No-Face

"Well you want it?" I asked my BF, pointing out to the bourbon truffle on the shelf. "I need to get you something for Christmas." Which is a lie. His present has been nicely hidden in the garage, ready to be wrapped. A couple more trinkets are on the way.

The closer I get to him, the more I feel like No-Face in Spirited Away when he offered Sen a handful of gold in order for her to stay with him. I will offer you just about anything, so please stay.

It doesn't help that he is hellbent on loving me. Casually mentioned how cute the new Aristocats beanie is? Guess what showed up in the mail. Too depressed to make dinner? I only need to say what I am in the mood for. My crazy plant mom phase? Here's a wire shelf to put all my plant.

Which means I have to upped my game, else he will think I am not worthy enough. From my experience, people are not very happy when one side only take but not give. I am worried that I will drain all his love and affection if I can't give back, or better, give more.

This is an unhealthy way of thinking. One that fully reflect on how low I see myself. I believe things I did for him, for other people, are not special. That if I were to be given love or affection, it has to be paid in equal. There is no way someone will love me just for who I am.

Yet that's just it. If I can show compassion to others, if I can have my heart warmed by seeing a random stranger did a wholesome thing on the bus, why can't people feel the same way about me? Who am I to tell them their feeling is wrong and not valid because how I perceive myself is different than how they perceive me?

Still I find myself getting lost in the swamp of online shopping. I want to see that smile. I want him to know how much I love him, how much he means to me. But I need to trust him. That even without a mountain of gifts he will still think I am an amazing person which he loves. 

The No-Face in me needs to chill because just like in the movie, he doesn't need to buy her off. No-Face in me needs to realize, he is already loved and wanted for the creature he is. A horrible, scary, despicable monster to some. A well-intentioned lonely spirit to others.

It's a long journey to self-realization, to reach a point where I can be comfortable as myself and have faith in people's affection towards me. That I am able to blog freely again like this is already a great improvement. I thought I will never again be able to speak freely about the person I love, both because I thought no one is worth it and because no love is worth it. Yet here we are.

All will be well. Some plants can't grow or bloom in the winter, others take years to bear fruit. They are not dead, though; they are just bidding their time and grow internally. And one day, the No-Face in me will spit the last of the toxin that he had, the frog man, and be content with himself. One day all will be well. You got this, girl.