The World Is Not Enough

I spent yesterday afternoon with Chase Bank because my ex-husband (whom I had restraining order on) registered for an online account using my email address. Chase basically said there's nothing can be done.

The thing is, I knew this will happen. I knew the moment he realize I am single again, he will pounced and try to come at me again. My ex-boyfriend can be menacing and my ex-husband is too much of a coward to come at him directly. But now my ex-bf is gone, I am fair game once again. I am, after all, his property.

Later on I had a screaming match at 2.30 in the morning with a friend's entitled party guest. He took offense that I did not kiss the ground he walked on and did not hide my contempt on his behavior and attention-seeking attitude. My host later on expressed that as much as deserving he is to be yelled at back, my host will be the one that has to deal with the fallback.

I am mad. I am furious. I am sad. Yesterday should have kicked off my birthday weekend: Friday Party, Saturday Swing Dance, Sunday board game madness. Friday ended up with me being considered as an asshole. Too tired for the swing dance. People cancelling Sunday because of new mask mandate. Had I kowtow on Friday, maybe at least I could save my Saturday.

But why? Why should I bend the knee? Why should I accept being treated like I am nothing just because I am a woman? Why should I be a sitting duck, a target just because I have no man to protect me? Why is my worth counted only based on the man I have?

I am a year shy from 40, and I am still nothing without a man to protect me. I am still expected to 'not rock the boat' because some men can't take being brought down to the level they really are. I am still being demanded to be 'considerate'.

How I wish I could be just that. Obedient. Patient. Aloof. Let the toddler run around and do what they want. They can't hurt us anyway. Just shrug the tantrum away. Don't take it personally. Can you imagine how peaceful my life could be? Why can't I be that? Why am I born this rebellious "go f*ck yourself" @sshole?

It seems I am in a constant struggle to be acknowledged as a person and that is not very assuring. It seems my path is clear that it would be a horrible bumpy road due to my unwillingness to yield and obey, or simply because I am born a woman. It is a depressing thought.

Happy birthday, dear Ary. The world will always be a depressing place because you were born with balls in the inside and vagina on the outside. But you know what, babe? It's gonna be fine. Even if it's not fine, we are going to make it fine. The world is not enough, but it is such a perfect place to start.