Running Shoes

I saw pictures of people I know, all smiling with their loved ones this holiday season. These are the same people who have spoken to me about how unhappy they were with their partner. So why the smile?

I know in the age of filter and facetune nothing is what it seems to be. I know that smiles are easily faked, and a gaily laughter may mean squat. I know reputation is a slippery slope, and pride is often times the only thing one can truly call his or her own.

But what if they were the strong ones? They know it costs more to stay in a tumultuous relationship, but they choose to stay for something far more precious than their happiness. Me? I simply walked away.

Many people perceive me as strong. For having standard and stick resolutely to that standard. For being able to walk away and not willing to negotiate, let alone surrender to anything less than what I demand. Loneliness is painful, but better than living in a gilded cage.

The reality is, I am tired of it. I am not strong. I am weak. I am scared of relationship. I always fret I am one mistake away from being pushed aside and unloved by people I hold dear. Any disagreement that I perceived as dishonoring me will be met with nail and tooth. I am forever donning my running shoes.

I wasn't always like this. I remember the time I would begged and cry, willing to do anything to keep my relationship intact. Yet the wounds and scars has taught me to put self preservation above others. The trauma keeps whispering in my head how unworthy I am.

I hugged my boyfriend today. In tears I told him I feel like a dog being chained for so long, that even now when the chain has been broken for good I am still at lost on what to do. The pain, the lashes, the attacks has been such a feature in my life that now I know I don't have to deal with it anymore I don't know what to do.

It's Stockholm Syndrome, I know. This is not love, but a dependency. To be able to cut that chain was a courageous move. Now it's time for me to seriously re-learn everything else.

That my boyfriend's kisses on my hair and his strong embrace will not disappear just because I messed up again on our driving lesson. That my best friend's smile and hugs will not disappear just because I am stuck in my depression and stuck where I am right now.

That I am loved beyond means. The amount of love pouring before my faceoff was so immense I feel like I was living a real life enactment of "There Is Something About Mary". That my smile and genuine affection is precious to others.

That all the running I did brought me to who I am right now. It was a journey to finally be in a place where I can open them and put them aside. To some, their journey is to be with their partner, maintaining their relationship. To me, it's to finally take my running shoes off.

I am jealous of people who maintain their relationship no matter what. I am angry knowing I am too logical and have too much pride to do such things. I ate the forbidden fruit and now I will never feel such blissful hope. Not anymore.

But I can't change who I am. The naive bliss of heaven is no longer mine, but the tangible bliss of this world could be mine. I just need to learn to trust that I am worthy, to believe in my worth, to accept the love of others. And to know they will keep me no matter what, so I better change those running shoes with the fluffy slippers they prep for me.

So far I have untied both shoe laces where they are loose enough for me to step onto the shoes instead of the tight ready-get-set-go. So I made progress. Somewhat. I kept my eyes peeled on those fluffy slippers. I will get there. I promise I will get there.