I did marry him. At times like this only your clear conscience can save you from the looming danger, because if you are so determined on getting something chances are you wont listen to others' advice. So always approached what you want (be it a new boyfriend or a new iPhone) with clear head, it'll prevent a whole lot of trouble later.

To my sisters from the priest clan: Don't give in to family pressure. You got the right to choose the man you want, and own your happiness. Go for it.

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