New Year Resolution: The Gift of Truth and Trust

"Hey Ary, daddy! Look at my turtle! It can spin!"

I sighed and braced myself for the upcoming reply. Sure enough, a fraction of a second later her brother started to protest, "I want a turtle too! Share with me!" I quickly made a mental note to myself to have a talk with our little girl about how bad bragging is. Yet as the car took us closer and closer to our destination (and the fighting was averted because of the virtue of children's short attention span) I can't help thinking, do I really have to talk to a six year old about bragging?

As an adult, I have had my share with flaunters and braggers. It was always unpleasant not because I want what they have, but because these braggers made me feel I am of lesser value than they are. It is hard to believe though that our little human has such malice to made her little brother feel bad about himself. What most likely happen is that she was tired from the long trip (at that point we've been on the road for 9 hours) and was trying to amuse herself, thus the plush turtle remark. It is unfair to tell her that she can't brag about her toy because her brother might be jealous, especially if her intention is only to share her feeling and excitement.

Sadly, this pure intention doesn't always come through. Time and time again we are told to keep to ourselves and not making other people jealous. That is why there are tons of memes that sneered and jeered about people who share (excessively) in social media. It seemed that with every posting and status update you made you are in danger of being labelled as braggers, which in a way worked like Miranda's Law: "You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be use against you in the court of law" or something like that. It's like you can't make a move without offending other people, and for me, it is not a good feeling. I wanted to be nice but it is not fair to have my freedom of thought and speech restricted just because somebody else decided to be touchy. Which brings me to another thought: since I can't change how people perceive me, can I change how I perceive other people?

The real braggers, the malicious one that flaunt their wealth or body or any good things they have (be it in the social media or the latest family events) were pretty easy to spot. They were the ones that we would so dearly love to give a nice kick in the rump, without much thought. Their obvious intention to put our existence to its rightful place (which is below their own - at least according to them) is easily recognisable thanks to the loathsome feeling that grew in our stomach everytime these people made remarks on how better they are than us. Yet these loathsome feeling can be difficult to differentiate with jealousy. Were we upset because the person who posted his/her European trip mock us and made us feel bad because we can't even afford a weekend getaway, or is it because we are jealous with his/her luck? Were we mad because that friend in Facebook deliberately flaunting her awesome husband to emphasize how much better she was than the other women, or was it because we were stuck watching re-run of Pretty Woman all by ourselves for God knows how many time?

It is easy to spot the malicious and evil people. Yet when the offence was not that great, it is harder to  decide whether the maliciousness and evil and unhappiness come from within us or from the other people. Sometimes all we have to do is to trust people and opt to see the goodness in them; to believe that they did not mean to offend us or made us feel bad about ourselves; to understand that they just want to share their feeling and what's precious to them. Sometimes we just have to believe that the six year old just wanted to show how cool her plush turtle is. And when we can't do that, when it gets too much for us or we can't decide whether that person's intention was malicious or not, then there is only one thing you can do: turn it off. I turned off notifications/news feed of a friend that has a private jet, and another one that spend her days travelling to beautiful places. I had to do it not because they are malicious (and they are not), but because I can't cope with my envy. I feel I betray them, but it is much better than ending up hating them just because I am jealous of their lifestyle.

After the over-priced-show-and-excessive-partying-and-massive-alcohol-consumption on New Year's Eve had past, the New Year Resolution will surely follow. Do yourself and the world a big favor this time: forget about the gym and diet resolution (that you will flunk within the first few months anyway) or the vague promise that you will be a better person (and realize on the first day of the next year that you haven't change at all. This year, look deep inside you and control your own emotion. As a human that lives together we can't escape from hurting or being hurt. What we can do though, is prevent ourselves from deliberately hurting people and to accurately decide whether other people deliberately hurting us or is it our self that inflict the pain from the jealousy that we have. This year, give yourself a gift of truth and give the world a gift of trust, and see how good life can be. Happy New Year dear readers.

Pelajaran dari Belanja Online

Untuk Natal tahun ini kami (tepatnya saya) memutuskan untuk mencoba belanja hadiah lewat online. Ada dua kali pengiriman, dan dua-duanya sedikit 'bermasalah', walau ujung-ujungnya saya yang diuntungkan. 

Pemesanan pertama lewat Amazon, saya membeli dua buah buku diskon dan mendapat free shipping. Ternyata paket saya dikirim saat saya tidak dirumah dan ditaruh di depan pintu apartemen saya, dan saat saya sampai dirumah paket itu sudah lenyap. Stress kan. Saya langsung menelepon Fedex (jasa kurir yang dipakai), dan Amazon. Suami saya blang mereka tidak akan mau membantu, saya buang-buang waktu saja. Surprise, surprise. Amazon langsung meminta maaf (padahal bukan salah mereka) dan mengirimkan gantinya dengan overnight shipping. Fedex menelepon balik keesokan harinya dan bilang mereka akan mengontak Amazon untuk menyediakan saya reimburst/ganti rugi bea pengiriman. Pemesanan kedua lewat website ThinkGeek. Kali ini semua barang sampai dengan selamat, tapi alih-alih dua boneka dan dua mug saya malah mendapat satu boneka dan tiga mug. Saya langsung mengontak mereka, dan mereka mengirimkan boneka pengganti (sama, overnight shipping juga) plus saya boleh menyimpan mug ekstra tersebut sebagai 'hadiah' dari mereka. Hebatnya, mereka benar-benar standby 24/7, jadi walau saya menelepon di akhir minggu dan tengah malam pun saya tetap bisa dibantu. Wow.

'Drama' belanja online ini membuat saya menyadari soal 'hidden cost', biaya tersembunyi. Di Amerika sini banyak orang yang tidak suka dengan korporasi/perusahaan besar, dan menganggap mereka hanyalah manusia-manusia rakus yang mengeruk uang sesamanya. Walau tidak sepenuhnya salah (siapa sih yang tidak mau jadi kaya?), namun saya rasa banyak dari hater ini tidak menyadari bahwa hidden cost ini juga membebani harga akhir barang yang mereka beli. Untuk Amazon saja mereka sudah mengeluarkan (dengan hitungan harga normal) sekitar $30 untuk buku pengganti saya dan $25 untuk overnight shipping tersebut. Untuk Thinkgeek total mereka mengeluarkan $10 untuk 'hadiah' mug saya yang mereka salah kirim, dan $25 untuk overnight shipping. Padahal saya belanjanya juga cuma sedikit. Di Amerika sini kita juga bisa mengembalikan barang yang kita beli bila kita tidak suka, bahkan barang elektronik sekalipun. Terkadang barang tersebut direparasi dan dijual setengah harga (yang lagi-lagi hidden cost), atau dibuang kalau memang tidak bisa dipakai lagi. Dengan kebijakan seperti ini saya yakin sekali hidden cost/cost risk ini sudah dimasukkan kedalam harga barang, kalau tidak bisa rugi bandar kan.

Ini pasti pengetahuan dasar bagi kalian para pembaca yang ekonom atau memiliki bisnis sendiri, tapi ini pengetahuan baru buat saya. Saya pun berpikir, bukankah hidup itu juga penuh 'hidden cost'? Sama seperti kita misuh-misuh soal perusahaan yang rakus karena harga barang yang mahal, kita juga sering misuh-misuh soal orang-orang yang tidak sesuai dengan kita, padahal kita tidak tahu soal hidden cost/apa yang terjadi pada mereka sehingga mereka seperti itu. Kita sering mencibir (dengan sirik) “enak ya jadi orang kaya/cantik”, padahal kita tidak tahu kehidupan mereka seperti apa. Selalu ada sesuatu dibalik apa yang terlihat, dan kita seringkali cuma mau melihat apa yang kita lihat. Kalau mau adil, ini juga harusnya diterapkan bahkan untuk orang-orang yang hobi membully atau menyakiti orang lain (koruptor dan penghasut misalnya); bahwa mereka pasti punya alasan tersendiri untuk menjadi seperti itu. Tapi jadi ada konflik kepentingan: membantu orang yang tertindas atau mencoba mengerti sang penindas?

Dunia ini tidak pernah hitam atau putih saja, bahkan untuk yang bilang dunia ini abu-abu, abu-abu itu ada banyak macam lho. Makanya ada buku “Fifty Shades of Grey”. Lho? Tapi serius, dunia ini tidak cuma hitam-putih, dan menurut saya tidak ada kebenaran mutlak kecuali Tuhan yang Maha Esa (yang menurut para Agnostik juga sebenarnya tidak tepat). Kita tidak tahu apa motivasi orang, apa yang membuat seseorang menjadi seperti itu, karena kita tidak mengalami apa yang ia alami dan kalaupun kita mengalaminya kekuatan mental masing-masing orang berbeda. Kita tidak pernah tahu 'hidden cost' yang dimiliki orang lain. Yang kita tahu adalah 'hidden cost' yang kita punya, apa yang membentuk diri kita sendiri. Kalau kata Michael Jackson, “I'm starting with the man in the mirror/I'm asking him to change his ways...” Terkadang sangat penting kita bersuara untuk hal-hal yang penting buat kita, tapi jangan lupa bahwa langkah pertama untuk mengubah dunia menjadi lebih baik adalah mengubah diri kita sendiri. Karena seperti yang saya bilang tadi, kita tahu 'hidden cost' kita tapi kita tidak tahu 'hidden cost' orang lain. Salam!

The Warmth in A Cup of Coffee

This morning I sat at Starbucks, and again, as always, I felt out of place. People coming in and going, family laughed together over cups of coffee and hot cocoa (for the kids) and slices of cake, friends sat and gossiped merrily, and office workers/entrepreneurs carrying tray(s) filled with several cups of coffee. In my two years of living here I have gone to more coffee chains than I've ever been my whole life in Indonesia, yet still I couldn't get use to it.

Coffee in Indonesia is intimate. Or at least it is in Java and Bali, I don't really know how it is in other areas of Indonesia. It is an indispensable part of day-to-day living. Morning in our house always starts with a cup of coffee and breakfast for dad. During his working days, the coffee cup (and sometimes his breakfast too) often accompanied him in the car during his daily commute. On weekends and holidays, it is his way to relaxed. A cup of coffee, a small snack of traditional cake or a slice of bread, and the newspaper of the day, that's how he like his leisurely mornings. And most importantly, it has to be prepared by my mom. You can say that coffee-making in Indonesia is similar to sandwich-making in western society. The difference is, a woman who can make good coffee in Indonesia is usually praised for it.

When male guests came visiting, they were always offered a cup coffee. In fact, the most common greeting I've ever heard in Indonesia was "Ayo ngopi dulu" or "Come, let's have some coffee first". You could easily see friends (usually male) hang out in the afternoon or night time at somebody's house, drinking cups and cups of coffee and smoking clove cigarettes while discussing the matter of the world (that is, the village matter or other miscellaneous rumors); or you can see them doing that in warung, which is a cross between grocery store and cafe. On picnics or gatherings, people would bring massive thermos filled with coffee and tea, but most importantly coffee. Coffee, in a way, is the little link that bind the society together.

That is why, I never understand the coffee chain society. When Starbucks first opened in Jakarta (where I live) and followed by numerous other coffee chains, I could not understand why people were flocking to these places. I, for one, was not especially interested to spend a full day salary for a cup of coffee, no matter how intriguing it sounds. My wealthier friends were all into it, and often times they would buy me the drinks just so I can join them. Again, I still think it was a pretty much waste of money even though it was not my money. Moving to Bali, I finally found what those coffee shops are good for: meetings. When you want to meet (and impress) a client, there is nothing better (or safer) than to meet at a Starbucks or other coffee chain. And now in US, coffee chains are places to, again, meet with people or to work. I always think the $1.75 I paid for the coffee in Starbucks as seating fee, that is, I pay for sitting in Starbucks and got free coffee in return. Scandalous, I know.

My husband told me that my penny-pinching way was most likely came from my days of living in Indonesia. He said I remind him of his grandmother, who despite of having a fortune she can't stop penny pinching because that was how she had to live during the war period. I don't really know if that is true, because although I do have not-so-good days in Indonesia I was never hungry. It's just doesn't make any sense for me. A cup of latte costs roughly $3-4, while in the supermarket near where I live pork chop $ 0.99 per pound and whole chicken is $0.79 per pound. Granted, they are not the fancy kind of meat (organic/grass feed/GMO free/etc), but it is still a whopping comparison. Maybe because I am not much of a coffee connoisseur, maybe because in my mind food rank higher than drinks, maybe I am just weird that way.

In a way, the coffee chains in US are maybe similar to the warung in Indonesia: a place to meet and chat over cup(s) of coffee. Yet still I miss the warmth and intimacy over a cup of coffee in Indonesia, where a cup of coffee is made by hand and presented in cup and saucer, where the women would indulge the coffee while happily gossiping in the comfort of their own house or the men in the warung. I miss the honest smile and the friendly invitation "Ayo ngopi dulu.". I miss the wholesome feeling knowing that everyone can stop for a cup of coffee since it is very inexpensive (only $0.25 or so). Sorry Starbucks and other coffee chains, you are cool and everything but Indonesia did it better. Way better.

Sudah Siap Untuk #Illridewithyou ?

Kalau baca komen di berita ini, komennya menyakitkan dan nggak enak dibaca. Tapi ada satu yang menarik: seseorang yang bertanya kenapa di Indonesia kalau Natal gereja dijaga ketat. Kalau dipikir-pikir benar juga. Apa salahnya orang Kristen merayakan Natal?

Walau saya penganut agama minoritas, saya sebenarnya tidak terlalu mengalami diskriminasi yang sampai gimana gitu. Setidaknya menurut pikiran saya. Waktu saya SD dulu ada teman saya yang menuduh saya memuja batu. Saya ingat saya tidak tersinggung, karena saya sembahyang di Pura memang terbuat dari batu. Lagipula, saya juga tidak mengerti kenapa teman-teman saya kalau sholat menungging-nungging. Jadi impas kan, sama-sama tidak tahu. Masuk kuliah saya gencar ditawari pindah agama, baik Islam maupun Kristen. Jengkel? Jelas. Tapi jengkel saya bukan dendam kesumat gitu, jengkel saya sebatas seperti ditawari masuk MLM atau asuransi. Nggak kepikiran buat saya untuk merasa terhina atau diuji oleh Tuhan, saya cuma ga ingin diganggu. Semakin saya dewasa semakin banyak cerita-cerita ketimpangan, yang konon di BUMN/kementrian kalau mau naik jabatan harus beragama Islam, yang konon izin pembuatan rumah ibadah lain dipersulit. Saya tetap saya, dan hidup saya tidak terpengaruh oleh diskriminasi tersebut.

Tapi saya nggak akan bohong, kadang sakit hati kalau membaca rumah ibadah di Indonesia diserang, atau orang-orang yang mengumandangkan anti-natal atau anti hari raya agama lain. Atau Borobudur yang peninggalan umat Buddha diakui sebagai peninggalan kebudayaan Islam. Di Bali yang punya tradisi unik Hari Raya Nyepi banyak umat non-Hindu Bali yang protes dan tidak mau menghormatinya, padahal mereka nggak disuruh ikut sembahyang, cuma disuruh diam di rumah saja seharian. Saat natal begini juga kayanya sibuk semua polisi menjaga gereja agar tidak ada bom atau serangan lainnya. Sedih ga sih? Hak menganut kepercayaan itu ada di Pancasila, tapi kenapa orang mau berdoa dengan khusuk malah dipersulit?

Entah berapa banyak teman saya di FB yang men-share berita tentang #Illridewithyou , tapi saya jadi bertanya, apa bisa di Indonesia teman-teman dan warga negara Indonesia yang Muslim melakukan hal yang sama untuk agama minoritas? Wong kasi selamat Natal saja dipermasalahkan kok, atau soal sinterklas dan rusa kutub/reindeer yang sumpah nggak ada di mention sama sekali di Alkitab. Teman saya memberikan argumen bahwa itu sesuai menurut kepercayaan Islam, bahwa mereka tidak mengakui Tuhan (dan agama) lain selain Allah. Tapi tapi tapi, kalau mbak-mbak yang memulai #Illridewithyou di Australia juga punya kepercayaan yang sama (menolak mengakui agama Islam), bukankah #Illridewithyou itu tidak akan terwujud? Bukankah wanita muslim disana akan lebih sengsara jadinya?

One good turn deserve another. Mbak-mbak yang bukan muslim di Australia itu melindungi mbak-mbak yang berjilbab walau mereka berbeda kepercayaan. Kaum muslim di Indonesia bisa melakukan apa untuk kaum non-muslim di Indonesia? Kalau masih mau 'anti', kalau masih nggak mau mengakui, coba bayangkan bila anda diposisi minoritas. Bayangkan anda mau sembahyang tapi deg-degan rumah ibadah anda diserbu. Bayangkan sekian ribu orang mengumandangkan anti agama anda. Bayangkan saat ada bencana alam yang maha dahsyat agama anda yang dituduh penyebabnya. Sakit hati kan. Sedih kan. Mbak-mbak di Australia itu tidak melihat si mbak berjilbab sebagai "Muslim", ia melihat si mbak berjilbab sebagai seorang manusia yang ketakutan dan harus dibantu. Tidak bisakah kita melihat sesama kita seperti itu? Bukan dari agama, warna kulit, status sosial atau segala atribut duniawi lainnya, tapi bahwa mereka manusia, titik.

Natal sudah dekat. Saya cuma berharap para kaum Nasrani di Indonesia bisa beribadah dengan tenang dan aman, dan bebas dari kutukan atau kecaman atau gangguan lainnya dari umat non-Nasrani. Mungkin dari sekian ratus ribu orang Indonesia yang men-share #Illridewithyou akan ada sekian orang yang menggunakan tagar yang sama untuk melindungi sesama warga negara Indonesia yang kebetulan beragama lain. Mungkin. Alangkah indahnya persatuan dalam perbedaan bukan? Salam!