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Thursday, January 13, 2011

I'm in Love

I'm in love. Just like that.

It's not one of those "eureka!" moments, or "lightning struck" kinda thingy. It's something that I've been feeling for a while and gradually realize. I'm in love, and I think this one is for real.

My friend told me how she hate people who easily said "I'm in Love", yet can change that feeling in a wink. How it took only a little time to change those three words to "I don't think we should see each other anymore." I don't think this is one of those cases though. I do hope not.

It's not those badaboom-badabang feeling, how you got fireworks working every time you think of him. Or romeo+juliet stuff which makes you so emotional every time you see him. It's more like seeing a tree of orange jasmine blooming after the rain. Simple, beautiful, and makes me feel calm inside. As with the orange jasmine blooms that will all fall out with another rain, the feeling and condition will probably change, the moment will passed. But the calm remains inside. As my dear mum will pointed to me: I have made peace with myself.

No longer I crave for those adolescent splendor: walk hand in hand by the beach on sunset, snuggling close on a rainy day, or just looking and being with him 24 hours a day, and of course, the illusion of marriage or a happily ever after. For one thing, I can hardly communicate with him due to various reasons. By all probable means, by the time I had the chance to meet him in person again he would probably already have a wife (to-be) in tow, and perhaps even a child or two. He might not (or choose not to) realize what I felt inside. Yet it really doesn't matter now.

What I crave is for him to know I'll always be with him in spirit. I longed to hold his hand in troubles and assure him he can make it. I want to see him smile and laugh and be happy with his life. I want to help him be a better man, because he is. I don't care if I'm not his "chosen" one. This calmness inside, this feeling I have for him is enough. I enjoy loving him.

In the past I made a grave error of thinking a happy marriage will save me, it will be a drug-of-all-choice for a great life. It's not. My life is great. I enjoy it immensely. And I should have done that from the start. I was so busy polishing him to be the-best-husband-to-be for my best-marriage-ever in order to have the-best-life. I take it so seriously I failed to see that there is no such thing as perfect marriage nor perfect life. It's being with him that counts. It's seeing his smile and knowing how happy I made him feel that should be counted, not how well those things will go in a marriage. It's not making dreadful calculation on how things should be going, but it's about enjoying things that is currently going. Marriage will not ensure me happy life. Myself will ensure a happy life.

It's a lesson live and learn, and I hope you readers can learn from my error and enjoy what you have with your loved ones. The feeling might change, the future is forever unclear. But for now, let me delight in him, cherishing every moment of this beautiful feeling. I'm in love.

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