A Day at The Patio (a.k.a The Cat and The Dog)

"Hauuuuuuuum...." The big white Labrador gave out a big yawn. He arched his back and stretched his body. "Having a good day last night, Cuddly-Woddly?"

"Ssss....." The black cat hissed menacingly. "Shut up." 

"You look damn good up there, Coddly-Woddly." He grinned at his neighbor who sat majestically on the ledge of the patio in the adjacent apartment.

"Don't let me jump over to your place and leave scratch mark all over you. Your Mom and Dad will be sooo upset." 

"Ha ha! You know what girl, I don't get why they called themselves my Mom and Dad. God knows they aint got this silky fur of mine, let alone my awesome tail!"

"Same here." replied the cat."Do you think if I scratched her neck she'd stop talking to me in baby's voice? I could try to aim her artery if needed. It's big and bulging right up her neck, it'll be so easy..."

"Nah, you ain't gonna do no shit girl. Those arteries need massive teeth like mine, they're damn strong! She'd just gonna take you to the vet and you'd get those prickly needles all over you and then, bam! More baby's talk because she deemed you 'distress' and 'confused'."

"Argh!!" exclaimed the cat. "It's so frustrating!"

"I am tired being treated as human. Factory-made food, baths and massages and spa, it is sickening. Do you know that she even try to give me a bed time story last night? I don't even understand human language."

"Whoa, I thought you do!"

"No I don't, you big silly. And neither do you. We know the one with bulge on the chest is mom, and the one without bulge on the chest is dad. That's the farthest our language goes."

"I do know that dad has a magic thing like mine, but his was like an overcooked sausage."

" I am so fortunate to have only one human-mom while you have a complete set, thus spared from the gross anomaly that you just described to me."

"Well but my human-mom has bigger bulge than yours, and that is AWE-SUM because it feels sooooo good when I use it as pillow."

"Uh huh. Now you just sounded so human. Like those creeps that was checking out your human mom the other night. Couldn't understand what they say but the tone was similar to yours."

"Ha ha! That, was a FUN night girl! I barked at them and chase them away. You should see how they ran! Run baby run! That bulge is mineeee!!!"

"Your pink tip is showing."

"Goddamnit. I hate it when it happens and no bitch around."

"Go hump the Alamanda pot."

"Screw you bitch."

"Not gonna happen. I'ma a female feline by the way, not a bitch. I don't share your genus."

"Aww Fuck it. Stop being so smarty ass and let me hump the pot."

The cat wisely look the other way.

"Hells yeah, that feels better!"

"You totally knocked the plant out, by the way."

"Yeah. Humping bitches are a lot easier. I wish they'd keep a bitch in here for me."

"You can have my human-mom."

"Aw geez, if she's a bitch she's gonna be the ugliest one I've ever seen. With all those bones popping out and wrong length of limbs, hhhhh.... I would rather do the plant again!

"If you can. It's in a sad state already."

"Now one of them is going to put a cardboard board with human writing on it and share it around. How wonderful."

"You know what girl, stop using me to sheathe your claw. Do I look like a sheathing post to you??"

"No, but you sure looked like you won't understand sarcasm."

"Surprise surprise, furball."

"Oh, you are playing the game now? As smart as your humans now?"

"Damn girl, if they are have as smart as I am they would notice that their cardboard board writing had no effect on me. I assume the writing is about shaming me, what a shame I don't read human letters and the only discomfort I get was from my photos taken while using that ugly piece of board. I mean, bitches'll go howling!"

"You summed it up pretty accurate."

The cat let out a deep sigh.

"I just want to be treated decently. Like a cat should, you know. They gave me empty boxes to play on. I mean, come on, what happened to 'catch the birds and other living animal'? And it appears she expect me to returned the backrub she gave me. Every. Single. Time. Why can't I just love her when I want to, instead of her coming at me and forced me to cuddle with her. And the baby talk, oh my God the baby talk!!"

"Word up girl. I'm getting tired myself being treated as their little human. He looked so happy when I play fetch the ball with him yesterday. Oh, do I say fetch the ball? I mean we play throw-that--ball-away-so-i-can-catch-it-and-stretch-my-legs-you-stupid-human."

"I like your way with words."

"Aww... are you hitting on me? 'Cause sorry, I prefer my girls big and strong to take this magic thing."

"I take my compliment back."

The door to the patio creaked open. A slim young woman came to the patio and picked up the black cat. "How is my little princess," she said using baby's tone, "did Cuddly-Woddly enjoyed her morning sun bath?"

"Meorw," She said, which to the dog's ear was: "Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarghhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!"

He replied, "Here comes the 'Fun'!!"

The woman looked at the dog disapprovingly, "Did the big bad dog just barked on you?? Poor thing, you must be really scared. Don't worry my little princess, mommy will go to the bad dog's mom and dad and tell them how bad their dog was. So unfortunate that we have those brute for neighbors, don't you think my little darling?"

"Let me gooo...." She meowed pitifully and tried to break free from her.

"Your meow did not sound good pretty princess!!" the young woman gasped, "I think I should arrange an appointment with the doctor soonest so we can relieve your stress. That awful awful dog!! Wait till I sue their owner for distressing my precious Coddly-Woddly!!"

"Noooooooooooooo.....!!!!!!!!!!" She screamed, in which to the young woman's ear only sounded like "Meooooooow........"

The dog barked happily from the apartment next door. "Talk to you soon, girl!!"