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Monday, January 22, 2018

35 Acting Like 15

I spent the morning and lunch time talking with 3 different friends about my reluctance to ask a guy for a double date. Yes. You read that right. Me, who aint afraid of no ghosts.

And they were deep analysists as well, the kind that you'll see during football commentaries. "But he did this, so it must be that," or "I think what happen was..."

Did it work? Not really. I got some encouraging insights but I still feel like a shy school girl when faced with this cute senior: "What if he doesn't like me *that* much??"

Yes. I am 35 acting like 15. Sigh.

Yes, I know I can slay. I know I have the balls and strength to do whatever I want and still be standing in the end, no matter what. I know I will still be smiling in the midst of havoc.

Yes, I know I flirted with life and danced with destiny. I know what I am capable of and what I am uncapable of. I know if I set my heart into it, I most likely will get it.

Yet here I am acting like a teenager. And it feels great.

Since my first relationship I have been geared towards one thing: Happily Ever After. Marriage, kids, family, the house with white picket fence. It has to be perfect.

I got it all. It didn't last. Yet even though I gave up on happily ever after, I still carry the weight of relationship. Everything has to be meaningful. Nobody should get hurt. It has to be perfect.

And here I am, deliberately fretting over asking a guy on a simple date when I have no qualms on asking for worse. Knowing fully well I can go "Oh fuck it!" yet choose not to.

In a way, I was never 15. And now I am.

The world is on the brink of destruction, I know. War, inequality, climate change, divisive interest, hatred and ignorance, I am aware of all of this and more.

To add it up, there's my own personal growth, my office life, my writing career, my work and ambition in financial service industry that I should really think of instead of fretting over a date.

Yet finding this purity is a blessing.

This is not about 'a date'. This is me learning to live in the moment instead of keep chasing the horizon. This is me learning to let life lead the dance, instead of me controlling it.

This is me finding out that falling asleep on the sofa next to somebody is almost as satisfying as good sex. [Well, not really, but close enough].

This is me, unable to predict the future yet still enjoying it. This is me, enjoying the uncertainties and butterflies in my stomach. This is me being naive and innocent for once.

Do I need this? Yes. Yes, I do.

It's too easy to get drowned in the negativity of life, to feel everything is meaningless and utterly hopeless. It's easy to get defeated to the point you don't want to fight back.

Yet there's these gems of life everywhere, things so trivial we often overlooked when in fact they are what makes us happy, what we need to stay loving and sane.

Everybody needs this.

I am 35 acting like 15 and I don't care. One might say I am immature, I say I'm taking "Dating 101", a class long overdue. And I am loving every moment if it.

To each of their own happiness, and this is mine: a teenage fling so beautiful and fun in its uncertainties, so imperfect and fragile. For once, I am decidedly reckless enough to not care how it ends.

What is your beautiful thing? The one that makes you smile and forget your woes for a bit, the little respite in this treacherous world. They are everywhere, if you care to look.

Because we need more love and happiness
Because we deserve shy giggles and silly laughters
Because we could use fun adventures and quiet comfort
Because we should embrace and enjoy life to the fullest

I'm 35 acting like 15. What about you?

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