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Thursday, April 20, 2017

8pm Slumped On The Kitchen Floor

I slumped on the kitchen floor last night, my back against the refrigerator and my tears flowing freely. I clutched a bowl of French onion soup and forced myself to eat it, resisting impulse to just slam it to the wall and see it shattered and splattered everywhere. Instead, I ate it diligently, and with each mouthful I swallowed my pain and my sorrow.

10 texts, that's all he need to destroy my day. 10 texts.

My replies were short and cheerful, but he didn't know the anguish in me. He didn't know the hold he still has in me, how he can utterly destroy me with his thoughtless words. I was advised to not disclose the facts because that'll make him feel good about himself. As any predator, he elevates his self-confidence by exacting fear from others. All his hateful words, all his demeaning remarks, all his deprecating comments, they were made to elevate him, to make me less than him as that is the only way he can 'win' over me, the only way he can achieve some sort of self-confidence and feel good about himself.

But I don't want to talk about him. I don't want to understand the why he does all that. I don't want to give more of my time and emotion for somebody like that. I want to talk about me. I want to put all my fear and anguish aside. I want to stop being so scared and shaken every time he attacked me. I want to be able to love again, to be free again. And you know what I truly, truly want?

* I want somebody I can trust my life to, that I know I will be safe with that person no matter what
* I want somebody I can tell my secret to, somebody who will never use it against me
* I want somebody I can laugh with, smile with, have adventure with
* I want somebody who is as fluent and as easy going as I am as we embarked on adventures with strangers
* I want warm embrace, hot kisses, the promise of forever which was said solemnly
* I want somebody who just laughed and smiled amusedly as I said my "Sorry" for the millionth time during dinner
* I want somebody who is secure enough with himself that he can be my anchor in the storm
* I want somebody who understands my thoughts and my moral code without me having to explain for a zillion time
* I want somebody who trusts me enough to do my own things because he knows my limit and ability
* I want somebody I can grow with, somebody who has clear vision of the future and of himself
* I want somebody that'll sit and listened and understand as I spoke about my homeland, my cultures, and everything I hold dear
* I want somebody I can love, and whom I can believe of his love
* I want somebody who will not turn his back on me just because we don't see eye to eye, just because we don't share the same view
* I want somebody who will not lie to me, who has no reason to lie to me
* I want somebody who will make me feel safe and comfortable
* I want somebody who will make me feel like I am home

Do I deserve all this? Absolutely. I am done with people who forced their own conception of me on me. I am done with being questioned about my belief, my action and such, just because they don't, can't, understand it. I am done with being made to feel incomplete, weird, irrelevant. I am done with people who can't accept me for who I am. I am done crying, shaking, freaking out over what they thought I should be. I am done. And if I can't find the person who accepts me for who I am, that is fine by me too. I have myself. That is enough. I am done.

1 comment:

  1. This was beautiful.

    I think we've all had that moment sitting on the floor just feeling so broken. The most beautiful part is that you're not anymore. You have yourself. You're whole.

    I really like your list about what you want.


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