"I'm fine. I'll be fine," I whispered to myself as I grab another tissue and furiously wiped my tears. It's not even noon yet and I was already in tears, a too-typical scenario that I thought would never ever happen again now that I am not with my ex anymore. But it happened, and this time there was no one to blame. It's just life.
A part of me was making tons of excuses: the weather swings (from heat-stroke sunny days to gloomy-ass rainy days), my period, the fact that yes it has only been 3 months since the divorce was filed and naturally I am still grieving, the new life that I have right now, me overstretching myself to be better and burned myself out in the process. Another part of me, a more logical part of me simply berate me for being weak and questioned my existence. Yeah, she's not that nice, but useful though to push me above my limit.
I get it. I know my limit. I know things I can do and things that I can't do. I can do the things that I wanted or needed to do. Yet at the same time, I am not ready. Haven't we all been there? The feeling that we just can't? I feel like walking in quicksand (not that I actually did), or in a sinking boat. It's the feeling that the end is near and there is nothing to hold on too, no solid steps or rocks to step on. I know in the end I will be able to lift myself up and save myself from whatever it is, but right now it feels so overwhelming and I can't shake off that desperate and melancholy feeling.
It is not so bad, actually. It's hard to stay depressed when you are aware how good life is. The next good food, the next genuine smile, the next funny joke, and I'll be as happy as a bee in a summer day. Normally. Yet it doesn't always happen like that. Sometimes you are so down and so blue that nothing could lift your spirit, not even your favorite things or favorite food or (gasps!) favorite person. And it's fine. You just need to ride it out.
Sometimes people don't get it, or overlook it when trying to make the other person feeling better. "Cheer up, buttercup!" "There are worse things in life." "You can do it!!". To their credit, it hurts to see the person you care about, or heaven forbid, the person you look up to, being down in the dump like that. Unfortunately, feelings don't work that way. Telling somebody to cheer up when they're down is like telling somebody to grow an inch or two in an instant. Feeling, especially negative ones, need to be ridden out; and the best thing you can do for someone is to tell them these words: "I know you are in a bad place. Take your time. I will wait for you until you are ready."
We can't change our emotion from happy to 'normal' or sad to 'normal' in an instant, just as we can't change our height or weight or skin color in an instant. We can change our emotion or feeling if there is a strong enough trigger, but even the strongest trigger won't necessarily work if we are already holed up in our own little world. Feelings, emotions, they wane off. Nothing last forever, no matter how hard you try to hold on to them (but if the feeling/emotion does stay, you might have a pathological issue). All we can do is ride them off until it doesn't matter anymore and we can 'snap' out of it.
As much as I want to say that it is a sign of weakness, it is not. Being sad, being hurt, being physically and/or emotionally overwhelmed is a valid enough reason to went into the chute, the abyss of desperation. Heck, you feel you. We don't need to explain or apologize or make excuse on how we really feel. We can talk about it to make us feel better and to not alienate our love ones, but no excuses needed. Discussion, not excuses, just as Hallows, not Horcruxes. But sometimes, when you can't even bring yourself to talk, rejoice in your silence. It is ok to be depressed.
Since winter is approaching, this might be an issue for a lot of people. I can feel myself (and my sanity) being dragged deeper and deeper in my desperation every passing day. It is funny I never realize how dependent I am with the sun, or scientifically, to vitamin D3. Some say taking additional Vitamin D3 might ease the winter blues (such romantic name for such uncool and horrifying time of the year), but do take them responsibly. Just talking to you readers like this already making me feel better. I still feel like the world is coming to an end, but I don't really give a sh*t about that anymore. Stay warm dear reader, and stay sunny. Winter can't last forever, nor our sadness and desperation. We'll be just fine.
