POV (Point of View)

The words came like a sledgehammer to me. "I am a failure." It was a text from my friend. This amazing person, this vibrant soul who has been my pillar for years. All the things I have been through, I couldn't have done without them.

So when they texted me how their closest people blasting them for being a failure, for not being able to keep these people happy, all baseless accusation specifically made to broke them down, I saw red.

How dare they hurt this precious person. How dare they made this deity cry. Because I know this person and I know how capable they are. I know how much effort they put into everything they do, laced with care, sewn with affection. How dare these bastards ran a verbal knife to them like that.

I am even angrier at my friend. I am both angry and frustrated for their ability to see how precious they are. To let someone unworthy just trampled them like that. To be broken down like a worthless 99 cent glass instead of a priceless antique Waterford Crystal or a Baccarat.

Yet that's what abuse did. It erodes your mind, your confidence, your self-worth. The attack may look swift, but it was done in a period of time until those attacks become the norm. Until you don't know what were you before you were destroyed and reshaped. 

And all you can think of is how to satiate your abuser. Maybe if they are happy they won't attack me. Maybe if I play by their rule they will spare me. If someone angers them and I got the repercussions then f- that person. If I anger them then it's my own undoing and I should have been better.

The thing is, there will never be 'better'. You are a sand sack, ready to be punched whenever they feel like it. Sometimes physically, but always verbally. Even if you are perfect in every way, they will find flaws, mistakes, errors. This is never about perfection. This is about control. This is never about you. This is about them.

I know it's hard for people who were abused to believe in this. I am still struggling too. Another good friend told me they felt weird every time I said "Thank you for being nice to me." They are my friend and this is basic human decency. I know but there are times when I don't believe it. 

For me who has low self-confidence and went through two crash and burn relationships in which one was extremely abusive, I still get caught off guard by basic human decency. I still don't believe I deserve to be loved, to be treated nicely. I am still worried the backlash would come, the hand that pets me becomes the hand that strikes me. The words that lifted will be the words that smashed me.

I know the answer is love. Love from myself, love from others. Only with love I can realize my true worth, and stop willing to be treated badly. I must have been worth something if someone cares for me so deeply. But then the question is if I can see that someone cares for me, or am I going to stay blinded?

Babe, if you read this, please know that I love you. I love how our minds vibe. I love all the shades we throw. I love the many different things we can talk about. I love how kind and patient you are. I love how we can agree to disagree, which shows how understanding and open-minded you are. 

I know things don't feel this way right now. I know things feel so bad and so dark. I know you just want it to stop, to give in to the void and feel nothing else. And you know what, you deserve this break. I am just sitting here next to the hole you melted into, waiting until you are ready to come out. I am here, babe. I love you.

"I wanna love me (ooh)

The way that you love me (ooh)

Ooh, for all of my pretty

And all of my ugly too

I'd love to see me from your point of view

I wanna trust me (trust me)

The way that you trust me (trust me)

Ooh, 'cause nobody ever loved me like you do

I'd love to see me from your point of view"

- POV by Ariana Grande