The Shadow

I can't stand myself.

I don't know the be exact time where I started feeling this way, but I absolutely hate myself right now. Everything with me is fake, is wrong. I am an imposter. There is nothing good about me.

I wish there was two of me so we can give each other some really good b-tch slap. There is nothing more that I want than pulling the hair on my other self while screaming up in her face how worthless she is. To give her a good terror and the anguish she justly deserve.

But why? What did she do that 'deserves' all this? The fact that people seemed to like her is also infuriating. Are they out of their mind? She gotta stop faking this "I am an innocent little princess" attitude because it's disgusting and dishonest.

I know this is depression. I know this is unhealthy. I know this is so very stupid. I don't know if this is because my relationship failed, or pandemic, or the combination of everything. I know I don't know the person I am right now. I know I hate her.

I hate her absolute stance on everything. I hate how quickly she erected barriers and cut off people that potentially or is hurting her. Chill b-tch. You are stronger than that. There's no pain that you can't take, so why the fear?

I hate her clinginess. The way she soaked up all the attention and beamed at every kindness. Dumbass, you survived being kicked out of the house, cheated on, getting divorce, AND threatened repeatedly without anyone you know in the US. Clinginess does not befit you.

I hate her for all of this. Her cowardice. Her fear. I hate how angry and frightened she is. I hate how she keeps making these stupid mistakes where she looks like a crazy, imbalanced woman. I hate how much she wanted to be loved, to be accepted.

I hate her because I love her. I love her so much I don't want anything bad to befall her. And human are inherently a piece of sh-t. You can expect other human to betray you, to turn your back on you. Or maybe they just can't see eye to eye with you and that's fine too.

Expectations are painful. Putting up hopes are painful. Ideally we are always in a zen where we understand to take none and expect even less. Ideally. She did so well before, but now it seems to concept is out of reach.

So I am trying to help her in the way I am sure of. By hating her. By telling her to f-ck it all. By giving her reasons why she is not good enough. By loathing on her so much that she will stop talking to other people. Because once she can do things on her own, she will be safe.

I know people will be pouring love into her when they read this. The damn attention wh-re. The stupid Bene-Gesserit witch. Maybe I shouldn't post this after all. She does not deserve those loves. It will only prolonged her misery. Stop faking it you filthy hag.

But maybe I should. I miss her. I miss her gaily laughter. I miss her confidence, her determination in life. I miss how she look at things in wonder, as if everything is glittery and bright. I miss how she always seem to shine and say, "Isn't life amazing?"

I want her back. I want her to sat next to me and looking at me in the eyes, and tell me with a smile and a lilting voice "It's going to be alright." Just as she did to many others before me. I want her to make things right again.

Until then, I can only do what I know what to do. Hating her. Being angry at her. Telling her all the bad things. Convinced her that she is worthless, unwanted. Assured her that she is selfish and unkind and despicable. This way I can protect her from other people. This way she will be safe.

I am such a good friend to myself.